Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Thank God for All of You...


Really...I do thank God for all of you. I hope you know how much you have all come to mean to me throughout this journey I have shared with you on my blog. You have truly given of yourselves to me here and I have needed what you have given so badly. The last post I wrote you was a difficult one, a difficult one to write and a difficult one to live but you all rallied around me, showering me with love and kindness and support. You made me feel as though I wasn't alone on this journey, I felt comforted. I know it probably sounds strange when I have friends and a family in real life, that you could all come to mean so much and play such an important role in my life, but you do. I felt so much better after reading all your comments, I felt you reaching out to me in sincere efforts to console me and to support me. I suppose a lot of you have gathered that I don't get a lot of support from my family? There is a story there that is very involved and I can't really write about it here but I am planning on starting another blog which will have restricted access and I will give you all access to it and there I will explain the missing pieces.

Once I can explain to you a few things you will better understand how you could all come to mean so much to me. Obviously it has a lot to do with what wonderful human beings you are, I feel so blessed to have you and I do believe that God has a hand in this because it has been a truly magical journey, you are all such authentic, beautiful people, I have never once had to monitor the comments section or delete a comment because I haven't ever had anyone write anything nasty or weird! I know other people with blogs that have a lot of readers do have trouble in that way. I believe I don't here because it is blessed and look at the type of people that come here and comment here, you are all just wonderful, good hearted, kind, generous, giving souls and I love you all so very much. I would be lost without you my friends. The last couple of days have been hard on me, very hard actually, whether because I am just plain tired of all this I don't know but it seems to have hit me hard. I feel very flat, not myself at all. I find myself feeling insecure and doubting myself again, all the things that can leave you feeling just yuck. I need a really good cry, I know that and although there have been tears, I haven't been able to have a really good cry. When Mum was driving me home from Peter Mac's the other day, I just wanted to ask her to drop me off at the beach and leave me there. I had this overwhelming need to smell the salty air, to feel the freezing cold wind whip my face and hair, to look at the sky and the waves and just cry... I needed to do that but I didn't let myself because it just wasn't practical. What would Mum have done, dropped me off and then had to wait around until I phoned her and said come and get me? I had my Nana waiting at my house with Jack and she no doubt wanted to get home, which she did, because when I did arrive home, Nana listened very briefly to the news and left without even having a cuppa with me, Mum followed suite! (Nice) Then I didn't go back because I had to cook dinner for the boys (Jamie was home for the night) and make sure everything was organized for school the next day, you know the drill, it just doesn't leave time for crying or wandering the beach either. I haven't been sleeping well and neither has Jack. Jack's has had nothing to do with all of this because he doesn't know about the outcome. He thinks this surgery is going to save my life, I haven't had the heart to tell him otherwise as yet. I know, he is just testing me, wanting to stay up late and play playstation games. He is the most stubborn boy you could ever meet when he gets an idea in his head, with me anyway. He doesn't do it for his father!!! Maybe I am being a bit harsh, look, lately it's been about him just wanting to stay up and have more fun time but to be honest in other times he used to just have trouble unwinding and getting off to sleep, even though he would stay in bed he would just lay awake till quite late which then plays havoc with school. Lately though he is just being a kid wanting his own way. He is sick of school and rules and just wants to do what he pleases for a while. Oh well, holidays won't be too long away. I gave him a day off today because he just looked so exhausted last night, my friend Lee was here (bless her, she came to be supportive after my day at Peter Mac) and she noticed how dark the rings under his eyes were, so I thought, well- it's not just me being super protective, I'm going to let him have a day of R&R, so I did and guess what, the little so and so is still up after carrying on for two hours, begging me, yelling at me, sobbing, oh just everything he had to throw at me he threw, telling me I was the cruelest thing in this world, that he wanted to stay up more than his own life blah blah blah and on and on it went and you know what, I couldn't take it tonight, I just couldn't stand it any longer, I stayed strong for about three hours and then I lost it and just said whatever, get up, do your thing but you are going to school tomorrow I don't care how tired you are blah, blah, blah all of which is crap because I am going to be worried sick sending him to school so tired - but I really am going to have to because otherwise he'll keep trying it on and also he already had today off. Do I sound out of sorts? I sure as hell feel it!!!

Oh dear, well I don't know quite what else to say except thank you all so much for being here for me. Thanks for coming along at the beginning of my blogging experience to see what was going on over here, thanks for staying and taking an interest in mine and my son's lives, thanks for being here for the tough bits and showing me such a strong, united front of support. I am so glad I have met you all through this blogging business. I never, ever thought I would be a blogger. Ever!!! But there you go, some things are meant to be. I wish someone would tell me why I am meant to die young - I know there must be a reason, and by the way, I do realize I'm not exactly dead yet and perhaps, if I can hang on long enough, something new will come along that can help me. I am just sick of not knowing. I do believe that I am not coping as well this time because I allowed the thought that I might be cured to sink into my heart and mind. Well, my Oncologist sounded so sure and even took me off the chemo and that's when I really started to believe I would be cured. I knew it was at a high price but it was worth it for me to stick around for Jack. Anyway, enough, I must start to deal with this situation now and I must try and even though being realistic also try and maintain some sort of hope that perhaps something will come along in the future that can help me stay even longer, this is all I can do now. I don't want to go back to that place I got myself into a while back where I had no hope and I got so depressed because I was focusing on the fact that I was leaving Jack every minute of the day. It was a terrible time and I really don't think it does anyone any good for me to get like that, even though it is true that I will probably die in a couple of years. Somehow I have to be okay with that enough that I'm not horribly depressed. Don't quite know how I'm going to pull that off but I will try. Maybe once they've taken the big monster tumor that is the cause of all my problems, the little cancers will stay put for quite a long time. If I really take the best of care of myself, I mean inside and out, as in diet but also spirituality, emotions, massage, acupuncture, perhaps a raw diet, perhaps I can keep those cancers at bay for a long time. I mean people who have cancer have beaten Doctors expectations many times before. Why shouldn't I be one of them? At least I can try and you know what- trying is hoping and hoping will keep me from getting into that horrid depression that renders me useless anyway. Okay my darlings, thanks for letting me talk it all out again. I do feel so much better just getting it all off my chest. What would I do without you all? I don't want to find out, it just doesn't bare thinking of. There were so many of you who told me via the comment section or email to just let it out, rant and rave and talk and cry and just say whatever I needed to. I felt so thankful for that because some of what I typed in that last post was all over the place, I was angry and confused and hurt and I put it all down in no real order but none of you minded in the least that I didn't delete it, as I talked about deleting it in the post, but you didn't want me to delete it and I was so touched because I knew that I could really, truly be me here and you would love me just the same - it was such a nice feeling - thank you. Okay my dear, dear friends, I will finish up for now. Know that I am so thankful for you all, take good care, hugs Jen xxx Ps: I'm off to figure out how to start a secret blog that only those I want to see it can see it. If anyone knows a way I can do this, please let me know. Ta xx By the way, I will get back to my "Things to Be Grateful For Today column" very soon! For now, I am grateful for you!

41 comments:

  1. You never cease to amaze me. You are truly an unique person. And I am so happy that you are here writing to us because I have learned so, so much from you. It's great you have this to come to - to talk and complain and rejoice and spew and get advice and I can go on and on - but what it comes down to is you need to listen to your gut - what your heart is telling you to do. Get to that beach and cry and laugh and get renewed.
    Wish I were closer to help you out...

    Laura

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  2. You are beautiful and the emotional raw venting that comes out is a shining gem within you. Thank you for putting it out here for all of us to see.

    I think you may be able to make certain posts private, or password protected within this blog that you have now. And then you could allow certain people, or give us by email the password or something. I'm not entirely familiar with blogspot, but you should poke around in your admin options before starting another separate blog.

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  3. Hi Dearest. I just read the post from yesterday and I am so sorry. I, like you, began to hope. I was relieved to read that the surgery will reduce your pain with that nasty tumor and give you quality time. Because that's what you need. quality time with your sons. I too wish I was closer for you. I am not very close with some family either, so you learn to rely on your friends as your family.

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  4. Jen keep sharing your feelings - you are entitled to each and every one. I think it would be very cathartic to start another website too. Sometimes writing things down helps to work through them. Hugs - giant hugs - Lisa L.

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  5. Dearest Jen—Well, we are so grateful to know you!!! It is because of your loving spirit that we come and send our love back to you. There is always hope and something more—faith. I'm keeping faith. There are many ways to heal and this may in fact be the best one. Let's keep that positive vision. Right now in this moment you are feeling well and I'm trusting that you will be for many years to come through one means or another. Love, love, love you!

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  6. Dear Jen
    You are doing amazing and remember we all have days where we feel completely wiped - and I can't imagine that with the stress of your cancer - you don't have them more often. I have many days with my 6 year old boy - he is Autistic and an amazing little man, however, we have many challenges but mostly lately it is the rebelling that he is doing with not wanting to go to school, to camp - it seems like anything we ask him to do - as he is so stubborn also, and doesn't want to do it mostly because we have asked him. So much fun. I often worry about giving in too much, as I am the softy - his dad he doesn't do the same things with - so sometimes there are many days where I am disheartened, but the majority of the time - I try not to go there and am truly amazing by the wonderful little man that he is and try to stay focused.
    Just remember though, sometimes we all need to cry and let it out and know that we all have things that make us feel that way.
    Just remember you are an amazing mom and individual who is doing incredible with everything you have been dealing with - and give yourself a day if you need it once it a while to know it is okay!!! But keep doing what your doing because you have many special angels watching over you and keep positive!!! Everyday is a gift and do the most with each day!!!
    God Bless
    Love Nicky from Canada

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  7. Jen, if you're feeling restricted in what you can say, then private posts or a private, pass-worded blog probably is a good idea. It does seem to be really important to be able to freely vent. I'm afraid I haven't looked into how that's done, but I know there are options to do that. I was so glad to read about how your experience of the blog has only been positive. I think there is just something so special in the way you have shared of yourself here that anyone who has come here has been touched by your spirit, and feels connected to you deeply. I certainly do feel part of a big circle of people who love you and your little family, and who would do anything they could to ease your situation. If I could be there to drive you to that beach, I would do it so happily. I'm hoping now that an angel will appear to do that for you. Love to you, Imelda

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  9. Jeni, on Blogger under the Settings, look for the tab that says "Permissions", it will allow you to choose people that you want to view.

    Your blog is a gift. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Although, I may not comment on every post, please know that I send love and peace your way, daily.

    I am excited for the next stage of your journey and having to deal with possible surgery. I know it will be tough,but so are you.

    xo Meredith

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  10. How about a walk at the beach after Jack goes to school tomorrow - I will pick you up if you like (and bring a box of tissues!) You are not allowed to do any of this alone.

    Jack is just being a typical kid Jen - they all try us on to see what they can get away with. Be firm but just remind him that if he is well enough to stay up late - there is no reason to be home from school. Mine have all tried the same trick at some stage - they know when your defences are down.

    Catch you soon,
    love and hugs
    K xx

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  11. I think a good period of sobbing and screaming and punching the air is certainly called for in your situation. Vent and complain and rail against the unfairness of it all as much as you need to, Jen. We're not going anywhere.

    Becky X

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  12. I know how you feel about families. I don't have very much support from mine, either. But you have created your own family who will support you through what you face now.

    Your operation will give you a longer life. And isn't that what any of us can hope for, cancer patients or otherwise? None of us know what our futures hold for us, but few of us know to treasure every day like you do. You are an inspiration.

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  13. Jen,
    You need to cry AND laugh too! You seem like you'd be a really fun person to hang out with and chill. I WISH I lived near the beach....Dallas is a long way from the ocean....especially a nice ocean. Seeing the ocean, somehow, puts life back into perspective.

    We have two saltwater fish tanks in our home that can be a pain in the rear to maintain. We are forever adding minerals, checking the salinity, adding reverse osmosis water, feeding the different fish their "perfect" foods. You get the idea. Ugh! Sometimes I would like to take a sledgehammer to them!

    But, when you look at the oceans of this earth, who of us has to add a single drop of water or food or anything to keep them in perfect balance? And they are, indeed, in perfect symmetry!

    It's God's perfect and powerful hand at work that takes care of life's pestering matters for us. He knows we're too small to take on big jobs like that and he doesn't burden us with stuff we cannot handle. (I wish He'd clean our fish tanks for us!)

    You have cancer that could possibly take your life one day. I have problems that I worry about everyday of my life too. We have to give this stuff to God throughout the day or we'll make ourselves crazy.

    Petition Him with your wants and desires. (He already knows them, but it feels good to get them off your chest anyway.) He understands why we're angry. He has suffered more than you and I will ever fathom. Although we don't understand why He puts us through hell in the first place, it usually makes our relationship with Him stronger. Jesus has tasted death for everyone and experienced our deepest anguish and that makes Him qualified to be our sympathetic ally.

    I really hope you'll take my advice and read, "The Shack". It's an awesome fiction, yet so true to life too.

    p.s. don't feel bad about wanting to ring Jack's neck....I'm like that sometimes just being with my kids for half a day. Boys are headstrong creatures. They DO need boundaries, though. Stand firm on your decisions. Make your yes,yes and your no,no. He'll respect you more for being consistent. It's hard to do, but the more you practice it, he'll know you mean business and won't push your buttons as much.

    Hug,Hug,Smootch,Smootch,
    Kat

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  14. I just read both posts and I am devastated FOR you. Just freaking devastated.

    However - you know this already - none of us are given a guarantee... granted, most of us don't have to have radical surgery and still no guarantee of life expectancy.

    Oh Jen. I'm not sure I can be terribly positive for you today. I'm sad.

    But you know what, I am glad for this sliver of hope too. I really am. How's that for ambiguous.

    With Love, Lindsey

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  15. Dearest Jen, please know we all do truly love you. And, I am so glad that gives you comfort. My prayers for you are everlasting.

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  16. you have a journey ahead of you sweet one....and I am here, as always, thinking of you and praying !!!!

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  17. Dear Jen ~ I am sorry that you are not getting the end result you so wished for ~ but there is still hope my dear friend. I am thinking of you every day and sending love and hugs XXXX

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  18. Jen, You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Jack sounds like a normal sweet little boy wanting to stay up late!
    Big hugs Jen
    (I'm one of your friends from UOAA forum)
    I have the same cancer as you do.
    Hugs,
    Dodie

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  19. Jen my friend

    What do I say?? I feel terrible because I have been soo wrapped up in my own little world lately that I haven't been able to see the bigger picture. Thankyou for bringing back to where I should be.
    Now you.... OK you my dearest friend need to stop being quite as hard on yourself, your expectations are just too high, lets bring things down to a more realistic level hey!
    I am sooooo sad to hear of the latest results, but at the same time I do rejoice that they can give you a little quality. That is an important word here,... without the quality the quantity means nothing does it.
    I sooo miss our chats, I have lost yr number so pls email it to me again, we have sooooo much to catch up on. I am in another play which is to go to stage wednesday the 20th to Saturday the 23rd... do I know my lines yet... well kinda sorta but not quite in the right order OH GOD.
    Love you girl
    Carmel

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  20. You can use the blogger settings to create a blog that only invited memebers can see. I think it is under "permissions".

    I hope you get a day to sit at the beach soon. :)

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  21. I saw this quote (from Maya Angelou) a few years back and it has always stuck with me.
    "Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Invite one to stay."

    Thinking of you today.

    Kristen

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  22. cant say it all any better. my thoughts are with you too Jen, it must be so hard and i think it is natural to feel down. it will take a while to process this new situation and put your armour back on. thinking of you every day xox

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  23. Jen, you are so right : trying is hoping and i admire you so much for trying and am hoping with you, and thinking of you and praying too.

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  24. Hi Jen,
    Just a note to say hello and that I've been thinking of you and hoping that a jaunt to the beach happens for you soon. It's such a wonderful spot and apparently full of good ions for the body (and soul, I think!) - nobody seems to come back in a foul mood after being in the ocean's presence.
    I haven't had a chance to read the last 2 posts in detail but I'm aiming to this weekend. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and know that your usually sunny disposition is actually still apparent, even tho you might not feel that it is. (Evidenced by plenty of humor throughout your post, such a lovely thing!)

    Be well,
    Cate in Cal
    ps - I just realized (eons later, egads) that you can see my limited profile and pic thru blogger, even if my blog is private.
    pps - that's what you can do... set up a private blog as I've done (it's all about my twin girls and done for the grandparents) and then you can select the people you want to have access to it. Might be time consuming tho to invite a large group but really, I'm not sure of the # you have in mind.

    Bye for now...

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  25. Jen,
    Be strong sweetie, and stay positive. I know how hard it must be dear, but trust in God to give you the strenght that you need to deal with all of this. Focus on your boys, and live each day to the fullest. We will be right next to you every step of the way.
    Hugs,
    Rose

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  26. yOu are so funny! You make me giggle!
    I love how you talk...and talk....and say goodbye...and talk some more...and talk...and say goodbye...and then quickly have to something else....and add this....heehee...

    funny lady! I love you so much!

    Always here...to listen whatever is on your chest that day! or in the "PS" boxes in your mind! :- )

    Love you xx

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  27. This sounds hard to deal with. You need time to grieve and so does your family, but you need help so that you can have time to grieve but your family can't give you that time because they're too busy grieving themselves. It's like a dog chasing it's tail.

    I'm sorry the surgery won't be a cure. That's got to be a bitter pill to swallow, but a better quality of life might be worthwhile, to enjoy what time you have left.

    Take care of yourself. Sending a bear hug and saying a prayer for you and your boys.

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  28. love you sweetie. I am sorry that things are tough this week. I am holding you in my heart

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  30. "How far that little candle
    throws his beams!
    So shines a good deed
    in a naughty world".

    William Shakespeare
    Merchant of Venice

    I found this poem of the great British poet and liked it so much that I put it on my blog and now here. A little candle can really spread a huge light, it depends on the love of those who light it. It's good to know you feel warm and cared with the love your blog family send you - the candles they light here with their words - it's wonderful to find it out!!!
    About your need to cry, sometimes crying is the best we can do, we need to do it! - it releases the pain we have in our hearts... I've been crying these last days because of a very good article I read about an abandonned dog (I love dogs!) and my dear friend, crying shows I'm human and that I care... blessed man who wrote those lines.
    Wish you a nice Sunday and you're in my heart always and everyday sweetie!
    Sending love
    Bete

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  31. Came again to leave the link of the site in which is the article about abandonned dogs, "how could you?"

    http://jimwillis0.tripod.com/tiergarten/id21.html

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  32. No Sweetie, no need to change anything!

    just talk...and the giggles are a good thing...it means you just are who you are...and I love you exactly that why! xx

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  33. Oh Jen....I'm so sad for you and the boys....esp little Jack. Not that I'm not sad for Jamie, but being that Jack is so young...and you are his whole world..and oh my heart just aches for all of you. God, I was really thinking what you were..that you would go through this awful surgery...but come out with this nasty cancer removed from your body once and for all!!! This news just saddens me so. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling....Know that you and the boys are in my prayers. You are just the sweetest! And let me tell you, if I would have been the one at your house waiting for you to come home from Peter Mac..I would have stayed and had a cuppa with you :-) Oh Jen, hang in there and keep doing what you are doing...you are an amazing Mommy!!! And like you said...you have beat the "doctor's odds" before...so there is HOPE that in the near future you will too. Who knows what new treatment will come along or maybe this surgery will do more than you know...one never knows. I wish I could be there to help you....I'm worried about all of you.

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  34. Just a comment to say hello and let you know I'm out here for you.

    Susie

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  35. I'm not sure I would have enough courage to go through with the surgery. I tell you that in case you're wondering if you have to do it, as if it's required. I don't know what I'd do. Just sayin...you'll be a shining example either way. This is that tough. Holding you in my heart.

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  36. Jen - My heart breaks for you. There is nothing worse than the loss of hope. Never regret your relationship with Jack. I'm sure he doesn't. Better that he should know a mother's pure love for a short time than to never know it at all. THAT would truly be a tragedy.

    Your words are so powerful, universal in their raw honesty. If you don't mind my saying so, I think you should cross-post "Peter Mac" to MWC. Perhaps I'm overstepping, though.

    You are in my prayers for a miracle.

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  37. Dropping in to say hello and wishing you well. You are in my thoughts today as i was driving around with the kids from swim class, feeling tired, fed up, whatever. and thinking just how tired i was and not well. and i know you have your days. so i thought of you.
    take care, muneera

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  38. I still believe in the "impossible" happening.
    Hugs.

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  39. are you ok Jen, it has been nearly a week now and thats kinda not like you.

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  40. Hi Jen

    Because I've had company, I'm way way behind on my blog reading. It's taken me awhile tonight, but I've read all your posts I've missed since my last visit. Your feelings are understandable. Every single feeling you have!

    I did a post tonight highlighting a poem I saw today on a Breast Cancer Support Group pamplet. It's called "What Cancer Cannot Do". Stop by when you get a chance. It's a good one.

    You're in my prayers every night. I promise.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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