Wednesday, 31 December 2008

The Power Of Love....


I was reminded yesterday just how powerful love can be. I was home alone laying on the couch, watching the movie Mama Mia. I wasn't feeling very well and hadn't really felt well since Christmas day. The side effects of the chemo were hitting me hard. My left hand and arm alternates between pins and needles or complete numbness, which is a side affect of Avastin but quite early to take hold, although it has been known to start after the first dose in some cases. It also dries out the skin on your hands and feet, so much so that they start to crack (mine haven't so far)! I had been aching all day and felt heavy and lethargic. Jack had left to go to Warragul with David for the night so I had space to just do nothing (although the house was such a mess it made me cringe). I put a movie on and forced myself to stop worrying about the mess and how badly the floors needed vacuuming.

I lay on the couch watching this rather light hearted, silly movie and it got to the part where the mum is getting the daughter ready for her wedding day, all of a sudden I'm sobbing great, heaving, huge, messy, sobs of anguish. I cried and cried and cried and just when I thought I'd finished, I'd cry some more. After continuing this behaviour for quite sometime and still not feeling any better whatsoever, I grabbed the phone and called my friend Mandy. I felt I really wanted to talk to her and only her. She knew pain. She knew loss. She knew grief. She had come out the other side. (Mandy is my dear friend that lost her eight year old daughter two years ago). She answered the phone thank goodness and she let me talk and cry and then offered me her wisdom and thoughts, her love and kindness. We decided that the movie (Mama Mia) although being about the daughter getting married and the mother ruminating how very quickly her daughters childhood had passed by and here she was grown up and getting married, must have touched something inside me even though I have sons. I related so much to how very quickly childhood is gone and your children are moving on with their lives, perhaps getting married and having kids of their own. It highlighted to me what I will be missing if this disease has its way with me (which we know it won't but just 'what if'). I think that was a part of what got me crying and Mandy told me that my body is starting to let me feel in small bits and pieces. She says our bodies protect us from things that are just too hard to bear by going numb but that small pieces at a time come through, enough to really be upsetting but not too much all at once. I wonder if she's right, she is for her but perhaps everyone is different, I don't know. What I do know is that I was grieving. I want so very, very much to protect my sons from feeling the pain of losing their mother but yesterday I realized that I am being cheated also because I want to be there for them as they grow into adulthood and I want to be at their weddings and I want to be a grandmother one day, it was as though I felt the loss of all of those things. Just the fact that I might not be around was bad enough.

Anyway, I hung up from Amanda feeling quite a bit better but longing for my little boy to come home and let me hold him close, be with him, breath him in and just adore him. I knew that wasn't going to happen, I wasn't selfish enough to phone up and ask Dave to bring him home. Anyway, I had a bit more of a cry and a bit of a think and then I remembered what Jack had said to me last night after I'd read to him and we were snuggled up together having cuddles and just talking when he said to me "mum I just love you so much, I know I have to lose you but I love you. You know to you it probably feels like only 5 minutes till we see each other again cause you'll be in Heaven but for me I have to wait my whole life to see you again and that's gonna be hard..." I was speechless at the time, I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't correct him because I am supposed to be preparing him for the inevitable (doctor speak). At the time, I hugged him extra tight and stayed with him until he fell asleep which didn't take long at all. I didn't cry, I just got up out of his bed and went to the lounge room to read a book and I sort of didn't think about it again that night which is so weird now I think about it. When I was sobbing yesterday those words Jack had spoken kept running through my head and of course I realized just how painful hearing him say those things last night and not being able to correct him, was for me. Of course I longed to say to him, 'darling don't you worry your little head about things like that, mummy isn't going anywhere' words of that sort that are just instinctive to say to your little ones to soothe them and reassure them - only I can't because in the long run it could only make it so much harder for him. I honestly think I must have gone a bit numb again last night after hearing him say what he said and then it's been able to surface today while I've been alone and it's safe for me to really let the pain of being unable to reassure my son wash over me.

Okay, I finally stopped and lay down on the couch thinking I' d have a nap because I was exhausted when tap, tap, tap on the door and lo and behold there is Amanda (Mandy) with her son Kyle and a bag of goodies. Righto she said, pop the kettle on, I thought you might like some company for the night tonight, so we can stay over if you'd like or we can just visit, have some dinner and relax, talk, watch a movie, whatever you feel like. First thing though, I'm doing a quick tidy up, where's the vacuum? So power of love shining there.

Next thing is this. The phone rings. It's Jack telling me he's coming home tonight. I am overjoyed at this because I still longed to hold him close with every fibre of my being. So my very dear friend left at the same time as my beautiful son arrived home, I put Jack to bed and then joined him shortly afterwards taking such great joy in holding him. I felt love wash over me it almost felt electric and I do believe it was so very healing. I just lay there holding him and basking in the moment and the feeling of love washing through my body. I pictured it as golden light shining into and around my body and it felt warm and alive like energy all around me and through me, I know it sounds very strange but it gets even more strange because I had been really feeling the effects of the chemo the past few days and had been feeling quite revolting really, lethargic, nauseated, just full of toxic chemotherapy. I woke up the next day after cuddling with Jack and feeling the love and the light, feeling fantastic. Not a trace of chemo feeling at all. I felt back to normal. I had energy, I was stunned and the only thing I could put it down to was the amazing energy I had felt around me and through me the night before. I mean perhaps it was that, in combination with the really good cry I had had that day as well. Anyway, you know what? I don't care if it sounds crazy, if it helps me to feel better then I am more than happy to believe. I have read information on the power of the mind recently and it really made a lot of sense to me, I am definitely going to try and really be in the moment and appreciate what is going on and let it wash over me and perhaps do some healing in the process, if nothing else, I certainly feel better in myself anyway. I guess that was another powerful love moment, firstly Jack coming home when I really wanted him and then that beautiful, loving, energy that washed over and through me, that was definitely the power of love, I could feel it - perhaps God knew that I really needed something after how sad and worried I'd been, I don't know for sure but I do know it was love.

26 comments:

  1. This is simply a beautiful post, Jen. Full of love and pain and happiness and gratitude and longing. You have a way of taking your most private thoughts and making them accessible. After reading this, I felt the weight of your life. But the lightness of your spirit just continues to shine through the sentences.

    Much love to you.

    Jill

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  2. Oh Jen. What a wonderful story!! That is the power of the Universe at work!! You are doing an incredible job as a mom. Your son's words show that. He may be little but he is wise beyond his years. My 7 year old son is the same way. My husband passed when my youngest son was a month shy of 3. He says things to me that just blow me away. Life goes on around them everyday. They are such sponges and take in things that we don't even notice as adults. One day at a time is all we can do. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Happy New Year to you and your boys ~ Wendy McDonagh-Valentine

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  3. You have been given a very special blessing. The energy of pure love all powerful has surged through you and is healing you. God bless xx

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  4. So good to hear from you, Jen! What a love Jack is - such amazing words from a little guy - a smart little guy though. Wow.
    I'm so happy to hear that the pain of the chemo worked it's way out of your system and that all the stars aligned to bring you Mandy and Jack all in one night. I love that she vacuumed... that is love.
    So thrilled that the positivity is working - I can imagine how hard it is and I know myself how I try to do it but it's tough sometimes... but then, voila!, it works magically.
    All the best to you and the boys...
    Cate in California

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  5. Oh Jen, what a beautiful post. The love that you feel for your boys just comes pouring across the miles...I can practically feel it. This is a wonderful story, and I am so happy that this love made you feel better....how miraculous.

    You are such a strong and brave Momma...hugs to you my darling.

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  6. This is amazing Jen. I don't know if I've commented before, but I have been on this journey with you for the past year. This love you experienced and shared with us so beautifully is so extravagant and healing and wonderful! Not one little ounce of crazy at all! Pure truth and joy in my estimation. I've heard it say that it is scientifically proven that tear can contain toxicity and there is sure a lot more room for those to dissolve outside the body than within. So yeah for science to prove the painfully obvious but cheers for the power of love that proves such truths at such a deep level of the soul! I love how you described the light of love....and your the body's kindness in going numb for a time in order that we not completely lose it but then gently allows the moments and hours to completely pour out the grief rather than hold onto it. I could go on and on but I'm beginning to feel all over the place now and will just sign off saying you have once again touched a deep heart chord through sharing your story here. Bless you sister. love, di

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  7. I have nothing to add to the wonderful reponses here - they are so true! Yay for great friends and loving sons. You deserve it all and more.

    Susie

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  8. Dear, dear Jen,
    What a frigging movie! We must have watched it twenty times since Christmas Day - but I tell you, the first refrains of that mother/daughter song and I'm a gonner!!!! What is it about it. When I went to the movies I clutched my 13 year old to me. It must be soemthing to do with love slipping away form us and realising, to late that we can' control it any more. It's a bugger!!
    Much love to you from Cornwall, England xxxxx

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  9. My grandmother raised me for most of my life, when she died I didn't have to wait until I died to be with her again - she is always with me, I can feel her, talk to her, be with her. I wrote an essay about this very topic, it might help. Peace and love...m.
    http://www.mamazine.com/Pages/column194_aid19.html

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  10. What a totally lovely post Jen!
    I cried my eyes out when I saw Mamma Mia at the pictures ~ at the bit where they play the song 'slipping through my fingers' ~ dunno why ~ like you, I suppose it was the realisation that time moves on ~ a bit too quickly sometimes!
    Take care my dear sweet friend ~ you are never far from my thoughts.
    Love and big hugs Tabitha XXXXXX

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  11. Happy New Year Dear Jen
    How lovely your night was and isn't it wonderful to know that there are angels out there looking out for us, when we need it most. So glad that you have an amazing friend who knew how much you needed her and so glad your boy was home.
    I have not had access to a computer since New Years, we headed to my mother in laws and she has no web access, had some truck trouble, so home late today.
    Wishing you a year filled with the power of love
    Nicky from Canada

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  12. I hope your year is full of that kind of "crazy" love!

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  13. I tried to leave a comment a minute ago but I wasn't logged in, so just in case you didn't get it, I said, I hope your year is full of that kind of crazy love!

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  14. Love is hard to miss - given or received, and it is surely reflected in this blob - reflecting it back at you.

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  15. Beautiful writing and soul-sharing, Jen. Wishing you such a happy and *healthy* 2009 with much love, xo Jena

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  16. you deserve every happiness and drop of love you can get. feel sad if you need, but know you are a present and loving mum.

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  17. Wow what a post! I feel God working his magic in your life.

    Praying for you sweet friend!
    Hugs!
    Kat

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  18. What a wonderful story of friendship, hope, love, and God hearing your heart's cry even before you formed it into words. What a great day and night for you. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

    I wish you all the best in 2009. May every day of this year bring you joy and laughter and hugs and peace and friends with food and and miracles, large and small. And not only to you, but to all of us.

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  19. I believe it was really the LOVE energy through you my dear! For sure. So good to read this post today!
    kisses and love to you!

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  20. that is a good friend indeed. anyone who comes to the house to put the kettle on and just knows what to do like vaccum, is in touch with your inner soul. most friends just stand by the side and offer but don't quite get right into it. pls. let her know i am so very sorry for her loss and hoping she is doing fine as one can be under those harshest of life's events. children are so smart and perceptive aren't they? that was a beautiful perspective he gave.

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  21. Sometimes you need to let go and let God handle things. That bit in the movie get me every time too but I think it was good for you to have that sad, reflective time and let a bit of it out. If you let some sadness out there is more room for happiness and peace to fill those gaps.
    Love and hugs
    Karen xx

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  22. This is such a beautiful post! It brought tears to my eyes, and I felt so grateful you have people around you that care so much for you! Sending you prayers and a Happy New Year!

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  23. Waht aq beautiful child you have. Mamma Mia made me sob..... so I can understand how much more it would make you sob.....
    I am thinking of you....

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  24. You are so magic. Enjoy this love, don't question. Sending fierce wishes of whatever you need.

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