Just a quick update, it's been so challenging - I have to say that I have really needed support and I have been fortunate enough to have had it, my sister came to me on a night where I had just lost it! I was so upset, couldn't stop sobbing, I felt completely bereft and the telephone rang, I picked it up without thinking and it was my sister saying she had a feeling that all was not well and of course when she heard me crying she jumped in the car and drove to me. She stayed and talked me through the pain for hours, she left looking exhausted in the the wee small hours of the morning to go home to a house with three little boys needing her in the morning. Actually though it started before morning, the baby woke up just as she got home and then Max woke (her little son with autism) so she had her hands full as soon as she got home. I felt so bad for her but honestly her coming up to me made such a difference, she is a very caring person. I am finding out who the really authentic souls are at the moment. It is both happy and sad. Lee has been my rock. I don't even know where to begin. She is there for me all the time, she takes days off work, she will do anything that I need, nothing is too much trouble including driving to Warragul. The other morning at hospice I had to go off for some tests as there was some concern as to whether I had another blood clot. I am at a stage where I can't stand any more invasive tests done. This required bloods to be taken, not so easy with my veins and a canula put in my vein so dye could be put through my body for the scan. I just can't cope with anymore, I don't know why, anyway Lee had phoned me earlier that morning and I briefly told her what was happening and I know I sounded awful because I was very weak and tired, I had a room full of doctors too and had to keep the conversation short. Anyway there I am sitting in my room, two beautiful nurses meanwhile had come and offered to come with me to the hospital and be with me whilst I had the tests done. Can you believe that? They were given permission to take the time out to do that with me, that's how fantastic they are here, anyway they had just started leaving my room telling me to think about who I'd like to come with me (I didn't want to have to choose) when they suddenly came back in again all bustling and excited and said "look who the angels have brought" and they moved aside and there was Lee. She had taken the day off and was coming to be with me throughout all of the tests and she did too and I was so very glad. I honestly don't think I would have gone through with it if not for her, I just didn't have any inner strength left but she stayed by my side, gently rubbing my back and just let me doze when I needed too and looked after me so very well. I am truly grateful and so very lucky to have such a dear, devoted friend. My other friends have kept in touch too but Lee has been the one doing the hard yards. Another evening I was crying in despair because I just couldn't see how I was going to be able to get up to visit Jack at Warragul for longer than one weekend. In order to make that work I would have to leave on a week night and have David bring me home on a Sunday but I thought who would be willing to drive to Warragul and back, a two and a half hour drive on a week night. I was crying to my other sister actually, Caz and would you believe she actually asked me how much a cab would cost! Anyway, I was crying to Lee about it later and of course before I even finished explaining my worry she had offered and said she didn't mind driving me up there at all, that it wasn't that far and she was more than happy to do it. That is a true friend isn't it? I am just so very lucky to have her. Of course, it has left me with yuckish feelings toward my sister! I feel bad but I can't shake the hurt that it caused that she didn't offer even though she knew how upset it was making me. Anyway, she never reads my blog so I guess I am safe enough to mention how I feel here. It's just made me feel awkward with her now and it's a shame but I don't quite know how to deal with it without causing a big fuss. I guess I'll just leave it and hope that my feelings don't show too much, I just couldn't help but notice the lack of warmth and real putting yourself out for someone else. Especially when getting such authentic love and care from my other sister and my friend Lee. They don't just do bits and pieces when it suits them, they really do the things that require a real selflessness and I just love them so much for it it is hard to put into words the love and gratitude when you are so helpless and so sad sometimes.
Okay I am going to have to finish here, I will probably just post bits and pieces when I can so if you get lots of small posts don't be concerned, I will just grab time in between visits to hospice.
It is now Friday night again, so a few days have gone past since what I have written above. I still feel the same way about my sister (Caz - the one who said 'get a taxi' basically) and Lee has still been my rock. She came up to hospice this morning to help me go over my will and get some stuff done before bringing me home to help me here in the home to get ready for Jack's arrival but when she arrived at hospice I was so sound asleep, I slept through a workman fixing my door that leads out to a courtyard area, I slept through pain, as Lee explained she could see me cringe and curl up when the pain got bad but I didn't wake so she said she thought I must have been given something to help me sleep or to knock me out so after waiting patiently for over an hour she decided to go home and just let me sleep. Anyway I eventually woke at 11.30am and freaked out about Lee because I knew she thought she was coming earlier than that so I phoned her pretty much straight away and she was so beautiful, explained that I had been asleep and she rathered I had extra sleep so she was willing to come back again whenever I wanted her to! What an angel. So she did, she came and got me in the afternoon and brought me home, then proceeded to do loads of washing, hanging them out, fold up dry stuff, do dishes, play with the dog for ages with the ball so he got some attention, she is such a true, true friend. She is also picking Jack and I up in the morning and taking us to her home, she has a net trampoline built over a hole in the ground and it is really bouncy. Jack absolutely loves it, so we're going there for a bit of fun and for lunch, then she's taking me back to hospice just for my meds and stuff and then bringing us home again. Isn't she amazing! I love her so very much. Anyway, I really had better sign off, I am doing quite well at the moment, haven't had a pain crisis since last night. I am going to take my sleeping tablets again tonight and hopefully I will sleep through any pain. I am really looking forward to the next two days with Jack and will make the most of them as they go so quickly. Not sure how I'll go on Sunday when he leaves again but I won't think about that until he's gone so as not to ruin my time with him now. Take care my beautiful and supportive friends, I thank you again so very much for your warm comments and deeply caring words, they move me more than I can say, I am just so appreciative of you all. Much love.......
Edited to add: I was trying to include a song in this post that I particularly love it is called 'The Light of A Clear Blue Morning' and it is sung by Dolly Parton but I had all sorts of trouble so please ignore any strange goings on in that area. Honestly I am technologically challenged!