Hello my friends, yes I am still here, I guess that is the good news, right? I have had a strange week so far this week. It began with a burst of energy on Monday, so much energy that after weeks of barely being able to lift a finger, I was cleaning and organizing our home, washing and getting things dried like a dervish, even got out down to the supermarket and did a big grocery shop! I not only cooked the evening meal but also prepped one for the next night, sorted out my sons bedrooms after weeks of having things put in the wrong places and in some cases just thrown haphazardly wherever. So, what was this phenomenon? I don't know. Sorry, but I don't. It hasn't lasted that's for sure. Tuesday was not near as productive and Tuesday the pain had increased which didn't help my state of mind. Terrified of that pain coming back!
Anyway the strange thing and really the thing I feel guilty about is that I felt really good on Monday morning, as I have said, and I kept Jack home from school with me. I didn't intend to, I did intend to let him sleep a bit late as he hadn't gone to sleep easily the night before. So I thought that I would let him have a bit of a sleep in and take him to school in time for morning recess. Well, it didn't happen. I just didn't want to take him and he didn't want to go and I just couldn't, it was as though I was paralyzed. Anyway, I went with it, with a mild feeling of guilt, but I overrode it with 'oh just one day while I feel good I just want to be with him'. Then Tuesday comes, same thing happens. Mum even rang me in the morning to see whether I wanted her to drop Jack off for me, so I didn't even have to go out, although I prefer to drop him off myself anyway but when I am too unwell she does it for me. I told her no thanks, I'd be fine and didn't mention to her that I hadn't gone the day before. Again, I got his lunch prepared, his uniform all laid out ready to put on, etc, etc. It came time to wake him up and I went to wake him and just couldn't. I just couldn't do it. I walked out of his room and though 'oh well, I'll take him today at recess time.' Didn't happen again! Well let's just say that today is Thursday and Jack and I have had the best day at home, making homemade playdough in all colors, doing 'school' work together, reading, just talking and laughing and having FUN. Life is way to short for me to get so stressed out about this and yet I did. I beat myself up for it and berated myself for being a bad, irresponsible Mother. And then I thought about the fact that my Specialists (including one yesterday) have told me that I am lucky to still be here, by all accounts I should already be dead. So, Jack is staying home with me all this week. We will do school work, we have been and will continue to do so over the weekend and we will visit with each other, have quality time with each other and I am not going to let guilt ruin it for me. The kids at school are all swimming this week which wouldn't have been good for Jack anyway as he just got over a nasty cold from the previous week, by the time they got back he would have had an hour and a half with the class and then time to go home anyway. I don't think I'm very popular with the teachers though, still, walk a mile as they say. Sometimes I wonder whether I should keep him home for an entire 12 months and just be with him and do things with him when I can. The only reason I don't do that is that I don't want things to be harder for him when I'm gone. If he has been used to spending all his time with me then it must be so much worse for him afterwards. At least if he stays at school and has his own life a bit it may not be such a loss. Even as I type those words though, they sound so very lame. No matter what I do, it is going to be an horrific loss for him isn't it. I honestly don't know what the best thing to do is. Is it to just spend as much time as possible with him and perhaps do home schooling? But I won't be well enough to do that so who am I kidding, no easy answers are there? I realize I am asking so many questions here that probably can't be answered. If anyone feels they have a solution please don't hesitate to share it with me. I'd be really interested to hear what you think, or what you'd do if (Heaven forbid) you were in my position. Maybe the best I can do is just keep him home sometimes and do fun things when the opportunity arises (or I make the opportunity arise) and let him go to school when I am not well and can't look after him properly, then he is better off out in the world learning and playing. If we get an opportunity to go away sometime then we go and just try and live that way, making the most of whatever comes and making the most of the days when I am 'well'. I can do a lot of homework with Jack so that hopefully anything he misses at school he will make up for at home.
Anyway, as you can see I am a little confused lately. I am starting counseling with Jack, very slowly starting to learn about how I can prepare him for my passing. I do believe that I have a gift in the fact that I have time before I die. If I died suddenly then there would be nothing I could do but to have some time before hand is something that I believe you have to look at as a gift and use it wisely, so I want to learn the best possible ways I can help Jack deal with this terrible thing. I have spoken to the staff at Hospice who offer this sort of counseling and they have seen the results. They are extremely confident that children do bounce back as long as they have the right support. That is key, the right support. I want that for Jack and he is entitled to it now, during and after. I just have this feeling in my gut that I need to start preparing him in some small ways. I am meeting with one of the counselors in two weeks time. Okay my dear friends, thanks for letting me talk this out, as always I so appreciate your comments and emails and support, thank you, I hold you so dear. Jen B.