Thursday, 12 November 2009

Still Hanging In There...

Hello my dear, dear, friends! I am so sorry I have not posted sooner, I truly thought I'd be , blogging all the time but unfortunately I have become even weaker and sleep takes up a large part of the equation. I also have a lot of visitors, which is lovely, but I am extremely tired afterwards and need a sleep. I have lost so much strength it is quite amazing how even having a shower, which I require assistance with, absolutely drains me. Anyway you all mean so much to me and your love and support helps so very much and I know it helps David too, you have all been so kind to him, and I get frustrated because I want to post you updates all the time but I just seem to run out of time so easily. Anyway, I have slept all morning and for a change, have some time to my self when I'm not exhausted so I am grateful that I can 'talk' to you.

I'll just quickly tell you where I'm at in regards to pain as I know you worry. My pain is being managed really well now, they have worked out the correct mix and I really don't suffer for long. Basically they knock me out, which since my pain seems to come at night, hasn't been a problem. I am being very well looked after, have beautiful gardens surrounding my room, people are being very supportive and I really couldn't ask for more.

I am not sure how long I have left, I suspect not very long, as I really am so very weak. I can walk a little with the help of a walker but not very far really so need the wheelchair. I have lost so much weight, even though I try to eat the cancer takes about 80% of what I eat so you can imagine it is difficult to keep the weight on especially when I don't have much of an appetite. The time is definitely approaching but I am coping okay with it somehow. I fluctuate between being alright and thinking at least all of the pain and just weakness etc will be gone, to sobbing with a grief so deep and raw that it actually frightens me. I think that filling my time with Jack, Jamie and David, then family and friends, really helps a lot. You just need a lot of love and it keeps you afloat, I am so very fortunate in so many ways and I choose to focus on those things, they are the things that matter, I am so lucky to have David, he will be, and already is, a great dad, he is strong enough to be a good support and then there is all the other love and care I receive that has kept me going, including yours on this blog, it has all meant so much to me and helped me through what is a very difficult time.

Now I no I haven't written that much but at least I've touched base, I will try and update a little more often but at least know that if I haven't it's because I am so fatigued that I just can't, not because I don't want to. I will have to finish up now, I am also much slower at typing because my hands are a bit numb so that is frustrating too, I just want to race along and then I have to go back and fix up mistakes, still, at least I can manage and it is lovely to be able to connect with you all. Please know how much your love, prayers and support mean to me, I just don't know how to put into words what is such an amazing thing to come from a blog. You have stood by me consistantly and I just love you all so very, very much, you have made an enormous difference to my life and my journey through this disease. I will update again soon and if for whatever reason, I can't then I am sure David will let you know what is going on. Love to you all and thank you.

84 comments:

  1. Thank you for being the shining light you are. You are truly amazing and your spirit is pure. Please know that you are indeed someone who has touched so many hearts and you continue to be surrounded with the love of all who know of you through your blog. Your family have been blessed to have you in their lives. Much peace, love and joy for always from Peggy x

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  3. Hi Jenn, so lovely to hear from you. Sending love and prayers to you at this difficult time. I admire your courageous and positive attitude, I hope you know how much you are loved by everyone who reads your blog. You are a blessing, love, Suzanne.

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  4. Judi In Stratford Upon AvonThursday, November 12, 2009 7:53:00 pm

    My Darling Girl, how wonderful to read your post this morning! You fill my mind constantly and to hear from you means the world. My love as ever to you, David and the boys. Judi.

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  5. Jen, you are in my heart,
    Luisa from Italy

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  6. Hey, sweet you,

    sending much love to you and your family,

    Cindy in Canada

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  7. Dear Sweet Jenny, I am glad you can feel us taking you in our arms to hold you and hug you. Our love for you transcends location.

    You have become a dear place in all of our hearts, and your goodness has a permanent place in our world.

    The most important thing now is that your pain is controlled, and that you feel loved. And, it seems both of those things are happening for you.

    I am so sad for the sadness you feel, but please know that you have done everything possible. You are a wonderful mother and a wonderful person. I know God will carry you in His arms forever.

    Love to you.

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  8. Dear Jen
    You are in my thoughts and prayers and wish that I was there to give you a very warm and loving hug. You are an amazing woman and I wish you peace and love and laughter as you go forward.
    Your are so very loved.
    God Bless
    Nicky from Canada

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  9. Dear Jen, we love you right back! Take care, dear girl, and know that we are all hugging you and praying for you and wishing you peace.

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  10. Sending you love. You're a beautiful person. xoxo

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  11. You and your family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers. You are amazing and thank you for sharing your journey with us. Enjoy the beautiful surrounding and your visitors and don't worry about us! Tory in Canada

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  12. Thinking of you, Jen.
    Peace.

    Siobhan

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  13. Sending you deep messy love my friend. xoxoxox

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  14. Sending caring thoughts across the ocean to you.

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  15. Dearest Jenni—Your sweet spirit will be with us always. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. What a blessing it is to know you, even from afar. You have touched our lives and changed them too. So happy you feel our love and the hugs that come from all around the world. Wishing you peace and love every day and forever. xoxo Cathy

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  16. Oh, Jen, you move me. Damn this disease. Your family, your spirit, I stand in awe of it all and wish you a reprieve from the pain and grief.

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  17. Jen,
    I think you are just amazing....I am sending you so much love!!

    xoxo,

    annie

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  18. Wow. So beautifully put, as always. My heart goes out to you and your loved ones.

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  19. Dearest Jen...so good to hear from you, yet it saddens me how much this damn disease is taking from you.

    Your inner strength and love are an inspiration to all of us.

    Praying for you and your dear boys, and sending much love from Canada.

    xoxoxo

    Tara-Lynn

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  20. You are such an amazing person and I stand in awe of you! Thank you for sharing so much here on your blog, and know that I hold you in my heart always.

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  21. Jen, thank you so much for writing to us in such honesty and so much love! You are an extraordinary lady and I feel so much love, understanding and patience coming from you! I think of you all the time, expecting an update and happy to know how you are, Jack, Jamie and David as well! All my love to you Jen and to tgose you care for! Dominique xx

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  22. Good to hear from you. You have an amazing spirit. Your kids will be so glad to have this blog as it will remind them what a great mom they have! :) Shelly

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  23. You are an amazing warrior and have taught me to accept whatever life throws and do it with dignity and courage. Thanks. Lynn
    neenasnest.blogspot.com

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  24. Jen - so happy to hear from you. I check here each day for words from you or David. I am very very glad that they have your pain controlled and that you have visitors that you love and care for. It is lovely to read your writing but if you cannot write know that we all understand. You are an amazing person and I don't even remember how I stumbled on your blog but I am elated that I did. You are a wonderful teacher to me and I would think, all of us here. Bless you - Susie from New England, USA

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  25. Jen- I have quietly followed your blog from Texas. Your spirit and courage have been beautiful to witness. Your wilingness to share your journey will be part of your legacy. May you be at peace and released from pain. Peace and love- Lisa in Texas

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  26. I want to see you in heaven one day Jen!!! For ETERNITY!!! The MOST BEAUTIFUL OF EVERYTHING will be there--including the Son of God, the Son of Man, Jesus. He's waiting to wrap you up in His arms and give you rest and peace for ALL ETERNITY!!!

    Put serious precious moments of thought about your life after you leave this earth and those you love. Decide to give your heart and soul to Jesus today. It's really easy--just believe it and say it. I'd love to pray with you. Much love and kisses and hugs and peace and joy going out to you sweet Jen. We love you so!!!

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  27. Prayers to you Jen and for David and your boys. Your strength and courage astound me.

    Love,
    Janet

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  28. Jen, to see you still blogging is truly inspiring, when you have so much else to be dealing with. I pray that through the times of grief and fear you can look to Jesus for peace,I can't say it any better than kat-in-texas. I'll be praying for you and your dear, sweet family.

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  29. Jen, I want to apologize for not writing sooner. I have not excuse other than I am a coward. I have so much love for you and I just have not known what to say. I so wish I had not been such a coward. I wish I had just let you know that I was there for you. I know that is all a friend needs to say.
    I hope you know what an inspiration you are not only to me, but to many others as well. You are truly the most unselfish, brave, creative, and amazing woman I have ever met.
    Please forgive me for being such a loser of a friend. Please know how much I love you and how much I will miss you even though we have never met. You will not be forgotten, ever.
    Keep the faith!
    Love and God bless,
    Shaun
    www.roomswithaview.typepad.com

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  30. lovely Jen-
    I continue to carry you with me each day. Thanks for updating.

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  31. Jen: I have read your blog for months and months now, and I have to tell you, I have never read such beautiful words. I am in awe of your grace and courage and feel blessed to witness the geniune love going back and forth on this blog.

    You are an inspiration to me. Though you are in another hemisphere, you helped me through cancer treatment as if you were standing next to me.

    Many blessings to you and everyone you love,

    Catherine in South Carolina

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  32. my heart will always be with you.
    you are beautiful and i love you.

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  33. I'll speak collectively here... We love you Jenni!

    Thank you for the update and please know that all our prayers and thoughts are with you every single day.

    Oh, how I wish it were easier. I wish there was a miracle, yesterday, today and tomorrow. I wish for so much and yet I'm blessed to have found you virtually just "browsing about" and one day perhaps we can meet upstairs :-) and I can tell you in person how much of an inspiration you've been. You are living this life so nobley and with such grace that it really has changed how I view being a mother to my girls. We have such precious days here on this earth and you are using them well by filling your days with your boys and friends. That is just joyous to know.

    I hope we do hear from you again and please know that I'll carry you in my heart always.

    xo, Cate in No. California

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  34. Thank for continuing to share your story with such grace. I am so pleased that you have less pain and also have so much love around you. I am thinking of you, even though you don't know me x Ella

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  35. always sending love and care; you're in my thoughts and heart dear friend!
    Bete in Portugal

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  36. Wow, Jen, thank you for making the effort to post. I know how hard it is when you can't hardly feel your fingers and everything is all twisted up in spelling mistakes. And still you've poured out the love of your friends and the gratitude for what you have without hiding all the difficulties and pain of your personal reality. You are so treasured!

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  37. Brave sweet warrior.
    best wishes and much Love.
    Liesl In NS Canada

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  38. Thinking of you again today Jen....I love you so very much sweet girl...hoping you have an awesome beautiful weekend with your boys. Hugs Lisa L.

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  39. Jenni - You continuously amaze me. Even in your pain you think of others and take the time to check in. You are such an extraordinary woman. I wish you love and peace for you.

    Stella

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  40. Dear Jen, you are truly such an amazing human being. I am so relieved that your pain is being managed and that you are spending time with your loved ones. Don't worry about keep us updated, just enjoy your time with those you love. We are here praying for you and keeping you close in our thoughts. You are loved. Hugs, Rose

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  41. Is it just me, or does the entire country of Canada completely and totally love you?
    Thanks for taking precious time to post, you really do inspire and give great perspective to all of us who read your blog.
    I understand so heartfully that the hardest part of all of this is missing your children and wishing the best for them. They are in great hands because they are part of you, and I think it seems they are well loved by all those who love you.
    Thank you for everything you have given me--and I am just a reader of your blog.
    (And another Canadian!)

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  42. even in your weeakness jen, you are strong. so so strong. and you are loved. so so loved.

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  43. You are just mind-blowingly brave, positive, amazing and such an inspiration to us all who have stumbled across your blog. Most of us can probably never understand the depths of your grief (although the parents among us can glimpse it) but we are in awe of your spirit.

    love and hugs from Heather in Brisbane

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  44. thank you for thinking of us. hugs. from USA. i am numb reading it bc it is not easy to read about it. i don't want you to be in pain. but that is so wonderful that true love, of family and friends, helps you so much.

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  45. All my love to you forever and always!

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  46. Love that you are floating on love...beautiful thought...i see you looking up...arms stretched out....eyes closed....as if living a dream...mmmmm...love you, Linnie xx

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  47. Dearest Jen, Thank you for sharing your brave fight. You have been an inspiration to so many, myself included. I will never forget you, nor the way in which you conducted yourself through this life and this horrible disease you have faught so bravely and couragously.
    With much love, from Lisa in south Florida
    xxxooo

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  48. Dear jen, Love you girl, your words are amazing to read. I pray for you daily, and of course for your boys. This blog world surely is like penpals, kind of knowing someone but not really knowing them-but to feel so connected. You are a beautiful and strong woman and mother, may God Bless you in all your days ahead, thank you for sharing your story, with love from Anne in Virginia

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  49. dear dear jen
    I think about you all the time. I hold you and your family in my heart.
    Much love from NE OH

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  50. Hi Jen,
    Just want to let you know that you are on my mind, in my heart and always in my prayers. You are an amazing woman, and your son will forever carry you with him and see you in his children. You are an inspiration to countless "strangers" all around the world, who have joined you on this journey. Lots of love to you.
    K in Los Angeles

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  51. Jenni -- it is so wonderful to hear from you!

    I am amazed by your grace and dignity. You are receiving such wonderful care. I worry so much (too much) about not being cared for with dignity. I should not be thinking in that direction, but I do.

    It is comforting to know that you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you.

    You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

    ps. I added you to my blogroll, so that I am notified right away of when you post.

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  52. On my blogroll, the RSS feed (I think?) shows your most "recent post" wrong. It appears as if you last posted over a year ago, rather than just a few days ago!

    Can you fix this? (I think it's on your end, 'cause I don't have this problem with any other blog)

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  53. Jen - Sending love and warm thoughts and hugs from Vermont. You're so strong. You're amazing. -Alesia

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  54. "I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death."Robert Fulghum:

    I wish you peace and love and grace.

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  55. I have no words, just tears, and love to send you, you very brave and beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing with us. I hold you in my heart and prayers each day and night, and I wish you freedom from your pain. Peace be with you always, dear one.

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  56. Jenni.... you are SO amazing. I wish I could make this rotten disease go away. I wish I could DO something. Thank you for posting. Thank you for being the amazing woman you are. Hugs from Richmond.

    Jeanine

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  57. Jenni love,

    just popping in to say hello....you are beautiful and inspiring. I thank God for you.

    Bless your darling heart today...
    shelbi

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  58. Hugs and love to you sweetie you are such a precious person.

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  59. Someone asked if it was just her or if all of Canada loves you. I think her assumption is wrong: it's not just all of Canada but everyone who knows about you, no matter what the nation, loves you. Thanks for all you are giving us, Jen. God bless you.

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  60. A note of deep respect and encouragement for your beautiful light.

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  61. Hi Jenn, so lovely to hear from you and to read that your pain is under control. I am sending you lots of love from Toronto, canada

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  62. Jen, so lovely to hear from you, and especially to hear that your pain is under control. You're on my mind often, and in my prayers. There is love flowing out to you all the time. Bless you.

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  63. Back. Just thinking about you, wishing we could all do something, and in lieu of some miracle, letting you at least know that we are still here.

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  64. love to you, jenni

    Another turning point
    A fork stuck in the road
    Time grabs you by the wrist
    Directs you where to go
    So make the best of this test
    And don't ask why
    It's not a question
    But a lesson learned in time
    It's something unpredictable
    But in the end is right
    I hope you had the time of your life

    So take the photographs and still frames
    in your mind
    Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
    Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
    For what it's worth
    It was worth all the while

    It's something unpredictable
    And in the end is right
    I hope you had the time of your life


    Suzanne in South Carolina

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  65. Hello Jenni luv.
    Did you know that you're a rock star? You're handling things so well.
    Still praying for you, thinking of you, pulling for you.
    Much love...

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  66. I love you, Jen!
    Shelley in Canada!

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  67. Jenni. I have followed your story for years. I have never, ever, commented. My thoughts are with you my dear Jenni. My hope is for you to get a little stronger for your guys and to spend as much time as you deem proper to let them know your love.

    Much time as possible to you, Greekgirl

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  68. oh Jenni....how I wish I could give you many more years of life. You so deserve it~! I wish you godspeed on your journey and I know someday we will meet where you will have no more pain.

    much love to you sweetie....Sue in Spokane

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  69. Hugs and kisses to you Jen, you will never be alone
    Love Rue in Australia

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  70. My sister and I have followed you and have been sending love and such out there to you and your boys. She is 18 weeks pregnant and has found out the baby is a girl---she will be Jenni in your honor. Love and bravery are so special...you have them in spades. Hugs!!

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  71. How proud you must be to have a baby called after you Jenni. May the wings of an angel lift you up and lighten your load. Love forever. Carol (Aust)

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  72. Wishes for peace and with love from Texas. Kathleen

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  73. Hi hun, sending hugs and prayers
    love always K ♥♥

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  74. Dear Sweet Jen
    Deep in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you so much love, laughter and peace.
    Wishing you sunshine.
    Lots of hugs from Canada
    Nicky

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  75. I have been out of touch for a while and so happy to come in for a visit to see you writing. You are an amazingly strong women, an inspiration to all mothers.
    Enjoy your moments together with your loved ones...our prayers and thoughts are with you. Please find peace in what lies ahead...you are a blessed person and will find great rewards.
    All my love
    Janet

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  76. Jen, love and prayers to you. You touch people in a unique way and I treasure each post that you make.

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  77. Hi Jenni,
    Just a note to let you know that I'm holding you and your boys in my heart daily.
    Love,
    Cate in California

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  78. Hey, beautiful Jenni,

    Just sending some more love from (you guessed it!) Canada. We seem to really like you up here! :) Still following, still reading and still thinking of you and yours. I hope today is a good day.

    *hugs*
    Amanda/The Maven

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  79. Jen, I wish I could pay you a visit and personally thank you for sharing your life, your thoughts, to all of us. How do you feel about the end? What are your thoughts about that? Are you afraid? I really don't want you to go, but when that happens, will you remember me when you enter the gates of heaven?

    Thank you...
    ***Jeannie

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