Saturday, 8 August 2009

Thoughts on Jack...

So, to continue on from where I left you at the last post, I have felt a myriad of emotions. I do believe that this process of getting Jack organized to go and live with his Dad, is one of the hardest things I will ever do. It is difficult on so many levels and I must present a positive face for Jack's sake. I am required to show enthusiasm for this new stage of his life and be happy for him, excited for him, encourage him to move in this direction whilst my heart and soul scream to me silently 'no', 'stop', 'slow down'. It is all happening far too quickly of course, and yet I know that in actual fact the timing is just right. Everything is falling into place easily and swiftly which helps me to know that he is on the right path and all is well. He leaves tomorrow and we decided to have him leave early on in the day so that he is off on his way to do something fun before heading home to David's place for the night and of course the rest of the week until Friday evening. I can't tell you how strange it feels to have my son starting a new school on Monday morning without me being there to see him off and check it all out and just encourage him. It feels strange to picture David walking him in and David doing all the things I want to be doing. David will purchase the uniform, luckily we only need to purchase tops as bottoms are the same color and we have plenty of those, so a few tops with the school logo on and a new school bag, little things but things a mother does. David will help him get dressed and walk him into his new class and introduce him to the children and the teacher, Jack will, no doubt, be feeling nervous and a bit shy but hopefully the child that has been chosen to be a 'buddy' for Jack will take him under his wing and really help him to find his feet. Oh so strange that all of those things will be going on whilst I sit at home with my medications beside me in case of pain crisis, my nurse fiddling around with my ketamine driver, perhaps a friend or my mum here too. I will be sitting in the middle of all of this but my thoughts and my heart will be in a classroom in Warragul with a little boy that is stepping into his new life bravely but with a sense of trepidation. I will be hoping that somewhere in that classroom there sits a kindred spirit for my Jack. Someone that will be a friend, someone that will like similar things, that will have a kind heart and sense that Jack could use some support, I truly hope that this is the way things work out but of course I will be worrying that perhaps he will feel alone and shy and strange and a little bit sad. Oh I pray that his teacher is lovely and the children are friendly and kind, he needs to be in an environment that stimulates his mind, nurtures his little soul, please let this be okay for him, he needs this to be a happy experience, he deserves this to be a happy, positive experience. More to come...

28 comments:

  1. Jen, I got less than halfway through this before I started crying. Many of us, myself included, have told you how brave you've been throughout this entire battle with the cancer and the pain you've been going through...But...your TRUE bravery is shining through with the lastest sadness you are forced to endure. There is not a mother that will read this that won't feel your deep pain. Enduring our own physical pain is something we find a way to cope with...even when it is almost impossible, as it's been with your pain...but when it comes to the pain in our heart, that's an entirely different story. I can't just sit here and say "my heart goes out to you" because that isn't nearly enough. My heart BLEEDS for you Jen, it cries for you and is broken and scared for you. I will continue to pray for you, Jack and David. God's Will be done. Many years ago God placed David into your life, it was no accident that this man is such a good father...long ago God knew there would be a little boy who would need a strong loving father one day to step in to responsibly raise this little boy. I am so greatful for David. I am so greatful to have you in MY life. You are the true...TRUE meaning of courage. You bring so much light to all of our lives who have found you through this blog and I will never EVER forget you. You have are leaving a legacy to all of us by your shining example...you have set the bar very high. All of us at any moment could be faced with such difficuly, and now we have YOU, dear friend, to be our example of grace. A year and a half ago I just stumbled upon your blog through (literally...) a friend of a friend of a friend. Little did I know it would change my life forever. I love you so much.

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  3. Dearest Jenni—This is such a difficult thing that you've done. I'm so moved by the great sensitivity and care with which you and David are making wise and loving decisions for Jack's life. You are showing us all what real love is. There's no doubt the other kids will welcome wonderful little Jack with open arms! When he comes back on the weekend he'll be full of stories to tell you, for sure. Please know we're here, Jenni—any time you need us. Sending love and good wishes for you. May each day be filled with love.

    xoxo
    Cathy

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  4. I cried. I can't imagine but with your words I have a slight feel of what it would be like and it brings me to my knees. How are you so brave Jen? I don't know how you do it. I pray to that Jack will find someone special to help him through. Hugs Jen

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  5. Just a thought, dear Jen... I remember you talking about the special and unique bond you have with Jack. Trust that you have passed your strength and courage on to him.

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  6. Oh Jen, my heart goes out to you -- I can just imagine how difficult this is for you. But you once again AMAZE me with your courage and your bravery and attitude. Jack (and you and David) are all in my prayers...

    Hugs from south Florida...

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  7. Doing the right thing isn't always sunshine & roses; however much your heart breaks, be proud that you are making the best decision you can for Jack; you are a wonderful example of a mum.

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  8. you've taken my breath away. i can't even begin to comprehend what this must be like for you jenny. i am praying for you from this end of the world. much love to you...

    terri

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  9. Dear Jen,
    Being the amazing mom that you are, I'm certain that Jack will be buoyed by your love, guidance and strength. I know how difficult this is for you to do and what an amazing act of courage it is to do what's right for your son but not necessarily what's your first choice for yourself. You are a truly fantastic mom!
    I hope that you can manage your pain and be able to travel to visit Jack during the week and see his school and new friends periodically.
    Sending you best wishes always,
    Cate in California

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  10. Jen,

    I feel the same as the person who commented above about how it would be impossible to be a mom and not feel this deep sadness you are feeling. You really are a true example of strength and I can't think of one person I know in life that has gone through anything near as hard as all the things I have read you have been through. It just doesn't seem fair that one person as wonderful as you has to face all these things. I just wanted to tell you that your blog really is inspiring on so many levels, and that is because YOU show all of us what it means to be strong, caring and selfless. Thank you.

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  11. Dear Sweet Jen
    You will be with him as he ventures out in his new school!!! Hope that when you speak to him after his 1st day that he will be full of sunshine
    God bless and lots of prayers
    Nicky from Canada

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  12. Such an emotional time for you Jen, all I can do is send you my love and prayers. Thinking of you, Suzanne.

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  13. How are you doing lady? In my thoughts and prayers.
    Nicky from Canada

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  14. Dear Jen,

    I am crying now too Jen, for all that you are going through. I hope that Jack brings you are wonderful report of his new school so that you can ease your mind on that...

    Thinking of you always!

    annie

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  15. Dear Jen,
    I try to comment all the time, never works. Trying again.
    You are an amazing person and an Amazing Mother! Your heart is priceless. Guardian Angels will attend your dear little son. You can count on it! And I'll be praying for peace for you to rest in all of the love you've given him. I send you love and cyber hugs!
    Jynene

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  16. Hi Jenni! Thinking of you and wondering how Jack's first day of school went. And how you are doing, dear friend. Sending hugs and endless love—
    cathy

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  17. Yes, guardian angels will surround and support your son on his new adventure. You can rest assured in the knowledge that you and he will remain in many thoughts and prayers over the coming days and weeks as you all begin a new phase of your family's life. May all your dreams and wishes for him during these opening days of school come true. And your wishes for yourself as well.

    Peace be with you.

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  18. Sending you love and hugs. What a wonderful mother you are. Your boys will carry your legacy proudly.

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  19. You are an amazing mother. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. My prayers are with you and your son!

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  20. Hey Jen,

    What to say? You are the kind of parent that the rest of us want to be but are never sure we are--that is, the kind that selflessly does what is in our children's best interest even if it is very much not in ours. God bless you and give you peace in this difficult time.

    I also pray that God will find a way to bring some other joy into your life.

    Just another fan of yours in the U.S.,
    Tom

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  21. This post made me cry as well. You truly are amazing and an inspiration to all mothers. I'm sure the children will welcome your special Jack with open arms. Sending love and prayers and the hugest hug from Brisbane.

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  22. Hi sweet Jen

    I've been a bad blog friend lately. Our daughter is getting married next year so I've been a busy bee lately and my computer time has been limited. You've been in my thoughts and prayers though.

    I hope Jack is adjusting to school. I hope you'll give us an update soon.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  23. Hi Jen, So how is it all going? Like most children maybe Jack loved his first day then thought better of it!!
    The weekend is nearly upon us so you will see him soon and no doubt he will either talk non stop and tell you all about it or shrug his shoulders and want to watch the tv. Either way seems perfectly acceptable to a child!
    Thinking of you dear Jen, keep going. With much love ALice xxxx

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  24. Hi Jen...Wiping away tears after reading yoour post, and hoping that Jack had a wonderful week. Thinking of you and your dear boy. xx

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  25. Hi everyone,

    David here. Jack has really enjoyed his first week at school up here with me. Jenni has been in hospice since monday but will be home a bit over the weekend as I'm taking Jack down to spend the weekend with her. She slept a lot the first couple of days I believe as she was exhausted but sounded better yesterday on the phone.

    Regards,
    David.

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  26. In my thoughts and prayers - think of you day and night!!
    Love & blessings
    Nicky from Canada

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  27. David,
    Please send Jen my love. Thankyou.

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  28. David, Thanks so much for updating us. So glad Jack had a good week at school. I know it will make things a little easier for Jenni in her heart. Please give her my love. She is a dear, dear soul. I hope you all have a good weekend together.
    Cathy in Boston

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