Hello dear readers, I know it's been a while, I have been in a really bad place emotionally and physically lately. I know the last time I posted I was feeling so much better, well it was short lived unfortunately. I think I had about three really good days and then I was laid low with pain again. This time when the pain got me so did depression. I really spiralled down into it and it was horrific, still is pretty bad truth be told. I just seem to be at the end of my tether. I am so, so sad, heartbroken really as I feel this horrid disease getting it's grip on me and I see the end coming at me like a freight train hurtling down it's track. Like one of those dreams where your feet are as heavy as cement and you can't move out of the way, you panic and you try and you wake up just before it hits you....Only I can't wake up out of this. There is no escape from the pain of it. I am drained and frightened and sore and confused. I am in such pain that I can barely walk, I have to shuffle like an old person. I can't leave the house and I don't know what's going on, I don't know whether this pain is just how it's going to be for me from now on or whether there is something new going on that is causing it, the Doctors don't know, they have put me on antibiotics thinking it could be an infection again but so far there is no great relief. I don't even know what to write to you to be honest I am just out of words too I think. My mum came and stayed for the day with me when I was really bad, you wouldn't believe what happened, I was in a lot of pain as I have mentioned and I had been smelling gas in my kitchen recently, so had a few other people so I phoned the gas company and had them come and check for leaks which it turned out there was. They turned off my gas supply and said it was up to me to get a plumber and have it fixed and put back on. Fine, now I don't have any cooking, heating or hot water! I try phoning plumbers and have such trouble getting someone to come out it is ridiculous. Eventually (the next day) I find someone who can come and have a look at it for me. He comes out tests all over the property and can't find exactly where it's coming from but says the pipe from the house under the kitchen right out to the road is so old and deteriorated that it is cheaper and easier to replace the entire thing rather than spend dollars trying to find what could be several leaks right along and then trying to repair such an old pipe. Fine, I say, go ahead and replace it, well they can't do it that day, they can start it the next day and then finish it the day after that. All this time I am doing without the basics of life, all this time I am in a lot of pain, all this time I am absolutely miserable. Anyway I made do the first night as it wasn't freezing cold and my oven is electric so I used that. The next morning it was freezing cold, I woke up in pain and cold and so sad. I phoned mum to ask her to ring my Doctor for me to order a script and promptly burst into tears on the phone. She was so good and it just happens she had taken the day off work so she came up to me armed with kettles and heaters and she just spent the day with me keeping me company. She ordered in Chinese food that night for all of us and went home late that night when we were all okay. The house was warm and fairly cozy and we had all managed to have hip baths so things had improved quite a bit and we made it through until the job was done and the gas fixed. I tell you I was never so grateful for heat and hot water and cooking in my life. Anyway my point is, I guess that would upset a lot of people but it really sent me over the edge, I was a mess, I got a real taste of that horrible black depression, I even felt nauseous with it and just so so lost and alone. So I know this is taking it's toll on me, I don't know how much more I can take without breaking down, I really don't. I just don't get any respite from it, I am so worried sick for my boys that I could vomit when I think about it which is just so often throughout the day, it is consuming me. Anyway I really didn't want this to be a depressing post and it certainly is but that is where I'm at right now, hopefully I will find a way out of it but I really don't know how I will as the truth is just so awful that I don't know what to do with it, it is coming closer and closer and I can feel myself coping less and less well which just highlights how it's going to be when I cannot take care of Jack anymore and what is to become of him and me and oh it's just too much, too many unanswered questions and too much sadness. Perhaps somehow I will find my way out of this depression but at the moment it doesn't look good. My fighting spirit seems as though it has given in for a while. Anyway my friends I just wanted you to know why I haven't been posting lately and that is why, because I have nothing but miserable things to post about and that seems pointless. I will post again soon, especially if I manage to pull myself out of this slump I'm in but if you don't hear from me for a while don't worry I will check in every now and then to let you know what's happening. Take care.