I am going back into Hospice in the morning! This is the plan for now. Jacks Dad will take more time off of work and come here to be with him. Jack is full of a nasty cold, cough and sore throat so he really wants to be with me as do all children when they are less than 100 per cent well. It breaks my heart to go again but I am just not managing at home. The pain is breaking through far too often. The District Nurses have let me down terribly in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I wish the few that were so bad didn't ruin it for the ones that are so good but I cannot keep silent about it. It scares me for elderly people, for vulnerable people who perhaps cannot speak up for what they need. They have sorely tested me, I have been in a very vulnerable position myself but not as vulnerable as say an elderly person who perhaps hasn't even got the strength to speak up. The nurses that have been wonderful have been thin on the ground, as is often the way. Finally this Monday morning, I got a wonderful Nurse who it turns out is in charge of the rest, thankfully she came in and fixed up the devastation left behind by these other completely inept persons. She was less than happy with what she found and that was before I even told her anything. She could tell by the way the syringes has been made up incorrectly, by the lack of labeling, the lack of proper sterilization, the complete lack of care. Now that is bad enough but it was all done with such total rudeness and arrogance that it really just took my breath away. I honestly fear for those weaker than I and more vulnerable than I. It is a system than needs serious cleaning out. The Nurses that were helpful were absolutely wonderful there is no doubt about that but unfortunately, they were not the norm. Anyway I wont go into everything that they did so incompetently because it would bore the socks off you but just a quick idea are things like, not putting the correct amount of medication into the syringe so that when I would go to top up my tube, it would just spill out the sides and never make it under my skin. They left the syringes with the incorrect amount of drug in them open and therefore not sterile. They neglected to show me the correct way to draw up a syringe for when I needed it in the night even though they had very direct orders from the Doctor to do so. They were rude, arrogant and absolutely disgraceful. I have asked not to have them in my home again as I don't believe any human being should be treated the way they treated me, let alone someone vulnerable and unwell. Honestly, if I get well again, I am going to look into these sorts of things and fight for people that can't speak up or that are just too vulnerable. It truly breaks my heart to think of them being treated so poorly and perhaps not even realizing that there are better ways and they are suffering needlessly. What kind of world are we living in? Thankfully I also see the absolute beauty humanity is capable of giving, I think this is what has got me through the past few days as without it I would be in total despair I believe. It is not in my nature to want to acknowledge the negative and ugly things in this world, I much prefer to focus on the good, the beautiful, the righteous, etc but I cannot in good faith stay silent simply because these issues are unpleasant. I will speak out again and again, as long as I am able too. I don't know whether it will do any good at all but I pray that it will. I am asking God how I may be used to help. Put me to use while I am still alive, if I can speak the truth for folks that can't, then so be it, if I have to suffer in order to help others then I am up for it, I feel very passionately about this. There is too much needless suffering in this world. Too much. We must not tolerate ego in the world of healing and health and helping those that are vulnerable. There is no room for ego in this area, there needs to be zero tolerance, absolute zero tolerance. The sick of the world are already suffering beyond what healthy people can imagine, they do not deserve to have any more suffering added to their already considerable load. People that take on the responsibility to help those in need should take their position so very seriously, it should be viewed as so much more than a job, it should be viewed as a calling. I don't know how we go about weeding out all those that place themselves in this industry with anything less than a true heart and a true purpose in wanting to help those that suffer, but I do know that everything begins by taking a step at a time, just putting one foot in front of the other and not giving up.