Saturday, 7 February 2009

That Is Love...

Well... it's certainly taken a while for me to get over the entire hospital saga I can tell you! It's been two weeks now and I am almost feeling okay again. It really gave me a scare but I am a very lucky person as it could have been so much worse for me. I am not completely out of the woods yet, I do have a lot of scar tissue in my pelvic and stomach area and my bowel possibly got twisted around that and could do so again (don't ask me how I can take it again), however no point panicking or getting stressed out about it, it may not happen again so I am just taking it one day at a time.

I went to see my Pain Specialist last Thursday and told him about me falling over so often (I just had a thought that I don't think I've shared with you how I have been falling asleep or blacking out quite often lately?), well, anyway, I have actually been hurting myself. The other night, for example, I went into the laundry to pull some washing out of the machine, next thing I know I am waking up on the floor. I don't remember falling, I don't know what happened and when I got up and looked at the time, an hour had passed! Anyway, that was an unusual one, I usually do it when I'm tired and I'm sitting at my computer and I'll fall off my chair, that sort of thing. So I told my Doctor about this and he got me to stand up very straight and tall and close my eyes, I could not believe it when I fell forward virtually straight away. The first thing we have been trying is to lower the amount of pain medication I am on as it is a LOT. It's not working though, I have been struggling along in pain all weekend. Tonight (Sunday night here) I haven't even slept as I have been in pain all night, it is 4.30am as I type this post. So, I don't think that's the answer. His next plan is possibly an MRI and he has a Neurologist friend whom he is going to discuss my symptoms with, he said he is very busy and has a waiting list a mile long but he makes allowances depending on the severity of the case. So meanwhile I am enjoying the times when I am pain free with a greater depth than before, the smallest things make me happy and if I can just find a way to control the pain, to keep out of hospital, then I am a happy woman.

Mum has been a great support and strength. She has been phoning me every morning to make sure I wake up in order to get Jack ready for school. Then she comes and picks him up and drives him to school. Her job starts at 10am and finishes at 3pm but she's been going in at 9am just so she can take Jack to school for me. Everything was going along really well until Thursday morning! Jack was very tired, he'd fallen asleep really late for a few nights, he was not used to being back at school after having 5 weeks off and also the heat wave we've been having didn't help, so he put on a turn for want of a better word. He did not want to go to school, he wasn't feeling well, oh everything and anything he could think of to get out of going. In actual fact it was because he wanted to stay home and play a game on the playstation and he was so overtired that he wasn't being rational, anyway Mum started dragging him to the car, oh it was horrible, he was sobbing and I really wanted Mum to stop it but on the other hand I knew that he had to go to school and if he got his own way this early in the peace, then I was going to have huge problems on my hands. Anyway she got him into the front seat of her car and got the seat belt on him. I was in my pajamas when he reached out to me crying hysterically 'don't let her take me mummy, don't let her take me' so I jumped in the back seat right behind Jack, in my pajamas mind, and tried to soothe him somewhat. By the time we got to school he had stopped as I had pointed out that he may prefer his class mates didn't see him like this! Well he didn't like the thought of that so he did try very hard to stop crying and he managed it by the time we arrived at school (interestingly). So, we had arrived at school but as Jack went to get out of the car, tears were threatening to fall again so I decided that I just couldn't take another performance like earlier so I would walk him in. Yes, in my pajamas!!! That, my friends, is LOVE. The other mothers were staring at me, not only was I in pajamas but they weren't my nice Peter Alexander ones, oh no, just some daggy flannelet, grotty night shirt and my hair was in a ratty ponytail left in from the day before and slept on the night before so I am sure you can well imagine the state of me and I didn't even have my sunglasses to hide behind. Anyway, I finally got to the classroom and you wouldn't believe it but they weren't there! I then had to walk around the entire outside of the school in order to get to the office so I could enquire as to where Jack's class might be, the woman in the office said they should be in the classroom, they didn't have any specialist classes on that morning. Great, back to the classroom I go only to spot them mingled in with another class of children singing and having a lovely time. Jack's teacher saw us standing very uncomfortably on the outskirts of the classroom and came over to us thankfully. I quickly explained the situation to her and she spoke to Jack who had stopped crying and was looking mildly interested in what she was telling him which was all about what they were going to be doing that day. She got him to go and hang his bag up and came back to speak with me, by now the tears had started with me, I just felt really conflicted and drained (not to mention humiliated standing there in ugly pj's...). She was very kind and understanding and said that she would call if she thought he was to tired to cope which made me feel somewhat better, enough that I was able to hold back the tears and go and kiss Jack goodbye. He said to me 'I still don't want to go', I just said 'I know but you are here now and the rest of the day is going to be good fun so you may as well just enjoy it, you've only got one day until the weekend.' He let me go reluctantly and I walked back through the school to the car and went home - feeling like crap!!! I bet he got over it quicker than I did!

So, the things you do for love, huh! I will now be known as the crazy woman who comes to school in her pajamas. You know what though, I'd probably walk through that school completely naked if it helped Jack in anyway, thankfully I can't see how on earth it ever would so that is a blessing.

I want to thank you all so very much for your responses to my last (extremely lengthy) post. I really don't know how it's happened but I have the nicest, most special people coming here to this blog and leaving behind love and wisdom and understanding and compassion. I am just so very lucky, once again you have lifted me up and out of misery and touched me with something beautiful. Your responses are genuine and thoughtful about my mother and you are 100 per cent correct. She must be afraid and worried that I'll think my friends are doing a better job of taking care of me.


  1. These posts of yours echo so many truths about love and motherhood and I thank you for that. See? This place is a gift, not only to you, but to us as well.
    I'm so glad you're doing better. Be careful. Rest. Take care.

  2. What a joy it is to see a post from you! You had us a bit worried, you know. And you might also have the wrong idea about the knotty ponytail you were donning: that can be pretty damned funky (and in a good way)!

    Be well and keep smiling, sweetheart!

  3. Good to hear from you, Jen - glad you're doing better and I hope they figure out why you're passing out... that's a little scary for you, I'll bet.
    Love that you went to Jack's school in your jammies... I know that kind of love too - for our children we'll do the craziest things - and it's those things they'll cherish and remember.

    Take good care and keep up the good work!
    Cate in California

  4. Hi Jen, well happy to see you back and posting...I really have been worried about you. Ha, what we do for our kids, I can totally comprehend...Jack is so darn lucky to have you. Your mom has been great, I hope you let her know that.

  5. Jen, I'm sorry Jack had a bad morning, but I have to tell you that the thought of you jumping out of the car and walking through the school with him made me giggle. Girl, you certainly made a memory. ;-)

    Take care.

  6. Jen,
    It's so good to see you post!
    I hope they can find out why you are passing out.
    I laughed so much as I read about you going to Jack's school in your PJ's. I live in my flannel PJ's, so I can really laugh about you
    going to school like that.

  7. oh jen. So glad to hear from you. I don't expect that you will update as often since you've been going through so much, but I was really worried when the two week mark came and went! I hope the drs. get your blacking out spells under control...that isn't good at all. Take care of yourself. I hope things get better for you, and continue to take it one day at a time. Sending love and prayers.

  8. Dear Jen
    Love the pajamas - wish I could wear them everyday. Don't they just pull at your heartstrings - we have many moments like that with our youngest, Brody who is 7 and Autistic - so we have meltdowns, especially when tired and he just doesn't want to do something. They definitely have decreased, but there have been days I have carried him on the school bus, in his pj's kicking and screaming because I know the importance of him going to school, I cry all the way to work after that and find out what an amazing day he has had at school that day - and it still breaks my heart. Love them so very very much.
    Glad to hear that you are feeling better and recovering, worried about the black outs but glad that the doc is working with you - hope you don't have to wait long to get into the specialist!!
    So very nice to hear from you!!!
    Love, hugs & lots of prayers your way.
    Nicky from Canada

  9. I'm so glad you are doing better, Jen. I was getting so worried about you! You are absolutely correct about the things we do for the love of our children! I'm sure Jack appreciated it and will think of it quite lovingly for many years to come. You have an awesome way of expressing what it going on... it's just like I'm hearing you tell me the story instead of reading it! I check for a post almost everyday. You are blessed to have such a loving heart. I pray that you will have a miracle from God!

    Ohio, USA

  10. Haha, Jen, you made me laugh. I wish I could draw cartoon style, b/c I'd love to make one of you at school in your pjs with all the kiddos looking up at you trying to make sense of the crazy lady! Maybe someone else can.

    I'm sure Jack will always remember that day. You did good.

    luvya, nancy

  11. Thanks for checking in, Jen, ugly ol' PJ's and all. You were most likely an inspiration to everyone at the school and I'll bet you folks there paid more attention to the children after seeing your efforts to care for your son. Bravo, Dear Lady!!!

  12. Good to hear from you sweetheart. You're a sweet mother, always. It's so comfortable to come here and read what you write and most important is to know you're doing better.
    Take care my friend. Always thinking of you.
    (I close my reiki blog; now it's only in portuguese)

  13. Go Jen! We do crazy things where our kids are concerned - but the best thing is that you didn't give in and Jack went to school. And probably had a really good day. Next time he wants to throw a wobbly about school he might think twice about it. And when he gets older - laugh about it.
    Hoping you get some answers from the Neurologist before you do hurt yourself. Talk soon.
    Karen xxx

  14. Hang in there dearest Jen and keep writing....I worry so much when we don't hear from you...what a good mummy you are :*)''

    much love....Sue in Spokane

  15. I went braless in my jammie top this morning to drop off my four year old at school. Black work out pants and bright pink wellies. Oh wow, did I look the hot Mamma!!!!!
    It is Winter and I did have a disgusting mac on over said top and I was holding a new Golden Retriever puppy, so I didn't exactly get away unseen.. Ah well xxx

  16. Well We all know you are brave but Going into the school in your mangy Pj's! That's above and beyond brave!LOL

    I am curious if the school knows of Jack's and your situation? Sometimes keeping them informed can help them spot and understand why the children are acting in different ways.

    All the best.

  17. Dearest Jen-
    The craziest of things come from the greatest love. I love the image of you traipsing around in your jammies, though while it may have caused you embarrasment it says to me how tremendously huge your heart is and how great your love is--and that is what I love about you. THe world needs more of this.
    love to you my darling one

  18. Your love for Jack is so beautiful and complete.

  19. What a mum - good on you!!! I hope you get good pain relief without the blackouts soon.

  20. Your strength and ability to find reasons to give thanks and to be positive are so very inspiring. may your pain-free days increase, dear Jen. And may your time with Jack continue to bring you joy and laughter and enjoyment. You are a brave and strong woman. May all the strength you need be given at just the moment you need it.

    peace to you, Gail

  21. I hope you haven't had any more blackouts, or tantrums from Jack. It must be difficult for your mother coming over to help by driving him to school, and then having him behaving like that.

    Good to hear you're feeling better.

  22. Great to hear from you again Jen ~ thank you for the update.
    I hope that you are still feeling ok.
    Take care dear friend,
    love and big hugs Tabitha XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  23. Thinking of you and praying for all of my online Aussie friends. Hope you and your loved ones are safe.

  24. What parents do for their kids! If you want a good laugh, read this post about my dad running outside in his underwear one night: :)

  25. Somtimes you just gotta laugh...your pj's story is hilarious!!! (Well you can laugh NOW, anyway!) You know his teachers were probably thinking, "Bless her heart, she must be having a bad day." That truly is, true love. Good thing you didn't run into an old boyfriend while you were at it!!! Have a great rest of the week. Hope they can pinpoint a reason for your blackouts. Until then, wear Jack's bike helmet (and your pj's)! ha. hug & a smootch!

  26. What a great mom story! How many times did I threaten to send my boy off to school in his pajama's when he wouldn't cooperate, I'd tell him to just ask his sister, and that always worked because she left earlier than he did as she was 7 years older. So now, you can just tell him you will drive him to school in your pj's. Again! They always do have a better day after they get going. Good job mom, Anne in Virginia

  27. Dearest Jen, As I was reading this post all I could think of was "WAY TO GO JEN, WAY TO GO!!!" Jack will be fine. Any child who has a mommy who goes into school with old flannel pajamas, without any regard for what they will look like but rather, all regard for their own childs well-being -- is an AWESOME MOM, indeed!

    You never cease to amaze me Jen. Thank you for sharing your days with us, you're quite an inspiration. Sending you warm wishes and hugs from South Florida.

  28. That is so sweet about walking your son to his class in your jammies. Bless your heart. Do hope that you do not hurt yourself badly during those darn blackouts.
    Big hug ~