Saturday, 30 May 2009

Making It Through the Fear...

Hi my dear friends and thank you for all your support and comfort after my last post, it is indeed much appreciated. Well I've been home a week tomorrow now and I am still here! I haven't dropped dead in front of my boys yet, thank God! I have been nervous, mostly at night when things tend to seem much worse anyhow, but the days are passing and so far so good. I must admit that I would feel much more comfortable with another adult in the house with me during the night but it is very difficult for people so I am trying to be strong and cope with the worry. I have asked my doctor for some sleeping pills as I am having trouble shutting down enough to sleep, I guess I feel as though I don't want to waste whatever time I may have left sleeping and also the fear that I won't wake up again is ever present and I think that it will be until I have the CT Scan that says the big clots in my lungs have dissolved. Until then, I am bound to be a bit nervous and on edge. I am not letting it rule my life but it definitely gives me the willies every now and then I must admit.

I am very lucky not to have died the night that the clots broke away and went into my lungs. I keep thinking it is because I have unfinished business here and I must get on with it as I have been given this chance but it is so scary to get what I need to get done finished because I am afraid that then I will die. See how these thoughts kind of mess with my head a bit. However, I truly must use this time wisely as the fact is I am a bit of a time bomb and there is absolutely no guarantee I will be here for the next hour let alone beyond that. I know that I need to talk with Jack about me passing sooner rather than later. While I was in hospital so afraid, one of the things that was really bothering me was that Jack wouldn't be expecting me to die and would not be in any way prepared for it. Well that is not quite true, we have had talks before but it was a long time ago and I don't believe it was in depth enough for the seriousness of the situation now. I felt and still do feel that I have a lot I want to tell him and I want to prepare him as well as it is possible to prepare a child for the death of a cherished parent. I realise he will not be able to truly fathom what it will be like but I still need to leave him with a legacy of honesty and one where he believes he will see me again one day because I truly do believe that and I think that if he can carry that in his heart it will make it all a teeny bit more bearable for him. So I want to leave him with words he can remember and words that are meaningful and that will support him even after I have gone. So, I know what I must do and yet I have been home a week and I still haven't done it. It is a talk that is going to be so emotionally demanding and one that every mother would dread having with her child and yet it would be so much worse if I didn't. So I must stop procrastinating and get on with it because even this very day I have had some bleeding from the tumor and that is really, really not good. It is not a huge amount and I am not going rushing off to hospital but I will phone hospice in the morning and see what they say I should do. I know it is not a good thing and it is one of the things I have to watch out for being on these blood thinners. The problem is I can have a 'bleed out' and it is very hard to stop it because of the blood thinners I am on. It can cause death but as I say it is not enough to be panicking but still enough to remind me that I am on borrowed time and I must get done the things I know in my heart I want done before I go. Yes, I also need to speak with Jamie, although we have had some talks about it and he has also been talking with my mum and with David. He seems to be handling it okay but I know it must be hard on him too. There are some more things I want to leave him with also, so I must really get on with it. Anyway, that's where I'm at lately, just trying very hard to keep it all together and do what I know is right. While I was away in hospice and then hospital etc, I asked for a notebook and each day I dated it and wrote messages to the boys in it. Just whatever I'd be thinking about them at the time, I noted down so that if I died whilst in there, they could look at it one day and see what I was thinking about each day. Then my sister bought me a gorgeous journal so I am thinking of transcribing those notes into the journal as it would be nicer to keep than an old exercise book (that's what we call little thin note books that kids use in school here in Oz). So that's another thing I'd like to get done. There are many things. I would still like to get some more scrapbook pages for the albums done and letters to friends and family if I could. Things for them to keep and hopefully to make them feel better when they read what I have written. I don't know why I feel that when I have done those things I will die but that thought stays with me and perhaps it's because I have an instinct about it and perhaps it is just a fear and not based on reality at all, either way I am finding it difficult to get moving but I must and I will as it is too important not to get done.


  1. You're truly an amazing and courageous woman Jen. Absolutely inspiring.

    Am thinking about you - and your boys - and hoping that for whatever time you have left, be it days, weeks, years, you have many delightful and sublime moments with them.

    (And I'm sure you will - from reading your blog it seems that you are one of those rare people who is able to find magic in the ordinary, and also an extraordinary ability to be gracious in the most terrible of circumstances - and THAT is why you are inspiring!!)

    Sleep well tonight. XXXXX

  2. Jen your blog could also be made into a keepsake book through one of those sites that do that. The boys would have your words forever. Something to think about.

    I think you will feel better when everything is cleared up and then you can just relax and enjoy the boys without the worry that you have things unsaid.

    Sending you huge hugs and lots of love. Lisa L.

  3. I agree with Lisa, this blog is a wonderful testiment to you love, bravery and spirit and the boys will cherish it. I know I do.


  4. Hugs to you, brave, brave woman. The other commenters are right, this blog is a wonderful gift to give your boys. They can read this one day and know how much you love them, and just what an incredible, inspiring woman you are.


  5. That's a wonderful idea ladies and I will look into having that done. Thank you, I wouldn't have thought of doing that.

  6. Jen, I was thinking as I was reading your post that there could not be a more complete and beautiful legacy than this very blog. And, I must say, it's a great idea because I am not alone in my thinking!

    I'm so sorry and sad when I read about the times, past and present, that you are struggling to talk with Jack, it just sends shivers down my spine. It is your reality, and I know I would be so frightened. You are brave, and wonderful...I wish each and every one of us could take your fear, and spread it around among us, so you wouldn't have to carry it all by yourself. I know I'm not alone in wishing we could do more for you. But, left with what we have, just know your blog family is with you, praying for you and loving you.

  7. I've been wondering how you were doing, I'm sorry to hear that there are so many problems but happy to hear that you're home with your sons.

    I don't know if this helps but it might. Take care.

  8. Talk to the boys so you can feel the peace of that accomplishment, the certainty of having done it...the anxiety about it is drawing your energy too, so don't feed it. Nourish yourself by talking to your sons and loving them the best way you know. Together, you'll feel better.

    Love to you, brave mama.


  9. Dear Jen, as I read, I too had the thought that so much of what the boys will one day want to hear has already been beautifully said by you right here in your blog. You are an awe-inspiring inspiration in your readiness to face such hard stuff, and I think of you when I pray for healing. Blessings to you and your boys.

  10. Dear Jen
    Talk to you boys, write them letters to ensure it is said!! You are am amazing mom!! Squeeze them tight!!
    Love, laughter and many blessings. Always in my thoughts and prayers
    Nicky from Canada

  11. I'm running out of things to say to you becasue I am genuinely and not in a much bandied word, in awe of you. I can only hope that were I in a similar situation to you I could cope as you do. There have been times in my life when at night, being alone with the chidlren has been the scariest place to be and my issues were small potatoes compared with yours.
    It really is an honour to know you xxx