I was reminded yesterday just how powerful love can be. I was home alone laying on the couch, watching the movie Mama Mia. I wasn't feeling very well and hadn't really felt well since Christmas day. The side effects of the chemo were hitting me hard. My left hand and arm alternates between pins and needles or complete numbness, which is a side affect of Avastin but quite early to take hold, although it has been known to start after the first dose in some cases. It also dries out the skin on your hands and feet, so much so that they start to crack (mine haven't so far)! I had been aching all day and felt heavy and lethargic. Jack had left to go to Warragul with David for the night so I had space to just do nothing (although the house was such a mess it made me cringe). I put a movie on and forced myself to stop worrying about the mess and how badly the floors needed vacuuming.
I lay on the couch watching this rather light hearted, silly movie and it got to the part where the mum is getting the daughter ready for her wedding day, all of a sudden I'm sobbing great, heaving, huge, messy, sobs of anguish. I cried and cried and cried and just when I thought I'd finished, I'd cry some more. After continuing this behaviour for quite sometime and still not feeling any better whatsoever, I grabbed the phone and called my friend Mandy. I felt I really wanted to talk to her and only her. She knew pain. She knew loss. She knew grief. She had come out the other side. (Mandy is my dear friend that lost her eight year old daughter two years ago). She answered the phone thank goodness and she let me talk and cry and then offered me her wisdom and thoughts, her love and kindness. We decided that the movie (Mama Mia) although being about the daughter getting married and the mother ruminating how very quickly her daughters childhood had passed by and here she was grown up and getting married, must have touched something inside me even though I have sons. I related so much to how very quickly childhood is gone and your children are moving on with their lives, perhaps getting married and having kids of their own. It highlighted to me what I will be missing if this disease has its way with me (which we know it won't but just 'what if'). I think that was a part of what got me crying and Mandy told me that my body is starting to let me feel in small bits and pieces. She says our bodies protect us from things that are just too hard to bear by going numb but that small pieces at a time come through, enough to really be upsetting but not too much all at once. I wonder if she's right, she is for her but perhaps everyone is different, I don't know. What I do know is that I was grieving. I want so very, very much to protect my sons from feeling the pain of losing their mother but yesterday I realized that I am being cheated also because I want to be there for them as they grow into adulthood and I want to be at their weddings and I want to be a grandmother one day, it was as though I felt the loss of all of those things. Just the fact that I might not be around was bad enough.
Anyway, I hung up from Amanda feeling quite a bit better but longing for my little boy to come home and let me hold him close, be with him, breath him in and just adore him. I knew that wasn't going to happen, I wasn't selfish enough to phone up and ask Dave to bring him home. Anyway, I had a bit more of a cry and a bit of a think and then I remembered what Jack had said to me last night after I'd read to him and we were snuggled up together having cuddles and just talking when he said to me "mum I just love you so much, I know I have to lose you but I love you. You know to you it probably feels like only 5 minutes till we see each other again cause you'll be in Heaven but for me I have to wait my whole life to see you again and that's gonna be hard..." I was speechless at the time, I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't correct him because I am supposed to be preparing him for the inevitable (doctor speak). At the time, I hugged him extra tight and stayed with him until he fell asleep which didn't take long at all. I didn't cry, I just got up out of his bed and went to the lounge room to read a book and I sort of didn't think about it again that night which is so weird now I think about it. When I was sobbing yesterday those words Jack had spoken kept running through my head and of course I realized just how painful hearing him say those things last night and not being able to correct him, was for me. Of course I longed to say to him, 'darling don't you worry your little head about things like that, mummy isn't going anywhere' words of that sort that are just instinctive to say to your little ones to soothe them and reassure them - only I can't because in the long run it could only make it so much harder for him. I honestly think I must have gone a bit numb again last night after hearing him say what he said and then it's been able to surface today while I've been alone and it's safe for me to really let the pain of being unable to reassure my son wash over me.
Okay, I finally stopped and lay down on the couch thinking I' d have a nap because I was exhausted when tap, tap, tap on the door and lo and behold there is Amanda (Mandy) with her son Kyle and a bag of goodies. Righto she said, pop the kettle on, I thought you might like some company for the night tonight, so we can stay over if you'd like or we can just visit, have some dinner and relax, talk, watch a movie, whatever you feel like. First thing though, I'm doing a quick tidy up, where's the vacuum? So power of love shining there.
Next thing is this. The phone rings. It's Jack telling me he's coming home tonight. I am overjoyed at this because I still longed to hold him close with every fibre of my being. So my very dear friend left at the same time as my beautiful son arrived home, I put Jack to bed and then joined him shortly afterwards taking such great joy in holding him. I felt love wash over me it almost felt electric and I do believe it was so very healing. I just lay there holding him and basking in the moment and the feeling of love washing through my body. I pictured it as golden light shining into and around my body and it felt warm and alive like energy all around me and through me, I know it sounds very strange but it gets even more strange because I had been really feeling the effects of the chemo the past few days and had been feeling quite revolting really, lethargic, nauseated, just full of toxic chemotherapy. I woke up the next day after cuddling with Jack and feeling the love and the light, feeling fantastic. Not a trace of chemo feeling at all. I felt back to normal. I had energy, I was stunned and the only thing I could put it down to was the amazing energy I had felt around me and through me the night before. I mean perhaps it was that, in combination with the really good cry I had had that day as well. Anyway, you know what? I don't care if it sounds crazy, if it helps me to feel better then I am more than happy to believe. I have read information on the power of the mind recently and it really made a lot of sense to me, I am definitely going to try and really be in the moment and appreciate what is going on and let it wash over me and perhaps do some healing in the process, if nothing else, I certainly feel better in myself anyway. I guess that was another powerful love moment, firstly Jack coming home when I really wanted him and then that beautiful, loving, energy that washed over and through me, that was definitely the power of love, I could feel it - perhaps God knew that I really needed something after how sad and worried I'd been, I don't know for sure but I do know it was love.