Sunday, 11 January 2009

Catching Up...

Well Jamie's birthday celebrations went beautifully, it was wonderful to be a part of and to see the happiness on his face. Mum did a great job and I tried especially hard not to feel - oh I can't think of the right word but I mean I just didn't want to feel unhappy because I couldn't do it or envious that I couldn't do it for my son, you know what I mean? I feel ashamed really, to even acknowledge that because it was just so damn wonderful of mum to do it for Jamie and it saved me just so much work, in fact I couldn't have done it myself anyway so it really is silly of me to feel even slightly sad but as I type that I just realized that, in fact, it is probably quite normal too. Naturally I would feel I wanted to do it for my son but, knowing I couldn't, I stepped aside but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Okay, glad I got that sorted in my mind!!! lol!

In other news that has left me reeling, David has had a complete about face on wanting us to come and live in Warragul. All I know is this; he went home for about four days after Christmas, he came back and was very evasive when I talked about coming up to Warragul to live. When I actually tried to pin him down and discuss it he became extremely defensive and proceeded to tell me that I was not his responsibility, asked me what happens if I need something or someone, why should he or his family step up and look after me when I have my own family and it is their job? He is happy to take care of Jack but that means taking him, not me and he is quite willing to do that! At which point I lost the plot and yelled at him and it turned into a full blown argument. I told him to pack his things and get out (he was leaving the next morning anyway folks and not coming back for one entire week) so he did and neither Jack nor I have heard from him since, until yesterday when I got an email from him asking when he could have Jack come and stay. Jack doesn't want to go and stay so I sent that answer back, he then asked when he could come and visit with Jack, I told him Tuesday as I have to go to chemo anyway to which I am awaiting an answer. In the meantime I have also sent him a long email telling him what I think and how hurt I am and how this is so wrong for Jack and that I cannot believe this about face. I also had to thank him for the months of being here and taking such good care of Jack and I, I just felt that I couldn't let this horrid behaviour erase the good he has done so I thanked him and have not heard anything back and truly don't expect too. This will be swept under the rug by him and I am stuck in such a very difficult position because Jack is the one who is going to get hurt through this and I can't allow that to happen so I am going to have to pretend that everything is fine with his daddy and I and blah blah on it goes, the usual case scenario that we single mothers do for our children.

I have been absolutely shattered by this my friends, I haven't been able to write about it until now. I honestly don't even know how to express what this has done to me. He has effectively swept the rug out from under me and left me so very vulnerable. He has since assured me he won't take Jack from me but the problem is this, what if I get sicker and I can't take care of Jack, of course he's going to take him, he will have to, Jack will need looking after and no one else can do what his dad can for him. I am terrified but just have to get well and fight like hell to hang in there and take good care of Jack although truth be told, since David has left things have gone down hill rapidly. Mum is going to step in next week though and she will be coming here every night after work and cooking meals, helping get Jack settled for the night and just doing what she can. When school goes back in a couple of weeks she is going to come in the mornings as well and get him up and ready for school and take him to school. We are then going to organize some of the mums from school to drop him home to me and mum will arrive about half an hour after Jack gets in to start helping. This is so good of her and she offered it quite a long time ago when she made it very clear that she didn't want me to go to Warragul. She was not thinking about Jack (as usual) and whilst I was grateful to her I didn't want to accept her offer. She is woeful with Jack, just terrible, and it upsets me so much that I can't relax when she's in charge because I have to listen and step in all the time, so whilst I am so grateful to her I am extremely nervous about it and have just decided I have to leave it, there is nothing more I can do, perhaps this is how it is all meant to play out. Perhaps I was never meant to move to Warragul, perhaps Jack and my mother need this time to bond, who knows, I certainly don't. All I do know is that I am once again living without any security whatsoever and I have no idea what the future will bring. Not my favourite position to be in.

Now in fantastic news, and I probably should have written this first up but anyway, I got my CT Scan results on Friday and in just two treatments of Avastin and chemotherapy all my tumours have shrunk. The messy huge one in my pelvis and the ones in my lungs are now even smaller. This is just brilliant, I can't tell you how wonderful this news is, well I am sure you know, lol. It means that the Avastin is working - at $3,500 a pop so it should!!!!! but it is and that makes putting up with all the side effects so much more worth it. It also means I am gaining time, which is just so important at my stage of cancer. The more time I am here for the more chance of a trial drug that can help me and the more time I have with Jack and Jamie and that gives me more time to sort out what is going to happen. So I am a very, very blessed woman right now and I so needed that lift what with all the crap from David going on, that sort of paled into insignificance once I got this news. I am just so happy I felt as though I was walking on air. Anyway my darlings, I just know you will join in my joy and happiness and I am so glad I can share this type of news with you who have loved me and supported me through all the bad stuff, it is so nice to share the good stuff.

31 comments:

  1. Wow. I am really shocked and saddened by the news about david. I can only say, dear Jen, that this must be for a reason. You are such a smart woman and I know you will work through this and keep doing what is right for you and your dear son. Praying for you and your family.

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  2. Dear Jen
    So happy to hear about the tumor's - that is amazing - and deserving - more time with your boys - the most important thing on your list!! Glad to hear that your mom is going to be helping you more, as much as us mother - daughter relationships have their moments (I know mine does) I hope she follows through for you in all that you have been through and need. So glad she helped you with Jamie's party, don't worry about it - great that she could do it for - that is most important - just think how it would have felt if she hadn't helped out!!! You will have to post pictures and let us know what you did for his birthday - 21 is such a special day!!

    Very upset about David, very sad that he would give you that hope and then take it away from you. I really thought that he was coming through for you and Jack, and in the end it truly is his lose!!! It will make it harder on Jack later on and that is the toughest part. I guess you must be thankful for what he has done so far, but still such a shame.

    God Bless Jen to you and your boys. Such great news on the cancer!!
    Nicky from Canada

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  3. Dear, sweet Jen. This news about David certainly does put a big stick in your plans. I just don't understand. I did feel like it would be good for Jack for you to move, but I was concerned about you having to change caregivers. Maybe David is overcome with fear about the future. Maybe things will change again.

    This is definitely a time that God is telling you something. I truly believe that when one door closes, another opens. You must try very hard to listen to what God has planned for you and your family.

    I will be praying even harder for you. We all love you.

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  4. Such awesome news about the shrinkage! yeah!
    It is awful that David has done this. It just is not right. Regardless, he is the one that must live with himself and his decision. It is too bad that you can't organize the moms or something to help you more. Is there a woman's group in the church that might help? Any social service type things? It would be nice if you could keep things going that way. I'm so sorry for all that you are being put through emotionally. I'm praying for your strength. Lisa

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  5. Dear Jen,

    I'm so happy about your chemo news! YEAH!

    I can so relate when it comes to feeling out of control. I think some of us are just natural born "control freaks" and some just naturally go with the flow. Either way, no one can really control the future. The serenity prayer helps me find peace in that fact. Maybe it will comfort you too.

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.
    Amen.

    --Reinhold Niebuhr

    I saw this the other day too and it made me smile.

    Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

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  6. Hi everyone, I just want to say thank you so very much for your kind words and support. You have no idea how much better I have felt since reading your comments. Your faith in me helps me to believe in myself at a time when it is all too easy to want to give up. I won't I will look at it as something telling me not to go. Although I don't understand what, perhaps there is a reason, either way I must accept what David has done and try to move on with our lives as best we can. So, thank you again, so very, very much I love you all so dearly and it is such a comfort to know I can come here and share what is worrying me and know that within a few minutes one of you at least will have read my words and left me a supportive, loving comment. It helps just so very much. Huge Hugs to all of you and much love xxxxxxxxx

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  7. Does David have a girlfriend? Hmmmm. Sounds like someone is making him change his mind. (?)

    That's the BEST NEWS, Jen!!! That Avastin is one tough bugger! But you are tougher and are going to get better and stronger and have more time with your family.

    Glad to hear your mom is stepping in--that's what family is all about! Pray for her relationship with Jack. Maybe Jack doesn't realize a thing. Give Jack lots of love and praise him in front of her in hopes she'll do the same.

    Happy Birthday to Jamie! Sorry I didn't say that in your previous post. Hope he had the best day ever. You're very blessed to have two healthy children and one that's lived 21 years. (Can you believe it?)

    Don't worry about the future. Your hope is in Christ alone who will give you hope and a future. Leave all the details to Him!

    Have a great week!
    Kat

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  8. dearest Jen...its me, Sue, all the way around the world in Spokane WA...just wanting you to know you are always in my prayers..so often in my heart and on my mind~! I wish you lived around the corner so I could drop by and visit and clean a bit and bring some goodies....

    You are a strong woman, Jen, dont give up now~! Your cancer is backing down and you can fight this...dont let this setback with David weaken you mentally or physically....just keep at it~!

    I am sending you all the strength I can~!

    xo

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  9. I rejoice with you on the good news of the shrinking of the tumors. I grieve with you over the news of David's decision. But you sound strong and determined to do what is best for you son. And for yourself. If you continue to make your health and your son's future your top priorities, then you will be on the right road, dear Jen. Hang in there - and know that you are loved and supported in all that you are going through.

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  10. Long-time reader, first-time poster.... I am absolutely thrilled at your wonderful news about the tumors, and I hope that this offsets, at least somewhat, the bad news about David. Even more than that, I hope the tumors' shrinking is just the beginning of nothing but exciting and encouraging and wonderful developments. Congratulations and a million best wishes to a lovely and brave sweetheart.

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  11. I am so glad the Avastin is working for you! (I did the Avastin clinical trial here in the US.) Hooray!

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  12. Wonderful news about the success of your treatment Jen!! Just the best news! You have been given what you deserve most, time with your boys, I couldn't be happier for you. Much love to you, Suzanne:)

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  13. Oh Jen! what wonderful news about the avastin! I am so thrilled to hear this bit of news! I am sorry about what is going on with David...added stress you do not need.

    annie

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  14. That's great news about the Avastin - it makes those yuk days worthwhile. Sorry to hear about David's actions but maybe Jack and your mother will benefit from the extra time together.
    I am pleased that Jamie's birthday went well - he will always remember that you were there with him, don't feel guilty about letting other do the work.
    Love and prayers
    Karen xox

    PS: Thanks Debbie for posting the Serenity Prayer - it is part of my daily life and reminds me of my priorities.

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  15. Dear Jen
    So glad your feeling better - I agree with one of the comment above everything happens for a reason and makes us take the path that we were meant to take. I think that your inner strength will help you find a way and this will work!!! You will do amazing as you have through out this, and your boys will be better people because of the love you show them each and everyday - and how they are your main concern!!! Your an amazing mom!!!
    Love and blessings from Canada this morning - always in my thoughts and prayers
    Nicky from Canada

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  16. Jen, it's great news your tumors are responding to the treatments. It does sound like maybe something has changed in David's life to cause him to change his mind, and maybe it will make more sense once you find out more about why he has had a change of heart about you moving there. The main thing is, your tumors are shrinking. You must continue to focus only on the positive in your life, and let the negatives pass through you. These nasty tumors love our bodies to be stressed, so do whatever you must to remain upbeat, happy and full of positive energy...just as you have been doing! Whatever it is you are doing...IS WORKING...so keep it up. You have many many people around the world loving you and pulling for you, so let all of our positive energy flow through you, and don't worry about anything else, because it will fall into place. Just take it one day at a time...literally. We don't know what tomorrow will bring...just as quickly as David changed his mind about you coming, he may rethink the situation and decide it's an option he wants you to consider once again. Just don't fret, because you never know what each day may bring. Focus and shrinking those tumors, focus on the great care you are receiving, and give the rest to God. He knows what your future holds, He knows what you need, and it will be revealed to you one day at a time. So please...no worries. We all love you Jen.

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  17. Jenni, That is such great news about the tumors shrinking! I'm so happy to hear this news. I'm so glad your mom is stepping in to help. It will give her much happiness, I'm sure, and you get to stay in your beautiful house. Maybe everything is unfolding in the best possible way. Love and hugs to beautiful you!

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  18. My dear Jen, I am so sorry to hear what David has said to you ~ and I can understand why it has upset you so much ~ sometimes life is so unfair ~ just when we think we have it all sorted out ~ things go up in the air again!
    Stay strong, I really believe that everything happens for a reason ~ and it will all come right in the end.
    I am so pleased to hear that the medication is working and the tumours have shrunk ~ that is fantastic.
    Take care my dear friend ~ thinking of you ~
    Love and hugs Tabitha XXXX

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  19. David sounds afraid. I think he's scared that he can't handle things emotionally only he doesn't know how to say it. Instead he says hurtful things and makes decisions based on fear.

    On a positive note, thank goodness you're having such a great response with the Avastin.

    It must seem overwhelming having the plans change so quickly. I'm sorry for that. You're such a good mother Jen...that shows in every post you write.

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  20. Yay Jen - the health news is great!

    I am sorry about your struggles with David, who know what is going through his mind? He seems like a good and kind Dad to Jack and thank god for that! You are about the strongest person I know, and I know you will meditate on this and come up with what is right and true for you.

    Sending Love and Healing Thoughts,

    Susie in New England, USA

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  21. Oh Jen. Did you hear me sigh? So, David? I bet he went home for a few days, had a few drinks with friends and family and told them what how marvellous he'd been. Everyone has an opinion on this situation and of course David spoke to people fighting his corner and I can just hear them saying "You are amazing. Of course you're tired but Jeeze mate she's your ex-wife, not your responsibility anymore" blah, blah blah.
    I have a very close friend and her recently ex-husband is an alcoholic - not cancer I know, but stay with me, anyway over Christmas he disappeared from his logdings and the police contatced my friend. This caused a lot of upset and anxiety and guilt but ultimately that old refrain, "But he's not my responsibility anymore" Of course he is not and you are not David's. Circumstances are totally different in your case obviously and I bet once David has got these 'voices' out of his head he will come round. If not, we, the blog world, will be out to get him!!!!
    Keep taking the drugs Jen love and keep shrinking. Much, much love,

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  22. Hi there,

    I haven't been here is a long while, your beautiful life rips my heart apart. But I've been extra dreadful today and I clicked a link somewhere and it brought me back to this Comfy Place and you have given me the slap in the face I needed.

    I am so sorry for all you are going through. Please know your strength and struggle touches hearts around the world. Be strong and thank you for being courageous and generous.

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  23. Hi Jen

    I'm doing the happy dance now because the Avastin is working!!!!!

    It sounds like David is playing the game "pull close, pull away, pull close, pull away". Crazy. Hard to understand. Hang in there sweet friend.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  24. Hi Jen...first of all...HOORAY for the shrinking tumours. I know how valuable every second with your sweet boys is....this is a gift.

    It is disappointing, and unexpected, this news from David. Maybe as another poster suggested, he is afraid?! He was so helpful before....it seems strange that he reacting this way now.

    At any rate, as always, I know you will do what is best for you and your boys. You always put them first....stay strong sweet girl...sending hugs and prayers across the seas and to you. xox

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  25. Jen so glad to hear about the tumor shrinkage! That is awesome! I continue to keep you in my prayers.

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  26. Jenni, I'm with you in heart, prayer and spirit. Know that you have a friend in Indiana who cares about you, even tho we've never met. Hang strong... you have many people watching your back for you. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

    Love~ Andrea

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  27. Just checking in to see how you are
    Love, hugs & blessings
    Nicky from Canada

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  28. Jen, I'm so happy to hear the good news about the tumors shrinking!!! Keep willing yourself well and keep focusing on the love and goodness in your life. (Sorry about David but I'm glad you are celebrating this triumph and striving to find the upsides.) Blessings on you, Amber

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  29. Such wonderful news about your CT scans! I'm thrilled for you. You're in my thoughts, dear.

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  30. Hey Sweetie. My only thought, as I was reading your post, is that David had a heart-to-heart with his family and the closer it got to the actual time to move there, the more the family realized it wasn't something they wanted. It sucks, but that is the first thing that popped into my mind.

    Great news about the scan though! Keep fighting, girl.

    Love to you.
    D

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