Wednesday, 25 February 2009

An Update...

Hi my darlings, I know it's been a while (again). I guess I have come to a point in my life where there is so little happening each day apart from me trying to control this terrible pain I am in that when I sit down to blog, I find myself uninspired and concerned about boring you all to tears! Still, I know I am so very lucky to have folks out there that love and care about me and to not blog at all seems mean. So bear with me if my posts are a bit ho hum, I've decided to blog anyway but I am going through a rough time pain wise and therefore I am not feeling great and being in a lot of pain does affect who you are, it affects your personality. I am naturally an optimist and a happy, cheerful person but this pain certainly changes that, I find myself fairly quiet, a bit down, and a bit negative about the future. I know that is not who I really am and I remind myself of that a lot but it is scary how being in a lot of pain for a long while changes you.

I don't know if you remember but I had promised myself a gift to start the year off and that was a stay at a retreat that was especially for people with cancer. The one I wanted to do goes for 10 days and you learn wonderful ways to help yourself heal including cooking, meditation and massage, all sorts of lovely things. The guy who runs it is a survivor of cancer himself, and I do mean survivor, he was riddled with it to the stage they wanted to cut his leg off, he didn't let them however and he and his wife, who dedicated herself entirely to curing him, fought like hell and found out about meditation, wholesome foods etc and he is still alive today and has been running this retreat for many years! It is a very inspiring story. Anyway, his retreat is where I had my heart set on going but, I can't go, not right now, I need to get a handle on this pain because the day starts at 7.30am there with all different classes going on throughout the day until about 9pm at night. When I have the pain that I get, it stops me in my tracks, there would be no way I could join in, I would have to stay in my room with heat pillows and medications for approximately 4 hours which is how long the pain goes for before it stops. So I am very disappointed about this but I can go in the future, hopefully after a few more chemo sessions and some radiotherapy I will have a window of time where I am well enough to go, so I've put it on hold but not dismissed it forever at all, I am still so very keen to go there, I think it will do wonders for me.

While I am writing to you all, I might as well tell you how I've been feeling in regards to losing my independence. First let me just say that I am so very thankful for all the help my mum's been giving, I mean she has been really doing a lot. She phones me every morning and keeps phoning until I answer so that I am awake to get Jack ready for school and to see whether I am up to it or not and if not, she will come and do it but I like to get him ready if I can. Then she comes and picks him up and drives him to school for me. She then goes to work from 10am till 3pm. She then comes here after work so that when Jack gets home she's here in case I am asleep (I sleep so deeply that is very difficult to wake me). She then does some housework for me and then prepares dinner for us. Then cleans up after dinner and leaves. So she does such a lot and I am so very grateful and thankful as you could imagine. However, I must admit that I do feel a loss of responsibility! I know it is crazy because I actually need all the help I can get but I guess I just wish so much that I could do the things for my family that they need. I hate that I can't take Jack to school in the morning and see him off, remind him to hand in notices, wave to him until I am out of sight, just little things but they mean a lot. I hate not being there to pick him up, to talk to the other mum's and build relationships and get to know who his friends are and what their families are like, those things matter as I know how peer pressure plays a huge part in a child's life. I want to be able to guide him and know who these people are. I hate that I don't get to take him to swimming and watch him and then bring him home again. I hate that I don't get to have my home the way I want to have it, that drives me crazy, I just feel as though other people don't see things like I do. Anyway, it's not that I'm ungrateful, it's that I'm pissed at the world because I can't do the things I want to do. Well, I've got that off my chest, I hope you don't think I'm selfish because I don't mean to be, I just feel this sense of loss and displacement, I will work it all out in time I know but just now I feel a bit lost.

Well that's it for now but I am going to make a concerted effort to blog a little more often, even if it's just a few lines. Take care and thanks so much for reading.

22 comments:

  1. We're pulling for you here Jen. Do what you need to do, do what you can do. The rest will take care of itself. Love.

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  2. Dearest Jen - has your pain specialist been able to come up with anything more to help? I have been talking to a friend of mine regarding acupunture to relieve the pain - I'll let you know more when I do. It is very difficult to lose that independence and you have every right to be pissed off - I sure would be! love and hugs K xx

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  3. Jen- just blog to vent, to purge, to scream to get it all out. Many of us who never comment come to see that you are okay. We don't come to see if you are upbeat or in a good mood. We don't expect you to entertain us at all. We know how serious things are- you don't have to sugar coat it for us. Let us be her for YOU.
    Dee in Az

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  4. Dear old Jen,
    As Anonymous said - we don't check up on your blog for a bit of entertainment - my word what a lot of sickos we'd be eh?
    I am very glad to hear that your mother is looking after you so well, but when you said you sleep so deeply it is sometimes hard to wake you my blood ran cold, becdasue there must be times when your mum sees you like that, that she catches her breath and checks to see if you are still breathing.. The strain of wacthing your child suffer like that must be truly unbearable.
    And as for you darling girl, stuck there not being able to do the job that you only want to do, that is, be a normal mum to Jack, must be very frustrating and make you very sad. Thing is Jen, God alone knows what 'normal' is these days, so don't beat yourself up about it. Your other and Jack at least are building a strong bond. Thinking of you, much love xxx

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  5. so sorry about it all, i can only imagine how hard it is and yet you continue to blog and inspire us all....there are many out here rooting for you and sending lots of love your way

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  6. Glad to see you back. I'm also very happy your Mum is being such a good help to you. It's very difficult to humble yourself and allow others to help you. I pray for you all the time and hope your pain management specialist comes up with something that helps you better. God bless ~ Wendy McDonagh-Valentine

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  7. Happy to hear from you. :) You're in my thoughts always. Kristen in Roseville, CA

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  8. dearest Jen...always praying for that miracle for you xo

    Sue in Spokane

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  9. Give your mom (and yourself) a Big Hug and a Smootch!!! Even though you do things a bit different, what a blessing to have your mom's help and support. Jack is going to have to rely on her one day too, so let them share the time together now, so he'll know she's there for him no matter what.

    Sorry you're feeling so down and hurting all the time. Give those burdens to Jesus--he knows you, Jen.

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  10. You selfish? No way. Of COURSE you'd feel it should be YOU doing those things like preparing meals and cleaning the house and taking care of your family. It should be you doing those things but that darn cancer got in the way :( I wish you peace Jen. Peace that transends all that pain and frustration and wishful thinking. Peace that allows you to feel well and live your life as you deserve to live it.
    Sending lots and lots of prayers and good thoughts your way Jen. As the comment above mine says, give your burdens to Jesus -- He can handle the load, I promise!
    Better days ahead girlfriend, better days indeed.
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{big hugs to you!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Lisa in Florida

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  11. Jen,
    Thanks for posting an update - even if it's just a "hey there, having tea" kind of post, it's good to see. Really happy your mum is helping out so much - that's terrific of her! I'm sure Jack loves it, too... and when you're feeling better, you can take back your responsibilities. Your job now is to mend!

    Hope the pain gets better - anything else they can try? Thinking after the chemo/radia it'll be better.

    Thinking of you often...
    Cate in Cal

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  12. nice to hear from you Jen! There is a giant snowstorm here in New England and we are just hunkering down, thus I am getting caught up with the blogs I follow...Sending you love and blessings - Susie

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  13. I saw your update the day you posted, but I have been so busy that I haven't been able to come back to comment.

    You are doing such a great job being everything you should. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    I hope you will be well enough to go on the retreat soon. I know it would mean so much to you.

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  14. Hi Jen

    I'm so glad to see you've posted. I'm keeping you in my prayers sweet friend.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  15. Dear Jen
    So nice to hear from you - so sorry to hear that your pain is not good, happy to hear your mom is helping you with Jack.
    Wow - that retreat sounds awesome!!! Keep working toward that - I think you would enjoy it so so much.
    Love, hugs and prayers every day.
    Nicky from Canada

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  16. Jean sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself. I know you must be frustrated, but take the time to take care of you and your body. You are such a wonderful mother and Jack knows that. I am so happy that mum is there to lend a hand...I will keep you in my prayers dear.
    Hugs,
    Rose

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  17. Jen,

    Sorry about the typo, I accidentally typed "Jean".
    Rose

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  18. Oh Honey we would never find your blog boring!
    I'm so sorry you are having so much pain, I hope that gets better for you soon.

    You are in my prayers Jen and I think of you daily.

    Hugs,
    Dodie

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  19. Dear Jen,

    Hoping your pain subsides....and thinking of you!

    Sending you a hug!

    annie

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  20. Hello Jen -- just dropping a line to let you know I'm thinking of you and praying for you each and every day. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Lisa in Florida

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