Friday, 4 April 2008

I'm Back Home

Hi everyone, I am sorry I just disappeared so suddenly. I didn't even have a minute to blog and explain why and I didn't have access to a computer the whole week so I couldn't let anyone know what was going on. Anyway I will explain now, I woke up last Thursday morning in a lot of pain, I felt like the top of my right leg was stiff or I had slept on it funny or something, as the morning went on the pain got worse and worse till I really couldn't stand it. I was supposed to go in for chemo that morning as I had put it off the day before, I hadn't felt well enough to go. Anyway Mum rang the chemo ward to say I wouldn't be in and she spoke with Carmel who is in charge there and Carmel told Mum to go ahead and call me an ambulance and get me to hospice. So Mum did that and got me an ambulance to take me to the Unit where my Pain Specialist works. I was given some morphine when the ambulance guys arrived and that took a tiny edge off the pain, once I got to hospice they gave me Ketamine (sp?) which helped quite a bit more. Whilst I was there my temperature skyrocketed and my blood count got really bad so they explained to me that I needed to go to hospital so I could have access to Cat Scans and other equipment that may be needed, so, number two ambulance was called and I was moved from hospice to the hospital before I had even settled in for the night. Long story short I stayed in Hospital for two nights which was terrifying as I was so open to infection and hospitals over here are notorious for golden staff and such, then came back, via ambulance, to hospice, thank goodness and spent the remaining time there getting cared for and getting my pain under control. I have come home today (Friday) tentatively, with my medicine attached to me leading into my body via a tube. It is helping a lot but I do have the occasional break through of pain so my room at Hospice is still mine and I am out on an overnight pass to see how I go, if the pain becomes to much I must go straight back to them. If not, then I am due back in the morning to have them top up my ketamine and talk to me about topping it up myself. The District Nurses will call on me every 48 hours to top up the medicine but I have to learn how to do the break through top ups myself. So we'll see what happens, so far so good, I've been home approximately 2 hours and I am okay. I'm a bit nervous but glad to be back, although being in Palliative Care was so exactly what I needed. I didn't realize just how exhausted I was until I could sleep as much as I needed to and I didn't have to take care of anything, not even myself. It was exactly what I needed. The people that work there are so wonderful and caring, it's just such a peaceful, beautiful place to be. Jack was able to come and stay with me a couple of nights, which was great, they encourage family and were just wonderful with him, so if I have to go back it is no great hardship, just a bit more difficult now that school is back on Monday so I really would like to be on the ball and on top of this pain so I can start being a Mum again. I certainly provided them with a challenge, my pain was difficult to get on top of but they have managed and it is just such a relief I can't tell you. I do have to carry around this kind of plastic gun looking device but compared to being in pain all day every day, this is nothing. Anyway my darlings, I am so sorry for disappearing and thank you all for your concern, I appreciate it so much and it was terrible not being able to have access to a computer, as you could imagine, especially knowing that you would be wondering about me. Anyway I am here now and remain, as always, grateful for your comments and prayers. I will write more soon but must go and have a bit of a rest now, take good care and I will be back online tonight or tomorrow (unless I go back into hospice of course). Love to you all, Jen xxxx.


  1. Even in the midst of such pain, your spirit shines. Praying for rest, comfort, and vitality for you.

  2. Glad to hear from you! I have to say that Ketamine is one of my favorites for pain control. I think it's like liquid ibuprofen but much stronger. So happy it's working for you. Do the docs know what the pain is from? Just routine therapy-type pain or maybe a weird nerve? Whatever it is, I hope it goes away as quickly as it came on.
    Take good care of yourself - I'm glad you're having others help, too, and it's super cool that Jack could stay with you.

    Prayers and wishes for you always...
    Cate in Cal

  3. Thank you Jennifer, you are so sweet to keep supporting me.

    Hi Cate, yes the pain is caused by the tumour pressing on the nerves of my spine, so it is neuropathic (sp?) pain which is a tough pain to control. My Pain Specialist (Brian) has planted the seed of the possibility of surgery on the nerves, just a seed for now but perhaps long term this will be the answer, we shall see. Thank you for your comment and your care Jen xx

  4. Dear Jen,

    Hope you remember us Jen!!
    It has been a little while since we visited, we have been away and just got home last week, you have been in our thoughts all that time, we often say to each other 'wonder how Jen is doing today' You writing is beautiful, easy, like chatting to a friend, and despite your pain and everything you are going through you are so brave and so sweet. Be strong sweetie, always keep hope. We wholeheartedly agree with Jennifer's comment (above) your spirit shines so bright!

    What a lovely thing of your friends to do. And Jack is such a gorgeous boy, you must be so proud of him!

    Take care Jen, enjoy the Autumn colours so pretty now, we hope you have peace, comfort and respite from this nasty nasty pain.

    Gentle hugs,
    Jenn and Jacqui

  5. So sorry to hear that you have been in so much pain, but so glad to know you were where you needed to be to get the help and rest you needed.

    Always in my thoughts


    leeanne x

  6. I'm sending love and caring to you dear Jen, always.
    A huge hug,

  7. Jen, blog or no you are in my thoughts. My last post is called "Tenderness" and it seems to be the very thing I'm feeling towards you and everyone these days - picturing you in palliative care getting the rest and loving care you need brings tears to my eyes. May this space only support you.

    With love and appreciation for your light.

    xo Jena

  8. Jen:
    Happy to hear that you were being so cared for and that you accepted it with an open heart and got the rest you deserved. It was just so nice to hear again from you. Take care and here's a big hug.

  9. I'm sorry you have been in such pain, and I'm grateful to hear that you have been able to get some relief.
    Your strength is matched only by your tenderness.
    Love to you my warrior friend.

  10. Glad to hear you received some gentle care. I was wondering how you were. Take care of yourself. Loving thoughts coming your way...

  11. Jen, I am terribly sorry to hear that you have been in so much pain, but so glad to know you received the help you needed, and that sweet Jack was able to be with you. As always I have been thinking of you, and what an amazing woman you are. I hope you have a good weekend,
    Your anonymous friend from Toronto.

  12. sorry to hear about your awful/painful experience. Sounds like the medicine and the care at Hospice is just what you needed. I'm glad to hear that you receive such wonderful care so deserve it!! I hope you're time home is more than just one night...but I also want you to stay comfortable. I was worried about you...still am actually. Yes, your spirit shines so're such an people all over the world. Get your needed rest. Your sons and you are so blessed to have each other.

  13. Hi Jen,

    So so Sorry that you have to put up with such dreadful pain - but I'm glad you got some well-deserved rest. Take care of yourself as best you can - and accept whatever help you are offered. Still thinking of you and praying and hoping for you and your boys.

    Rebecca XX

  14. (deep sigh of relief) it's wonderful to "hear" your sweet voice again Jenni, we all were certainly concerned for you but understand fully. Take care of you first Jenni, we will always be here waiting and praying,
    with love

  15. I am so sorry to hear about the pain you have been going through, but glad to hear you have found some respite from your it, which is a small blessing at least. My thoughts and prayers are with you as always. I'm sending lots of good wishes!!

    Linda @ Barefoot in the Park

  16. Hello Jen,
    Glad to hear that you are not in so much pain anymore. You do continue to have such great spirit and an upbeat attitude. I think of you daily and always pray for you. I hope the meds keep the pain at bay and whatever caused the pain, to not return. I hope you have a cozy weekend with your boys. Hugs, Rosemary~

  17. I'm so glad to hear that they are taking such good care of you and that the pain is somewhat under control.It's wonderful that Jack is able to stay with you when you are there. As always - I'm sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.


  18. I am sorry to hear the pain has been worrying you but glad to hear that you had that time in hospice -some quality rest will help you recharge. And having your little man staying there with you is pretty good medicine too.They are such beautiful people that work in that field.
    Always in my prayers
    K x

  19. I come here several times a day looking for you, and when you are gone I try not to worry and to pray for you, but have to confess that I do worry. Jen, everything these women above say is so true. Your spirit shines like the sun and you write like an earth mother. That sounds clumsy, but I can't think of how to say it. You want to protect and nurture everyone else, and even when you are in so much pain, you still care more for everyone else. I pray that the pain will be managed and I still pray for miraculous healing. A big, long, tight hug for you and Jack too!

  20. Dear Jen and Jaqui, thank you for your comment. I am so glad you are back and I will look forward to checking in to your lovely blog again. Hope your trip was wonderful. Thank you so very much for your kind words, I am touched and humbled. I will indeed enjoy the gorgeous Autumn colors, I think Autumn may be my favorite season, although Spring comes a very close second. Take care my sweeties and thank you again, much love and hugs Jen. xxx

    Dear Leeanne, thanks for still hanging in there and supporting me, you are a darling. It was great to be able to go to Hospice and be taken care of, it's such a wonderful place and they do a fantastic job. I may well go back there yet for a bit longer. Take care my friend Love and Hugs Jen xx

    Bete, so nice to hear from you. Thanks darling for always popping in and caring for me, I so appreciate it and need it. Keep doing the Reiki from a distance, love and hugs to you too, Jen xxx

    My dear Jena, what a beautiful, supportive comment. Thank you so much, I will be over shortly to read your post on Tenderness. If it is like any of your other posts it will be an absolute delight to read, you have a real talent with words and writing. Take care and thank you for supporting me all along this journey. Love, hugs Jen xx

    Dear Laura, here's a big hug right back to you. Thank you darling for continuing to support me. I feel so very lucky when I read all the comments on my blog. I don't know what I did to deserve all of you but thank you, thank you and thank you again. Take care dear Laura, love and hugs Jen xx

    My dear Bella, my dear Warrior Friend, you are a marvel, an inspiration. Thank you for your love and support, it is so needed and so appreciated. Love you always Jen xxx

    Thank you She She, so glad to hear from you too. Keep visiting, I appreciate it and I will be stopping over to visit you very soon. Take care and thank you, love, hugs Jen xxx

    Thank you my anonymous friend from Toronto, how about a name next time? Thanks darling for supporting me whether you give a name or not that's not what is important is it. Please accept my thanks and gratitude and continue to visit me here. Take good care, love and hugs Jen xxx

    Dear Sara, I have just been over at your blog, such gorgeous photos of your adorable children. Thank you for your support and kindness, it is so appreciated. Take care, love, hugs Jen xxx

    Thanks Rebecca, yes it was a bit rough that's for sure, however, I did get some wonderful rest, I may need a bit more yet though and that's fine, I can go back and probably will have to for a while. Still I will heal again before I get ill again if that makes any sense. Take care and thank you for your continued support. Love and Hugs Jen xxx

  21. I've been reading your blog since I was sent over here by Jen Lemen and I am filled with awe for your strength and your spirit.

    Thank God for modern medicine and the respite it is bringing (and we all hope continues to bring) you.

    near Toronto