Saturday, 1 November 2008

Saturday Morning Blues...

Hi everyone, I have got the blues just a little bit this morning. Yesterday afternoon I started getting the nerve pain back again quite frequently and even with my very strongest medication, which I brought home from Peter Mac with me, I could still feel this underlying pain. I woke up with it in the night several times and woke again with it this morning. It has changed somewhat, the pain is still in the sciatic nerve but now it actually shoots down my right leg and cramps up my calf muscle, horrid! Worst of all, David - who would have to come very close to being the best dad in the world, has gone home for the weekend. He had some things to take care of back there and I had been doing really well, I hadn't even had a bout of nerve pain until yesterday but I didn't want to stop him going home, he's been doing such a fantastic job here and he was looking forward to a game of cricket today so I just kept quiet as much as possible about the pain. Anyway, it is just Jack and I today until Jamie gets home, and it was just Jack and I here last night. Gosh I didn't realize how much I would miss Dave's presence here. Especially in the mornings, he would get everything moving, open blinds, make brekky, get Jack in the shower and all of it done cheerfully too! This morning it was me staggering to the blinds and pulling them up, staggering over to the medicine cupboard and taking everything I could to stop the pain, then putting cartoons on for Jack to try and buy me some time to get better, plonking myself down at the computer desk because the pain hurts less when I'm sitting down. I am half asleep thanks to the pain medicine and all in all it is not a pretty picture. Certainly not the cheerful, bustling mornings we have when David is here in charge of everything. We miss him.

Also it is a long weekend here because of the Melbourne Cup. Jamie will stay here with me tonight and tomorrow night, Jamie's girlfriend Christina is coming over too, so that will be great as she is wonderful with Jack and a delight, we all love her. Then Monday morning Dave will be back, yay. I really cannot look after home and family on my own at the moment, I wonder whether I'll ever be able to again actually! The past week has been a time of thinking and planning and wondering, trying to make decisions that will be best for both boys. It is so very difficult, sometimes my head is cloudy from medication, sometimes I just feel numb because something kicks in and protects me from the pain of it all but then it is difficult to make decisions. Actually, as I write that, I realize that in fact it is probably much easier to make decisions because my emotions are not ruling as much. I have talked on this blog about one day going to live in Warragul near David, that time may be very near and yet I still have a lot of the same issues, yet they are mostly selfish ones and as long as I can get equivalent care up there, then there is no real reason I could not go. It is all stuff like, I need to be near my family and friends, my pain specialist at hospice loves me and truly, truly cares, I'm not going to find that anywhere else, I want to live near the beach - it's healing, I am just happy where I live and that is not a good enough reason not to move. My reasons for considering the move in the first place still stand - Jack will have more than enough on his plate losing me let alone having to move and change schools. At least doing it now means I can help him get settled into a new school and a new town. So much to think about. David is on long service leave until January next year which is when our school year begins, after that I don't have him to help me except on weekends. I saw my Oncologist on Wednesday and he explained what I already knew from the last time we talked about it, only this time it was much more real. He says he honestly can't tell me more than this:- I may die in 6 months, I may die in 12 months, I will definitely not get longer than 2 years based on what is available today in terms of medicine and technology. I need to make my decisions regarding where to live soon then I think. One thing I do wonder about though is whether it may actually be better for Jack to have a clean start when I'm gone. A new school and town and home where there aren't memories of me floating around. I don't know, I truly don't. Any thoughts on this? I know I've probably asked you before but tell me again if you don't mind as I am very confused on this issue.


  1. My only thought is this: continue to love your sons. Continue to be with them as much as possible. I'm sure there are others who can and will speak specifically to the issue of where to live, but for me, it's simple: be with your boys as much as you can. Sleep with Jack. Eat with him. Stare at him. Fill his ears and mind and heart with your words of love and encouragement and the sound of your laughter as often as you can.

    Peace and rest and relief be yours, dear Jen.

  2. My only thought on the issue of moving with Jack now is that at least he would be settled in and not have to deal with those stresses on top of losing you. Moving and starting a new life is very stressful to children. Maybe if that were done already, it would be a great support to him to already be settled? Just my thoughts...
    I'm sorry the pain is back so badly and that Dave is gone. I think you need to be near him.

    Take care Jen. I will be thinking of you. :)

  3. I second Gail's wise words. As for where to live and the best way to handle these things, is there a professional you can turn to for advice and support? Perhaps one of your doctors could connect you with a therapist or social worker (or the Australian equivalent) to advise you on how to handle these difficult decisions. Or perhaps your home care nurse that you wrote about who seemed so lovely. Maybe she could give you some insight or connect you with a helpful source. All in all, you'll make the best decisions you can with the information you have on hand. And that means there is no right and wrong decision. There is only love.

  4. I have never posted before but here are my thoughts: There will be no clean start when losing a mom. I think it would be wonderful for him to have you move with him. That will show him that you are a part of him and that it is okay to make new friends. It will also be peaceful for you to be able to be a part of the transition. I wish you much luck in your decision and I wish God would grant you a miracle.

  5. Jen...I'm sorry the pain is so horrible! I feel so bad for you...You have gone through so so much....I too am really wishing and praying for a miracle!! I really am. It just breaks my heart to even imagine Jack's life without you. I love what GailNHB said...just love your boys like there's no tomorrow...spend as much time as you can with them and wherever you can.

    I left you and David a comment on my blog regarding all the adoption lingo...I hope it helps :-) It's even confusing to me at times!

  6. Jen...I pray for you so often and like the others wish for you a miracle...selfishly, I cannot imagine a time when we are not able to hear your voice on this blog....ox

  7. I have no advice, only respect, and more respect. Your question immediately brought to mind a woman whose husband marshaled his fading strength and stamina to move their young family a couple of miles to what promised to be an initially strange community yet one that soon and long-term would be nurturing and supportive in ways that their then home would never be after his death from pancreatic cancer. Ten years later she continues to pay homage to his intuitive wisdom and gift of love.

  8. Hi Jen,
    Gosh, it's hard to say where to be - now you are in your home but I do agree that there's probably never a fresh start when you lose your mom, so perhaps it would be good for you to leave an impression/imprint on some of the new places that he'll be near when he's with David? I think it would be good for your soul too, to see that he's doing well in a new place and with new friends so that he does have a nice group of people and friends to support him. Ugh, it's just so hard to think about and even hard to type as I'd just like a miracle for you instead please!!
    I hope David enjoys his cricket and gets back soon... and that the pain you're having gets managed soon, too.
    Blessings to you and your boys,
    Cate in California

  9. Hi Jen,

    I am just praying for a miracle..No one should have to make these decsions... Oh so hard...

    Please right now rest and try and get some relief you will know whaen the time is right what to do. i think in your heart you already know what is right.

    you are a beautiful person, trust your instincts..they will lead you...

    Honey if the curtains don't get opened one day....No big deal hon....least you wont have to close them that night...

    Love and hugs

  10. My advice is to take care of yourself and spend tons of time with the boys and doing things you love. I think the stress of moving right now would just lessen your quality time with them in the moment. You seem happy where you are and that should count for something. I also think that a clean start would be best once you are gone. Do what you have in your soul to do...don't just do what you think you should do. Hugs Jen Praying for less pain (physical and emotional). Lisa L. I

  11. Jen, I would say if you are going to move, just make sure you have enough help and people to take care of things for you. Right now you need to be comfortable and not worrying about things! I think whatever decision you make will be the right one, like everyone here has said, what matters most is your love for your boys and that will always strengthen them. Love you dear xoxoxoxoxoxo

  12. Jen,

    I'm so sorry about the pain you are having to deal with.
    I pray for a miracle for you.
    As far as moving, what a tough decision. I honestly can't say what I feel would be best for Jack, because I'm just not sure. In some ways it would be good for you to be there for him when he makes the initial adjustment. On the other hand the home you & Jack have now is his home.
    You will make the right decision.
    Hugs, Dodie

  13. Jen,
    Follow your heart dear. I know that your heart speaks to you....I can hear it in your words. Ask for God's guidance. Take care of yourself too, and continue to shower your boys with your love. That will carry them through.
    Wishing a miracle for you my dear. Keep the faith.

  14. Jen, I think moving now when you can still build some new memories with Jack in a new home is a good idea. At least he will have made new friends and have time (hopefully a long time) to get used to his new home. I read your blog faithfully and am sending prayers that your pain lessens soon.

  15. I recently ran across yor blog and have thought about leaving a comment but haven't known what to say. The only thing that comes to mind with each post reading is "wow. that sucks." Perhaps that is all I can say.

    Based on your post on this date regarding moving. You had written:
    My reasons for considering the move in the first place still stand - Jack will have more than enough on his plate losing me let alone having to move and change schools. At least doing it now means I can help him get settled into a new school and a new town.

    I think you said it all yourself.

  16. Hi Jenn ~ When my husband passed away almost four years ago I tried to keep everything as normal and routine as possible with my boys who were almost 3, 8 and 12 at the time. If you establish those new routines before things get more difficult for you it will be, in my opinion, better for Jack. He'll have made new friends, gotten used to his new school, etc. I hope you plan on keeping your wonderful little pup if and when you move because they are very comforting and healing to children. As the comment above says, you said it all yourself. My boys have adjusted incredibly well and are growing up to be very "go with the flow" personalities. Just follow your gut, Jenn. It will tell you the right moves to make and when to make them. God bless ~ Wendy

  17. I think moving Jack ahead of time would be beneficial too. I think with you there it will be a comfort and help to get him settled. And when you pass it will be a place he will remember you being at and wanting to be at and perhaps that thought would help him continue settling in.

    Love you.

    Cindy in Canada

  18. Hi Jen. Sorry to hear you have so much pain. Just do what you can for now. The rest can wait.
    As for moving my thought is. Is to get Jack in a place where he is comfortable now. Then later will be established where he knows others.
    I had a friend when we were younger with advanced breast cancer. She was debating a move as well. It wasn't far. She had three children all young under the age of 8. They made a move to a new home. Not far from friends they knew and family as well. So when the time came they would have the support of those who cared. The kids adjusted due to that support. The other thing is no matter where you go your Boys will never forget Mom.
    One other thing is even if you don't make the move. I am sure those supporting you will be there for the them when the time comes.
    Follow you gut Jen. I am sure it will lead you in the best direction for you and the Boys.
    My thoughts and prayers are sure with you right now...Gentle Hugs Kerry.

  19. jen, you wouldn't be a mother if you didn't think these things facing what you do. life doesn't offer a guidebook for this stuff.
    keep on loving, hugging, kissing.
    take care of yourself. you will do the right thing.

  20. Gosh, so many hard decisions. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can't. But this I can do...I will be praying for you sweet friend. Praying for relief from your pain and praying that God will guide you in your decisions.

    Hugs sweet friend!

  21. I wish so much that someday your boys could have a clear start but I know you know that is not how it will work.

    For your youngest son and for your peace of mind, I think it's really worth looking at moving sooner rather than later. He'll need familiar things, places and people around him.

    Hugs to you from Texas.

  22. I hope a big pink cloud of love and refreshment landed at the end of your bed today Jen, that you have had a break from your heavy heart and have been able to enjoy yourself and your family. I am a big believer in instinct and time. Usually before too long the answer becomes clear.

  23. I cannot even see to type through my tears.
    No matter where you live Jen ~ yor boys will know how much you love them.
    You are just wonderful my friend.
    Sending you all the love in the world and the biggest hugs possible.
    love Tabitha XXXXX

  24. Jen,
    Can you actually move in with David? Is it practical? The logisitics of caring for you would be easier perhaps and the stress of being alone would be less for you and for David and ultimately for Jack. It must be less frightening knowing there is another adult in the house. You are very much in my thoughts xxx

  25. Dear, dear Jen. You know in your heart the right thing to do for your boys, now you just have to do it. The longer you wait, the harder it is going to be for each of you. God is speaking to you, and he has put the people in your life to help you. Do this while you still have some strength.

    Your little Jack knows that something is wrong even if you haven't spoken about it. Reach out to him, and give him all of your love. You will feel better if you let it out, and so will he. Take these steps that you know are right for Jack. You will be taking care of him. God is taking care of you.

  26. I think that you should do what is right for you. the children will want that for you too. You are so brave writing all this. I do hope that you find the right thing to do...

  27. Jen, I hope you've been able to bear through the weekend. What a great help David has been. It won't be long before he's back.

    My suggestion to you about moving is DO IT! My wonderful friend who died last year of cancer needed help 24/7 in her last months of life. She got to the point where she had to use a wheelchair because she couldn't walk.

    Even if you have a year or so of living to do--get Jack boy settled-in where he's going to spend the rest of his life.

    I'm sorry the pain has been so excruciating...we wish there were something we could do to help. Praying is about the most effective thing we can do for you. I pray God will take up your yoke and make your load light. (AND GIVE YOU A MIRACLE WHICH WOULD GIVE HIM THE GLORY!)

    Take care and hang in there--reinforcements are coming!!!

    Hug and a Smootch and a Prayer,

  28. Oh Jenni... not advice from me. Just prayer. I wish I could be there to help... You continue to blow me away with the open way you are moving forward.

    Praying peace...

  29. Sending love darling. You will know the right thing to do after you go and take a bit of time, sit on that beach and let the world slow down so that you can listen to your heart. love to you my gorgeous girl

  30. If it is good for you where you live now, and you have support, and good medical care (esp. the pain specialist), and the beach (which makes you happy), then there is certainly what to be said for staying where you are for as long as you can.

    On the other hand, you also have good reasons for moving.

    You can try to do what's "right," or you can try to feel what's right. One way is to make the decision with your brain, the other is with your heart.

    I know it sounds hokey, but maybe you want to try someone who will use guided imagery to help you figure out what your sould wants (and needs).

    Every decision has advantages and disadvantages.

    Do not forge that YOU are a legitimate part of the equation.

    You absolutely need to take into account the needs of your son. But you also need to take into account your own needs. If it is good for you, ultimately it will be good for your son. Let his memories of you be happy ones, filled with as many good times as you can squeeze in!

    Personally, I could not imagine moving, but that is because I moved over 3 years ago, and still have not unpacked! (so I might no be the best person to give advice about moving....)

    Sending you happy, loving, and nurturing energy!

  31. Dear Jen,

    I just cannot believe that it has come to this...and I am hoping for a miracle for you Jen. As for moving...I know you will do what is right for you and your family. Your boys could not ask for a better, more thoughtful Mama. Please know that you are always in my thoughts...every single day I think of you and wonder how you are doing. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.

    Your Friend,


  32. Jen, I was thinking of you and hope you are doing well.
    Sending my love and hugs to you & Jack.


  33. Where are you honey? We are all demented when you go quiet. I can't bear to imagine you in such insufferable pain that you cannot sit infront of your computer.
    I wish I were there to do your washing, make dinner for Jack and all those other jobs that just HAVE to be done. I hope that someone is doing these jobs for you xxxx

  34. Thinking of you Jen. Hope you are feeling okay. Hugs Lisa L.

  35. Jen

    I miss you girl! I hope you're feeling better and will be back to blogging soon.

    Praying for you.