Really...I do thank God for all of you. I hope you know how much you have all come to mean to me throughout this journey I have shared with you on my blog. You have truly given of yourselves to me here and I have needed what you have given so badly. The last post I wrote you was a difficult one, a difficult one to write and a difficult one to live but you all rallied around me, showering me with love and kindness and support. You made me feel as though I wasn't alone on this journey, I felt comforted. I know it probably sounds strange when I have friends and a family in real life, that you could all come to mean so much and play such an important role in my life, but you do. I felt so much better after reading all your comments, I felt you reaching out to me in sincere efforts to console me and to support me. I suppose a lot of you have gathered that I don't get a lot of support from my family? There is a story there that is very involved and I can't really write about it here but I am planning on starting another blog which will have restricted access and I will give you all access to it and there I will explain the missing pieces.
Once I can explain to you a few things you will better understand how you could all come to mean so much to me. Obviously it has a lot to do with what wonderful human beings you are, I feel so blessed to have you and I do believe that God has a hand in this because it has been a truly magical journey, you are all such authentic, beautiful people, I have never once had to monitor the comments section or delete a comment because I haven't ever had anyone write anything nasty or weird! I know other people with blogs that have a lot of readers do have trouble in that way. I believe I don't here because it is blessed and look at the type of people that come here and comment here, you are all just wonderful, good hearted, kind, generous, giving souls and I love you all so very much. I would be lost without you my friends. The last couple of days have been hard on me, very hard actually, whether because I am just plain tired of all this I don't know but it seems to have hit me hard. I feel very flat, not myself at all. I find myself feeling insecure and doubting myself again, all the things that can leave you feeling just yuck. I need a really good cry, I know that and although there have been tears, I haven't been able to have a really good cry. When Mum was driving me home from Peter Mac's the other day, I just wanted to ask her to drop me off at the beach and leave me there. I had this overwhelming need to smell the salty air, to feel the freezing cold wind whip my face and hair, to look at the sky and the waves and just cry... I needed to do that but I didn't let myself because it just wasn't practical. What would Mum have done, dropped me off and then had to wait around until I phoned her and said come and get me? I had my Nana waiting at my house with Jack and she no doubt wanted to get home, which she did, because when I did arrive home, Nana listened very briefly to the news and left without even having a cuppa with me, Mum followed suite! (Nice) Then I didn't go back because I had to cook dinner for the boys (Jamie was home for the night) and make sure everything was organized for school the next day, you know the drill, it just doesn't leave time for crying or wandering the beach either. I haven't been sleeping well and neither has Jack. Jack's has had nothing to do with all of this because he doesn't know about the outcome. He thinks this surgery is going to save my life, I haven't had the heart to tell him otherwise as yet. I know, he is just testing me, wanting to stay up late and play playstation games. He is the most stubborn boy you could ever meet when he gets an idea in his head, with me anyway. He doesn't do it for his father!!! Maybe I am being a bit harsh, look, lately it's been about him just wanting to stay up and have more fun time but to be honest in other times he used to just have trouble unwinding and getting off to sleep, even though he would stay in bed he would just lay awake till quite late which then plays havoc with school. Lately though he is just being a kid wanting his own way. He is sick of school and rules and just wants to do what he pleases for a while. Oh well, holidays won't be too long away. I gave him a day off today because he just looked so exhausted last night, my friend Lee was here (bless her, she came to be supportive after my day at Peter Mac) and she noticed how dark the rings under his eyes were, so I thought, well- it's not just me being super protective, I'm going to let him have a day of R&R, so I did and guess what, the little so and so is still up after carrying on for two hours, begging me, yelling at me, sobbing, oh just everything he had to throw at me he threw, telling me I was the cruelest thing in this world, that he wanted to stay up more than his own life blah blah blah and on and on it went and you know what, I couldn't take it tonight, I just couldn't stand it any longer, I stayed strong for about three hours and then I lost it and just said whatever, get up, do your thing but you are going to school tomorrow I don't care how tired you are blah, blah, blah all of which is crap because I am going to be worried sick sending him to school so tired - but I really am going to have to because otherwise he'll keep trying it on and also he already had today off. Do I sound out of sorts? I sure as hell feel it!!!
Oh dear, well I don't know quite what else to say except thank you all so much for being here for me. Thanks for coming along at the beginning of my blogging experience to see what was going on over here, thanks for staying and taking an interest in mine and my son's lives, thanks for being here for the tough bits and showing me such a strong, united front of support. I am so glad I have met you all through this blogging business. I never, ever thought I would be a blogger. Ever!!! But there you go, some things are meant to be. I wish someone would tell me why I am meant to die young - I know there must be a reason, and by the way, I do realize I'm not exactly dead yet and perhaps, if I can hang on long enough, something new will come along that can help me. I am just sick of not knowing. I do believe that I am not coping as well this time because I allowed the thought that I might be cured to sink into my heart and mind. Well, my Oncologist sounded so sure and even took me off the chemo and that's when I really started to believe I would be cured. I knew it was at a high price but it was worth it for me to stick around for Jack. Anyway, enough, I must start to deal with this situation now and I must try and even though being realistic also try and maintain some sort of hope that perhaps something will come along in the future that can help me stay even longer, this is all I can do now. I don't want to go back to that place I got myself into a while back where I had no hope and I got so depressed because I was focusing on the fact that I was leaving Jack every minute of the day. It was a terrible time and I really don't think it does anyone any good for me to get like that, even though it is true that I will probably die in a couple of years. Somehow I have to be okay with that enough that I'm not horribly depressed. Don't quite know how I'm going to pull that off but I will try. Maybe once they've taken the big monster tumor that is the cause of all my problems, the little cancers will stay put for quite a long time. If I really take the best of care of myself, I mean inside and out, as in diet but also spirituality, emotions, massage, acupuncture, perhaps a raw diet, perhaps I can keep those cancers at bay for a long time. I mean people who have cancer have beaten Doctors expectations many times before. Why shouldn't I be one of them? At least I can try and you know what- trying is hoping and hoping will keep me from getting into that horrid depression that renders me useless anyway. Okay my darlings, thanks for letting me talk it all out again. I do feel so much better just getting it all off my chest. What would I do without you all? I don't want to find out, it just doesn't bare thinking of. There were so many of you who told me via the comment section or email to just let it out, rant and rave and talk and cry and just say whatever I needed to. I felt so thankful for that because some of what I typed in that last post was all over the place, I was angry and confused and hurt and I put it all down in no real order but none of you minded in the least that I didn't delete it, as I talked about deleting it in the post, but you didn't want me to delete it and I was so touched because I knew that I could really, truly be me here and you would love me just the same - it was such a nice feeling - thank you. Okay my dear, dear friends, I will finish up for now. Know that I am so thankful for you all, take good care, hugs Jen xxx Ps: I'm off to figure out how to start a secret blog that only those I want to see it can see it. If anyone knows a way I can do this, please let me know. Ta xx By the way, I will get back to my "Things to Be Grateful For Today column" very soon! For now, I am grateful for you!