Friday, 30 May 2008

Can't Run and Can't Hide...

Hello dear readers, I know it's been a while, I have been in a really bad place emotionally and physically lately. I know the last time I posted I was feeling so much better, well it was short lived unfortunately. I think I had about three really good days and then I was laid low with pain again. This time when the pain got me so did depression. I really spiralled down into it and it was horrific, still is pretty bad truth be told. I just seem to be at the end of my tether. I am so, so sad, heartbroken really as I feel this horrid disease getting it's grip on me and I see the end coming at me like a freight train hurtling down it's track. Like one of those dreams where your feet are as heavy as cement and you can't move out of the way, you panic and you try and you wake up just before it hits you....Only I can't wake up out of this. There is no escape from the pain of it. I am drained and frightened and sore and confused. I am in such pain that I can barely walk, I have to shuffle like an old person. I can't leave the house and I don't know what's going on, I don't know whether this pain is just how it's going to be for me from now on or whether there is something new going on that is causing it, the Doctors don't know, they have put me on antibiotics thinking it could be an infection again but so far there is no great relief. I don't even know what to write to you to be honest I am just out of words too I think. My mum came and stayed for the day with me when I was really bad, you wouldn't believe what happened, I was in a lot of pain as I have mentioned and I had been smelling gas in my kitchen recently, so had a few other people so I phoned the gas company and had them come and check for leaks which it turned out there was. They turned off my gas supply and said it was up to me to get a plumber and have it fixed and put back on. Fine, now I don't have any cooking, heating or hot water! I try phoning plumbers and have such trouble getting someone to come out it is ridiculous. Eventually (the next day) I find someone who can come and have a look at it for me. He comes out tests all over the property and can't find exactly where it's coming from but says the pipe from the house under the kitchen right out to the road is so old and deteriorated that it is cheaper and easier to replace the entire thing rather than spend dollars trying to find what could be several leaks right along and then trying to repair such an old pipe. Fine, I say, go ahead and replace it, well they can't do it that day, they can start it the next day and then finish it the day after that. All this time I am doing without the basics of life, all this time I am in a lot of pain, all this time I am absolutely miserable. Anyway I made do the first night as it wasn't freezing cold and my oven is electric so I used that. The next morning it was freezing cold, I woke up in pain and cold and so sad. I phoned mum to ask her to ring my Doctor for me to order a script and promptly burst into tears on the phone. She was so good and it just happens she had taken the day off work so she came up to me armed with kettles and heaters and she just spent the day with me keeping me company. She ordered in Chinese food that night for all of us and went home late that night when we were all okay. The house was warm and fairly cozy and we had all managed to have hip baths so things had improved quite a bit and we made it through until the job was done and the gas fixed. I tell you I was never so grateful for heat and hot water and cooking in my life. Anyway my point is, I guess that would upset a lot of people but it really sent me over the edge, I was a mess, I got a real taste of that horrible black depression, I even felt nauseous with it and just so so lost and alone. So I know this is taking it's toll on me, I don't know how much more I can take without breaking down, I really don't. I just don't get any respite from it, I am so worried sick for my boys that I could vomit when I think about it which is just so often throughout the day, it is consuming me. Anyway I really didn't want this to be a depressing post and it certainly is but that is where I'm at right now, hopefully I will find a way out of it but I really don't know how I will as the truth is just so awful that I don't know what to do with it, it is coming closer and closer and I can feel myself coping less and less well which just highlights how it's going to be when I cannot take care of Jack anymore and what is to become of him and me and oh it's just too much, too many unanswered questions and too much sadness. Perhaps somehow I will find my way out of this depression but at the moment it doesn't look good. My fighting spirit seems as though it has given in for a while. Anyway my friends I just wanted you to know why I haven't been posting lately and that is why, because I have nothing but miserable things to post about and that seems pointless. I will post again soon, especially if I manage to pull myself out of this slump I'm in but if you don't hear from me for a while don't worry I will check in every now and then to let you know what's happening. Take care.

32 comments:

  1. sweet Jen, I am wrapping my arms around you in love and hopes that you know how perfectly o.k. it is for you to always write from your heart knowing that we all want you to have that freedom with us. What makes me the saddest is the distance between us in miles but knowing in spirit, truly, we are together. Not ONE day passes where I don't think of you or pray for your beautiful life.
    Sending you so much love Jen, you truly are an amazing, amazing woman.
    I love you...
    love julia

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  2. Big Hugs and love to you Jen.
    love
    Leeanne x000000000000x

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  3. dear jen...write or don't write whatever is in your heart. this is your space to be yourself. i'm so sorry that things have become so difficult. i'm feeling so heavy for you. praying that you get the help and encouragement you need.

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  4. Jen, it is so nice to hear from you again. I am so sorry that things have not been good. I am glad you have written about how you really feel, as has been said in other comments, this is your blog and you can say what you like. I for one will be here no matter whether what you write is good bad or whatever ~ that is what friends are for (all be it a bloggy friend!!!).
    I am praying for you.
    sending love (as always), Tabitha XX

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  5. Jen, We are all holding your hand as it were and are here for you, all the time. I am sad that your "up" time didn't last too long....I figured you were having too good of a time, or took a bit of a turn and were trying to deal with things. I check your blog several times a day just to see if you have posted so that I can rejoice or cry with you and so that I know how to pray for you because I know that you will tell it like it is. I pray that knowing people really care about you, lessens your pain and burden. I pray for Jack and Jamie, too and their future.

    Here I am, for you, in California
    Ruthie

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  6. We are all there with you in spirit Jen, I hope things improve for you again soon. Hugs and good wishes and lots of prayers, Linda.

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  7. Oh, Jen, unfortunately, depression is part of the process too, and now you've hit it. But it's good you can say it, and no-one "out here" wants anything of you other than that you say whatever you need to say, and what you're feeling. I would love to be able to offer some comfort to you. If you feel like writing here, do. Try not to worry about how people receive it. - You do feel that concern because you are such a caring person, but this is for you, and people are here for you. Wishing for comfort for you.

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  8. I don't seem to have any words,
    so I'll keep pressing in with prayer.

    Much love-

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  9. Jen, don't feel bad about venting. Friends are there for you for better or worse. You can't keep it in. Let it go, and rest. Blessings poured on you.

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  10. Hoping it all get better soon...
    Sending you lots of love, hugs, and positive energy from Toronto, Canada

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  11. Just thinking of you and sending as much Reiki as I possibly can to you and Jack...xo k-

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  12. Hello Jen. My name is Wendy and I've been following your blog for about five months now. Like everyone else, I have been checking everyday to see if you have written and became concerned when we hadn't heard from you in a while. You had mentioned how well you were feeling following your last treatment but that sometimes it took a few days to feel the after effects of your treatments so I had a feeling that they had kicked in. It was no accident that I have come to read your blog. My 34 year old sister was just diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer spread to her liver about 7 weeks ago. I don't believe in coincidences and choose to call them "God incidents" instead. She, too, is a mother. She has two young children that are 4 and 2 years old. She has a very positive attitude about everything and has kept her sense of humor. I am 7 years older than her and have never felt very close to her, probably because we've always been at different stages in our life. This has brought us closer together and we now have talks that we've never had before. She tells me about her fears, her feelings of guilt for all of the donations coming in for she and her husband and the two kids when so many people are having financial hardships right now. She has told me that she has always had a fear of confrontation with people and held things in and believes that this is one of the reasons that this disease has manifested in her body. What a gift for her to make that connection. I sobbed and sobbed for several days after her diagnosis and, being a very happy person by nature, could not go on like that. My family has experienced many losses in the last five years including my step-father, father and husband. All three very sudden and at a very young age. I got on my hands and knees and surrendered it all to God. I asked Him to take it away from me because I couldn't live like that for another minute. I told Him that I trusted Him to take care of things and that I was ready to turn it all over to Him and release the sadness and the outcome of my sister's illness to Him. I yelled it, Jen. Do you know that I woke up the next morning and it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The smile returned. The laughter returned. I cannot, for one second, say that I know what you're going thru. I hope you can find the strength to ask God to take all of your fears and worries and sadness from you. He is right there for you. Ask and it is given. Know that your boys will be okay. Life is full of lessons to be learned and, for whatever reason, your boys are meant to learn something from this in this lifetime. I have you and my sister on my reiki grid and am sending you perpetual healing energy. My thoughts are always with you, as are my prayers. I have never met you but I know that you have been put into my life for a reason. Please take care and God bless. ~ Wendy in New York, U.S.A.

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  13. Dear Jen, how I wish you were feeling better; I think of you often and hope and pray for the best for you. Please keep writing the bad stuff, if it helps, we all can take it, really! If I weren't so far away I would bring you some flowers and lovely treats and tuck you up and take care of you for a time so you wouldn't need to worry about everything. I know you have people there who will do that for you, but know you are in my thoughts.
    Ginny

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  14. Please share all of your feelings...good, bad and indifferent. This is your experience and sharing will only allow others, perhaps in a similar position, to realize that all of the feelings that come your way are normal. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through but I can relate to that horrible anxious depressive fear that makes you feel nauseous. I wish I could make everything better, but I can't. But I am here for you, to listen and comfort and send my prayers each and every day. I'm so sorry Jen. Thank you for just being honest. Hugs Lisa

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  15. Jen, please don't feel you need to be cheery here. We come to see how you're doing. Pure and simple. How you're doing in all the complexities of the situation. Don't sugar coat it. Don't feel the need. Just be real and honest (as you are). It is a gift to all of us, the peek into your experience. We all learn from your words. Trust me, we do.

    I can certainly say we all wish we could erase your pain. The horror that you had these other hassles to navigate (!), heartbreaking.

    It's so easy to say, but please, please, be kind to yourself in any way that you can. If that includes screaming at the walls, go for it. I have buckled under far less trying circumstances. Your spirit and bravery is beyond remarkable.

    Hugs...

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  16. Jen, you are in my thoughts every day, and in my prayers too. Like others, I wish that I could help to share your burden - to carry some of the pain or to at least help out with the little things.

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  17. just hugs and good thoughts for you and the boys.

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  18. lovely jeni,
    i am here for you always. i am so so sorry to hear this is happening..you are so beautiful and such a blessing to all who know you. i am with you in spirit as i pray for you now..

    i love you sweet friend,
    shelbi

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  19. Hang in there, baby. You're doing so well; it's just hard right now.

    I was coming to invite you to join us in a new project (MothersWithCancer.com), but if you need some time and space away from it, I totally understand.

    - WhyMommy, from Toddler Planet

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  20. I'm so very glad you are able to express the darkness as well as light... know that we are all here, holding your sadness and grief and pain with you, and wanting to know exactly how you feel and that it's totally okay, no matter what.

    Hugs and prayers and wishing I could do more,
    daphne

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  21. Oh, dear Jen. How I wish I could wrap my arms around you to give you a hug.

    Unfortunately, life has brought you to a place we all fear. I've been praying so hard for you, but I was afraid that the pain had caught up with you. Your care providers must give you something to relieve the pain because no one should have to tolerate it. Have they tried a Fentanyl patch? If they can relieve some of the pain it will be easier on you and your boys. Even if it does make you sleep, it is better for all of you for you to not be in so much pain. That much pain is unacceptable in our society because we can relieve it.

    You have fought an admirable fight, and you are and have been a good mother to your sons. It seems as if your boys have fathers that love them, and you don't need to worry that they will be given care. Your boys know the gift of love that you give them.

    I know in my heart that God has a plan for you, and that plan is based on his love. Take His hand, and try to place this on Him. He can bear your burden. I will continue to pray for your peace and your pain relief.

    I hope the love we all feel for you can bring some comfort. Say anything you want to us anytime you want.

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  22. Prayers going up for you dear one. Glad you were able to get the pipes fixed. Vent,vent,vent all you need to as this is your place to do so. Rest and know that we all care for you. Hugs to you.

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  23. JEN-the-BRAVE-the WARRIOR!
    You are one tough cookie and you're going to make it through this whole terrible mess like a CHAMPION!!! I look forward to checking your blog daily in hopes of hearing any new story or development in your life. I (LIKE SO MANY OTHERS!) pray God will comfort you no matter how hopeless you feel and how unfairly you feel you have been dealt the cards. It hurts my heart hearing your despair! It's not fair for a young, beautiful mother to have to experience this in her lifetime. But you're not in this alone. God has a plan for each of us. Not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future. That's scripture--and God keeps His promises. You can count on Him, my friend. We just have to surrender it all to His son, Jesus. HE's the One who takes every rotten burden we have and carries them for us. We cannot possibly bear our troubles alone. He's knocking at the door and wants you to let Him in your heart. I'm praying you'll receive Him today. {{{Okay, that's the sermon for the day!!!}}}
    Jen, know that you're loved all around the WORLD!!! And your "PRAYER WARRIORS" are keeping the lines of communication open 24/7. ANYTHING you need to share or bare is so right with us here!!! Pour it out!!! (((HuGs))) (((sMooTcheS)))
    kat-in-texas

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  24. Dear Jen,

    I am so sorry to read of your increased pain and depression. Please know that I am thinking of you always...

    Annie

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  25. I can only hope and pray that you can feel all the love sent your way today (& everyday) and find some comfort in it. One of your humble admirers... XOXO

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  26. Dearest Jenni—Wherever you are we are right there with you in love. No matter how hard it is we are here for you, checking in and sending our love, our good wishes. We are praying for you. All of us who don't know each other and have never met you except in spirit. Most of all, no matter what, we love you. Truly. How I wish we could be there with you to help you out but we are here. Wherever you are it is fine for you to tell us and when you do we get a chance to say once more that we love you. Plain and simple. Just as you are and always. You are brave beyond brave and there isn't one of us who wouldn't feel as you do. But even in your most deserved sorrow you light up our hearts. That is the miracle. You are making us see and feel the greatness of the human spirit. It takes more courage and spirit to feel the pain and sorrow than anything else and to tell us. Your boys will forever feel as we do and are so blessed to have a mother who is so present and full of love. What greater gift is there? I thank you a million times for showing us what it is to be human on the highest level and send you a million hugs and love.

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  27. Hi Jen,
    Gosh, it seems silly to say but I'm glad you posted today and yesterday as not hearing (even crabby stuff) gets me worried about you! I'm sorry you are having some more crappier than crappy days... the gas leak and being without heat and all can send anyone over the edge - not to mention someone dealing with unbearable pain so just know that.

    I hope something kicks in to relieve you soon - the antibiotics or perhaps it's that "it gets worse before it gets better" thing. Whichever it is, I hope you're on the mend pronto!

    Sending you prayers and good, warm thoughts every day~
    xo,
    Cate in Cal

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  28. Jen;

    I just wanted you to know that you have so many people around the world who care for you. I know that I check your blog everyday to see how you are doing. You are in my thoughts and you are in my prayers. You are an incredibly brave and wonderful woman. I just wish I didn't live half a world away. I'd love to be able to help you out.

    Please hang in there and don't ever feel bad that you're human. You have such courage and I know that many of us are touched by you and your honesty.

    ((hug))

    Maureen

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  29. (((((Jen)))))

    I truly hope that you find some comfort and joy every day - but also if there are days when you can't, understand that you are allowed to scream and shout or weep and wallow about it.

    Its your blog. I think it marvellous that your Mum could come through for you and give you a good day in a bad week. Great that the gas got fixed, too.

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  30. oh jen, my superhero.....no words today, but a thousand hugs and prayers are coming your way as I type this !!

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