Sunday, 23 August 2009

The Second Week...

Yep...I have now officially done two weeks in my new role as full time cancer patient/weekend shift mother, harsh but that's how it feels! This second week was really tough. I struggled with how quickly the weekend time with Jack went, armed with this knowledge I am struggling on a new level of trying to accept that I only get a certain amount of time with my son! I find this really hard to accept, tonight as I write this, it is ridiculously late but I can't sleep, pain both emotional and physical, the time I have had with Jack has been interrupted by my pain and it frustrates the hell out of me when I know I only have two days with him. Every time I have to leave his side to inject myself and ride out the pain is just torture. It stopped me reading to him as long as I would have liked, it stopped me laying with him to cuddle him and get him to sleep, it interrupted a movie we were trying to watch together snuggled up on the couch - it's just so, so difficult. I feel I have hardly seen him and he really needed to be with me this weekend. He had a big cry on my lap, it started over something tiny but it showed how emotionally raw he is and he is exhausted too. I just held him and kept saying 'let it out sweetheart,' over and over again. He voiced his anger at being away from me for longer than he is with me and my heart bled for him but I cannot reassure him except to say that holidays are coming up and that I will come up and stay for a few days. That did help actually but I think he is going to need me to come up and visit sooner rather than later as he is missing me terribly. David says he was fine throughout the week, happy after school and happy in the mornings but it was as if he had been holding it together until he got to me and he could then let it go. Anyway I really shouldn't be trying to do this post because I am exhausted, it is now 2am and I am full of ketamine so my brain feels fuzzy round the edges, please excuse me if I seem a bit strange but the medication does affect me quite a bit. I am just so frustrated that the pain takes up so much of my time and energy.

20 comments:

  1. Jen,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are having so much pain.

    My heart breaks for you as I know how much you miss Jack during the week.

    As always, you are in my thoughts & prayers.
    I check your blog daily.

    Hugs,
    Dodie

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  2. Jen - huge hugs. I'm so sorry that Jack cannot be in your arms right now.

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  3. jen - it is nice to hear you again. i'm so sorry that you are going thru this. i wish i had magic words for you. but never forget what an incredible person you are. my hero. here's a big hug from PA.

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  4. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm so glad he could have his cry with you. I wish I could make it all better.

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  5. Hang in there lady - you know that he is most comfortable with you because he can hold it all together when he is away from you but knows he can let it all go with you!!!! My oldest girl was like that with everything she did, it can be tough on them - but you will give him the strength he needs. Hold him tight, keep giving him all the loving and hugs that he needs. Keep encouraging him - I would make a small digital book for him that he can keep close, maybe in his backpack so that he can keep you near during the week.
    Stay strong girl so that you can hold him that much longer.
    Love and blessings and lots and lots of hugs are being sent to you.
    Nicky from Canada

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  6. Hiya Cutie. Jack's adjusting and this is going to be hard on him but I think you did a wonderful thing for him. Letting him transition like this seems to be just the thing he needs. Hang in there, dearest. It is probably harder on you.

    Much love,
    Danielle

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  7. You are doing an amazing job sweet jen. hang in there love.
    xoxox
    meg

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  8. Oh how I wish you could get that pain under control :(

    I know Jack loves you dearly. I am certain that he misses you dearly as well. But maybe he actually does do fine during the week and seeing you reminds him of how much he misses you. Just a thought. Obviously you need to be with one another as often as possible no matter what.

    XOXO,
    :Debbie

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  9. Of course he misses you because you are the best mum in the world. I hope it was really healing for him to have that big cry in his lap. And I hope that rotten pain eases up so you can enjoy every minute you spend together. Hang in there. We all are sending love.

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  10. Of course, I meant to say in "your" lap.

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  11. I love that Jack can let you see his hurting heart. You've done something wonderfully right as a mom, Jenni. I echo everyone's words here. I pray that your pain is diminished so you can focus on your boy, sweet girl.

    xo

    Jill

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  12. Good to hear from you, Jen... I have the same wishes everyone here does - that the pain ceases and you can spend all your free moments with Jack. He misses you of course but that does seem quite normal and it would be a shocker if he seemed blithe and not moved by the changes. You've raised an amazing boy (2 actually) and it's a testament to you how in touch he is with his feelings - fantastic for a kid his age!
    I too check in on you every day - and send my prayers your way always.

    Take good care,
    Cate in California

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  13. Dearest Jenni—I'm so sorry for the pain. And I'm so moved by the beautiful way you accepted Jack's very natural distress and taught him that it's okay to let it out. Where there is love like this, there is no separation and never can be. May this week be more easeful. Sending love to you, beautiful, beautiful, Jenni.
    Cathy in Boston

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  14. You are most definitely taking great care of your son and yourself in allowing him to be with his father and with you, to cry when he can, and to love you for as long as possible.

    What a wonder you are, Jen B. A true wonder of a mother and (ex)wife and daughter and friend and sister and story teller. What a legacy you are creating for your sons and for all women who must face the prospect of leaving their children before we feel done with all that we had hoped to do.

    Blessings on you for facing this situation just as you are, with all the honesty and love and courage you have - and with the tears and fears and doubts as well. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

    Peace and rest and deep sleep be yours, Gail

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  15. I'm so sorry you've had so much pain especially during your precious moments with your boy. And despite his tears, I hope it is of some comfort that he is happy during the week and keeping busy.

    Wishing you love,
    Ella.

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  16. Changes are always hard, especially for kids, so I'm sure he's having a bit of a hard time, but kids really do adjust well. I'm so glad David is helping so much.

    Hugs sweet friend!
    Kat

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  17. I have prayed for your pain to ease and I will continue. You are the most amazing mother and Jack is so lucky he feels so safe with you to share his emotions. And I am so sorry your pain is so intense and messing with your time with him.

    Anna Katherine

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  18. Hi Jen,
    I am so sorry to read that you are not pain free...I really hope they can get that under control for you. I can imagine how frustratingly difficult it is for you and Jack to not be together all the time...you seem so very close. I am thinking of you...
    annie

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  19. Dear Jen
    Just stopping in to say hello - I hope that your pain subsides and that you can manage to get it under control.
    Much love and blessings coming your way.
    Nicky from Canada

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  20. it's not fair! my heart hurts for you Jenni! there must be something they can give you that helps with this pain....i am promising my continued prayers...and i will specifically pray about the pain.

    Sweet little guy just misses his mama, his true friend who he can be his real self with. crying to you all his hurts away...

    you are the one to sooth him and give him his strength back. I too know the feeling of being a p/t mama. my oldest went to live with his dad last summer, and i feel so bereft without him.

    lay them in Gods hands, that is really all we can do when they are away from us. God watches over them and cares for them.

    God Bless you sweetie.

    xoxoxo
    shelbi

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