Hi everyone, I am sorry I just disappeared so suddenly. I didn't even have a minute to blog and explain why and I didn't have access to a computer the whole week so I couldn't let anyone know what was going on. Anyway I will explain now, I woke up last Thursday morning in a lot of pain, I felt like the top of my right leg was stiff or I had slept on it funny or something, as the morning went on the pain got worse and worse till I really couldn't stand it. I was supposed to go in for chemo that morning as I had put it off the day before, I hadn't felt well enough to go. Anyway Mum rang the chemo ward to say I wouldn't be in and she spoke with Carmel who is in charge there and Carmel told Mum to go ahead and call me an ambulance and get me to hospice. So Mum did that and got me an ambulance to take me to the Unit where my Pain Specialist works. I was given some morphine when the ambulance guys arrived and that took a tiny edge off the pain, once I got to hospice they gave me Ketamine (sp?) which helped quite a bit more. Whilst I was there my temperature skyrocketed and my blood count got really bad so they explained to me that I needed to go to hospital so I could have access to Cat Scans and other equipment that may be needed, so, number two ambulance was called and I was moved from hospice to the hospital before I had even settled in for the night. Long story short I stayed in Hospital for two nights which was terrifying as I was so open to infection and hospitals over here are notorious for golden staff and such, then came back, via ambulance, to hospice, thank goodness and spent the remaining time there getting cared for and getting my pain under control. I have come home today (Friday) tentatively, with my medicine attached to me leading into my body via a tube. It is helping a lot but I do have the occasional break through of pain so my room at Hospice is still mine and I am out on an overnight pass to see how I go, if the pain becomes to much I must go straight back to them. If not, then I am due back in the morning to have them top up my ketamine and talk to me about topping it up myself. The District Nurses will call on me every 48 hours to top up the medicine but I have to learn how to do the break through top ups myself. So we'll see what happens, so far so good, I've been home approximately 2 hours and I am okay. I'm a bit nervous but glad to be back, although being in Palliative Care was so exactly what I needed. I didn't realize just how exhausted I was until I could sleep as much as I needed to and I didn't have to take care of anything, not even myself. It was exactly what I needed. The people that work there are so wonderful and caring, it's just such a peaceful, beautiful place to be. Jack was able to come and stay with me a couple of nights, which was great, they encourage family and were just wonderful with him, so if I have to go back it is no great hardship, just a bit more difficult now that school is back on Monday so I really would like to be on the ball and on top of this pain so I can start being a Mum again. I certainly provided them with a challenge, my pain was difficult to get on top of but they have managed and it is just such a relief I can't tell you. I do have to carry around this kind of plastic gun looking device but compared to being in pain all day every day, this is nothing. Anyway my darlings, I am so sorry for disappearing and thank you all for your concern, I appreciate it so much and it was terrible not being able to have access to a computer, as you could imagine, especially knowing that you would be wondering about me. Anyway I am here now and remain, as always, grateful for your comments and prayers. I will write more soon but must go and have a bit of a rest now, take good care and I will be back online tonight or tomorrow (unless I go back into hospice of course). Love to you all, Jen xxxx.