This is just a very quick note (maybe). I'm sorry I haven't yet been able to answer all the emails I have received from you. With Jenni's funeral, finishing school (for both Jack and I), Christmas preparations and now this week heading down to Jenni's to start packing Jack's things to bring back here, I just haven't had the time or energy to catch up with you all. To be honest, I can only do it sometimes too as there are times when I have the time and sit down to write and I just can't find the energy or words or ..... dunno. I thought that once Jenni had gone I would have time to get everything sorted out here. My house, her house, time for Jack, time for me, time for Christmas, time for friends. But I seem busier than ever and still feel like nothing is getting done.
Jack seems to be well adjusted and is coping really well so far but I keep watching and waiting for him to "fall apart". Today he walked into the lounge room (where I was) from the kitchen with a smile on his face. I asked him what was amusing and he replied something like, "I was just remembering some fun stuff with Mum". I asked him what it was and he told me about the "tickle wrestles" he and Mum used to have "before I hated being tickled"! I just let him talk about it while he sat on my knee and he was fine. And that's part of the problem for me. Jenni is his Mum and he seems fine. I'm still not sure exactly how I feel. I don't feel as if I have had the opportunity to grieve properly and I don't really seem to know what that means either. I have had a few texts with some of Jenni's family and they are all ok, struggling with it but ok. Christmas is at one of Jenni's sister's place this year and Jack and I will go there for part of the day before coming back to my family and hopefully that will help me to work through it some more.
Anyway, I'm not sure how often I will get here until after Christmas now. Jack and I will be back and forth to Jenni's place over the coming week or two so I will be a little busy. I think Santa will be coming to Jenni's house this year so that Jamie can be there with Jack and I and share in Jack's excitement. I will ask Jen's sister, Caz and Jen's friend Lee if they want to come around also. Caz has no kids yet and Lee's are grown up so I'm hoping that they will be able to. If not, we'll see them later in the day anyway.
Ok, time for bed here. Take care and thank you for all your constant support.
Monday, 21 December 2009
Posted by Jen Ballantyne at 1:30 am