Saturday, 15 November 2008
On a completely different note, I haven't spoken on this blog much about my family and by that I mean my mother, my sisters, my brother etc, (not my immediate family) mostly because it has been too hurtful and mostly because I have felt it would be disloyal but I have recently decided that this is my blog, I am a big girl now, this has been a topic that has had a huge influence on my life and I believe on my cancer too. It would take me a lifetime to write about everything that has taken place in my 39 years but I think the way me having cancer has been handled would have to have been the worst. I have now decided that if I need to get something off my chest in regards to family, I will. It's as simple as that, I am sick of feeling that I can't go there when often times I really feel like writing about it. Growing up with them and also dealing with them as an adult have had an enormous affect on me and on me dealing with cancer, perhaps even having cancer. Also, if this blog is to be printed off one day as a testament to who I was, then there would be a huge chunk of information missing and a huge chunk that simply wouldn't make sense or add up and I want it to be as true an account as possible. Mind you, for that to be possible I would probably need to write a book I think, unless I turned this into a very different kind of blog, one that really started from my earliest memories and was very detailed. And then, my family, who don't even bother to read my blog now, would certainly sit up and take notice and then try and dispute everything I said because that is the nature of the beast. I guess if I were to do that then I should do it privately and have it published after I die so I don't have to be on the receiving end of what would be an absolute furore because I dared to speak up.
Now having said that, I don't really feel like going into details right now, but my family have let me down badly (again) lately and once again, I was left wondering how the hell I was born into this unit and how the hell to deal with what they put out, I honestly don't know how to deal with them except by having nothing more to do with them and I don't really want it to be that way but I keep getting so damn hurt that there may be no other choice anymore. Obviously I need to learn something from them, probably the patience of a saint!! lol!! Is there any one of you that has had to let your family go in order to keep the peace or your health? Any of you that has a family that keep thinking it's okay to hurt you and that you are the one that can take it and if you can't anymore it doesn't even matter that much? If so, I would really like to hear how you've dealt with it. Either on the comments page or via emailing me in private, up to you but I would be very interested to hear from you.
Okay sweet readers and sweet blog family, lets keep this blog the loving, healing space it is for all of us and keep the magical circle flowing. It really has been and will continue to be a magical space here and although I am for now moderating the comments section, I don't anticipate doing it for more than a few days because something goes against the grain about it. I've never, ever had to do it in more than a year of writing extremely openly here and there is something wonderful about that and I don't want to lose it, so as I say, I will stop moderating very shortly and I guess if any unwelcome 'intruders' turn up you have shown me that you are all more than capable of dealing with them quick smart. Take care my dear friends and I am hoping to be able to post a little more regularly from now on. Love and Peace to All.