Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Back In Hospice...

Hello my beloved friends. I am in such a hurry to lay your worries to rest that my fingers are stumbling all over themselves in their haste to try and type these words to you! I unexpectedly found myself returning to Hospice to seek an end to such strong pain that I barely know how to describe it. As most of you would know I have been struggling with the return of pretty strong pain for the past few days after a period of approximately 10 days without a pang. Go figure! I have absolutely no idea why the pain suddenly disappeared just as I have no idea why it suddenly returned but return it did and with a vengeance (hmmmn, good name for post!) I made it to chemo last week and believe me that was difficult enough because the pain hadn't really let up for several days but I knew that if anything was going to fix this long term it was the chemo, so dragged myself up there and lay surrounded by heat pillows and doped up on medicine letting tumor killing toxins into veins. Finally time to go home so off I go. That night woken as usual by pain but this time is worse. Stays terribly, agonizing in spite of heat pillows, in spite of huge amounts of medicine, in spite of tearful prayers, in spite of every damn thing. Tell myself that after Jack goes to school in morning, must go to Hospice and get pain managed. First have to find out whether there is a bed for me at Hospice. Not usually one there when you just ring up out of the blue but I was in luck, there was a bed and I could have it, so I didn't wait for second invitation, phoned Mum and asked her to hurry and take Jack to school then come back for me and take me to hospice. In the meantime, Jamie got Jack ready for school and threw a few things into a bag for me.

Finally at hospice, wheelchair waiting for me and strong drugs ready to be injected and more in half hours time! Wonderful, wonderful place! Stayed one night, had worries leaving Jack as still at school and don't have many options for people to look after him. So go home and that night pain breaks through strong medicine am hooked up to, so I wake Jamie up and tell him that I must go back to Hospice, will get cab and Jack can stay home tomorrow, last day of school anyway, will sort out rest from Hospice. Thank God for good, helpful boy like Jamie. Have hellish ride through town in cab, so much pain and agony but kind people waiting for me with good strong top up drugs and am soon comfortable. In morning I phone Dave who is school teacher so is finishing up for school holidays today! Hooray, time to hand over reins. He comes down and and I stay in hospice being looked after for several days. Finally it seems pain under control so am able to come home but scared as have enjoyed being taken care of and think this is what I need for quite some time but don't want to lose Jack.

Am in Heaven because no pain. None. At. All. Wait though, there is a price, I am hooked up to a 'driver'. It is a machine run by battery that pushes the medicine into my body. I have to carry it on my person by means of a bag that I hang around my neck. Small price to pay at this stage of the game. So lovely to not have pain. Other problem is that tumor has changed somehow. Not sure how but sure that is has because it is now pushing on bladder and cannot stop weeing! Probably too much information but this is true life account so what the hell. Anyway, not good but am coping for the moment. Try not to think about what I have lost so far since cancer started. Too depressing. Doesn't do any good. So keep moving on. In terms of good things, there are plenty. I have best friends girl could ever have. I have lovely, wonderful, carers. I have many, many blessings and am actually quite happy in spite of all this trial and tribulation. Only dark cloud is leaving boys and their pain. Try not to think about that too often as it is too horrible. Anyway am back at home and pain free for now. Will keep you updated with any news, thank you for caring.


  1. Dear Jen,

    So glad you are out of pain now...thinking of you and your amazing strength!


  2. I am glad you got relief. So glad...

    So sorry for your pain. Deep caring thoughts coming your way...

  3. Jenni,
    We all really do care about you and wish that you are able to live out the rest of your days pain-free, whatever the trade off. The pain will just make you crazy. I am thankful for your lovely caregivers, too and that there are people to be physically present with you at this time. Praying for you.
    Ruthie from California

  4. LOVE to you darling Jen. I've been worring about something, just felt, thought about the pain. Prayers to you and lots of love.

  5. So glad you are painfree again! Hope it lasts and you can have more quality time with your boys.

    Always thinking of you,

    Cindy in Canada

  6. Oh I am thrilled that you found some relief. I am in awe of how strong you are .... always! Hugs Jen

  7. Dear Jen, was glad to see a post from you but devastated to hear of the return of the pain. Such a relief for you that it is now under control.As always you still have a positive outlook! I think of you often and send you much love. Suzanne:)

  8. Jen, so happy to see a new post. I am so sorry for all the pain you have to endure. You are fighting that damn cancer... with a vengence... Like only a mother's love could!! Your guys know this. They love & admire (like all of us do) your strength & courage. They might not be able to put their emotions into words but I'm sure they are so proud of you.

    Thoughts daily,

    Nancy in Illinois

  9. dear everyone here, I panic when I dont see you on here for a while :( so terribly sorry that you are suffering so badly...I am praying for you that might have relief and are able to be present for your dear boys...

    you are such a strong woman...I so wish we could sit and share :)

    much love...

    Sue in Spokane

  10. Dear Jen,

    I am glad you are feeling some relief and lots of support.

    Love and prayers for you,

  11. Dearest Jen - I am pleased that you made the decision to go to Hospice. You can't manage that type of pain on your own and a pump is a small trade-off if it is giving you relief. Your boys are pretty special - but then you know that anyway. Day at a time hun.
    Love and hugs
    K xx

  12. all my love to you jen.
    just a lot of love.

  13. Dear Jen,

    Thanks for the update... I am so sorry you are having to fight this battle and hope the pain relents soon. Know that you are surrounded by lots of love and prayers today...


  14. Dear Jen,

    You are an amazing woman to be able to see and count your blessings through your pain and suffering. I pray the pump keeps up the good work.

    Love and hugs,

  15. Thinking of you Jen, and sending white light and love from the Rocky Mountains (usa). You are such a strong woman and you know that your boys are strong too. They have inherited your great strength and wisdom. I am glad you have found some pain relief. We all love you and are praying for your well being and that of your dear sons!

  16. I was sitting here this morning moping because my Jack (he's 2) was up all night and I was soooo tired. Boo hoo, poor me. Why does he have to do this, etc etc. Then I read your post, and man oh man... You are so strong. I need to just shut up and learn a thing or two. You really do have so much to give, and I hope that you're also getting something from all the sharing you do.

    Much love from Ottawa, Canada. I check in from time to time to see how you're doing. You're always a bright beacon to me, reminding me of how amazing us humans really can be. Hang in there, Jen. *hugs*

  17. Glad to hear from you Dear Jan. Glad you have some relief from the pain and thankful you have Jaime to help you with Jack. You are doing amazing, keep counting your blessings and love those boys lots!! They will keep giving you the strength you need.
    Much love, hugs & prayers
    Nicky from Canada

  18. Oh you sweet dear. I'm SO happy that you are once again pain free! Blessings my dear, hang in there you are so strong!!!!!

  19. I am glad you have found some relief for your pain. I too was worrying with so long between posts. Hopefully the chemo will do its job and give you some relief from the tumor.

    Hugs and prayers,


  20. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

  21. Thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers your way.

  22. I am glad to hear from you Jen and that the pain is finally gone. The way you listed your blessings was truly inspiring to me. Love to you and the boys. susie

  23. more good thoughts and positive energy.And lots of love from NE OHio

  24. Oh dear Jen, I was so glad to see this update but sad to know now that you've been in such pain -- but then so glad to know that you are managing that pain now with meds. What amazes me throughout all these months and months of following your blog is your awesome upbeat attitude. You are showing us all how to live life to the fullest, and with the best attitude -- by your example. I thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart. YOU, my friend, have left a beautiful impression on this world -- more so than most who live double your age.

    Lisa in Florida

  25. there are wonderful people in this world, you are right. so glad the pain is a bit better. you are one strong woman. if you so choose, you can paint or put stickers on that bag around your neck, would that help. my daughters puts stickers everywhere to make it pretty. i have a hello kitty one on my cell.

  26. Jeeze, how much more can a mortal woman endure? Why aren't we ruling the world for f*ck's sake?? Thinking of you and wish I could carry you rbag around for you for a while. Feel the love dear Jen xxx