Friday, 24 April 2009

Emotional Outburst Finished Now...

Thank you darlings so very much, your support and love is just so appreciated. I know I probably scared you, I scared myself! I just stopped coping for a while there but I am okay again. Well, a little battle scarred, a slight bit weary maybe but back in the ring so to speak. I really hit a bit of a low point there and it was a struggle to cope for a moment or two (well you know...). I had probably best explain what's been going on with me although I know I've put the cart before the horse the way I just exploded onto the screen with such an emotional outburst in my last post. I have been doing it a bit hard lately, I came down with a nasty chest infection which is being treated with antibiotics then I came down with a nasty case of cellulitis and that is being treated with stronger antibiotics, of course, being on all these antibiotics and being that my immune system is compromised means that I must miss chemo this week which is not good news for the pain that I am still struggling with. I have been too afraid (I'm a little ashamed to admit) to go to sleep tonight, although I am so very tired, but I am so afraid that the pain will build up while I'm asleep and then it will take so long to bring it back down again. I have injected myself four times now and am a little more confident that I can fill the syringe fairly quickly and easily if need be. I actually drew three up and left them in the fridge ready to use as I was so concerned that I would not be able to manage once the pain hit! The pain did start to build but I was able to prevent it getting out of hand so I feel a tiny bit more confident. I will stay awake though and sleep tomorrow while Jack is at school. I tell you what, I feel as though I have been through so much in the past few days that I am different somehow. Pain has really frightened me and has made me feel just so defeated. As though I have been beaten up.. ... I just couldn't stop crying even after the pain had gone away! Anyway, I will post again soon and please know how much I love and appreciate each one of you, thank you so much for coming and supporting me here, you are so very dear to me.

103 comments:

  1. Dearest Jenni,
    So glad to hear that you are back in control somewhat. I can only imagine that the degree of pain that you are experiencing can become all-consuming. I would be frightened, too. Venting can be very therapeutic, so you just go on ahead. Praying for you always,
    Ruthie from California

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  2. You sound so much better Jen...and there is never any need to explain an "outburst"! You are so brave...and strong. You are coping much better than you give yourself credit for. You are amazing. Sending love and prayers to you.

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  3. Sorry this is such a darn roller coaster... glad things are more manageable lately. Also SUPER happy to hear the Avastin is squared away - that is fantastic news!!
    Take good care and kiss those boys lots!
    Cate in California

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  4. Hi Sweetie....just read your last two posts. So sorry that things have been so bad, and am hoping and praying that now things will stay somewhat better. You amaze me....even with everything you are going through, your first priority is still your darling boys. Never underestimate how lucky they are to have you. Hugs and blessings...Tara-Lynn from Canada

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  5. I don't know how you stay so strong. Cellulitis on its own knocked me out and you are dealing with so many things. You have every right to vent your feelings. I'd be crying non-stop! Take care of yourself. I hope you can have some peaceful sleep.

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  6. Glad to hear the pain is somewhat more under control. You dear soul! Of course, the pain gets so exhausting...physically and emotionally.

    I think of you throughout the day and pray for you often.

    Cindy in Canada

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  7. Dearest Jenni-
    What a roller coaster you are on my friend. I am so sorry for the last dip but glad that you are feeling a bit more in control. I am here thinking about you and sending love no matter where you are or how you feel. Rest rest rest...my love...rest and know you are cherished.
    xo

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  8. Jen,

    It is OK to let it all out and we are here listening...you have so much on your plate and handle it better than I ever could. I hope the infections go away and the pain subsides!

    annie

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  9. I'm very glad to hear that you've been able to control the pain. That's great! As far being honest and raw in your last post, well, isn't that sort of what this blog is for? Really, you should never apologize for it. We're here because we are drawn to the person you are, the story you have to tell, and your wonderful way of telling it. Be honest. It's part of what keeps us around.

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  10. Jen, I have been praying for the right words ever since reading your last post. But, I just don't have the right words to let you know what I am thinking. I pray every day for you to be without pain. Please continue to let hospice do everything they can to manage your pain. You should not have to suffer. I know you don't want your boys to see you suffer either.

    I send you love, and keep you close in my heart and prayers.

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  11. Jen, I can so identify w/ the pain issues and am SO GLAD you're doing better. The fear of the worst of the pain has sometimes made me so tense that I think it actually increased the difficulty I had in getting the whole thing under control.

    If people understood what an imposing complex topic it is - even doctors don't often really get it - well they would be a lot more understanding and helpful.

    Your writing about it in the moment was hard to read, but your strength and honesty shone through and I just had to tell you that.

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  12. Dearest Jen
    Sending you love and prayers and know that there are so many people out here that love you and care for you and your boys.
    Love coming your way - sending you extra prayers to bring you comfort and strength
    Nicky from Canada

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  13. Pain is so wearing! I am so glad it is under control now, Jen. continuing to send love and healing energy from NE Ohio.

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  14. loving you from a far...hoping and wishing and praying that you have someone there to comfort you...and cherish you...and love you...and listen to you....and make you giggle! and someone to wish upon a star...

    what is your wildest wish?

    have you ever watch patch adams? There was this one older lady who's wish was to swim in cooked spagetti....teehee...

    what is yours? xx

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  15. I know you only through reading your blog and yet, I feel such love and compassion for you. Your strength in the face of adversity inspires me. I will continue to pray that you are freed of pain and anxiety about the terrible pain you know of. My positive thoughts for your healing are sent into the universe and will reach you! Take care.

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  16. Jen, As always you are in my prayers.
    I think of you often and wish there was a way to make this damn cancer go away.
    Hugs & Prayers,
    Dodie

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  17. Hi Jen,

    The only crazy thing I can do besides pray for you is to let you write anything you want here and let it guide my prayers. You have this hideous pain, and this is your place to scream about it. Please use this freedom to say ANYthing you want, anyWAY you want, and then to come back and say anything ELSE you want the next time.

    If I were there I would do anything you asked me to; rub your feet, clean house, take Jack places, help him with his homework, just be available. But since that isn't possible, I'm asking God to send people to you who can do those things. And I'm asking God to make your load much lighter. He's helping you carry it, but I'm sure it doesn't seem like it sometimes. Keep talking to him; He adores you.

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  18. How are you doing sweet Jen.
    Lots of love and blessings.
    Nicky from Canada

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  19. Hi Jen, I've sending you my thoughts and prayers. You are one tough, incredible woman.

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  20. And we love you, Jen.

    All the best to you.

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  21. Hang in there sweet friend! I hope you feel the love and prayers that are being sent your way.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  22. My dear Jen ~ stay strong dear friend and don't worry ~ we all stop coping sometimes, I know that I do and god knows I am not dealing with as much as you are!
    You are never far from my thoughts and prayers.
    Sending you love and big hugs Tab XXX

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  23. Sending prayers up for you dear heart...
    xoxo Nita <3

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  24. Always praying and thinking of you sweetheart.
    Hope to hear from you soon.
    Love
    Bete
    <3

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  25. Thinking about you every day.
    Ruthie

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  26. Jen--read your e-mail from me!!! I'm hoping you haven't tried this medicine yet that sounds so promising!!!
    Hug and a Smootch!
    Kat

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  27. Jen, I am praying for you and thinking of you every day. i love you...where are you ? are you ok? please write soon. I hope you are alright....

    xoxo
    shelbi

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  28. Jen,
    I always get worried about you when you don't post for awhile.
    Hopefully the pain is in control and you are doing well.
    You are in my prayers daily.
    Hugs,
    Dodie

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  29. Happy Mother's Day, Jen! That's today's holiday here in the States. Wishing you a peaceful, painless and joyful day with your boys. I'm hoping you're doing well - just a little worried that you've not posted in a while.
    Sending love and light,
    Cate in California

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  30. Dear Jen, I hope you are managing the pain at the moment, have been thinking of you often. Wishing you a happy Mothers Day.:) x

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  31. Jen,
    I hope you had a Happy Mother's Day with your boys!
    Prayers & Hugs,
    Dodie

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  32. Hi Jen.

    Thinking of you today. Hoping you are feeling well and having a wonderful day with your boys.

    Happy Mother's Day!
    Emily in Colorado.

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  33. Happy Mother's Day Jen. I'm hoping that you have some quality pain-free time to spend with your precious boys. Hugs Lisa

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  34. Happy Mother's Day sweet friend! I hope this has been a good one for you with no pain or worries.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  35. Happy Mothers Day Jen...hope you have enjoyed your day with your children, and are PAIN-FREE.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Lisa in Florida

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  36. Hi Jen - I thought of you today, mother's day. I hope you were able to enjoy the day. You are indeed an inpirational mother.

    Love, Susie in New England

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  37. Happy Mother's Day Dear Jen. You are always in my thoughts and prayers!

    Kirsten in Oregon

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  38. Happy Mother's Day, Jen!

    Meredith

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  39. I hope you're alright Jen. I've been checking daily for an update. You know we love you and get a little worried once we reach the two week point of hearing from you...I hope it simply means you are feeling great and are out and about with the boys!! That is my prayer. Take care sweet one.
    vicki

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  40. Jen, you have been on my mind and heart SO much. I hope you had a wonderful Mothers day,i thought of you all day long. last night something a little weird happened, i awoke from a dead sleep and you were on my mind, i started praying really hard for you girl....i hope everything is ok. please let us know you are alright....i love you so!
    xoxo
    shelbi

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  41. i've been thinking about you daily too. praying for you and your children. i hope things are peaceful and pain is in check.

    cindy :)

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  42. How are you darling? Hope you had a good mother's day and hope you are well. In my thoughts and prayers.
    Nicky from Canada

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  43. Jen, Jen...I miss you. Please write soon. Have been praying and thinking of you and your boys!

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  44. Hi Jen - lots of prayers coming your way. Hugs too! Lisa L.

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  45. Hi there,

    David here, Jenni's ex. Not sure how update this and Jenni asked me not to as she was hoping to be home soon from hospice. She has been in there for about three weeks now and has not been well. She may be home for a couple of hours tonight or in the next few days. If she isn't, I will ask her for instructions on how to update this properly. If you get this message could you please spread the word to her friends on here to pray for her as she has been really struggling these last three or four weeks. Thanks, David.

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  46. Thanks for the update David. Please tell her she is in my prayers and give her my love. I'm so sorry to hear things are not going well. I pray there is a turn for the better very, very soon.

    Jen...if you come home and you can read this, I love you. Stay strong, keep fighting. I pray you aren't in pain dear friend.

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  47. Thank you David.

    I've been praying for Jenni more than usual because an absence this long is not normal for her. I'm praying for you too, because your life is affected. How is Jack doing?

    Jenni- I love you, dear sister. You have been fighting so hard. I'm asking God to take away your pain and heal you completely. I'm asking Him to make his presence around you very tangible. Thinking of you all day and night.

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  48. David - Please tell her that Alice Band, far away in Blighty is thinking of her and sending a tremendous amount of lovely, love her way. Take care of yourself too, we are all aware that this is far from a walk in the park for any of you xxx

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  49. Thank you, so much, for the update, David. Like everyone else I get more and more concerned about Jenni with each day that passes without a blog entry from her. We are all sending her prayers and well wishes and also to her boys and friends and family. Thank you for being there for her. This must be very difficult for you as well. God bless. xoxo Wendy McDonagh-Valentine in New York

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  50. Thank you for the update David.
    Please tell Jenni she is in my prayers and I love her dearly.
    Hugs to Jack.
    Hugs,
    Dodie

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  51. David, Thank you for the update. We are all concerned about her. thank you for being there for her and of course, for Jack. It must be of great comfort to Jenni to know that you are a loving father to Jack and that he is being taken care of.
    Ruthie from California

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  52. Just sending thoughts of...stars tingling in the sky...Jenni and Jack dancing on the moon...giggling and falling down out of breath from all the dancing...friends joining them (on the moon) for 'a picnic on the moon'...Jack gets very excited...there are some bunnies on the moon...teehee...making him giggle with joy!

    breaths...deep...letting go breaths....of pain....and hurt...struggling to exhale deeply...

    flickerings of....bunnies dancing on the moon...teehee....hope! always hope for dreams that still need to come true...

    love...open hearts...sad hearts....hearts praying everywhere for YOU...for comfort...painless nights...for content...for feelings of being ready for whatever it is you are facing right now...

    sending you 'knowing' (two bunnies bringing it over...tehee)...when and how and what you have to do right now...

    friends and hearts gathering around you with their arms supporting yours...and Jacks' and David and Jamie's...as you hold them close and tight...not wanting to let go...ever!

    friends loving you from afar...wishing we could be there right now to rub your feet...play with your hair...read stories to Jack maybe...tell him of the bunnies on the moon...dancing! teehee...

    but mostly...to just be with YOU.

    I love you Beautiful, courageous and brave one! xx

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  53. Thanks, David. You're a good man to be keeping Jen's family and friends informed. God love you and keep His arms around you and the family in these uncertain times. Much love and blessings to you and sweet Jack and Jamie. Hang in there.

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  54. Thank you David, Please let Jen know that I am praying, have been praying and will continue to pray.

    We LOVE her so!

    xoxo
    shelbi

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  56. Dear Jen,
    I have been checking everyday to see if you posted...and now I see David's update. Thank you David. I am thinking of you dear Jen and praying you are pain free...!
    annie

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  57. Sending you all love. Thankyou for updating us David ... hugs

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  58. Hi again everyone, David here again. Until further notice and Jenni comes home or tells me how to update her blog, you better just come here for news. Thanks for all your comments and love. Jack and I are dropping in on her tomorrow on the way back to her place so I will pass on your thoughts nd prayers and love. She came home for a couple of hours on friday night but didn't feel up to blogging. She had dinner with Jack and I and read to Jack in bed and I took her back to hospice after Jack was asleep.
    Will talk to Jenni again about telling me how to update this properly and will print off your comments to take into her.

    Thanks again,
    David.

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  59. Thank you for the update. Love you lots Jen! So glad you had dinner with Jack. I'm sending tons of prayers your way. Hugs sweetie! Lisa l.

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  60. Thank you David for the keeping us informed about Jenni. I was really concerned about not having news about her.
    Love to you all
    Bete

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  61. Praying for you, Jenni. I pray that you are able to come home and be with your precious children. We are all thankful that Jack is being well cared for while you are in hospice.
    Ruthie from California

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  62. Praying that everything is OK and you'll update soon.

    Carey from MI

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  63. Sending love and prayers to you Jen, I always worry when I don't hear for a while - thanks for letting us know David.

    Karen xxx

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  64. Love and blessings to you and your family Jen,

    Susie from RI

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  65. worried...please...it can't be the time...david??? how is she?

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  66. Hi there everyone,

    David here. Haven't seen Jenni since last night when Jack and I dropped in for an hour or so on the way back to Jack's place. Not sure what to say here, Jenni is supposedly coming home by the end of the week although there are still a lot of "ifs and buts". I'm hesitant to say much here as I don't really know what the situation is other than the Chemo (avatin) has caused some issues with her lungs and ahe could pass at any time if they don't rectify it. They are treating her and breaking down the problem (sorry, can't remember what they are called in her lungs. Embolisms maybe? Will tell you more when I know or Jenni can if/when she comes home) but it is all a little dicey. If they can break them down then she should still have some time left although no one is committing to how much. This is all very second hand and needs verification so until you hear from Jenni or I get filled in more and permission to officially blog just take this info as an approximate of the situation. Sorry I can't be more precise. Jack is doing well and enjoying tonight with his Grandma (my Mum), as I'm having a night off and tomorrow is Grandparents day at school and he's very excited to show her around. Jamie is enjoying his new part time job he has (and earning money to spend!) but has more understanding of the situation and is very worried but finds it hard to express his concern. He's been wanting to chat these last few night which is probably a good thing. Anyway, I have passed on all your best wishes and prayers and Jenni is hoping to get tot this later this week sometime.

    Regards,

    David

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  67. Thinking of you all and sending good vibes down yr way.

    Much love

    Carmel

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  68. Thank you David. Just continue to give her my love and tell her many, many people are in prayer for her.
    ~Vicki

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  69. Jen, you remain in our thoughts and prayers throughout all that you are facing these days. Peace to you, dear and beautiful woman. Strength. Love. Courage. We are all pulling and praying for you. You are being remembered daily.

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  70. Thank you David,
    Love to Jenni, lots of love
    Bete

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  71. Thanks so much, David! This whole situation cannot be easy for you as I'm sure her family and friends will rely on you (being the "ex") to manage stuff and be strong for the emotional rollercoaster everybody is on.

    You, in turn, must rely on God to get you and your precious family through this nightmare. He WANTS you to ask for His help and the strength only He can give in troubling times. It's a peace that passes all understanding in the midst of chaos and confusion.

    Hope to hear from you or our sweet Jen soon!

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  72. Thanks for the updates, David. Much love to Jenni.

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  73. Thank you again, David.
    Praying for the embolisms to be resolved.
    Stay strong, Jenni!
    Ruthie from California

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  74. Thanks for the update David, pretty worried for all of you. Stay strong Dear Jen.
    Love and blessings
    Nicky from Canada

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  75. Thank you for letting us know, David. Lots of love being sent to all of you right now.

    *hugs*
    Amanda (also from Canada)

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  76. Blessings, love and strength to you all.

    Jean from Oregon

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  77. Been kind of worried. Thank you, David, for updating.

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  78. just checked comments by chance and am like everyone else really concerned and wanting to send my love and prayers to you, Jen, and to David and your precious boys. Sending light and love from Imelda in Ireland

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  79. Jenni,
    I've been checking so much, every day and just found these updates in the comments. I hate that you are not well and hope you are not suffering too much. Please know I think of you every day and have been missing you, your words and your sweet friendship over the miles. My heart is reaching out to you and hoping to hear from you again soon. Peace and love, sweet girl...peace and love.
    Kathy in Minnesota

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  80. Thank you, David. Please tell Jen that I'm sending her a lot of love and care from Vermont. And to you and the boys, as well. You're all in my thoughts.

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  81. I'm glad to find out some news of Jenni's whereabouts. Thanks David. But my heart is saddened to hear that it's such rough going. Sending you much love, Jenni, as well as praying for you and your whole family.

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  82. a world of prayers, amazing that the words of one woman can bring so many together. thank you David for your updates, God bless all of you, and continuing to pray for healing and strength, Anne in Virginia

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  83. Jen,

    We love you so much here in this family you have gathered. Hoping you are resting well and getting stronger everyday. Praying for you and for your doctors and Jamie and Jack and for you, too, David.

    Peace to you.
    Emily in Colorado

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  84. Thank you so much, David, for letting us know how Jen is doing. We have all come to care so deeply.
    She is never far from my thoughts and prayers. May God give you all strength during these most difficult days. Debbie from Oregon

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  85. Davd, thank you.

    And virtual hugs all around. *sigh*

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  86. Thanks so much David, for the updates! I finally thought to check the comments... so appreciated!

    Sending love and good thoughts from Northern California and wishing you and the boys strength and peace and glimmers of joy these days. Hoping Jen pulls through soon and we get to "hear" her lovely self!
    xo,
    Cate

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  87. i have been worrying so much about Jen. Thanks for the update David! xx

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  88. David, would you be willing to send me your email address? I'm at njboothe@hughes.net.

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  89. Hi there again,

    David here. Thanks again for all your prayers and well wishes. I dropped in to her brefly on thursday night and passed them on to her. She seemed to be in reasonably good spirits.

    I'm sorry but I got the details of the problem in her lungs wrong. She has developed blood clots in her lungs (possibly as a result of the chemo - Avastin) The issue is if they move they could be disastrous if they reach her heart. Sh is in the Frankston Hospital waiting to see if they can put in something called an umbrella (I think) which acts as a filter. There are some other issues in getting some medication levels right regarding breaking down the clots. Nothing seems to be straight forward which is very frustrating for Jenni.

    I am taking Jack to see her tomorrow if she is up to it so will ask about how to update this properly (if she wants me to).

    Thanks again for your support for Jenni, she very much appreciates it as do we all.

    David.

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  90. Thanks again David. I'm glad to hear she is fighting and in good spirits. You don't need to apologize for the details...medical problems are a mass of questions and confusion even on the best of days.

    My heart is with you Jenni.

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  91. Thanks David,
    There is distant Reiki being sent to Jenni everyday and prayers too; there is a prayer group here in Portugal that is praying for her with love and care.
    Love to the boys and to you too and the entire family and friends.
    Bete

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  92. Good deal, David. We appreciate any information you have (accurate or not!). Hope all is ironed out soon--she's probably stir crazy being in the hospital!!! Our hearts and prayers go out to y'all everyday!

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  93. Dear Jen, I have been checking here every day, and I was so concerned. I am so thankful that it finally dawned on me to check the comments. Thank you to David for the updates.

    It sounds as if you have had a very bad time. I was so afraid of that. I pray daily for God to hold you in his arms, for your pain to cease and for you to be with your dear boys.

    Love to you.

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  94. Thanks for the update David, I appreciate it. Jen you are always in my thoughts, lets hope these clots get sorted quickly. Sending love and prayers as always, K xxx

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  95. Thank you for the update...tell Jen that I think of her everyday and continue to send prayers and love. Lisa L.

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  96. Been so worried, and like many others here, I finally thought to check the comments. Thank goodness for David and his willingness to keep us posted. Thank you. My heart goes out to all of you during this tough time. Kristen in California.

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  97. David...thanks so much for the updates; I have been checking the blog daily for a new post, and didn't realise you were updating in the comments till a friend advised me. Sending all my wishes to Jen...hugs and hugs and hugs, what a brave lovely lady she is.

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  98. Please send my love to Jen, Thank you for updated this, we all care so much for Jen and all of you.

    Susie from Rhode Island

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  99. Thanks Daivd for the updates - lots of love and extra prayers for dear sweet Jen - and all of you. Please help her to stay strong.
    God Bless
    Nicky From Canada

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  100. David

    Please tell Jen I'm praying for her!

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  101. Thank you so much David. Jen is daily in our prayers here in California...I miss her so and pray that these clots are dissolved. Please give her a huge hug for me.

    I love you jenny,
    xoxoxo
    Shelbi

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