Monday, 27 October 2008

Heartbreaking Times...


There are different types of pain in this world, the physical pain that can have you writhing on the floor crying and sobbing waiting for it to lessen somewhat, thankfully there are medications you can take to help lessen the degree of this kind of chronic pain. Unfortunately they don't work right away and it can also take months to find the right dose, the right combination of drugs, all the while you are going quickly down hill as pain such as this wears you out and brings you down quickly.

Then there is another kind of pain, a kind of pain that no amount of medicine can fix, well, actually I guess I lie, there is a type or perhaps I should say a quantity of medicine that could fix this pain but in order to do so you would have to be made unconscious, in a sleep so deep that you didn't dream, couldn't think, couldn't feel and couldn't remember anything at all. This is the kind of pain I have been experiencing over the past forty eight hours. Thankfully I have only felt this pain in small doses, I seem to be protected from this mental anguish somewhat. Still when it does come, even in the small doses, it is crippling. It is every mothers nightmare.

Last night I didn't sleep well, most nights lately I don't. I tend to stay up all night and if I get tired I dose off but mainly I am awake. I don't like wasting time sleeping. I feel as though if I shut my eyes and just go to sleep it is such a waste of what I could be doing. I am sure this is to do with my cancer prognosis. Anyway, while I am awake thoughts just ebb and flow, I do try and let them come to me without attachment and without pattern or purpose. Last night came thoughts about how dying of cancer is in some ways a kinder way to leave those you love behind. It gives those we love time to come to terms with our demise well before it happens. I have even had my Mum remark that she feels she has been grieving whilst I am still alive. One of my close friends has said the same thing, in a sense. She says she has grieved already, she knows it will continue in fits and starts and she is sure that when I do finally pass she will grieve again but I have noticed how people seem to come to terms with their loss whilst the person with the illness is still alive and with them. I believe this is because they can think about it, as horrid as it is to think about the world without that particular person in it, they can think about it while safely knowing that the person is within touching distance or a phone call away. Then it came to me how children may not get this option of slowly grieving whilst the person they love is still alive. I think because we tend to protect them and want to shelter them from anything painful but I believe in cases like this, we are making it harder on them when the person does actually pass. They then must suffer shock and perhaps disbelief as well as grief and all the other emotions involved in losing someone, most especially a parent. So these were the kinds of thoughts that were going through my mind and of course I was wondering about Jack. I was wondering how on earth can I make this any easier on him, I would do anything but what would be the things that would help the most. Unfortunately I feel very impotent regarding what to do, there is not a lot I feel can help him when he is about to lose his entire world, his mother. Then I told myself to snap out of it and think what would be best for him and of course what would be best for him is time. Time to process it just as adults have and need. Time to ask questions and talk to the parent involved. Time to read books and mentally and emotionally prepare as much as possible. Anyway, I tormented myself most of the night with thoughts of this nature and then woke in the morning in my chair at my computer. I got up and was distracted for a while with the hustle and bustle of a school morning which David had in hand and I just helped a little (so nice). Then when they all left my nurse turned up. Now when I say my nurse, she is way more than just my nurse or than just a nurse. She is in charge of the entire District Nursing for the Peninsula. She works very closely with Brian (my pain specialist) and she is very involved with Hospice and the Palliative Care Unit. She has helped many, many families go through losing a parent. She has worked with the children and the parent left, she organizes the appropriate help both beforehand and afterward. So, she is an absolute Angel actually. Along with all of this she is one of the loveliest human beings you could ever hope to meet. A mum of three boys, a dog, a husband and a really broad cockney accent to boot! Just adorable.

She came in and settled herself down whilst I made tea. As I was making tea one of my very dear friends turned up in the middle of it so I made an extra cup and we all sat down. The interesting part of this story is that as we got chatting Michelle (nurse/Angel) very gently and quietly asked me to start talking to Jack about the fact that he was going to lose me. Isn't it strange that this had been going through my mind all the previous night and then she turned up and it is one of her priorities? The difference though, in hearing it from her and from imagining it in my brain for one day was incredible, a huge wave of nausea washed over me and then sat in my stomach like a ball. Michelle was talking to me and it sounded as though she were coming from far away. She started to explain to me how this was the kindest thing I could do for Jack and all the things that I new in my heart anyway.

Oh my God, the pain! I can't explain it to you. I am incredibly glad my friend was there, obviously that was meant to be! I am so fortunate that the pain only came every now and then and it didn't stay terribly long. Long enough to make me sick and make me think and sob but then it was as though someone or something just stepped in and took it away and I was numb to it. I am so glad for that because it is enough to make a person lose their mind.

I went to lay down with Jack that night, he was having trouble sleeping and needed soothing down and only wanted me as usual, so I went and laid next to him and he fell asleep. I looked at his beautiful, softly rounded cheek with his long, long black eyelashes resting on it, his rosy red lips slightly pouting, just him, just my Jack, my little boy, the love of my life and I know without a doubt that I am his. We are so tightly and closely bonded that it is frightening now knowing what I know. Even my friends who have children admit that they have not had a bond like Jack and I have with their children, not to quite that degree. Anyway to know all of this and more and to gaze upon him in the darkness and know I have to shatter his world apart now whilst I am still here to help fix it again a little bit, rather than have it shattered for him when I am not here to make it a bit easier to stand. Suffice to say, I cannot go to bed anymore and lay there before sleep claims me because that is when I think the most and it is too painful, so I get up and I keep occupied, then I get on the computer and eventually I just fall asleep at the desk and I stay there the entire night and I am glad because it has protected me from the thoughts that go on inside my head.

There is so much more I could say about this and I am sorry if what I have written is all over the place, I just know I wanted to get it all down somehow and I didn't want to have to perfect it to much. I am very glad to have my blog and all of you to write too in order to get it out a bit. They say writing things out is very healing so that is something I can do and I enjoy doing all the more because I have all of you, my beautiful blog family, to read what I have written. As I started to say, there is so much more I could write about this but I will leave it here for now and I can always post again as I feel the need to. I do just want to let you know that I will be telling Jack very, very slowly. I will be getting advice from counselors and I will be reading books first and also buying and reading suitable books for Jack. I will be so very careful of his emotions of course. The biggest test for me during this period will be trying not to break down. My mothers instinct is to grab my child tightly to me and tell him everything will be alright, mummy is here for him and always will be and I have to do the opposite, it goes against every instinct I have and yet if I don't do it, he will suffer more when I go and when I'm gone. I just can't believe it's come to this, there is another entire post on that, on how I just cannot believe how quickly I am losing to this (gosh I want to swear badly here but I won't) cancer, it is a formidable opponent but apparently I have given it a run for it's money, I have fought hard and have made it far longer than doctors would have imagined, so I am glad of that, at least Jack will know that I fought so damn hard and it was because of how much I loved him and Jamie. There is another post there too about poor Jamie, that is another entire lot of problems right there but for now I must finish up somewhere and it will be here. Please keep your prayers coming, mostly for Jack and Jamie, they are going to need God's help so very much. Love you all, more soon. xxxx

50 comments:

  1. Dear Dear Jen
    I can't not even imagine what you are going through but just know that you are an amazing woman and mother and your boys will always have that part of you. We all have those sick feelings in our stomach from time to time when we are most vulnerable and at a lose. Your love and grace will help guide them to be the men that they are meant to be. Children are a gift we give to a generation we will not see, and yours will always have your strength, determination and love. ALWAYS!!
    Use this time to be with them, give them your guidance and love and mostly the gift of yourself (as you always have) Be strong as you always have been, use the help that you are geeting and take this time to Write them letters, memories, leave them the inner most part of you!!
    You are all in our prayers!!
    Nicky from Canada

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jen-
    I hope you know just how strong you are and more importantly that your son Jack will inherit that inner strength that you show everyday you are here. He is young and much of this won't make sense to him now, but he will grow up knowing all these wonderful qualities about you....especially your love for him. I read an earlier post about Jamie leaving his Dad's house to come home and be with you...knowing that was where he should be at that moment...Your sons are younger versions of you!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Jenn, know that you are doing the right thing for Jack, even if it is so unbearably painful. I cannot begin to grasp what you are all going through but I sense that your boys will always know your love and bravery. Love, Susie

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sweet Jen, my heart is breaking for you. I have grown so fond of you and care so deeply about you.

    You are doing the right thing as you prepare Jack. He is so young to have to deal with this situation, but with the help of the counselors you can help Jack. You know in your heart that Jack & Jamie both know and will always know how very much you love them.

    Jen you are a remarkably strong woman and I admire you so much.

    Hugs,
    Dodie

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't even think of what to say except to say GOD BLESS YOU as you continue your journey. GOD BLESS YOUR sons as they step out into their futures. Blessings to you all. Lynn in Texas

    ReplyDelete
  6. As you help your sons to grieve, I hope that you also find support for your own grief. We grieve with you, dear Jen. And we carry your pain with us, so that you can feel less of it. But we also know full well that only you know what it's like to be you. This is the joy and tragedy of life, I think. Sending you much love...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jen
    I am brand new to your blog, and spent the weekend reading it from the very beginning. I recognize the incredible bond you have with Jack, as I have it with my sons as well. One of my greatest worries has always been "What if something happens to me?" Nobody will every love my sons the way I do. Nobody will every know their souls as I do. So I just want you to know that I understand your heartbreak for Jack. He is so young to have to go through a loss like this. Maybe it would it be (a tiny bit) helpful to try thinking about what his life will be like in 5 years, in 10 years, and as an adult. Losing you will be devastating, and it will be a difficult road for him for a long time. But, after a while, he'll stop crying everyday. At some point, he'll begin to laugh and have fun again. He will always miss you, but eventually, he'll be able to think of you and smile, instead of cry.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Jen, There really are no words, but I pray for you and your boys each and every day. May you find the strength to continue on this journey, loving your boys, finding ways to share with Jack this dreadful news. He is a much loved little boy, he will never forget your love. He will have your written word and your beautiful scrapbooks to cherish for all of his days, each full of reminders of your beauty and your love. Anne in Virginia

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jen, I've been a longtime lurker and reader of your blog. You've fought this so hard and are a MASSIVE inspiration to me. I know that even when you're gone, the bond you've built with Jack will remain and give him comfort. There are tough times ahead for you all I know, and I just wanted to say that I am praying for you with all my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Jen,

    I have such a lump in my throat right now after reading this post...
    I know that Jack and Jaime with always know that they have the most amazing mother. My heart goes out to you in preparing Jack for what lies ahead...as always I am thinking of you.

    Your Friend,

    Annie

    ReplyDelete
  11. The feeling in your stomach jen, that is what I'm feeling right now in mine after reading your post. Just a sick, sad feeling in my stomach. Almost a feeling of panic for you. Yet, you are so strong, so amazing, so calm. So in control to be able to sit down and put your thoughts together for us as you do. I will keep praying friend. Continuous prayer for you Jen. You're amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Jen,

    I'm praying every day for God's grace and love to sustain you. You are amazing and Jack and Jamie are so lucky to have you as a mother. It sounds as though you've given them more love in the years you've shared with them than lots of people ever receive. I think it would be a wonderful gift to Jack to archive this blog so that when he's older he can hear his mum's courageous story in her own words.

    May you find all the courage and wisdom you need. love, Amber

    ReplyDelete
  13. Jen-
    You've been on my mind and in my heart and prayers. I've been following your beautiful, honest, full of life blog for some time but have had trouble being able to post. I will keep praying for you all. Read the 23 Psalm... I send all my love to you Amazing Jen. JPB
    vintgebyhart.typepad.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Jen ,
    I Just want to let you know how proud I am of you. You are an amazing strong and beautiful person.. Your boys are going to carry on your beautiful spirt and encompass everything that you have taught them to be...
    I have no advice but i do have on thing i want you to do. Make sure you get this blog of yours made into a book for the boys.... In there older years they can read this and find comfort in it.. You should be very proud of the men you have made. They are strong and you have built them that way, you gave them the foundation and they will be able to carry this little peice of you and take comfort in this when times will be tough for them...

    Take care beautiful girl. Get some rest and know we are all here praying and thinking of you and your beautiful family...

    Sarah M

    ReplyDelete
  15. Jen,
    Here are just a few of my thoughts while reading this...
    I think we all can learn to love our children like this, not only in the face of death, but everyday because we really never know when the day will come for us. Life is such a gift, isn't it? And yours will always be a gift to your boys and to those who love you, no matter how short the time or badly the pain of losing you causes. You have been a gift to so many here too and will continue to be for a long, long time to come. The impact of your life will be felt for a long time and to many who will never hear your name.
    I wish you'd be more kind to your body and let it rest properly. I can understand your reasons as you explain them, but I wish you'd get some proper rest. Maybe that would enhance the quality of the time you have with your boys? Just concerned about you...
    I'm so thankful for your nurse. She very surely must be an angel.
    My heart wills gentleness and so much love to be sent your way. And some rest a peace would be nice too.
    Take care sweet soul.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You are a rock star. Seriously, what an amazing woman you are. Thanks so much for sharing your story. You and your family are in my daily prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Jen - they will hurt; how can they not? But you must tell them that the degree to which they hurt, is the degree to which they have been fortunate enough to be loved and love. I will pray that you find the words and that their little souls find peace in all of it. Hugs Lisa L

    ReplyDelete
  18. you are a very prolific writer...write something for your children, something they can read in the future to comfort them. god bless you in your journey and god bless your children and family.

    cindy

    ReplyDelete
  19. dearest Jen....I so often think of you and how knowing you has put so many of my silly little problems into perspective...My kids are grown now and I have grandbabies and I wish that I could give you the gift of just a few more years ...you SO richly deserve that~! Please know that your children will carry your amazing strength and courage with them all their lives, of that I am sure.

    I send my love and prayers...

    Sue from Spokane WA

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dear Jen,

    As always there is so much love and wisdom in your post and in the comments of those before me. May you find some comfort in knowing that those who remain will keep your boys in prayer long after you have said your final good-byes. You have shown them how to live well, and now you will leave them the gift of showing them how to die well. That may sound harsh to some, but I think you understand what I mean. As you have discovered, "dying of cancer is in some ways a kinder way to leave those you love behind." I lost both of my parents slowly. I know it was difficult for them in many ways, but it gave everyone time to say good-bye and that was a blessing. It was a bittersweet time, but, by the grace of God, a time full of love and at times even peace and joy.

    I don't know if I've mentioned before that I am a volunteer with Hospice. I learned about a book for children dealing with grief through them. It is called, Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss. Even though it is written for children I have given it to several adults who have lost a loved one. You should be able to order it from Amazon.com, but I would be more than happy to send it to you. Just send me your address if you'd like. You can get my email address off the link to my blog.

    My heartfelt prayer for you is that you will not walk through this valley alone, but fully aware of God's presence and grace.

    {{{Hugs}}},
    Debbie

    29 October 2008 15:30

    ReplyDelete
  21. What a wonderful mother you are. What a heartbreaking thing you have to do. I will keep you and Jack in my prayers as you go through this most difficult of tasks.

    You have given Jack so very much, and the most important thing of all is the gift of loving so very much. Bless you.

    ~ Judy from Mothers With Cancer

    ReplyDelete
  22. Jen I wanted to add something. A woman in our neighbourhood died last year from breast cancer. She left an almost 2 year old and 6 year old. The neighbours bought 3 gold medallions. Hers had a picture of her two children's faces etched in it (from a photograph). She wore it from that day forward and took it to Heaven with her. The childrens' had a photo of her on it. They could wear it and have her near them always. Just an idea that I wanted to pass along. Lisa L.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Dear Jen,
    What can I say? I'm trying to walk in your shoes and it is really, really hard, very hard. I am a natural believer in life after death. I've been told that parents that pass away become protective guardians of their children leading them in their process of life on earth. It is a fact related in many spiritual books about life after death (body death). Death is a transformation, we left this material body and enter in the field of the spirit and spirit is the most important thing we have. God is generous. We must allow generosity to come into our lives. It means allow us to die and awake in the spiritual world. We can't fight death because it is the most certain thing that is going to happen to us sooner or later. To everybody! We must be prepared or try to be. Jesus gave us the example and the certainty of life after death.
    Hope to confort you with the words i can and with the feelings i can send to you. Pray to your guardian angel, He is always embrancing and protecting you.
    Lots of Love to you and the boys.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Dear Jenni,

    Your blog is so important for so many of us who read it, since you write with compassion and also without any sort of pretense or evasiveness. Being in the presence of courage and open-ness such as yours is a huge privilege. We are all moved, and all made stronger by you.

    It is, I feel, time for you to speak with Jack, perhaps in the same way as you write for us. That will not be easy, but he deserves to know what's happening directly from you, as far as possible. In addition I think you might well want to preserve the pages of your blog, perhaps as physical printed pages, so that Jack will be able to read, again, in years to come the words you share with us. Technologies change, but that shouldn't mean he has to lose the record of your astonishing spirit as you face this difficult time. He'll want to read your words when he has his own challenges later in life (because we'll all have those challenges) and he'll be able to draw strength from you that way. The gift of your great soul that is so easily available to us deserves to be available for him, when he's ready for it.

    I continue to pray for your recovery, and I'm aware that recovery is not certain. Yet Jack can be immensely strengthened by your loving actions now. He has an incredible mother. He will need to know that all his life.

    Allan Hunter

    ReplyDelete
  25. As you tell Jack, what will be so wonderful is that you will be able to hug him, hold him, cry with him. He can tell you how much he loves you and will miss you and you can do the same. You can be with him while he tries to understand. He can also start dialogues will his dad about it.

    Love you.

    Cindy in Canada

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi Jen,

    Any mother can understand what a difficult thing it is for you to do. I have 4 children all 12 and under, and I can't even begin to imagine having to share this type of news with them. But you are so right that it is much better to prepare them for what's to happen than to leave them with utter shock. I will be praying for you to have the right words and I will also pray that you get some good rest. I do not like to think of you being exhausted right now because you really need rest and strength. God Bless you!

    Love, Kim

    ReplyDelete
  27. Jennie, I am supporting you in all that you have written. You do not write all over the place at all. Your thoughts flow very well, and I can feel all of your emotion. I know that you will find just the right way to tell Jack, and, as you say, it will be better if you slowly tell him now and can be there to support you little man though the grief of losing his mother.
    Sending you love this day,
    Ruthie from California

    ReplyDelete
  28. Darling Jen,
    Here I am again to thank you for posting in my blog. It is always comfortable to hear from you my sweet friend.
    Sending Love

    ReplyDelete
  29. Jen,

    I pray that you experience God's supernatural peace and grace through this journey and pray that God gives you the perfect words and timing for this very difficult step.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Jen:
    Prayers and hugs and kisses and anything you need are coming your way from PA. You are such an amazing woman and I feel you are doing the right thing. As much as it sucks, I think helping Jack go thru this now, is the right thing to do. It won't be such a shock to him, on top of you not being there. He now has the opportunity to ask you questions and say and do different things with you or for you.
    I pray for the right words to come to you during this. You are so incredible, you will find the right ones...

    Love,
    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  31. Dear Jen,

    You and your family are in my prayers. I pray you find the strength to tell your son all the things you need him to know, and I pray for him the understanding he needs.

    I give you a present from my daughter. If you look in my profile there is an audio clip. It is her voice, and at the very end, you can hear her giggle. Some of my friends on the pulmonary hypertension board said her giggle is therapeutic; for some of them it helped to lighten the pain. I do not know if it will help you any, except perhaps to make your day a little brighter to hear her voice.

    If you find she helps you, I give you my permission to download the clip and listen to it all you want.

    *great big hugs*

    Love,
    Ann

    ReplyDelete
  32. Dearest Jenni-
    There are no words--only love.
    My dear friend-Jack is such a lucky boy to have been loved so deeply and to have been able to forge such a bond with his mother. You have given him an immense gift which will serve him all through his life--in his relationships, with his partners, his relationship with his own children should he have them. I know that this fact does not take away any of pain but perhaps knowing it can keep you strong. I love you dearest one
    xoxoxox
    Meg

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh, Jen.

    Tears and prayers and lots of love from Colorado.

    Emily.

    ReplyDelete
  34. My heart is indeed breaking for you. I am struggling with words...I guess I want to say that you are a hero and a wonderful mom and I really wish that none of this were happening. xoxo Laurie (from Moms with Cancer)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hey there, Jen. My heart, too, goes out to you, my friend. Being the responsible and loving parent you are, God will guide your steps and words in speaking with your sweet boy Jack.

    I think what Jack needs more than anything is to know death is not the end for us who are in Christ. Explain to him that Jesus was the "Perfect Lamb of God" who died for our sin and after the third day, rose from the grave defeating death.

    In His death and resurrection, Jesus has given us EVERLASTING LIFE and so though you may pass from this life, you will pass into eternity completely healed and in the presence of God Almighty.

    AND YOU AND JACK WILL BE REUNITED AGAIN ONE DAY!!!!!! That IS God's promise, Jen! And we have to cling to the hope in Christ who intercedes for us--like a bridge to God. Jack needs that hope too and the peace in knowing Jesus Christ who gives us peace when chaos and calamity surrounds us. He IS Light in the darkness.

    You've been the best mom to Jamie and Jack, Jen. God will never leave you or forsake you (or them). He has a plan for your family, and they will go on to live fruitful and happy lives knowing your lives will come together again through Jesus Christ.

    Love you, girl. Fight the good fight. You are blessed.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I remember the vulnerability I felt when my son was young, how I protected myself in order to protect him. And with this simple knowledge, I feel the ache of your situation. I am so sorry you must confront this reality, but I am grateful you received that small nudge of help that hopefully can aid you.

    Hugs to you all...

    ReplyDelete
  37. Jen,
    I am in awe of your bravery and love for your child. You are so amazing. Please know that I am praying for you and your family. And remember that God has the last word... not the doctors. I can't imagine what you are feeling, but I know that Jack will be ok because of you.
    Sending you love,
    Hugs,
    Rose

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hi Jen,

    I just found you through another blog I read, and what immediately grabbed me was that your son's name is Jack, and that you're so very close to him. My youngest - my baby - is named Jack, and my heart broke and my stomach lurched just reading what you wrote. I truly feel for you and am praying for all of you.

    Stay strong, mama *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hey Jenni B,

    You are my sister in cancer, my friend in the blogosphere, my hero in real life. You have such strength and grace and authenticity, and I admire you deeply for those characteristics.

    You also are one of the most devoted, committed parents on the planet. Your boys have a strong foundation, one that you have carefully and deliberately constructed for them. That foundation will always be there, providing solid support in a difficult world.

    My heart is quite literally breaking that you have to shoulder this emotional and physical pain. I only recently began praying again, Jenni, but my prayer for you is that God will hold you close and comfort you and your boys, your mom, your ex, and everyone else whose lives are blessed by knowing you.

    Much love to you my friend.

    Jill

    ReplyDelete
  40. OH GOD please come quickly to us!
    Wrap yourself around this family.
    OH GOD..please.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hi Jen,
    Oh, big tears for you and the bunches of pain you're having to experience now - both physically and emotionally. I'm glad that Michelle is there for you and that you're able to figure out how best to help Jack thru this struggle. I was just thinking about how lovely it will be for Jack and Jamie to be able to read your blog one day down the road and to see just how much love you have and had for them - truly a gift itself. That's not to mention the beautiful albums you have too! Lucky boys, really.
    I'm wishing and hoping and praying for a miracle still. And in the meantime, may the pain disappear.
    All my best,
    Cate in California

    ReplyDelete
  42. You have my love... I am at a loss for words...

    ReplyDelete
  43. Oh Jen! You are amazing. You are strong. Stronger than you even know.

    Thanks for your honesty and for allowing us all here in The Land of Blog to be a part of your life. You are helping many by being so up front

    You WILL get through this difficult time and you WILL know when and where and how to help Jack and Jamie. I'm so glad you have your angel Michelle to help you.

    You're in my prayers sweet friend.

    Hugs!
    Kat

    ReplyDelete
  44. lots of loving, powerful words for an incredible, inspiring woman. I hope your thoughts have found a place to rest, you are rested and feeling comfortable, able to enjoy today and keep well for as long as possible. You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. xox

    ReplyDelete
  45. Dear Jen
    Just sending you and your boys extra prayers and blessings.
    Nicky from Canada

    ReplyDelete
  46. Hey Jen,

    What a hard post -- for you to write, for me to read.

    I have often thought about that aspect, that our loved ones have a chance to let us go, even as we are still here.

    I am particularly terrified about the pain that comes at the end.

    I did not have pain in the beginning, but I have pain now. It started out as a small, dull pain. I now take mild pain killers all the time. The type and quantity are slowly and steadily on the rise.

    I find myself thinking, If I am going to live with this for years, they need to find a way for the pain to stop getting worse....

    Anyway, don't want to burden you with my issues. Though if you have any insights, I'd love if you could send them to me via email (coffeeandchemo@gmail.com)

    My prayers are with you, for strength, love, support, comfort, and peace.

    With love,
    RivkA

    ReplyDelete
  47. thank you for being so open. you are brave. i cannot be this brave.

    i talk to my kids all the time about death and their parents' time on earth. i remind them always that we will see each other again.

    i don't know how much time i have been given on earth. but i like you, even though not fighting an illness, still kiss my child's cheeks and hope and pray for their future.


    you are being thought of thousands of miles away.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Heartrending.

    Thinking of you and your two Js.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I have been praying for you,Jack and Jamie. My heart is so sad for you. You are such an inspiration Jen!!....to so many people across the world!!! I have to say I can feel the love David has for Jack and Jamie...and that warms my heart. I enjoyed reading his updates while you were in the hospital. He seems like a very kind gentleman.....you made me chuckle as you were describing his feelings towards you :-) Keeping you, David, and the boys in my thoughts and prayers.....still praying for a miracle!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Dearest Jen...my Momma heart aches for you and what you are going through with your darling boys.

    You are so very wise to help him with this now....hugs, love and prayers to you from Canada.
    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete