Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Thank You Darlings...

Oh my darlings, you sure know how to make a girl cry. I have just come home briefly to check in, there are too many messages to answer but I appreciate each and everyone one of then so very much. Unfortunately, I have been given a bit of a bum steer in terms of Jack being able to stay in Hospice with me. That is actually not the case, apart from a night here and there, so the woman that told me it was possible has really got a lot to answer for as I pinned all my hopes on this. Anyway, Jacks Dad came down and can stay at my place this week at least but that's it. After that who knows and yet they are saying I need to be in Hospice for a lot longer yet. The pain last night, defied description I have never felt such pain in my life including child birth, I was a sobbing mess, eventually they had to knock me out and I finally got some rest. Anyway they are comparing scans and trying very hard to work out what is best to do. I know I desperately need chemo, the longer I go without it, the bigger the tumour is growing and pressing further on the nerves. So now not only do I have megga pain that is not responding to treatment, I have a child not welcome at Hospice and my life is completely screwed. I spent the night in tears and most of the day too, I don't have think I have any left but who knows, I will let you know how tonight goes. I am a broken woman. There is talk about Jack having to move up with David to Warragul and change schools and everything. I said NO WAY I am not giving him up when I am not ready to die and I am not giving him up twice. I will work something out. There is no way he needs to go to another school, he needs the security of his local school here and his friends and having close contact with me. Anyway my friends, it is a lot to contemplate tonight, I will do my best and I will not be letting my son go away from me no matter what. Please keep praying and sending me your love and care, I need you all so desperately right now. I hate to have to go, but I must leave now to go back to Hospice as they need to medicate me there, it is too dangerous to be on the medication I need to be on at home. I will be thinking of you and I will post again either tomorrow or the next day, I promise. Love to you all, my heart is full of you love and hugs to each and every one of you. xxxx


  1. Oh Jen, what was that woman thinking. I hope something can be worked out quickly for both you sakes. If you have run out of tears, you can have come of mine.
    If there is anything at all I can do let me know.
    Hugs and prayers
    Karen xx

  2. Sending you love from Toronto.

  3. Oh Jen, I just don't know what to say. I wish I didn't live on a different continent! Lot's of hugs and I will be thinking about you today.xo

  4. Always sending love and prayers, Dearest Jen, from Portugal.
    Bete xx

  5. i have never had the pleasure of meeting you, but in reading of your joys and sorrows i am touched as deeply as if we had been friends for many years. i am so thankful that i have been able to share in your brave journey. i will be praying for you here in pittsburgh, pa.

  6. I dont know you, Jen, but my heart is aching for you and I will pray that answers come swiftly for you and your precious Jack :*) love and blessings from Spokane WA xxoo

  7. From this tiny cottage beside a big ol' lake on the North fringe of Tampa, Florida ... is winging all of the energies of Love and Powers of compassionate Care summonable by this crusty old man who has given all of his Heart's content to You.

    Jen Ballantyne, I love You!!

  8. My dear friend John-Michael sent me your way. I'm glad he did. My heart goes out to you, along with my strength and courage. I will keep you in my prayers, my heart, and my thoughts. (((((gentle hugs and loving thoughts))))

  9. I'm sorry to hear that things are so painful for you...


  10. You need your boy, I would too in your position. Anyone else to care for him, in your home, while you are there? I'd do it in a heartbeat if I were your friend, neighbor, sister, mother. I don't understand the whole hospice mistake either. Keep your hopes up, no matter what. You're still here and YOU are still a wonderful mom, woman, fighter and I so feel a little, tiny bit of your pain. I want you to know you are in my mind and heart. You are important and cared for so much here...

  11. Sending you many prayers today

  12. John-Michael forwarded me this post, Jen. I don't know you, but I cannot understand why a child would be barred from being with you at such a time. I am so sorry for your pain on all of the levels.

    You will be in my prayers and thoughts. Sending you healing vibes from The Land of Enchantment...

    Santa Fe, New Mexico

  13. Will be thinking of you today and praying for your pain to be lifted and that you can get back Jack!!! The Lord promises he will not give us more than we can bear....and although everything about your circumstance seems unbearable I pray you can cling to that promise now!
    Much love,
    Robyn (California)

  14. You're in my thoughts, love to you from Edmonton.


  15. Sending you much love and prayers. I hope something works out. I totally admire you being a bear mum and saying no way is he going.

  16. John Michael sent me here... and I wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts. I'm sorry for your pain and what your family is experiencing right now...

  17. Just like some of the others, I too come by the way of John-Michael. And I am so very glad that I did. I hope you realise that to care about the well being of another doesn't mean you have to know them it just means that you care what happens to them. I send love, healing and wellness to you and Jack. I am wishing you the best and will be back to check on you;o)

  18. Like others I am sent here by way of John-Michael. I too have known the pain of children being "banned" from visiting when in hospital.

    I understand the need to reduce the incidence of potential infection and the upset children could cause to others, but my need to see my children outweighed that for me. I threatened to see my children in the corridor if a room was not made available for me, and with planning, respect on both sides (I ensured my children did not leave the room or make a noise and stuck to time limits etc) I was able to spend up to an hour a day with them, if I was able. This was so important to them and to me. It was difficult sometimes finding care for them at home but I managed in the end barring some days when I didn't see them as they were on "holiday". I agree with you, it is vital they remain with familiar things.

    All my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. And with Jack. xxx

  19. Hi Jen,

    John-Michael helped me find your blog. I know I don't know you and I feel a little inadequate as I have no real experience of the awful pain you are experiencing but am sending love and prayers your way - for peace and for your son to be with you.

    Much love,

  20. This is my first time here. I just wanted to say hi, and that my prayers will be with you tonight.
    (Came over from Debi and Aims)
    Biddie xx

  21. It looks like you have a great friend in John-Michael. Your post has deeply touched my heart. You are an inspiration to others, including me.

    With my heartfelt wishes
    Crystal Jigsaw xx

  22. Jen-
    Words cannot even begin to describe how my heart aches hearing this news. It will get worked out--I am sure of it. I am sending love your way--
    so sorry my dear one
    i hate that this is happening
    love you

  23. John-Michael is spreading the word that you need support, prayers, and our thoughts. And here I am too - thinking of you.

    I noted Crazycath's comment and wondered if that would be possible for you and Jack.

    You will never be alone again obviously as we are all with you on this.

    Thinking of you.

  24. Sending Love from Nova Scotia.

  25. Hi! Aims pointed me in your direction. :) I'm a little late to the game and am not sure exactly what all is going on but it sounds like you need some ears and a shoulder or two to lean on. :)

    I had Stage 3 cancer two years ago and it was rough going. I fell pretty normal now, maybe that'll give you some hope. :)

    Hospice must be different there than it is in the US, I had a nurse come into the home a few times, can you get someone to do that there?

    Please feel free to email me if you'd like. I've kinda been where you are and am happy to lend a shoulder. XO

  26. found you through john-michael....please know you are in my heart and prayers as is your son.....

  27. Oh, Jen! My prayers and hopes are that this will be resolved really quickly, so that Jack can be with you, and that you won't have to be worrying about him being apart from you. I want to send out strength and light to you, you dear girl.

  28. Love and hugs from Edmonton. Take care sweetie.

  29. Jen, John-Michael sent me over. I will send you healing energy and will add you to my healing candle prayers.

    Blessed Be.

  30. Hello beautiful Jen,
    I am so sorry for your pain. As always, Love and more love and tons of prayers are being sent your way. Hang in there sweetie, I know it is easier said than done. I hope you go home very soon. Love, Rosemary~

  31. Oh dear darling Jen, my heart aches for you.

    Sending you love and hugs.

    You sound very determined to keep your sweet boy close by, and I am sure there will be a way for it to happen.

    Stay strong.

  32. oh NO Jen! How dreadfully disappointing. AAARgh!! - Just when things were looking so positive.....

    Hopefully the perfect solution will present itself soon.


    Rebecca xxx

  33. As Meredith wrote, I wish I didn't live a continent away. There are so many of us that would like to be there to make things easier for you. You are in my prayers as is Jack.

    God Bless, from New Era, Michigan USA


  34. oh jen, i'm so sorry that things have developed this way. i hear the frustration in your words: one sorrow piled on another and another until it's just too much to bear. i wish i could say something that would make it better. i'm praying for you now and hoping that some creative solution will appear. take care dear.

  35. Hello sweet Jenni,
    my heart filled with pain for the distress you are in right now. Of course you can count on the prayers of the faithful to lift you up and cover you in prayer. Thank you for taking the time to let us all know what is going on with you and Jack in spite of all you are enduring, bless your heart Jen, The Lord bless you and keep you turn His face toward you and bring you peace..
    much love, hugs and more love,
    p.s. going to send you a little something soon, so be on the lookout :)

  36. Dear Jen,

    I've taken the time to read your entire blog. I can feel your pain and the stress you are experiencing about your sons.

    My heart aches for you and your family. Much love, good thoughts and prayers sent your way.

  37. Hi Jen,
    Oh dear, I hope that you can get your treatment and pain control managed and get back home to be with Jack. Can your Mum come? Sister? I'm glad his father is willing. It sounds a little odd, but maybe a long term sitter? I'm sure you've thought of all the options and will find one that will work until you can be home.

    Sending you thoughts of healing and hoping that the pain gets taken care of - you really are one tough cookie!

    Take good care of yourself...and let others do it for you, too!
    Cate from California

  38. I am in Melbourne...on the other side of Melbourne, but in Melbourne still... if there is anything I can do to help, just please let me know. I hear your frustration and sorrow and I just wish you didn't have to go through all this. I am praying that you will find a way through all this and I know you will.

    Warmest Wishes,
    Linda @ Barefoot in the Park

  39. Hey Jen,

    You and that gorgeous boy Jack and in my thoughts.

    I cannot believe that they would not let Jack be with you, do they not have a heart!!! You are right Jack needs to be here with stability school, friends etc.

    My love as always Jen

    Love Deb Ross xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  40. jen, love is an amazing salve for the broken. know that you are thought of, know that you are loved and heal. i shall keep you in my prayers. john michael has left us a double edged blessing, one that touches me deeply as well as offers you support. those of us who can, love our children beyond all that is imaginable. they are but tiny fingerlings of our deepest inner essence..of course you need him near, have faith, it will work out.