Tuesday, 22 July 2008

PET Scan on Thursday 24th...

Hi my blog family, I hope you are all well and content. Well it is coming up time for my PET Scan on Thursday. I am a bit nervous, not so much of the actual scan itself, although I do hate having to lay still inside that big tunnel for 25 minutes, without moving a muscle. Just as I am about to try wriggling out to run away or to start screaming at them to let me out, it finishes. Always just when I've had enough and can't take it anymore. I don't know what it is that does it to me, I start off just fine, thinking about the shopping I have to do (a bit like sex really! LOL!!! I am so only joking...), I think about my boys and just stuff you know, routine kind of stuff and then as the time slowly - oh so slowly slides by - a different mood sort of takes over me, I start to get very conscious of where I am, which is pretty much entombed in a large tunnel, I start to feel a little prickle of panic which I hastily shush back down, I have a little think about something pleasant, a beach, a waterfall, you know the drill, that gets me by for a few more minutes, then a very real feeling of entrapment comes over me, I start to get edgy and I start planning what I will do, will I wriggle out, I don't know that I can, okay I will have to call out and tell them I can't do this anymore - then a voice comes through the speaker telling me it's over, the door opens and in comes someone that I am extremely grateful to see, to let me out of the tomb, er tunnel. So that is what I have to look forward to on Thursday. At least we will know what is going on, most importantly the surgeons will know a lot more than they did before the scan. I am particularly wanting results from this one as, for the past week, I have had strange pain down in the lower right side of my tummy that goes right around into my lower back, not all the way to the middle just the sides, I can also feel a lump in the left side of my tummy which was not there all that long ago, so I am feeling as though I am absolutely riddled with new cancer, I'm trying not to panic and I haven't panicked in all honesty, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit that I am concerned. The truth is it is not normal and I am very vulnerable even though I feel so very healthy. I feel so well that this is a very unwelcome intrusion. I actually get angry, I just want to stay well, I have been so productive, my Jack has come along in leaps and bounds - if anything, these weeks of feeling wonderful have shown me just how much my being ill affects my little boy. Including everything from sleeping, to going to school, to concentrating at school, to being bad tempered, pale, picky with food. Just everything. It breaks my heart. I just want and need to stay well, it is so important but this damn (trust me I could say worse here) cancer just won't let me be, I hate it with a passion. I have LOVED feeling healthy so much that I hate this cancer even more now, I am on such a mission to help people that have it! I want it eradicated somehow, whether by raising money, or by education, I just can't do enough - so I write, on forums, on blogs, and I still feel like a failure next to a very strong opponent. The awful thing is, I know I am going to get sick again, at some stage, I am going to. What I am going to do about Jack is something I am going to have to decide on, I honestly don't know right now what the best thing for him would be. Anyway, I guess I must wait and hope like hell that I can have this surgery. I am feeling really worried that I won't be able to and that is because it is my last chance isn't it, so of course I am going to be worried. Anyway, I have waffled on much longer than I intended to. I finally did another post on the Mothers With Cancer blog, if you want to take a look it is a few posts down but it's there. One really good thing came out of the post I just did, the President Elect from UOAA came over and left a comment, so I have asked her whether she would do a guest post for us, I'm waiting on her reply. Anyway the link is here.

Now in answer to Beth's question for me in the comments, wondering about my spiritual beliefs and where I get my strength from - I am very happy to answer this Beth and thanks for asking me by the way. I think it deserves it's own post so I will do it that way (I think). Probably the next post, no promises but most likely. Okay, I am seriously finishing up now, take good care my sweet, beautiful, kind and supportive family, love and hugs to all, Jen B xxxxxxxxx

18 comments:

  1. Glad your scan is scheduled - praying that it will give you the go ahead for the operation. I agree those scans are horrid - I have had 2 and I go great at the beginning also but then get extremely claustophobic!! Horrid feeling. Keep us posted on how it turns out!!!
    Blessings from Canada
    Nicky

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  2. Ugh. Well, have a store of good thoughts for Thursday, you have had such a great couple of weeks! I'll be thinking of you on Thursday.

    Big squishy hugs.
    Danielle

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  3. Try thinking about all of us thinking of you this Thursday. Maybe that will help ;)

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  4. Jen--I had a serious head injury years ago that resulted in a lot of MRIs--I was always in the tube for 60-75 minutes, which is a really long time. I bring my own CDs in with me--they hook them into the same system as the one over which they're using the microphone. It has been a godsend--I actually have a special, sort of uplifting mix I keep just for this purpose. It definitely keeps my mind from spinning out of control. It's something you might consider. Good luck!

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  5. Hi Nicky, I will definitely let you know how it turns out as soon as I know anything. Thanks for the comment and the support. Bless, Jen B x

    Thanks Danielle, I appreciate it, you're a love. Jen B xx

    Debbie, that's a great idea, I will do that and I'm sure it'll help. I get there at 11.30 so will be in the machine probably by 12noon, so if you all think of me then and I'll think of you guys. Love J x

    Dear Christine, gosh that's a long time, that makes me seem like a big, blubbering sulk. (Thanks for that) only kidding. The music is a great idea but I don't think they'd be too thrilled when I'm only in there for 25 minutes. I guess no harm in taking it and asking though is there? I'll let you know how I get on. Hugs Jen xx

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  6. Hi Jen,

    I've been silently reading your blog for the last few months and I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your candor and your willingness to share the tender parts of your life in such an open way.

    You are a gifted writer and I always look forward to your posts both here and on Mothers with Cancer.

    I've had a few scans myself and they can be a bit scary the longer you're in the CT machine. I'll think a good thought for you on Thursday and hope it all goes well.

    :-) Elizabeth

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  7. Dearest Jen, We'll all be thinking of you on Thursday and sending good wishes and prayers..actually I think it will be Wednesday night here! Please don't ever feel like a failure—your loving spirit is shining so bright and will always point you in the right direction. Big hugs and love,
    Cathy

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  8. Jen hoping that everything goes okay with the scan...praying every day for the surgery to be a go! Hugs Lisa L.

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  9. Oh my dear Jen ~ I pray that all goes well.
    I will be thinking of you ~ Sending you much love XXXXXX

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  10. Hen, you are daily in my thoughts and prayers. I'm saddened to read about this lump you are feeling.

    I pray that this PET scan shows you are a candidate for the surgery.

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  11. Hoping it's a tunnel filled with the enws we are all hoping for for you, sweet friend.

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  12. Dearest Jen...will be thinking of you on Thursday, and praying for the time to pass quickly. More importantly, praying for good news. I am so happy that you have been feeling well enough to spend time with your boys.

    They are lucky to have you. Take good care, and big hugs,
    Tara-Lynn

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  13. OH Jen - Hoping, hoping hoping for good news. Go away strange pains, weird lump...go AWAY cancer!!!

    fingers crossed (and toes, and arms and legs, and eyes)

    xxxxx

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  14. Hi Jen

    Just wanted you to know you're in my prayers daily, but I'll be praying specifically tomorrow for things to go well. I've been in the tunnel 3 times myself just in the last month. Thank you Lord all is well with me. I pray it is with you too. (I pray, make list and sing (all in my head) while the test is going on.)

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  15. Thinking of you honey.
    and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
    This all makes sense, and I know its hard, to feel well and love feeling well and then to have something happen, feeling that lump, and know it may not be news you want to hear.
    your bravery just continues to undo me, amaze me.
    Brave because you admit it all, go there, let yourself be more than one thing at at time, to just live in the fullness of your reality.
    and this is powerful stuff.
    love you so much.

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  16. Sweet girl, Jen! (warning: long comment)
    Here's an awesome verse James 5: 13-16 I want you to ponder, meditate on and rest your faith (in).
    "Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective."
    I know that's so long...God can only speak words of truth... He doesn't go back on His word. It's powerful medicine, Jen, that you can claim for your very own. Jesus said if you have the faith of a mustard seed you can make a mountain move; nothing will be impossible for you! He's not just talking to talk. Let that be the petition you go to God with everyday. We're here praying for you throughout the day and sometimes in the middle of the night (truly I was woken about 4 am last week and felt the need to pray for all the women I know in my life who have cancer). And your name was included in my prayer too. I want you not only to beat this cancer, but beat it with confidence in knowing you have The One, Sovereign, Holy God living in you Who can conquer ANY problem you may have in your life no matter how big or how small. His words ARE Truth. Truth doesn't change with time. And dwelling on those words will make you a stronger, more confident person even in the face of tragedy or death. I'm praying all goes smoothly on the 24th and God will be with you to calm your fears and nerves in the midst of calamity. Hug & Smootch!
    Kat (hope you're still awake!)

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  17. you will do great. if not, just count or breathe deep breaths. i am the say way, can't stand being inside something.
    Praying for you of course.

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  18. Hope all went well today,
    hugs and prayers
    K xx

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