Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Recluse...

I have an apology first. It's simply to say sorry for not posting more regularly lately. I have been experiencing a most bizarre phenomenon with time recently, it keeps disappearing on me! Really, I know it sounds funny and everyone is thinking 'yeah me too', but I mean I have actually lost sense of time. I can have hours go by and feel as though it is maybe a half hour. I don't know if there is an actual name for this or a term or if it is just me and some peculiar affect of having cancer. My days really feel as though they are so short, really short. It must be because I am unwell and I don't see myself as unwell in my head. You know when you picture yourself in your own mind, you have a certain way of seeing yourself. I am always well. Not only well but full of vitality, strong and fit and capable. It is so strange and sad for me when I look at myself as I really am. I have to take a nap each and every day because I get so worn out. I have to take enormous amounts of pain medication at least twice a day because the pain gets so bad. I can't hide it, it's too big, so if anyone is here they hear me puffing and moaning, seriously it is that painful. So that probably takes up two hours at a time when it hits, from the beginning to the end. Then, say, two hours for the nap, there's four hours of my day just gone. Then there are the times when I just have to sit down for a few minutes because I hurt, or I'm tired, or whatever. All in all it is taking a huge chunk out of my day and I am feeling the effects of that. There are people, dear friends, that I haven't written to, haven't called, haven't visited. People I adore and I feel as though I never find time to phone and talk with them. There is always so much I have to do, or should do, or am doing. Oh, I forgot to throw the pup into the equation, he is time consuming too. I have to take him out to the yard every half hour to do his business, every time he eats or drinks, every time he wakes from a sleep, then I have to spend time playing with him to burn off some of the endless energy he has. Then there is the cuddle time which I do when I'm taking my nap, he sleeps on my lap on the chair with me. So, if there is anyone reading this who is feeling neglected, unloved, pissed off with me, please try and understand that all this is new to me too. I will eventually get my time managed better it's just that this has all happened in the last 6 weeks or so I guess, I have noticed things sliding, things I just haven't had time to do yet. It frightens me and I don't want to admit that this cancer is taking it's toll on me but it is inside my body and I guess it would make a body tired. I just hate to see that image of myself, someone who has to take a nap, pills, rest, pain, etc, it just doesn't sit well with how I see/saw myself. Time to get real though, and it's okay that I need this extra rest time, it is only natural, I just have to try and divide up my time a little better. I also need to reach out for some extra help too. I have reached out to mum recently but unfortunately she has been unwell herself so I got snowed under. My friend Lee came over a few times and cooked and helped me out a bit so that was good. Also, in a surprising turn of events, my sister has been quite helpful, the one that wasn't talking to me, remember? Well, she sent me a few emails a while back and basically I didn't agree with what she said in them but they made her feel better. I didn't address them in the end but lo and behold, she turned up on my doorstep out of the blue, while I was on the phone to Meg do you believe, Meg my friend Meg, you know...so I said to Meg that she was here but we didn't hang up right away and kept talking. After we did hang up, I found my sister in the lounge with my puppy on her lap, she brought me some home made soup and was just lovely to me in general. I decided, for the moment at least, to let bygones be bygones and just try and repair our relationship a bit. Maybe we can get to a place where we can talk about some issues and maybe not. All I know at the moment, is that it felt okay to just sort of let it go for a while and start building. She has been by a few times now and each time has been kind and thoughtful, so a good start to repairing our relationship anyway.

So, all in all, I just want you all to know that I am okay but I'm just experiencing some of the affects of being ill. I just can't do all the things I want to do. I can't do all the things I need to do. I am going to be largely dependent on other peoples support for the rest of my life. That is a difficult picture to subscribe too but there you have the truth of it. Anyway I was going to tell you all about Jack's birthday in this post too but I've gone on too long already so I'll do another post about that one, suffice to say, it was a wonderful occasion. Take care all, of yourselves and each other.

What I'm Grateful For Today:

I am grateful for the gift of language.
For Otis.
For sunshine.
For Amusement Parks.
For decency.
For civility.
For warm toast and honey.

22 comments:

  1. Oh dear Jill - Wouldn't it be wonderful if all your friends in blogland lived close enough to lend a hand? *sigh*
    At least we will be here to lend an ear anytime you feel up to posting :D

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  2. Recognizing, accepting, and then honoring the limitations imposed on us ... then finding some unique and creative ways of even celebrating and laughing in the face of those things that loom as unpleasant and undesired ... is exhausting. You have done so very well in this quest. And i am always moved to loving admiration and compassion by your constancy in Spirit and Soul. I have not felt compelled to explain my absences from you as I deal with my old nemesis, chronic depression ... because I am confident in your awareness of my unflagging love of and endearment to You. I am thrilled that Life has introduced us to each other. For your magnificent love and wickedly wonderful sense of humor are an unending source of joy for my Soul. In a word ... I REALLY like you [smile].

    Consider us as sharing a platter of warm toast and honey ... RIGHT NOW.

    I love You, Jen Darlin'.

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  3. Oh, as always, so honest. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and transitions. I always say this, but you are shouldering so much. I just hope you can release from the need to please others. How can people be expecting more of you???

    I wish good wishes could alleviate the pain...

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  4. I am SO happy that you had that pleasant visit with your sister. I could hear the happiness in your words. My wish is that you will have tons of help so you can concentrate on the things that bring you joy. (I also wish I could be of some help but alas I am in New England!) Love. Susie

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  5. I am glad to read that you have had a reunion with your sister. It is good that you are taking it slowly, one visit and conversation and bowl of soup at a time. Good for you.

    The one thing that saddens me is the fact that you feel like you need to apologize to your readers and followers out here in blog-world. Your top priority, dear one, is to take the best care of yourself and your sons that you can. We can wait. We will wait. You can rest assured that you are not forgotten or ignored - and that you are being loved, thought of, and prayed for from afar.

    Peace and rest be yours.

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  6. So great to hear from you, Jenni! And what good news that your sister has come to visit. I'm sure she loves you dearly. I'm so impressed, as always, with your loving spirit and your ability to let things go and be in the moment. So wise. Rest is good when we're unwell—it's when and how the body heals. How sweet that little Otis is with you in the chair! I love that you do not see yourself as unwell. Sending good wishes and healing energy always, and love!

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  7. I'm so glad your sister has reached out and you have accepted her. Otis sounds lovely. Enjoy what you can and don't worry about blogging ... when you feel like it is often enough. Lots of people are thinking about you and sending warm thoughts your way!

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  8. your sister is the one who is benefiting from your kindness, not that you are alone benefiting from her generosity. it is a big heart to say let's let bygones be bygones.
    (i love warm toast and honey) but i like it with bread. with love and best regards.

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  9. eh, i meant butter. i like warm toast and honey with butter. (i know toast is bread, ha, ha. silly me.)

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  10. Hi Jen,

    I am so glad to read that your sister came to visit and that you both are talking. Dont worry about posting regularly...I think your readers are here for you no matter what or when you post...I know I am. Cant wait to read details of Jack's party..

    Sending you a hug...

    Annie

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  11. Sending soft wings
    of peace
    my friend,

    to enfold you
    and those you love,

    Love and light, Maithri

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  12. Please don't think you have to apologize to us for your feelings - you are a strong person and you WILL get thru this. You really inspire me. I wish I was there to help and to listen.
    I pray for you daily.

    Nancy in North Carolina (USA)

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  13. I just pass by to say hello and give you some support. Always thinking of you dear Jenni. It's good to know your sister has come along to see you. It's really good news.
    Sending love
    Bete

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  14. Jen,

    I'm been worried about you since you hadn't posted for awhile. I'm sorry to hear you have been having a tough time. I wish I lived somewhere near you so I could help you and Jack.

    I have the same type of cancer as you do. I know how much cancer sucks.

    Take care and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs, Dodie

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  15. Jeni -

    I think of you often and carry you in my heart and prayers. Thanks for checking in. You are so special

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  16. Jen, do not apologise for not posting - there is no need. Maybe losing time is your bodies way of giving you a break. You need rest. And help - so tell me what you want done - you have my number.
    The past is past and nothing will change that -now you have the chance for a new relationship with your sister and that is wonderful. Will email you tonight.
    Love and prayers
    K xx

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  17. I came over from John-Michael's blog. It is amazing that you are going through a tough time but you are still able to have gratitude. Keep taking the time that you need for yourself. XO

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  18. Thinking about you :) Will write you when things settle down around here... xo

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  19. Hey there...good to hear from you. I think you are wise to move forward with your relationship with your sister. Family ties are important but challenging too sometimes!

    Take care, and get all of the rest you can...you need it.

    Hugs!

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  20. Jen my dear you apologizing to us for not posting...you are more important...your body...Jack...and feeling well. I'm happy you are mending things with your sister. Never healthy to carry bad feelings, so it's nice to hear. Can't wait to hear about Jack's birthday, but when you are well enough and can spare the time. Take care my friend. Thinking of you.

    Hugs,
    Rose

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  21. Dear Jen
    No need to apolgize, and you shouldn't even go there. Glad to hear that you and your sister are on the mend!!! Can't wait to see a picture of your very special Otis!!
    Have a great day!
    Nicky from Canada

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  22. Lighting a candle for you this evening, sending up prayers for you always.

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