Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Dealing With Everyday Living...

Hi my friends. It's been a while since I last blogged. I have been feeling a bit under the weather, gloomy (ish), just not myself and a bit down actually. I know it's me just trying to come to terms with the way things have turned out in relation to the surgery not being quite the result I wanted. I felt a bit cheated I think which is silly really because I should be extremely grateful that these Surgeons, who are world class Surgeons, will even do this operation for me. I know that they are telling me the truth when they say that without it I will live the rest of my life in absolute agony, or off my nut on pain meds, I have experienced this tumor touching nerves in my spine already and it is terribly painful far too painful to live with. Neither of those options particularly appeal to me thanks very much, so you see what I mean when I say I should be so very grateful...and I am...it just took my head a while to catch on. I had set my heart on a cure for the first time in a long time and it looked good, a cure looked really good, I pictured it, I dreamed about it, I could almost taste it. So that's a pretty high place from which to fall, isn't it? Being out of pain is a great reason to have this surgery but not as great as being cured. I know, the time I have left will be a lot nicer because of this surgery but again, it's the 'time I have left' part which bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Anyhoo, whining about it aint gonna make it disappear. And, I am not dead yet (although I haven't been doing to much living lately either), so I need to get up off my you know what and start to live a little. I have been burying my head in the sand to everything and everyone. I haven't wanted to talk, I haven't wanted to go out, I haven't wanted to get dressed, I haven't even wanted to clean my teeth! Jack has had too much time off, I managed to get him into a terrible routine, it's just a nightmare around here. I am taking him to school tomorrow even though it's 12.16am right now and he's still awake! I have to wake him early even though he's going to sleep so late at night, if I don't he will stay in this ridiculous routine, I know him and he is a night owl, I was a night owl exactly like him and our natural body clocks like to stay up late and sleep late. Although now I'm older I hate sleeping late because I adore the mornings and hate missing them. So, I feel guilty, I feel like a rotten mother, we had spaghetti tonight with just cheese sprinkled on top and a bit of chopped up ham on Jacks! Nice huh. Good square meal for a boy going to school exhausted tomorrow. I don't know, I guess I've just had enough for a while. You know, sometimes it's just hard to stay on top. Sometimes I can't. I definitely don't get as much support as I need from my family, that much is obvious and rather hurtful actually. Anyway I guess my point is that I have felt a bit neglected and unloved by those who are 'supposed' to be closest to me. I know it doesn't always work that way and lots of folks don't get along with their families. That's why there's that saying, 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'. Very true but quite sad. Still, if it looks like I'm definitely going to live for only another 2 years, I will probably move to Warragul I expect and get Jack settled in school there. He has a very loving family up that way so in a lot of ways it will be better for him and he is what matters in this, if I'm not around he needs to be up there with lots of loving supportive family. Mine are not that way inclined. That reminds me of some really good news (I think). David, Jack's dad, is a teacher by profession and is taking long service leave for all of term 4 (if you're American that won't make sense, we have four terms a year in our school system, they go for about 8-10 weeks each with 2 weeks off in between each set or term. At the end of term 4 it is our Summer so we have 5-6 weeks off school and then in the new year move up a grade. Hope that makes sense.) so he can be available for Jack and I while I have surgery and while I recover. He will be able to take Jack to school, pick him up, do all that sort of thing. I must admit I was amazed, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I didn't ask him to do it, I did say to him that I was going to be having a big operation and would need quite a lot of help with Jack but we didn't talk logistics at all and next thing I know he's telling me that he's taking long service. So it's wonderful. As long as it works out as I imagine it will. I hope I'm not giving him to much credit here, I hope he doesn't think he's going to let everyone else run around behind Jack while I'm sick just so he can relax and have a nice holiday. I did clarify with him though that he'll be taking Jack to school and picking him up etc and he said yes so that goes without saying that he needs to be here with us because his place is just too long of a drive for that. Anyway, that helped me feel better because it was something else I was worrying over. Mum has said she'd have Jack come and stay at her place which she knows I'd rather her come here but she is making it hard for me for whatever reason. Anyway it won't be an issue now, David will have Jack and that will be best all round but especially for Jack.

Well this is turning into a very long and extremely boring post so I shall sign off (stop laughing Shaun) and post again soon as I wanted to talk to you about my spiritual side and what helps me to get on top of things. I haven't forgotten that I said I'd do a post on that sort of thing, just wanting to do it when the timing is right. I've needed every trick in the book lately to pull me out of this latest slump but I am coming out of it, I'll talk to you about that soon. Take good care of yourselves and each other. Hugs.Kisses

Things I'm Grateful For Today

The Internet, blogs and support forums (all of you).

My boy Jamie still needing to come home to mum to be taken care of properly when he's not well. (his words)

The menagerie of birds in my backyard lately especially the two gorgeous parrots.

My very dear friends.

The fact that Spring is almost here, YAY!!!

35 comments:

  1. Jen,
    Be kind to yourself. You are so kind to us all here...treat yourself with some of that kindness as well. You are allowed to wallow, to sink, to be off...you are dealing with more than one mother should have to deal with. What matters is that you are here and loved and your boy is so loved too.
    Take care and just be. Don't worry about what kind of mother you are. I happen to think you're just great.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Jen,
    There is a time to bury our heads in the sand and all that sort of things, we are human! You are living another difficult time in your life, you have one more challenge ahead and I'm trying to walk in your shoes and it's very hard but I entirely agree with "2 kids and a 3 martinis": be kind to yourself, love yourself, give yourself the best moments you can!... You deserve it! Be generous to you.
    Sending love to the lovely mother and friend you are!
    Bete

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Jen you need a huge massive scrapbooking party with lots of friends, inspiration, fun and laughter. Or perhaps a trip where you are pampered. A trip to Disney World with the boys. Something hugely fun. If I were well off at all, I would pay for you to have something like that. All I can do is dream it for you. You will go through a lot in the next few weeks emotionally. That's okay. It's all normal. I don't know how you stay standing some days. I just don't know Jen. I'm glad to hear from you though.... I was worried. Hugs Jen

    ReplyDelete
  4. Biggest, biggest hugs across the miles; of course you had to hide your head in the sand for a bit. It takes a while for a soul to recover from such disappointment. Be very, very kind to yourself and don't you beat yourself up one single bit. You are doing AMAZING and should be extremely proud of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I feel really angry that your family isn't pulling with you. Right now you need help and I hope you will find places to get it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wishing you all that is good, Jen. Am so glad the surgery will give you a big leap up. And so glad that David is coming to help. So grateful for the good things that are showing up in your life. Sending love and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I thought you may have been having a low week. If you need anything picked up from the shops or even a meal I can do that. You will have to answer the door when I come knocking though. You are being so hard on yourself Jen - take some time, do some thing good for yourself and life with Jack will settle down again. David is a treasure - but then he loves Jack too. You can do this one day at a time.
    Keep smiling,
    love and hugs
    K xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Jen,
    I have been a lurker on your blog for awhile now. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult your decisions are. I agree with the others that right now you need to be really kind to yourself. I wouldn't feel guilty at all over the dinner you served Jack. I think you are doing really well to even be making any kind of dinner right now. I'm not sure if I could if I were in your shoes.
    I can tell by all of the posts I have read that you are a wonderful mom. I will keep you in my prayers and I am sending love and hugs your way.

    Kim

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jen, that is great news about Jack's dad. Oh and by the way, I thought your post was too short.
    I am hearing a change in attitude which is good! I will be in touch.
    Love and god bless,
    Shaun

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jen,
    So glad that Jack's dad will be there to help out with Jack. The bonding for the two of them will be wonderful too. Hang in there dear, stay positive. Keep the faith that you're going to make it through all of this. I'll be praying for you and wishing happy thoughts for you.
    Hugs,
    Rose

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Sweetie. I wish there was something I could say to lift you up. Sending you long distance squishy hugs, dearest.

    Danielle

    ReplyDelete
  12. Like everyone in your blog family, I wish there was something I could do to help! I like Lisa L's idea that you do something special just for you or for you and the boys. Maybe if enough of us sent you a little something you would be able to do it. What do you think Jen? What do you say Jen's peeps?

    ReplyDelete
  13. You know, I think everyone who reads this post will not only relate to how you are feeling, but just stand in awe at how amazing you are!! Don't apologise for how you are feeling, you are allowed. And for the record, I think you are a great Mum and I bet Jack knows so too!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. As others have said, please don't be so hard on yourself. Spaghetti and cheese with a bit of ham? More than sufficient! Feeling sorry for your situation? More than understandable! (an understatement, in fact.) My god, you are shouldering so much.

    so very sorry...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Jen. Whatever you say, however you feel, whatever you do or don't do, the whole of it, no one can judge you, it's all allowed, it's all permitted, it's all forgiven, and there is nothing to forgive. You are loved.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Jen -- thank for sharing. it's not always so easy living on this rollercoaster. sometimes the choices aren't great, but, the name of the game is living! hang tight, another rise is around the bend

    ReplyDelete
  17. We love you Jen. - Lindsey

    ReplyDelete
  18. that was hard to read. i don't know what to say to make you feel better.
    my kids eat my horrible cooking all the time. i am sure you are a better cook and you know what, you are doing GREAT! YOU'RE A GREAT MOM. please do not doubt that, ever. you just are.
    he seems like a happy confident kid and that has to do with you and his personality combined.
    I am going to pray for you as always. you are in my thoughts and heart.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Jen-
    You are allowed all of this--the routine or lack there of, the pasta with cheese (my dirty open secret is that Max eats pasta with cheese MOST nights!!!), the down moods, the grief, and it is all OK and we are all here. Great news about David...looks like he is really making a great effort. Love to you
    meg

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sending you peace and love and wishing you well.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Sending you love, and best wishes with the surgery from Toronto, Canada.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Am here Jen
    if and when you need... anytime! Jen my friend please do stop being so hard on yourself, use all this angst and move the focus elsewhere shift the energy so to speak! I am so proud of you, you know! I find you totally amazing and inspiring... I am actually at my computer to write my cheat sheets for the play I am in to hide in and around our set...lol. Gosh you and I are long overdue for a bit of a chat, I am sure I would have you laughing within seconds.
    Sending you love and energy and well anything you need...
    C

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm praying that the support you find online will be matched in the everyday, physical world, where you need it so much. I think every one of us wishes we could be there.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Jen

    Don't ever worry or apologize for your feelings. Girl, you've got a lot on your plate. It's only natural to have all the swirling feeling you do. You have a right to those feelings. But....and it's a big but...I hope you can feel the love and prayers that surround you by many many of us you truly care.

    Happy Friday!

    Hugs!
    Kat

    ReplyDelete
  25. Things just seem to pile up on top of each other, don't they? I know the road is rocky and rough you are traveling. Hopefully, having lots of "friends" passing you up and down the road has helped. I know I wish I could help and say something or do something to make it easier. You are doing remarkable job with your life considering what you must acknowlege everyday. It's only natural that you have down days. And it's ok! I smiled when you said it was almost spring. It's hot in Texas and we are looking forward to FALL weather.

    ReplyDelete
  26. love you Jen. You express your self with such honesty. I had a little Mummy melt down myself yesterday. My boy is so unhappy, feeling so bad about himself, anxious and miserable. It all came out in his transition interview at school the other day. I sat next to him, feeling stunned as he couldn't stop the tears from falling, that I haven't noticed him lately. How could I miss it? I just feel that I'm failing him so badly. But at least now it's been brought to my attention and I know that all I really need to do is LOVE him. You know that too, that's all Jack needs and you give him that every day (nutrition is highly over-rated).
    Hugs to you, my beautiful friend you are doing the best that you can.
    Wxx

    ReplyDelete
  27. Jen, I found "Mothers WIth Cancer" through "Bridges" and have been reading your posts there for a couple of weeks - just came to your blog tonight and find myself full of comapassion for you and for Jack. I'm so glad his teacher will be able to help during and after your big surgery. And of course you are bummed by learning that the surgery does not offer cure. Even at this distance I felt like throwing things when I learned.

    ReplyDelete
  28. It's me again - thanking you connect me to are so rich in wsidom and creativity. Wow! And I'm only to D! I also have read and enoyed The curious Incident of The Dog in The Night-time and have Snowflower and the Secret Fan on my short list. I'm putting yourother recomendations on my list because they look good. So thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Jen....sorry that you are feeling down. The dinners, and the bedtimes, are small stuff in the scheme of things. Your love for your children is apparent in every post. Take care...sending love and hugs your way.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Good morning, sweet Jen. I am glad to read your post, and learn that Jack's father is stepping up to do the right thing. I think you are making wise decisions for Jack, and I believe it will work.

    You are always in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  31. How are you doing, I wanted to write in and see how you were?
    Muneera

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hi Jen,
    Sorry about the funk you're in - I'll bet that winter isn't very helpful either? A little sunshine might help lots, if you can find it. Completely understandable and so allowed... sometimes just lolling in the funk gets you out of it quicker.

    Gosh, the night owl thing... I so relate and that's just hard to change. I'll bet it's comforting for Jack to stay up with you but yes, during school, that'll be rough.

    You are so allowed to feel bummed about not having the key to the cure. One never does know though what lies ahead as far as miracles - as you've done amazingly well (if my recollection serves me) and have been a bigger trooper than expected already. I expect that still for you - and hope and pray for that as well.

    So happy Jack's dad is helping out especially in lieu of your family... that's really lovely.

    Take good care!
    Much love from Northern California...
    Cate

    ReplyDelete
  33. Dear Jen
    Thinking of you and hope that your spirits are lifted soon!!!
    God Bless
    Nicky from Canada

    ReplyDelete