Thursday, 23 July 2009

The Time Has Come...

Unfortunately the time is coming for Jack to go and live with his Dad and start his new school. My pain is barely being managed at home and as time progresses it is only going to become more of a problem. I have had to make some tough decisions, emotionally tough but in terms of what is right for Jack I think I must move him on now whilst I can still support him through the change of school to some degree. I can at least talk with him each afternoon after his day and visit with him on weekends and be available to him in those ways. If he has trouble settling, I can perhaps help him find his feet. I hate that I have to do this but I would hate more to die and then he not only has to deal with his loss of me but also changing schools etc. I can't see a way around it. David was willing to spend a few months down here and leave Jack in the same school from the time I pass but we don't know when that is going to be so we cannot plan. Speaking with Michelle, head of District Nursing, helped me gain some clarity. She feels that I need to go into Hospice more or less permanently now. I can come out on leave and I can even go to Warragul and stay at Dave's place with nurses coming to see me up there each day. Michelle explained how that is possible and that it would be organized from this end. I felt much better after knowing that I must say. It had been weighing heavily on me that once Jack went to live with David, I would barely see him but if I was able to go up and stay a couple nights a week, help him settle, meet his teacher, all those important things and have the nurses scheduled to visit with me each day that I'm there.

I started this post last week and since I started it have been back in hospice for a few days. My pain is manageable at home again so I came home this morning. I don't know how long I have before I have to go back again so we a taking it a day at a time for now but getting things organized for Jack. It is breaking my heart but I know it needs to happen.

I am not sure what is going on with my blog in terms of some of you having trouble commenting. I will look into it and see whether I can fix something to make it easier. Take care.

52 comments:

  1. My heart is breaking with yours jen. I'm so sorry the time has come to move Jack over to David's home. All I can do is to keep sending you much love and many prayers. You continue to amaze me. My heart is so full.

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  2. Jenni,
    We will all be here praying for you and supporting you and Jack and Jamie and David...till your time and beyond. My heart is very sad to hear this news that I never wanted to hear. You are doing the right thing and you will be much more comfortable knowing that Jack is with his caring father and that his life will have less disruption. He will be in a routine and will be able to make friends and have wonderful teachers who will, with you, help him through the transition of moving and then, when your time comes, to deal with the loss of you. You have always done what is best for Jack...you are a loving mum. You will be better able to do what you can for him if you are able to stay stress and pain free. I will not cease praying for you.
    Ruthie from California

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  3. Jen, thank you again for documenting your journey.As always,my prayers are with you and your dear sweet boys.

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  4. Jen, I know Jack will settle better in his new school knowing you can help him. All my love and prayers are with you in this very heartbreaking time.

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  5. Jen, I am sending much love to you and your boys. Praying for you sweet girl,SuzanneXO

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  6. I'm sorry, dear Jen, but my thoughts and prayers will be with you in the coming days and weeks. I'm proud of you for having the strength to do the right thing for Jack but know this must be so very hard for you.

    Hugs,
    Ginny

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  7. Dear sweet Jen, my thoughts and prayers are with you over the next period of time, especially in transitioning Jack. I cannot imagine the heartbreak you must feel but I am so proud of you - you are an amazing woman and mom - amazing you are!!! Continue to be strong and enjoy much love and laughter with your boys as you transition.
    Know you are loved.
    Nicky from Canada

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  8. You are doing the right thing. You are an amazing mother and a wonderful person. God bless.

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  9. Sending love. You are an inspiration.

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  10. As incredibly hard as this is, it is the right thing to do for Jack. You are a brave and loving mother, Jen and I am in awe of you.

    Love and many many blessings,

    Susie in Rhode Island, USA

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  11. Jen, My heart is breaking for you and Jack.

    You are such a strong lady and you will do the right thing.

    Love & Hugs,
    Dodie

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  12. Jen...when my burdens seem too much for me, I think on you and your courage bouys me up~! You are an incredible inspiration to me and you will always be that now and forever. You are doing the right thing for Jack and for you.

    I am holding you in prayer and keeping you tucked in my heart...how I wished you lived near~!

    so much love....Sue in Spokane

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  13. Dear Jen, you are such a good mother. You are doing all of the right things for you little Jack, and he will always carry your love in his heart.

    I can only imagine how difficult this must be, but you are doing such a great thing. I pray that your caregivers are able to manage your pain. I know in my heart that God is carrying you on this journey, and He will see that all of those you love are cared for, too.

    My love to you, Jen. And, my prayers are yours.

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  14. Dearest Jenni—I'm so sorry this time has come but what a wise woman and loving mother you are. It will give you comfort to know Jack is situated, I'm sure. Jenni, you inspire me every day. I love you and send you all good wishes. May you be pain free and able to enjoy each day. Your love will live on in all of us and be a source of comfort always for your boys. Love and hugs— cathy

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  15. My thoughts echo those of everyone who has commented so far. I agree wholeheartedly with cathy, "your love will live on in all of us and be a source of comfort always for your boys." Keeping you, Jack, Jamie, and David in my prayers today and always, Debbie.

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  16. Jenni-I hate this news but am so proud of you and your bravery. My heart is full to brimming for you dear one. The earth is holding you. I love you.

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  17. I found your blog through another blog and I must tell you that you are such a strong beautiful young lady.You are a very loving Mum,the very best.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.I wish you peace and love dear.

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  18. Sweet Jen, you amaze me. The love you have for your child(ren) and the way you have conducted your life through your illness is an inspiration to ALL who know and love you. I may never have actually "met" you in real life, but I am glad to have known you here. Stay strong and know that many, many prayers and good thoughts go out to you each and every day from so many, myself included.
    May God give you peace and comfort.
    XXXOOO
    Hugs,
    Lisa in Florida

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  19. i'm here and i'm still listening and sending love...praying for you as i type this little message.

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  20. Aw, Jen. I'm so sorry to hear your heart is hurting in this decision, but know it's in Jack's best interest. What a blessing you've been given TIME to help Jack get used to new surroundings and a new life. I am truly and deeply sorry you have to experience this in your lifetime. I can assure you God will make up for any time you have lost with Jack in your eternity with Him. Lean on Jesus to get you through this lonely and frustrating time, Jen. He's our only hope!!! And He'll give you peace when all seems unfair and confusing.

    Love you and keep us posted. We look everyday to see if you've jotted even just a line down. Whatever you want to get off your chest, Jen, will give us something to pray about for you!!! :D

    Big Hug & Big Smootch!!!
    kat

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  21. Jen, you are an inspiration to us all. It is my privilage to read your blog and follow your story. Your children will carry your love for the rest of their lives, your children are blessed to have a mother like you. I can only pray and carry you in my heart. God bless. Carol

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  22. Hi Jen,
    Thanks for taking the time to post an update - I know we all look for even a little hello when you can manage it and think of you daily, sending you our good thoughts and prayers. I'm speaking collectively here because I know how much you are loved and supported by us here and those that are nearby...Lee, David and everyone.
    I'm sorry you're going to hospice but glad to hear that you can get out when the pain's manageable. I'm really glad that you can help Jack transition to David's house. Of course, I wish this weren't even something you have to do at all. I think that being able to make memories together, you and Jack, of a new experience and adventure will help him immensely. He can think about the time you went to "xyz/wherever" together and be comforted and supported. Almost like you are blessing his new setting by your being there. Hope this makes sense.

    Sending you love and best wishes for today and always...
    Cate in California

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  23. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, you are such a strong woman and a wonderful, wonderful mum. Sending lots of prayers your way to make this difficult time as easy as possible for you all. Much love, Linda. xx

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  24. Am finally able to post but it would only let me do so anonymously. I'm Linda from Barefoot in the Park.

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  25. May God bless you; may the prayers that so many are saying for you continue to help you find peace in your day. The choices you are making are made in beautiful unselfless love. Your children are loved. I cannot begin to know how hard this is, but it sounds like you are doing everything the right way. with much love and caring, Anne in Virginia

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  26. It is such a blessing that you can help Jack settle into his new home and school, and will give you peace of mind even though your heart will be heavy. You are a wonderful mum to your boys. I am hoping that your pain remains manageable under the care of hospice.
    Love and prayers always
    K xxx

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  27. Jen,
    I am sending you love....thinking of you always.

    xoxo,

    annie

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  28. Jen-

    Sending you so much love and prayers for mercy in this transition.

    Love-
    Emily in Colorado

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  29. Hiya Cutie,

    This is a good decision. It think it will benefit Jack a great deal if you are helping with his transition up to David's house.

    Love to you, dear heart. Hope to hear from you soon.

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  30. Jen, All my love in the world sweetheart xxx Keep going xxx

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  31. Dear Jen,

    Much love to you and your boys... you're in my prayers.

    Amber

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  32. Love and blessings, in my thoughts and prayers.
    Nicky from Canada

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  33. Dear Jen,

    This is hard news to read, and has to be so difficult to do. I think someone else said it well when they said they hate this news, but are proud of you and your bravery. True love puts the interests of others before their own, and you are doing that with Jack. I think of you all the time, and continue to pray that God would give you pain free days and nights and peace in your mind and heart. Do remember that Jesus loves you and your family with all his being. Call to him when it seems impossible.

    I'm praying that Jack gets a very kind teacher and makes a lot of true friends.
    Nancy

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  34. My words today are Nancy's words. You're in my heart because there's no time or space for those we love.
    Love <3

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  35. Positive energy and love surrounds you and keeps you safe. x

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  36. Blessings and love to you Jen. You are an amazing and loving Mom and a very brave woman.

    Jemma

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  37. You're a Mom and you're doing what, in your heart of hearts, you know you need to do. I hold you in my heart and send you goodness, grace, peace and love.

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  38. Hi Beautiful,
    Was thinking of chit chatting...but just talking about the 'weather' does not do it for me! Teehee!!!

    I love you. Words won't do justice to how much i love and care for you..and think of you...

    On Monday I celebrated the anniversary of my sweet 16 year old girl, Natasha, who had lung cancer and finished her journey on earth 3 years ago...must say....thinking about all these things...i want to say i'm a bit jealous to think that you are going to see her and all the other little ones I worked with, before I'll do...days...weeks...months...years....who knows....

    Oeee....i'm just giggling thinking how you are going to sleep over at David's place...with little Jack tucked in right next to you...some new and beautiful memories to be made....

    i love you sweet one, good luck for this part of the 'settling-in-journey'...hope all goes without too many bumps for Jack..and that this part will give your heart the needed assurance that he is going to be ok (in time)....

    love you,
    Linni xx

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  39. You have had such an impact on so many! Thank you--you are amazing!

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  40. Dear Jen, The courage it took to come to this decision and to carry it out just shows what I've seen (we've all seen ) in you all along.. your facing the hard, hard parts of this journey, naming and going through in a manner that is amazing. What you've given Jack is astounding, your preparing him for his life after your passing has been such a selfless and caring act... the pain it's causing you must be huge, and yet you do it because it's what he needs now, and will help him in the future. You're a wonder, and I just wish you ease and comfort. Bless you.

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  41. Jenni sweet...new memories to be made with Jack...getting him settled and transitioned. singing him to sleep and kissing his little cheek. It is so good that your loving handprint will be etched in his new home and space.

    and what a peace you will have in your heart to see him transition. You are such a wonderful and loving mother. He will forever hold that in his heart. Both of your boys will. You will be with them always. Your love for them is so big that it will fill them and keep them strong.

    Focus on the good, you are courageous beyond words or measure. Your boys will find treasures in this life from your actions of love during these most difficult days.

    Things in this world are so temporary...think on the eternal. It's only a short goodbye until we all see one another for a time eternal.

    i love you my friend. I will see you soon....i will.

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  42. As ever I am sending you everything that I can and hoping that your way is made as close to how you would like it as is possible. I admire you, celebrate you and ache to do more, sweet friend.

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  43. Jen

    You are an amazing woman and mother. My prayers are with you and your boys, during this difficult time.

    Lysa in CT

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  44. Jen - Holding you from across oceans and continents with so much love. You are so brave, so present, so alive, so you. I'm grateful to know you.
    xo Jena

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  45. Your unselfishness is amazing... Jack is so loved. What a wonderful mother you are. And what a wonderful person you are... your loving and generous heart is truly special.

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  46. Hello, My Darling One.

    Lest You think that I have 'misplaced' you, I want you to know that no day passes without my 'dropping in' to check on You. [smile]

    You still have (and will FOREVER have) a prominant Presence on the side-bar of my blog. (I REALLY like your lovely smile greeting Me [and those who visit me] there.) [loving smile]

    Please rest in the constant assurance that your Place in my Heart is eternl and non-negotiable. That is one of the Facts of my life that I do enjoy. [yet, another smile]

    I love You Jen

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  47. I'm praying for you all, Jen.
    Love to you.
    Fiona
    x

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  48. What a wonderful and strong mother you are. I admire you inmensely.
    Sending you love from Toronto

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  49. Oh, Jen. I can only echo what others have said. Your strength is awesome, your love for Jack immeasurable, and your gift to us all for knowing you through your blog is endless. Sending thoughts and prayers, peace and love, from California... Megan

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  50. Thank you all so very much, your words here are precious and warm my heart. I love that I can come here when I am feeling low and read your wise, kind, loving words whenever I want to. Thank you for this gift, your words and thoughts will be preserved and read by my sons in the future which will mean so much to them and will help them to see and feel the love I had/have for them. Thank you just doesn't seem enough but I want you all to know that every comment above is deeply appreciated and heard and read and re-read and I have taken so much comfort from them and will continue to do so.

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