Friday, 12 December 2008

Thoughtfulness Part Two....

Hello darlings, I am sorry I haven't posted in a while and I know you must have started to worry about me as you do when you haven't heard anything and fair enough too. I am doing okay, still in a state of thoughtfulness, so many things have been coming to mind lately and each one deserves thought. I have been in a very quiet place, thinking tends to keep one fairly silent. Two milestones have been reached this season which I am very mindful of and grateful for. The first one was going to the Christmas Tree Farm with Jack (on my own! yay me!) and taking the tractor ride that lead us to the field in which we were to choose our tree for this Christmas. Jack adored it all again and, although he is seven, I am happy to report that he still enjoyed the entire day. He saw 'Santa' and although he knew that this 'Santa' wasn't the real 'Santa', he nevertheless clambered happily onto his knee and told him what he wanted this year and then took a 'lucky dip' gift from the box. He then explained to me on the way out of the barn, "you know Santa has helpers Mum, because there is way too much to do for just one Santa!?!?!?" We then enjoyed quite a long walk (I was exhausted) around taking care to choose just the right tree for us. A while later, having tagged said tree, we then caught the tractor ride back up to the main buildings where one huge barn is full of gorgeous decorations, designed to make you spend all your money, and a sausage sizzle and drink and an area where they bale up your tree so it is easier to fit in the car and take home where we then place it on it's stand and proceed to decorate it, even though by this stage Mum needs resuscitating from the effort of trying to look fit and cheerful and far from tired. Anyway, mission accomplished and although exhausted, I was feeling very pleased and happy to have got it done again this year. I am very aware that it may well be the last year I get to do it.

The second thing was attending Jack's school Christmas Carol night. I was very concerned about this particular evening as I am not able to sit for long periods of time as the tumor in my backside tends to hurt somewhat, I also didn't want to have an attack of nerve pain half way through the kids singing Silent Night!? and apart from that I was hoping I could stay awake long enough as I often just drop off to sleep when I'm tired, no matter what I'm doing or where I am I simply cannot help it. Anyway none of these embarrassing moments occurred and I got to see Jack singing his carols and he was gorgeous of course and I actually quite enjoyed the night, largely because David made it all so much easier on me and gave me his big comfy chair to sit in and just looked after me in general. So, I am really glad I got to go and enjoy my boy's carols as I know how important these memories will be to him.

I can't help feeling melancholy this Christmas, largely because I know it may well be my last and even if it's not my last, I don't think I will be enjoying the same level of health I have now - which is far from great but enough to go to the Christmas Tree Farm and things of the like. As I said I have been in a very quiet, thoughtful place lately and the words of my Oncologist continue to haunt me, they continue to play in my head whenever making any sort of decision about my future. He said "you could have anywhere from 6 months, 12 months up to 2 years but probably no more than 2 years." Now at first that just confused me terribly until I asked one of the nurses why there was such a large variant. She explained to me that it pretty much depends where the cancer presents next. My understanding is that it could go to my liver again, my brain, my bones - pretty much any of my organs and depending on which organ and where it situates within that organ it could kill me very very quickly! This really hit home with me, againI felt this disease getting more real, just a little more real and not so much like a terrifying dream that you just want to wake up from and feel that sense of relief and gratitude flood over you as you realize that it was only a dream.

One of the things I have been spending a lot of time thinking about is whether or not to move to Warragul, close to Dave, in time for the new year of school which starts February 3rd. Would you believe that I actually believed I had a choice in whether I went or not right up until tonight. I was obviously kidding myself once again that my Mum would perhaps be able to step in and help me now that Jack is in a good routine again. I will tell you what changed as late as this afternoon before I finished writing this post. Jack was invited to a Birthday Party that was to be happening today, it was quite last minute but he really wanted to go so last night, before leaving to go home for the weekend, David took Jack shopping and got him an outfit (the party was dressup and he had to go as a cowboy), he also got the girls who are twins gifts, cards, wrapping paper etc. He came home after having spent hours trying to find the right things and said "now all we have to do is find a way of getting him there and home again, why don't you phone your Mum and ask her to help you out?" Okay, I agreed to do that even though I had the feeling that she would be a bit put out by it. Sure enough, she was otherwise engaged looking after my sisters three children while my sister was getting her hair done. Her husband was at home but working in the office and far too busy to look after his own children for a few hours. Anyway Mum found a way that she could nick out and take Jack and then go back to my sisters and then come back and get Jack again after the party. All of this was good of her. Anyway she arrived late so Jack got to the party late, that was okay, then she arrived back at the party and dragged him out even though it wasn't finished, it was running overtime a bit and they had just brought the cake out and were about to sing Happy Birthday. Jack begged her to let him stay to sing and to get a bit of cake but no she wouldn't. I know what you are thinking, she had to get back to my sisters kids right? No, she had finished. This was 4pm in the afternoon and she didn't have to do anything else until she left to go out for dinner that night. She quite simply couldn't be bothered waiting for a bit longer. The father of the twins came running out at the last minute as they were in the car and leaving and gave Jack his party bag, obviously he felt sorry for Jack. What a horrible thing to do, honestly, she just ruins things all the time. Anyway, I guess in a way it was timely because as I said earlier I was still kidding myself that I had a choice in whether I went to Warragul or not. I actually thought that perhaps Mum could take over from David and allow me to stay down here for a while longer, but after that happening today I remember very clearly why I need to go and I need to go before school starts in February which doesn't give me much time to pack up an entire house, find another one and go. David has very kindly offered Jack and I the use of his home though until we can find something appropriate so that has helped make my decision. If I can go there and not have so much pressure on me to find something so fast it will make things much easier. I will have to put my things in storage but that's fairly easily done. So my mind is made up, my heart however is lagging behind a bit. I LOVE my home here by the beach, I adore my backyard with it's beautiful trees, I am happy that Jack is now happy at his school here, he is making good friendships now, I love my team at Hospice and at chemo, they are just so good to me and after nearly six years of knowing them you get attached and form relationships and friendships. I wish I didn't have to go but I know I do. I need to go for two reasons now. Originally it was for Jack, because when I pass I didn't want Jack to lose me, then lose his home and his school all in one big hit, too much for my boy by far so I wanted to go to where Jack would be living when I'd gone, help get him settled in the school he would be staying in, help get him settled in a new town, new place, new everything and also have him so much closer to his Dad because he misses his Dad when they are apart. So it was all about Jack and I knew there would come a time when I would make the choice and do it. Now, however, since David has come to live with us for the past couple of months and he has taken such wonderful care of Jack and of me also, I see that I need him to help me with Jack. No-one else can do it like David can, no-one else loves Jack as much as David and I do and Jack needs all the love he can get. David would never, ever take Jack out of a party just because he didn't want to wait around. He would make sure Jack got to sing, have cake and say proper goodbye's. He would probably have stayed and helped clean up, he is a wonderful father and he puts Jack first 99% of the time. I say 99% because he does get tired and cranky and then he can be like a completely different person, however since our big row about that he has somehow stopped doing it, he snaps himself out of it which is so good of him to try. I do wonder however, that if I wasn't here to sort of say to him "you're in that mood again and you're taking it out on those you love" whether he would continue to try and snap out of it or even recognize himself that he was being that way. There is room for concern there as I have seen him be unreasonable and irrational a few times and it is ugly. I will have a really strong discussion with him on this subject though sometime before I die and hope that he will honor one of my last requests. Anyway for the most part he is wonderful with Jack and he truly loves him and always tries to put him first. He loves spending time with him and it is genuine, it's not because he has to play with him, he actually just genuinely enjoys his son and adores him. I am very lucky.

Enough for now anyway friends, gosh when I haven't posted for a while I sure make up for it with a lengthy post after the drought! I love you very much and thank you for continuing to read what I write and to really care for me, I am still amazed by what we have here and I appreciate it every day, even when I'm not writing. Take good care. Oh by the way, I am going to be updating the look of my blog sometime in the New Year which will be wonderful because I feel it's looking a bit tired and old, needs something fresh and vibrant and new. Love to you all.

37 comments:

  1. good to hear your words and your thoughts.

    the lack of support from your family is heartbreaking.

    I hope the move helps both you and Jack. I know it will be such a big adjustment for you, having to leave the support of your medical team, but maybe something beautiful will come of it all.

    I hope your holidays are filled with more joyful memories...

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  2. i hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season!

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  3. so happy you and Jack were able to get out together and choose a tree! And I think you've made a good decision to move closer to David. You will get plenty of help for you and for Jack. Wonderful.

    Love to you.
    Danielle

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  4. Loved hearing all your latest news. I miss you when you can't post. I'm glad you've decided to make the move. It sounds like you have peace about it being the right thing. So sorry your mom causes you so much grief. Shame on her.

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  5. Jen,
    Sounds like you & Jack had a fun day getting a Christmas tree. That's wonderful that you were able to do that with him.

    I'm glad you've made the decision to move. It certainly will be good for Jack.

    You take care of yourself!
    Prayers,Love & Hugs,
    Dodie

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  6. good to hear from you. ah, relationships. what would we do without them right. If i were the parent of the birthday child, and i knew of your situation, honestly ,i would have offered to take Jack home at a later time. i would have. people have to understand that sometimes going out of their way is exactly what one has to do sometimes. i watch my neighbor's baby now and then when she is struggling and runs out of diapers and is having a hard time. it takes effort between myself and two kids, but i do it bc SHE sometimes has NO choice. And people with limited choices need help. I am praying and thinking of you.

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  7. so glad to hear your voice my dear friend. check your email for a note from me. i love you
    xoxox
    meg

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  8. I am so happy you have been able to choose your tree and go to the carols with Jack - they are lovely memories for both of you.
    David is doing a wonderful job - but remember we all have that 1% at time when things get too much. Your boys will be fine.
    Love and hugs
    K xx

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  9. Oh Jen, I'm so happy you were able to go get the tree with Jack and attend his performance. I hope you also took photos. What great memories for you both.

    I agree with your decision to move. I know it will be hard now, but in the long run it will definitely be for the best.

    Praying for you sweet friend.

    Christmas hugs!
    Kat

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  10. I am so grateful for your beautiful day out with Jack. I think of you constantly. Hugs Lisa L.

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  11. I'm truly sorry you are going through all of this without the support you need from your family. What a difficult realization that you have had to come to. My heart goes to you now even more than before. I do kind of know where you're coming from. Sometimes "family" can be heartbreakingly cold and selfish and it's times like these that make you see what the lessons in life are. I just hate the way you are having to learn them and in such a difficult time.
    Take care of yourself Jen. Love to you.

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  12. Jen - I am so glad that you are going to Warragul - I know its not your home but it is a chance to watch Jack grow and form a support network - and I have a feeling that you will also find some good support.

    Best of luck and lots of hugs.

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  13. Jen - There is a lot going on isn't there? We did the whole tree thing last week. I am totally knackered, so God alone knows how you feel!!!
    I am glad of your decision to move. It is a wise if difficult thing to do. Don't worry about David's moods, hell we can all be far from perfect parents can't we? As long as we do the loving, patient thing for the majority of the time then kids will be fine.
    Hope you have a gentle Christmas where can I email you my Christmas letter, only it may make you titter, which you could do with!

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  14. Jen, we all love you, too.

    It is so wonderful that you are able to make these memories with your sweet boy. I believe God brings certain people together in life as part of His plan. David and Jack are learning so much from you. You are living God's grace, and this time you are sharing will help the two of them in their life together.

    Have you thought about bringing in a photographer to take pictures of you and Jack, and of you, David and Jack? I know those pictures will come to mean everything to Jack in the future. It will help for him to have something he can hold in his hands. There are such wonderful photographers that specialize in capturing life and the love people share.

    Be kind to yourself, dear Jen. My heart and prayers remain with you.

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  15. I am new to your blog and amazed at what a courageous woman you are, Thank you for sharing your truth it means so much to those who are blessed enough land here. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

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  16. Jen- I am glad you wrote - I was getting concerned! I am happy to hear about your outings with Jack. Your mom sounds like she has her own issues that no one is going to change. If she doesn't realize what is important now she might never! I am sorry that you have to deal with that in addition to everything else.

    Have a wonderful holiday, I will send wonderful healing thoughts across ocean and land.

    Susie

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  17. Keep moving toward the next right thing, Jenny B. Go where you find love and support. The interesting thing is that this disease is giving you the courage to do what we should all do! It might not feel like it, but you're still leading the way.

    xo

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  18. So glad to hear from you again Jen ~ you have been very busy from the sound of it!!
    Take care ~ you are often in my thoughts.
    Love and hugs Tabitha XXX

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  19. Dear Jen,

    I am so glad you had the outing with Jack to get the tree. It sounds like fun and I am sure he will remember it always. I think it sounds like the right decision to go to David's...just as we all knew you would, you have made the decision based on your unswerving love for Jack. You are one special Mother and person. I will be thinking of you always, especially this Christmas.

    Annie

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  20. I'm sorry your mother let you down again but at least this time it has served a very important purpose.

    Once you move, there will be time to get into family counseling. This can help David with his anger problem and give Jack a safe place to talk with someone, no matter what course things take.

    My mother has let me down as well (although certainly not to this scale) and while it's taken awhile, I've just let go of expecting otherwise. It would be wonderful if your mom could change, but she will not. So now it's time to change locations and I know you'll do it beautifully.

    I wish you the very best of luck.

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  21. Who needs enemies when you have family like that! ha. (just teasing!) I hate to say leave your family, but David sure has stepped up to the plate, Jen. He's proving to be one you can count on till the end.

    Loved hearing from you! Whew! That was a long stretch. You probably don't realize it from your end. Even if it's a post to let us know how many times you went to the bathroom in a day....ha....we don't care!!!

    Thinking and praying for you daily. This time of year IS a time for reflection for all of us living and/or dying. Just remember Jen...we are all dead men without Jesus Christ and each of us could take our last breath today. And when compared to eternity, we're not far behind you in the grand scheme of things! You're just going sooner to help make a place for us.

    So, keep your eyes and meditations on God and His word and leave all the consequences to Him! He'll guide you in your decision to move and all things will fall into place.

    Have a great week!
    Hug~Smootch!

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  22. Peace to you and Jack - to all you love I wish your mtohrer were behaving better. I understand your decision to move, and the painful uncertainty about your life expectancy

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  23. Jen, Sounds like a lovely time at the tree farm and school night. I'm so glad you had the strength to go and to enjoy it! I'm sure it meant the world to Jack. Wishing you, David and your boys a very wonderful Christmas!

    love and prayers, Amber

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  24. Hi sweet Jen. I tried to leave a message earlier, but somehow I lost it and it erased - ugh. So, I'm back now. I know what you mean about your mom not staying until Jack had cake. But please try not to focus too much energy on it, it's not worth it dear. Enjoy the moments with Jack, and keep all of the good things in your heart, and throw away the rest. I think of you daily, and you are always in my prayers at night. Know that we walk with you and are holding your hand. I check on you daily.

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  25. Hi Jen, I am so pleased that you have spent time picking out a Christmas Tree with Jack! Just wonderful! Memories are made from times like this. As far as your Mother goes I am lost for words. She will never get IT. So don't give any more thought to her. This however, has helped you make the decision to perhaps move to Warragul. I wish any decision you make is right for you. I think of you often, sending much love, Suzanne.

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  26. Yeah for you that you were able to get to events that you were looking forward to. I'm sure Jack was thrilled to have you there - to choose the tree and then to hear him sing. Yeah for you all!

    I hope and pray that the move goes well, that you are able to settle easily and quickly into your new home and routine. We all look forward to your updates whenever you can give them. Please don't feel guilty about not writing more. Life is for living, not only documenting!!!

    Peace to you and your beloved family.

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  27. I am so happy to read that you were able to go and get the tree with Jack.

    You really are amazing. Do you know that, Jen?

    I will pray for some direction as you make some tough decisions about moving.

    God bless you and keep you, sweet Jen.
    Merry Christmas.

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  28. So many decisions. Jack is so lucky to have you. You just continue to pray and let us pray for you. God is good and merciful. Merry CHRISTmas and love to you all.

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  29. Dear Jen
    So happy to hear from you, you have had a lot on your plate. Glad you made the tree picking and the concert - such a great thing for Jack. How is Jaime doing?? How will he deal with your move. I think it is a good thing and you need to lean on the people that will be there for you and your boys.
    Lots of love and prayers
    Nicky from Canada

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  30. i.love.you.x.x

    words are lost when wanting to tell you what i think and feel...i know nothing change the way you feel... i know nobody can truly understand where you are...and what you are thinking...

    BUT....:-)

    you know there are people here who adore you!
    people who support you!
    people who will make you president of the united states (yes! i know you live in Aurstralie)...

    but Sweetie, you rock! in every possible way!

    and....

    i love you xx

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  31. sweet jen, so many big decisions for you. you are the a wonderful and loving mother. all that you have given up for your sons, at such a time as this...you deserve to have a mother just like you. i am sorry that your mother has behaved so selfishly. (did i just say that? sorry)...you deserve so much love in the world. you deserve care and time and attention. i cannot believe that your mom is not spending every breathing moment that she can with her daughter who has been given a limited time left to be with.

    i SO wish we were closer, i promise you i would be there as much as possible, making you tea, propping your feet up and making you as comfortable as possible friend. i would also look after jack as much as possible for you too.

    it kills me to think about you struggling along like this, when you need support. please know that you are loved...you have us out here in the world looking after you jen, and we love you and are praying for you.

    hugs sweet friend,
    shelbi

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  32. I am so happy that you were able to enjoy that special time with your sweet boy. He will always cherish and remember those times with you.

    It is very hard when family lets us down isn't it? I am sorry that you have to go through that on top of everything else.

    I know the decision you are making is a tough one, but based on everything you have told us here, it sounds like you are making the right one.

    Thinking of you and praying for you always.

    xoxo
    Tara-Lynn

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  33. Dear Jen, sorry that your mum let you and Jack down in that way, very selfish. Thinking of you often. Hope that life treats you well until your next update.

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  34. Jen,
    I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hope you are doing well.

    Hugs to you & Jack!
    Dodie

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  35. Thinking of you. Hoping that you are feeling well enough to enjoy some of the Christmas festivities. Hugs Lisa L.

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  36. Darling Jen,
    Just pass by to wish a good weekend. Christmas 4 days distance... I'm so happy you could attend Jack's school xmas party! It will be so good to see new look of the Comfy place!!!
    Take care my friend, always thinking of you. You're unforgetable like Nat King Cole sings!
    *Love* to you and you boys & family.
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