Wednesday, 24 June 2009

I Am Okay...

I am okay and I am so sorry to anyone that has been worried about me! I know it's been an age since I've blogged and the truth is that ever since I arrived home from my stint in hospice and hospital I have had nothing but health issues. I thought I'd come home and each day be building up my strength and really making the most of this time, however, it hasn't been that way at all. First I put my neck out, which is no major health problem but it is very annoying and does stop you doing things! Next, I developed a terrible rash around my groin (I know that's probably too much information and it is an entire other story...) anyway that got so bad that I could hardly walk and then, just to top it all off, I got a really bad urinary tract infection that gave me terrible pain in my left kidney, blood in my urine, extreme fatigue, the whole bit. I was actually quite relieved that it was what it was because I was afraid that my kidney was failing, so in comparison it was quite good news! So I finally got the antibiotics late yesterday and should be on the mend soon. I had been just so exhausted and drained, sleeping just about all day and then easily all night as well and I was so concerned that this was how it was going to be for me from now on. I thought that it was symptoms associated with the cancer progressing and that being just so very tired was normal for me now and I hated it so much. I couldn't do anything, finally my very sensible district nurse came to see me and we talked and she went over all the symptoms I described very carefully and then said to me "you haven't thought that perhaps it could be a urinary tract infection have you?" Well, I could feel the hope rise up inside me as I had myself written off as going into hospital and having something horrific done to me to fix my broken down kidney...etc, etc. I looked at her with excitement and slowly said "No.....that hadn't occurred to me actually, why, do you think it's possible that's all it is?" She said she did and what's more she had a test that she could do there and then that could tell me whether I had an infection or not, so of course, we did the test and yes I had an infection, matter of fact she'd never seen the test react as high as it did for me so I must of had it for a while and it was pretty bad. She then explained to me just how bad urinary tract infections can actually get, I didn't realize but they can make you absolutely exhausted, cause kidney pain and even worse if let go long enough. Anyway, next step was to have a pathology test done, they came to me thankfully as I was in no condition to have to go out, then I had to wait 24 hours till I finally phoned my doctor and got my script faxed through to pharmacy and antibiotics delivered later that day. So, hopefully, fingers crossed and all that..., I should be on the mend in the next day or so.

In other news, I have had Jack home with a nasty cold which in a way has been kind of nice as we have both been under the weather and lazed around in the lounge room together, occasionally playing 'Uno', watching a movie (I love kids movies), or just reading and chatting quietly, so quality time in an enforced manner, not good to be sick but if you have to be it's nice to be together.

A friend and I were talking the other day and we decided to hire someone to come in on a weekly basis and clean my home thoroughly for me (she thought of it and I was only stunned that I hadn't thought of it myself.) We decided I deserve that as I am not strong enough to keep up with it anymore and I have more important things to spend my limited amount of time on. My home has become quite rundown and very cluttered and just depressing. It was getting bad when I went in to hospice for my five week stint away from home and by the time I got back, it was a nightmare. I mean, things like washing and kitchen had been kept up with but no-one vaccumed, no one washed floors or cleaned bathrooms or changed bedding - just horrendous to come home to. Anyway, I have been unable to get on top of it and it has been getting me down just so much. I only wish I'd thought of it sooner but never mind, I feel better already just knowing it's going to happen! I am going to get someone in for the first couple of times to do a great big clean, I don't mind how long it takes I just want it done and then I will hire them weekly to maintain and also to help me with ironing, or anything else I may need. How wonderful is that? I am thrilled about it, it almost fixes my depressed mood. If I can just get on top of these niggling health issues I will be feeling much better physically and mentally and if I have to be ill, then it's much better to be ill in a clean home. I think it will also help my relationship with my mother as it will stop me wishing she could do more to help.

On the emotional front, Jack has been such a happy, well adjusted child. David was over for dinner last night and we were all sitting in the lounge room, I was reading my book and Jack and Dave were on the couch together talking and playing playstation and I looked up and watched them every now and then and Jack would be explaining something to Dave and he was just so animated and happy, he looked beautiful because his inner sparkle was just beaming through, he was laughing and talking and I thought to myself, gosh he really is such a happy little boy. Then, of course, as often happens these days, I felt a dark cloud fall over me as I remembered that I would not be in this picture one day in the not to distant future and I found myself hoping against all hope that Jack never lost that inner sparkle. That my death would not, could not, take that away from him. Please God! I just found myself wondering what exactly it will do to him, what does it do to a young child to lose it's mother? I actually don't know and I really need to go and see a grief counsellor before I die to ask what does it do to a child? How can I minimize the damage? What, if anything, can I put in place now to ensure minimum impact? David should go too and learn what he can do after I've gone, to help Jack cope. I will have a talk to him and ask him whether he'd be willing to go. I am really sure he would as he has Jack's best interests at heart. Well, I don't want to end this post on such a flat note so let me think about something nice I can tell you.....okay, my garden has been just lovely lately with all the Autumn colors and my camellias are out and I have so many birds visiting. Although it's Winter, we've had some gorgeous, bright, sunny days here so it has been a joy to just sit and watch the birds and look at the colors (which have just about finished now) through the windows or sometimes to sit outside in the afternoon sun and read a book. There now, that's better isn't it? Okay, well that's all for now folks, I will try not to leave it so long in between posts next time, take care to all of you and again, thank you for your continuing support and love, you know I appreciate you all so very much - huge hugs and love, bye for now.

29 comments:

  1. So glad to see your post. I'm hoping you are feeling much better in 24 hours. I'm also glad to hear that you are enjoying time with your family. Great idea as to the housekeeping! Take care of yourself. Hugs Lisa

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  2. What a brilliant idea to get a housekeeper!!!

    I hope you are feeling better in the next few days once they get your infection under control.

    Katherine
    x

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  3. It's great to hear from you! Blessings from just another fan from the other side of the planet.

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  4. i can't imagine how annoying those little health problems must be to you now. glad you're getting that housekeeper, and so happy to hear about jack's sparkle. it might dim for a bit, but i suspect nothing will ever quench it.

    haven't been spending much time in blogland these days, but i wanted to poke my head up and tell you that you're on my mind.

    much love...

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  5. SOOOOooooooo happy to hear from you again Jen :)

    But so sorry to hear that you have had a rough go these past few weeks. And I just want to say, I know that Jack will be ok.

    God knew what He was doing by giving you one another....Jack's 'inner spark' is from being raised by such a wonderous and beautiful mother.

    He will never lose that. There is nothing you need to do, because your love will continue to live on inside of him forever :) he has his mothers spirit...and nothing (not even death) can ever take away that beautiful part of you that lives inside of him.

    i love you friend. praying for you always...

    xoxox
    shelbi

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  6. You just can't know how glad I am to see you here. I hope those antibiotics work super fast. UTIs suck. ;-)

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  7. It was wonderful to see an update. I hope this kindey thing will be over soon. I know exactly how you feel about the house being clean. It can make everthing seem just a little better when your surroundings are clean and neat. So glad you'll be getting some help. Take care Jen:)

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  8. I'm so happy you've posted again. Someone to clean will be such a help, both physically and mentally. Just relax and enjoy your time with family. You're in my prayers sweet friend.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  9. Hi Jen,
    I've been following your story for some time now, and felt the need to comment regarding your questions about the emotional impact of a mother's death on a child. Although all children are different, of course, I think it is accurate to say that all children are very resilient! My neighbour died of breast cancer about two years ago. She was 37 and her daughter was 9 at the time. Although there was a very rough period that followed, I was recently watching her daughter skip off with my daughter down the road to the park (they are the same age) and I remember thinking that all of her sparkle and joy is still there, despite losing her mum. There will be moments of melancholy and bittersweetness for both of your sons, but the love and joy of life that you have clearly instilled in them can never be taken away, not even with death. I hope this helps. Sending my love from Nova Scotia,
    Take care,
    Johanna

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  10. So glad to hear from you, Jen! Brilliant ideas to get housekeeping help and consult a grief counselor for support. And, yes, Jack will always have his spark, in part because he will know how happy his mum will be to know he is still loving life. Sending you warm sunshine from California summer... :) Megan

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  11. Joining the chorus and sending my love and prayers, as always :D

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  12. Johanna, I just wanted to take the time to thank you for sharing the story about your neighbour and her daughter. I really appreciate it and it did make me feel better to hear how happy the daughter was two years on. I pray that Jack will be very resilient too and go on and have a wonderful and happy life despite the pain of losing his mother. It certainly is heartwarming to read of that little girls happiness, I hope it continues, she deserves it after going through something so tough. Thanks again my friend, very thoughtful of you. Take good care. :)

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  13. Will you send her my way after she's done with your house? Oy! Just returned from vacation to a house in the same shape as yours...bed linens dirty, bathrooms dirty, kitchen floor dirty....just depressing! (I couldn't get it all done before we left!)

    It's so funny to hear you talk about it being winter over there...Dallas forecast is 102 today...ouch!

    Maybe not such a bad idea to see a counselor with David. But, Jack will have a sense of security and hope from Christ, Jen. KNowing your are in the protective arms of your Heavenly Father and he will see you again one day will give him some peace and something to live for. Give him scripture (God's promise that He has to keep) about living even after we close our eyes on earth. Putting your faith and trust in Him gives us eternal salvation and hope. Jesus Christ will give Jack that peace, Jen. Only He can do that when all seems calamity and confusion.

    Love to you and your family.
    Hug and a Smootch!

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  14. It's really good to hear from you sweet heart!
    here's a fairy with a poem by Shakespeare - I love the fairy you sent me in facebook :)
    Love to you, Jack & Jamie <3

    http://witchcraft-supplies.com/FairyIndex.html

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  15. I've been thinking about you, Jen, and am glad to read about what's been happening. Children are amazing and seeing their smiles fills my heart with joy.
    xox and sunshine from NE Ohio

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  16. I am so pleased to read this post, you sound beautifully calm and peaceful, and it's wonderful that Jack is so happy, and that you are going to see someone to find out all you can...sending you my love and hugs.

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  17. How are you kid? Often in my thoughts, when I'm not demented doing 'stuff'! Thankyou for calling by my blog. I lifted me xxx P.S I'd share a few sick Michael Jackson jokes with you but I'm not too sure of your sense of humour and especially those who post here, so I'll err on the side of caution...

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  18. Glad to hear from you and glad that you are on the up swing. So happy to hear that you had some qualify time with Jack, even though you both weren't feeling well - I agree sometimes those are the best times.
    Love, laughter & blessings.
    Nicky from Canada

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  19. Dear Jen,
    Thank you so much for leaving your words on my blog....
    You thanked me for giving you inspiration and touching your life...
    Well my new friend,
    it is you I should thank and touching mime.
    What an extraordinarily strong woman you are.
    I sit her just blown away by your frankness, gentleness and courage.
    I'm just fathoming how much I take for granted.

    Please reach for those scrapbooks, fill them with all your love, all your wisdom and experience.
    You have just this minute taught me to journal more (I hardly at all)and its about to change
    God bless your journey Jen
    xx

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  20. so glad you're getting some help. When I was going through chemo someone paid to have my house cleaned and it was one of the nicest gifts! I hope it brings you some sanity and needed rest!

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  21. just checking in to see if you are ok. email me when you can....i miss hearing from you dear sweet friend...

    xoxo

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  22. Thinking about you today Jen! Hugs Lisa

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  23. Just checking up on you! Hope you are enjoying having someone doing the cleaning for you. I am off work for a couple of weeks so let's catch up.

    K xoxo

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  24. Thoughts and blessings coming your way. In my prayers.
    Nicky from Canada

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  25. Thinking about you tonight and hoping you're feeling good and enjoying yourself.

    You're in my prayers sweet friend.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  26. just thinking of you and hoping you're feeling well jen! sending you love and prayers!

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  27. Letting you know someone else is thinking about you and holding you in my prayers.

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  28. Okay, dear Jen. We would love to hear a word from you. You are in my heart and prayers.

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