I can breathe a little easier as I have had talks with Jack and he is just such an awesome little guy I am just so impressed by his strength. I have had, I guess, a series of talks with him as I haven't wanted to overload him with one huge long discussion. So we have talked several times and each time I am so impressed with the way he handles it. One of the very first things he said when I intimated to him that I may have to die and leave him while he was still very young was how very lucky he was to have such a good daddy that loved him! I honestly thought my heart would melt. What a positive and wonderful thing to think of. Anyway I knew I had to discuss my leaving him and it had been bothering me that we hadn't talked about it in a while and in such detail before. I knew that now I had two big clots on either side of my heart that this was much more serious in terms of when my passing could occur than it was before. It is mostly due to complications of cancer that we die and complications have started to arise with me during the past 6 months or so. So he now knows that it could happen suddenly and that if it does he will be loved and taken really good care of. He knows he will move to Warragul and attend a new school which we talked about for a long time. I told him how I had changed schools when I was young and he was fascinated and wanted to hear all about that so I told him and I told him that I found a really special friend when I changed schools and it was a good thing so he feels much much better about that. I told him that it would be hard on him and he would miss me terribly but that I know without a doubt that we will be together again one day. I showed him in the Bible where it promises and the part about no more sickness, or pain, etc, etc. I told him to hang onto that and if people tell him otherwise that is their opinion but to remember that mummy believed in her heart that we would be together again and that's what is important. I told him that I am not going to be an angel who can watch out for him and help him because I don't want him thinking that when things go wrong in his life, and they will from time to time, that it's because I wasn't helping him or watching over him. I told him God will have to do that and he can talk to God anytime, anywhere. I've tried to give him something he can believe in and hang onto to help him get through the times when he misses me terribly and I do believe we'll be together again, I just know it somehow. So it all went really well, he took it really well and hasn't shown any behavioural problems since. He is happy in himself. I have been spending quality time with him, we've played lots of board games together and talked together a lot and just hung out together. Next time he goes to his dad's place, I have been invited (by his dad and by Jack) to go with them and spend the night and Jack can show me his special things up there. I have been before but it was a long time ago now so David and I thought it might be nice for Jack to have the memories of me being there a few times and being a part of his future home. It is very nice to have David on the same page, makes things a lot easier and I am grateful for that I can tell you.
The next thing I feel I need to do is talk to Jamie some more. We have discussed things before and even as recently as while I was in hospital but I still have the feeling that more is needed there so that will be the next thing I will tackle. I am very grateful to have the opportunity I can tell you, it's one thing I can leave my boys that matters most, how to cope the best way they can without me and to make it as easy on them as it can possibly be. Then I have some letters I want to write and I imagine that when those things are done I will breathe a sigh of relief and feel that I have done what I could and I will have a measure of peace when I do have to go. Oh who am I kidding, I am not going to want to leave my boys no matter what so I will probably go out kicking and screaming. I am never going to be ready to leave them really am I? Still, I know I won't have a lot of say in it in the end so I am really glad to be getting these things done and I am so relieved to have spoken with Jack. I am sure we will have many more talks the longer I am around for because I really want what I tell him to stay with him to help him get through. I am sure he is such a strong and resilient little boy and he does have a wonderful father so I know he will be as okay as it is possible to be after losing your mum. He will have a life again and he will be happy again. His dad is, thankfully, very affectionate and has no shame in kissing and hugging Jack and snuggling him up in bed with him if Jack is scared or just wants to come into his bed. He reads to him each and every night that he has him, he makes sure he cleans his teeth, eats his fruit and vegies, says his prayers. He lets him play computer games but not too much, he plays with him in make up games and also other games so he really is a good all rounder. I know Jack will miss cuddles and kisses from me but at least his father isn't one of those men that can't show his feelings that way so Jack will still get that kind of nurturing from him. Anyway, that's where things are at right now. I am still here and I am kind of surprised and happy when I wake each day. This time I have right now feels so very precious and I am making the most of it by simply just being with my boys. Little things like we all sit at the table at night and play games and laugh and just love each other, it is so wonderful. Well, thank you all for your wonderful comments and prayers and support, I love you all and need you helping me through this. It may seem strange to people that hear about it but this blog and you all supporting me along the way has helped me enormously so I truly thank you again for everything you say. Take care my dear blog family and I will update again soon. I have some photos I think I'll share next time just for a change, just random ones but it will make for a nice change I think.