Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Breathing Easier...

I can breathe a little easier as I have had talks with Jack and he is just such an awesome little guy I am just so impressed by his strength. I have had, I guess, a series of talks with him as I haven't wanted to overload him with one huge long discussion. So we have talked several times and each time I am so impressed with the way he handles it. One of the very first things he said when I intimated to him that I may have to die and leave him while he was still very young was how very lucky he was to have such a good daddy that loved him! I honestly thought my heart would melt. What a positive and wonderful thing to think of. Anyway I knew I had to discuss my leaving him and it had been bothering me that we hadn't talked about it in a while and in such detail before. I knew that now I had two big clots on either side of my heart that this was much more serious in terms of when my passing could occur than it was before. It is mostly due to complications of cancer that we die and complications have started to arise with me during the past 6 months or so. So he now knows that it could happen suddenly and that if it does he will be loved and taken really good care of. He knows he will move to Warragul and attend a new school which we talked about for a long time. I told him how I had changed schools when I was young and he was fascinated and wanted to hear all about that so I told him and I told him that I found a really special friend when I changed schools and it was a good thing so he feels much much better about that. I told him that it would be hard on him and he would miss me terribly but that I know without a doubt that we will be together again one day. I showed him in the Bible where it promises and the part about no more sickness, or pain, etc, etc. I told him to hang onto that and if people tell him otherwise that is their opinion but to remember that mummy believed in her heart that we would be together again and that's what is important. I told him that I am not going to be an angel who can watch out for him and help him because I don't want him thinking that when things go wrong in his life, and they will from time to time, that it's because I wasn't helping him or watching over him. I told him God will have to do that and he can talk to God anytime, anywhere. I've tried to give him something he can believe in and hang onto to help him get through the times when he misses me terribly and I do believe we'll be together again, I just know it somehow. So it all went really well, he took it really well and hasn't shown any behavioural problems since. He is happy in himself. I have been spending quality time with him, we've played lots of board games together and talked together a lot and just hung out together. Next time he goes to his dad's place, I have been invited (by his dad and by Jack) to go with them and spend the night and Jack can show me his special things up there. I have been before but it was a long time ago now so David and I thought it might be nice for Jack to have the memories of me being there a few times and being a part of his future home. It is very nice to have David on the same page, makes things a lot easier and I am grateful for that I can tell you.

The next thing I feel I need to do is talk to Jamie some more. We have discussed things before and even as recently as while I was in hospital but I still have the feeling that more is needed there so that will be the next thing I will tackle. I am very grateful to have the opportunity I can tell you, it's one thing I can leave my boys that matters most, how to cope the best way they can without me and to make it as easy on them as it can possibly be. Then I have some letters I want to write and I imagine that when those things are done I will breathe a sigh of relief and feel that I have done what I could and I will have a measure of peace when I do have to go. Oh who am I kidding, I am not going to want to leave my boys no matter what so I will probably go out kicking and screaming. I am never going to be ready to leave them really am I? Still, I know I won't have a lot of say in it in the end so I am really glad to be getting these things done and I am so relieved to have spoken with Jack. I am sure we will have many more talks the longer I am around for because I really want what I tell him to stay with him to help him get through. I am sure he is such a strong and resilient little boy and he does have a wonderful father so I know he will be as okay as it is possible to be after losing your mum. He will have a life again and he will be happy again. His dad is, thankfully, very affectionate and has no shame in kissing and hugging Jack and snuggling him up in bed with him if Jack is scared or just wants to come into his bed. He reads to him each and every night that he has him, he makes sure he cleans his teeth, eats his fruit and vegies, says his prayers. He lets him play computer games but not too much, he plays with him in make up games and also other games so he really is a good all rounder. I know Jack will miss cuddles and kisses from me but at least his father isn't one of those men that can't show his feelings that way so Jack will still get that kind of nurturing from him. Anyway, that's where things are at right now. I am still here and I am kind of surprised and happy when I wake each day. This time I have right now feels so very precious and I am making the most of it by simply just being with my boys. Little things like we all sit at the table at night and play games and laugh and just love each other, it is so wonderful. Well, thank you all for your wonderful comments and prayers and support, I love you all and need you helping me through this. It may seem strange to people that hear about it but this blog and you all supporting me along the way has helped me enormously so I truly thank you again for everything you say. Take care my dear blog family and I will update again soon. I have some photos I think I'll share next time just for a change, just random ones but it will make for a nice change I think.


  1. Jen

    This post literally gave me sweet chills. You are one amazing woman! You are an incredible Mom and you're doing everything possible for your boys even during this time when I know it can't be easy. I'm so glad you're feeling good enough to enjoy yourself and make some wonderful memories for the boys. I promise you are in my prayers.

    FYI...I have decided to try blogging again. I hope you'll visit me at my new blog, STARTING OVER



  2. Okay, Jen, maybe this will go through...it's been kicking me off the internet when I try to send you a comment! I've been on this computer for about 3 hours trying to type and re-type this to get it to you!!! :D

    You're doing great by keeping your talks with Jack simple and on a positive note. Knowing he has a strong and loving father in David to take care of him when you go is his whole world. But knowing he has a loving, wonderful Heavenly Father is going to be his sustaining comfort when times are tough and the world lets him down. You're leaving a legacy of hope by reading the bible with him and Jamie. They'll remember you forever for that and knowing it was important to you. They'll also turn to it when they're in need.

    God's word IS TRUTH that doesn't change and He cannot lie. His word is His promise. What He says will be done. It's our hope and our assurance.

    Jesus says in John 14:6, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." There is no other way into heaven, Jen, and don't let anyone tell you differently--that's God's word. We just can't do enough to get us in--we're good, but not good enough to a Holy God. Jesus paid that price for us and I'll never understand its depth in my lifetime.

    Romans 10:9 says, "That if you confess with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." How simple He makes it for us. He doesn't say we have to DO anything other than confess and believe. There is no sin Jesus cannot forgive no matter how horrible or for how long as long as we confess it and believe. He will forgive All of our sin.

    Jack needs to know the way WE KNOW we will see each other again in heaven is through our faith (believing) in Jesus who died on the cross and rose again from the grave. He made that sacrifice for us--took on everybody's sin--so we could overcome death too. And we live forever when we confess that and believe!!!

    The talks with Jamie will be more difficult for you, but ask God to get you through it. Ask for His wisdom and the words to say to Jamie that will give him comfort in this terrible, confusing time. I'm sorry you have to experience this, Jen. It's just so wrong. But God has a plan for all of us. He will use your life to touch others for His glory. Your suffering will not go unnoticed.

    Just confess and believe. Because I want to see you in heaven too!!! To give you a big hug and a smootch, Jen, from your friend in texas who loves and prays for you and your family and wants nothing more than to see you happy in Jesus Christ!!!

  3. I'm breathing a sigh of relief with you and holding on to all this precious time, however much is given to each and every one of us. Fill it with love, sister. Fill it with love.

  4. Sending you much love and so glad you are given this time to spend with your boys. Your strength is amazing, and you are living your life with a full, full heart. Please know that you are making a huge difference in the lives of the people reading your blog, as well. Sending hugs across the miles.

  5. Do what you need to do Jen. In your own time, in your own way. No other way would do...yours is perfect, just the way it is.
    I admire you. I am in awe of you. I hurt for you and the boys but take away some happiness for you in this post. You sure are something Jen. If only we could have been closer in miles, that sure would be nice...
    Take care sweets; I'll keep pulling for you, each day, and waiting for the updates.

  6. Once again I am at a loss for words. I want so much to be able to help in some way. Your boys are so blessed to have a mother who is teaching them by example how to handle adversities. I pray that as Jack sees you put your trust in God it will give him the courage to trust Him too... XOXO, Debbie

  7. Dear Jen,
    I am speechless about the way you handle things. You are such a wonderful, sensitive loving lady. You are so good and open. It would be such a good idea to leave your blog and comments to your sons, as it is so important for you and they will know and read how you felt and how much, we readers, friends, admire you. We love you and your boys so much...

  8. You are such a gift to the world dear sister of mine. You handle such difficulty with grace I can only hope to have one day. Whatever comes I will always be thankful that you have taught me how to live each day as it matters. I love you and am so proud of you. xo

  9. Dear Jen
    You are amazing and such a wonderful mom. So happy that you have this time with your most priced possessions. So good to see you peaceful and fighting with everything you have!! You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of love and laugther for you all.
    Nicky from Canada

  10. What a generous gift you give your boys in the honest and direct conversation. I admire your strength and courage...


  11. Gosh, you are a brave and wonderful mother! I think your boys are incredibly lucky and I am happy to hear about the support from David.

    It will all be as it will. Love, Susie

  12. Again I am so grateful to know you, dearest Jenni. You teach us how to live with dignity and courage and heart. You are a warrior mom and your boys will carry your love within them forever as will we. May each day be rich in love and blessings for you, dear friend.

    Cathy in Boston

  13. Your blog is a gift you give to all of us. Blessings.

    Suzanne from Canada

  14. Dear Jen, I read your post with tears in my eyes -- and in total amazement at how beautifully you are handling this all with your children. I admire you so much and you are such an inspiration to so many, myself included.
    May God bless you with many more days of laughter with your boys, sitting around the table chatting and playing games together.
    Much love & prayers from Lisa in south Florida

  15. Just sending love to you. A lot of love and admiration. I am in awe...

  16. I spilled a lot of tears reading this one Jen and the last one too...but I am so glad you talked with Jack and that you feel better about how he is dealing with everything. It warmed my heart to read about David and how he is with Jack...he sounds like a great father. I am thinking of you a lot and my family knows all about you too. They ask how you are. Even though we have never met, we care about you tremendously...this whole blog thing is pretty amazing isnt it? Looking forward to seeing your pictures...and sending you lots of love!

  17. sending out all my love.

    your friend
    Leeanne xxxx

  18. Dear Jen,

    I'm so glad to hear you're home! I've been very concerned... You are such a brave and grace-filled woman. Thank you for sharing this journey. It is an enormous gift. You are right in telling Jack that you will be together again one day - whatever happens. Hold on to that faith. We'll hold it with you. Much love to you tonight.


  19. Jack is amazing little guy - and is going to be fine. Don't you love the way he sees the positive in the situation - he has a good dad. You are doing a wonderful job with him. Will send email over weekend.
    love and hugs
    K xxxx

  20. How are you doing sweet girl.
    Just in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love and laughter.
    Nicky from Canada

  21. Dear jen, I just loved reading this post - your words to jack were amazing. I really loved the part about how you would not be an angel to watch out over him, that God would do that - it is also so great that you see what a fantastic dad David is and how he will bestow so much love and affection on Jack, as you do. May God continue to help you find peace in your day, as you move forward in your loving and talking with Jamie. He is older, yet is still your boy - prayers for all you! with love Anne in Virginia

  22. Great Blog! I added you to my blogroll, Cancer Blog Links at www.beingcancer.net under Breast Cancer
    Take care, Dennis

  23. As always, I am simply blown away by your words, your spirit, your experience, your ability to write through all of this, and your dear family. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

    Megan in California

  24. Dear Jen
    I have thought about you a lot these past few weeks. I am so glad your pain is being managed now, and that you are able to say the things you need to say. I continue to send you healing energy and good thoughts.

  25. Sweet Jen, you are in my thoughts and prayers each and everyday. You're such a beautiful person inside and out. Stay strong.

  26. I was just introduced to your blog by a friend, and I am so thankful! Your thoughts and words are both beautiful and inspiring, even in their heart-breaking nature. I feel privileged to share them. My prayers are with you, Jack, and the rest!
    Diana in California