There are different types of pain in this world, the physical pain that can have you writhing on the floor crying and sobbing waiting for it to lessen somewhat, thankfully there are medications you can take to help lessen the degree of this kind of chronic pain. Unfortunately they don't work right away and it can also take months to find the right dose, the right combination of drugs, all the while you are going quickly down hill as pain such as this wears you out and brings you down quickly.
Then there is another kind of pain, a kind of pain that no amount of medicine can fix, well, actually I guess I lie, there is a type or perhaps I should say a quantity of medicine that could fix this pain but in order to do so you would have to be made unconscious, in a sleep so deep that you didn't dream, couldn't think, couldn't feel and couldn't remember anything at all. This is the kind of pain I have been experiencing over the past forty eight hours. Thankfully I have only felt this pain in small doses, I seem to be protected from this mental anguish somewhat. Still when it does come, even in the small doses, it is crippling. It is every mothers nightmare.
Last night I didn't sleep well, most nights lately I don't. I tend to stay up all night and if I get tired I dose off but mainly I am awake. I don't like wasting time sleeping. I feel as though if I shut my eyes and just go to sleep it is such a waste of what I could be doing. I am sure this is to do with my cancer prognosis. Anyway, while I am awake thoughts just ebb and flow, I do try and let them come to me without attachment and without pattern or purpose. Last night came thoughts about how dying of cancer is in some ways a kinder way to leave those you love behind. It gives those we love time to come to terms with our demise well before it happens. I have even had my Mum remark that she feels she has been grieving whilst I am still alive. One of my close friends has said the same thing, in a sense. She says she has grieved already, she knows it will continue in fits and starts and she is sure that when I do finally pass she will grieve again but I have noticed how people seem to come to terms with their loss whilst the person with the illness is still alive and with them. I believe this is because they can think about it, as horrid as it is to think about the world without that particular person in it, they can think about it while safely knowing that the person is within touching distance or a phone call away. Then it came to me how children may not get this option of slowly grieving whilst the person they love is still alive. I think because we tend to protect them and want to shelter them from anything painful but I believe in cases like this, we are making it harder on them when the person does actually pass. They then must suffer shock and perhaps disbelief as well as grief and all the other emotions involved in losing someone, most especially a parent. So these were the kinds of thoughts that were going through my mind and of course I was wondering about Jack. I was wondering how on earth can I make this any easier on him, I would do anything but what would be the things that would help the most. Unfortunately I feel very impotent regarding what to do, there is not a lot I feel can help him when he is about to lose his entire world, his mother. Then I told myself to snap out of it and think what would be best for him and of course what would be best for him is time. Time to process it just as adults have and need. Time to ask questions and talk to the parent involved. Time to read books and mentally and emotionally prepare as much as possible. Anyway, I tormented myself most of the night with thoughts of this nature and then woke in the morning in my chair at my computer. I got up and was distracted for a while with the hustle and bustle of a school morning which David had in hand and I just helped a little (so nice). Then when they all left my nurse turned up. Now when I say my nurse, she is way more than just my nurse or than just a nurse. She is in charge of the entire District Nursing for the Peninsula. She works very closely with Brian (my pain specialist) and she is very involved with Hospice and the Palliative Care Unit. She has helped many, many families go through losing a parent. She has worked with the children and the parent left, she organizes the appropriate help both beforehand and afterward. So, she is an absolute Angel actually. Along with all of this she is one of the loveliest human beings you could ever hope to meet. A mum of three boys, a dog, a husband and a really broad cockney accent to boot! Just adorable.
She came in and settled herself down whilst I made tea. As I was making tea one of my very dear friends turned up in the middle of it so I made an extra cup and we all sat down. The interesting part of this story is that as we got chatting Michelle (nurse/Angel) very gently and quietly asked me to start talking to Jack about the fact that he was going to lose me. Isn't it strange that this had been going through my mind all the previous night and then she turned up and it is one of her priorities? The difference though, in hearing it from her and from imagining it in my brain for one day was incredible, a huge wave of nausea washed over me and then sat in my stomach like a ball. Michelle was talking to me and it sounded as though she were coming from far away. She started to explain to me how this was the kindest thing I could do for Jack and all the things that I new in my heart anyway.
Oh my God, the pain! I can't explain it to you. I am incredibly glad my friend was there, obviously that was meant to be! I am so fortunate that the pain only came every now and then and it didn't stay terribly long. Long enough to make me sick and make me think and sob but then it was as though someone or something just stepped in and took it away and I was numb to it. I am so glad for that because it is enough to make a person lose their mind.
I went to lay down with Jack that night, he was having trouble sleeping and needed soothing down and only wanted me as usual, so I went and laid next to him and he fell asleep. I looked at his beautiful, softly rounded cheek with his long, long black eyelashes resting on it, his rosy red lips slightly pouting, just him, just my Jack, my little boy, the love of my life and I know without a doubt that I am his. We are so tightly and closely bonded that it is frightening now knowing what I know. Even my friends who have children admit that they have not had a bond like Jack and I have with their children, not to quite that degree. Anyway to know all of this and more and to gaze upon him in the darkness and know I have to shatter his world apart now whilst I am still here to help fix it again a little bit, rather than have it shattered for him when I am not here to make it a bit easier to stand. Suffice to say, I cannot go to bed anymore and lay there before sleep claims me because that is when I think the most and it is too painful, so I get up and I keep occupied, then I get on the computer and eventually I just fall asleep at the desk and I stay there the entire night and I am glad because it has protected me from the thoughts that go on inside my head.
There is so much more I could say about this and I am sorry if what I have written is all over the place, I just know I wanted to get it all down somehow and I didn't want to have to perfect it to much. I am very glad to have my blog and all of you to write too in order to get it out a bit. They say writing things out is very healing so that is something I can do and I enjoy doing all the more because I have all of you, my beautiful blog family, to read what I have written. As I started to say, there is so much more I could write about this but I will leave it here for now and I can always post again as I feel the need to. I do just want to let you know that I will be telling Jack very, very slowly. I will be getting advice from counselors and I will be reading books first and also buying and reading suitable books for Jack. I will be so very careful of his emotions of course. The biggest test for me during this period will be trying not to break down. My mothers instinct is to grab my child tightly to me and tell him everything will be alright, mummy is here for him and always will be and I have to do the opposite, it goes against every instinct I have and yet if I don't do it, he will suffer more when I go and when I'm gone. I just can't believe it's come to this, there is another entire post on that, on how I just cannot believe how quickly I am losing to this (gosh I want to swear badly here but I won't) cancer, it is a formidable opponent but apparently I have given it a run for it's money, I have fought hard and have made it far longer than doctors would have imagined, so I am glad of that, at least Jack will know that I fought so damn hard and it was because of how much I loved him and Jamie. There is another post there too about poor Jamie, that is another entire lot of problems right there but for now I must finish up somewhere and it will be here. Please keep your prayers coming, mostly for Jack and Jamie, they are going to need God's help so very much. Love you all, more soon. xxxx