Thursday, 10 April 2008

Checking In Again...

My dear, dear friends and angels on earth, I am home again at the moment. I left Hospice this afternoon at 4.30pm after Jack's Dad picked me up and took me home. I had asked him to put a leg of lamb in the oven before picking Jack up from school and then when I got home with them I would complete the meal, which I did. It was lovely, I made a beautiful creamy cheese sauce, a lovely rich gravy, some vegetables and set up a special space with candles for us to eat together at. It was a great evening. I got to hear Jack read his school reader to me, I got to eat with the boys, (Jamie was here too) we got to talk and laugh and cuddle. I am still here, I have just got through reading about 198 emails, I long to answer each and every one of them but I just haven't got the time tonight. I will try and get through them tomorrow when I arrive home. Thank you so very very much to those of you who took the time to write me and comment on my blog, I keep saying how much I appreciate it and I truly do, I had a smile on my face for hours.

It looks as though I may be home tomorrow or Saturday (please God). My Doctors are working on it. They have put me back on strong antibiotics which seems to be helping. When I went into Hospice the first time a week or so a go I was put onto antibiotics as well as Ketamine and it worked well. This time I was just put on Ketamine and it wasn't stopping the pain. In fact it made me go all woozy and weird but missed the pain completely. It was horrific, I cannot even describe how awful the pain got, I was an absolute wreck. I thought I had experienced everything that pain could through at me but I was so wrong, this was worse and I honestly though I was going to die, even wished to at some stages. (Not really but just wanting the pain to stop, it was scary.)

Anyway, back on antibiotics and now the pain medications are working again. I have been home tonight for hours and been fine
only topping up my pain medication with tablets, which is a great sign for heading home tomorrow. David has done a great job but cannot stay off work any longer and I am NOT sending my child up to live with him and go to a new school. Not at this stage in the game I am not. Even tonight, he cried and begged me not to go back to Hospice. I have held him until he is now sound asleep and I will sneak out soon and he won't be any the wiser, I hope, until the morning and then after school tomorrow I will be home (God willing, if not he can come and stay the night with me in there again.) It is okay for him to stay a night with me here and there.

Now for some good news. Last Sunday while I was still at home, before I headed back to Hospice on the Monday, I received a phone call from Meg Casey. It was so great to finally hear her voice.
She has the sweetest, prettiest voice I have ever heard, just gorgeous. You know it felt like I was talking to an old friend that I hadn't spoken to in the longest time. Not someone I hadn't ever spoken to before. Someone I knew so very well all these years and just hadn't caught up on the phone with for ages. Isn't that amazing? I loved talking with her. She is so intelligent and warm and beautiful. I just love her and can't wait to now meet her. We talked a whole lot about me getting over there and I hope she realized that I still want her to visit me over here (okay Meg, don't think that just because I am so excited to get to the US, that I don't want you to get over here because I so do if it is at all possible.) We spoke for about two hours and yet it still wasn't long enough. I can't wait to get well and get home and speak to her some more. I am going to get hooked up with skype and we can talk till the cows come home (hows that for an oldie?). Anyway Meg, I wanted to email you tonight but I am fast running out of time so I will just shout out at you now, I love you and miss you and will talk to you real soon. Take care my love. Also Jena and Jen Lemen and Bella ( Bella where are you, I hope you are okay) and everyone else that has put themselves out on a limb for me. You are so loved and appreciated. As soon as I get home I will be in touch properly and catch up on everything. I hate having to go back actually but I must go now as it is getting late and they will be worrying about me and my pain (which is fine - touch wood). Okay my friends, I feel like there is so much more I need and want to say but I will leave it for another day, know that your prayers and love are needed and so very appreciated. There is something magic going on here, I feel, everyone who comes here feels it, for some reason we are all connected and it just feels magic. Bless you, all my love, Jen B. xxx


  1. Such sweet news to find. Blessings on you and Jack and those gathered 'round helping you. Your spirit is so courageous!

  2. Meant to say also that, yes, there is magic here. Thank you for allowing us to share it and help it multiply.

  3. It IS magic, Jen. Pure magic.

    I'm so glad to hear you're doing better. All this goodness here...isn't it powerful?

    Take care.

  4. Yes to everything. So glad you are feeling better with the antibiotics. I am trying to figure out how to get there my dear one. more in email soon.
    love to you

  5. What a lovely meal, evening, time spent in warmth and love with your boys.
    I'm glad to hear that the pain meds are working now, with the antibiotics.
    Sending you much love.

  6. It's good to know that these sweet things have been happening for you, and that the pain is less now. Keep well, and thank you for allowing us to share in the magic. Bless you.

  7. Jen - I always bask in the light of your posts here. Kiss yourself for me.

    xo Jena

  8. Jen, my Darling, I have added a "Jen Ballantyne ... updates and comments" column (with brief highlights and quotes from your post) at the top of my blog's side-bar.

    I am ... we all are ... loving, praying for, and celebrating the marvelous wonder of YOU all of the time ... without stop!

    I Love You, lovelyJen Ballantyne, you!

  9. i am so happy and blessed by you and this post....i have continued to pray and pray for you my sweet jen.

    sending you tons of love

  10. Jen, thinking of you so much. Very sorry to hear that the hospice stuff didn't work out for having Jack with you -- what a complete bum deal. And totally, of course, you want to be with him as much as possible. Thrilled to hear you a little better with the pain managed and all -- and that it means you will come back home.

    Much Reiki to you...and lots of miracles,

  11. Oh Jen, what a wonderful post to come home to! Praying for you and sending lots of warm wishes your way. You are so amazing and may there be lots and lots of days just like this one to follow.


  12. Jen, so sorry to hear about the pain you've had to suffer through, and I'm happy to hear it's better. The magic in all this is the love you have inside and the love you express in spite of your unimaginable circumstances. You are a rare bird :)

    Much love,


  13. Yes sweet, I feel the magic too and I so very much DO believe in it;o) Sending love, hugs and healing to you. Have a relaxing night.

  14. Dear Jen,
    There is something about the simplicity of a meal shared with the ones you love that opens up the evening to magic...So glad to hear that you are able to find some "normalcy" amongst all the turmoil. Bless the doctors and hospice workers who are flexible and try to find a solution to your individual pain. Know that we are praying for you and thinking about you and your little family many time during the day. I am so happy that you were able to speak with Meg Casey, a fellow blogger who has sent you much love via the Internet. This blogging world really is a beautiful thing.

    Ruthie from California
    aka pickwick

  15. I am so glad you are feeling better and that you had some special time with your family. So much love, all around you and love is so healing. You are so strong, your spirit is so brave. Never, ever forget that you are loved and are NOT ALONE. We are here for you.
    Keeping you in my prayers and close to my heart.

  16. Hi Jen,

    I am so glad to hear that you had a fantastic night with your boys.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Deb xxxxxx

  17. Dearest Jen, I am beyond thrilled at this post. It is wonderful to hear some good news. Just picturing all of you together and enjoying a meal and time together is a real answer to prayer. I am so glad you and Jacks dad can give him nights like this.I know you are now getting many many e-mails. I never expect an answer and just want to send you my love and prayers.My love to you, debi

  18. we love you very much jen. keep taking care of yourself. sending you love and prayers...

  19. What a lovely surprise of a gift to see your post - and an even better note that you were able to be home and share a lovely meal and night with the boys. SO glad the pain is better managed.
    All my best for more good days ad infinitum ;-)
    Cate in California

  20. Your blog title says it all... I feel comfy coming to your place of courage, tender love, openness, and honesty... ingredients for feeling comfy. And I thank you and praise you for giving the gift of yourself to us, your real and virtual loving community worldwide. I am in Israel, others I see are in the USA, still others closer to where you are, and who knows, where else? We are one. Much love to you, dearest Jen.

  21. I'm smiling for you!!! And keeping you in my thoughts.
    Warmest Wishes,
    Linda @ Barefoot in the Park

  22. Hope you are doing better and not feeling any pain. Hugs ~

  23. So awesome to hear of your visit home. Doing a simple, normal, everyday task like cooking a meal can do wonders for your soul from the sounds of it. I am super happy for you that you had that strength Jen.
    Sending you a big bear hug and continued prayers and love,
    You are Loved Jen,
    Gods Blessings,

  24. It is v. hard for me to visit your website. It is difficult. But I do because I want to see how you are doing, a woman, a mother that I've never met yet pray for in my prayers. Yet everytime i come here, i can't help but get the sense of liveliness in you, your attitude, your demeanor, it lifts me up.
    And today was such a day. I don't know what time God has given me on this Earth, whether tomorrow is mine or not, but I thank you for staying so strong, so grateful, for telling us that we matter. You do not have to respond to this. I just wanted you to know that. You are in my prayers, so are your beautiful children.
    Your blog is beautiful. And I so loved the pictures of the birthday cupcakes by the window how yum. how warm, beautiful and inviting the setting.
    Take care.

  25. Such a cuddly evening you prepared for you and the family--a comfy place for sure. It is a joy to read of your beautiful evening.

    I'm new to your blog and don't know who Meg is, but that phone call does sound like magic, as does this place you've created here.

  26. What a lovely evening. You're a loved woman, each time I come in to read it's so apparent.

    Bless you and thank you for sharing with us.

  27. I agree about the magic too!
    So glad that things are a little better for you.
    You have been in my thoughts and prayers while I have been away this week and I was wondering how things were going for you.
    Take care,
    My warmest wishes are with you.
    Tabitha X

  28. Jen, a friend sent me to your blog. I am amazed by your strength. You are in my prayers.

  29. I haven't been by in awhile since I had company visiting. I'm so sorry to learn you've had such a hard time. I hope by now things are much much better. I'll pray for that. Hang in there sweet friend.


  30. I hope you are home today with your little boy, in your own bed. If not today, soon, and feeling so much better.

  31. I've been following your courageous story through Greenishlady's blog and I am so glad that you are at home. The meal sounds wonderful! I am sending you, and your beautiful boys, love, light and understanding. You're in my prayers.

  32. You are such a sweet amazing inspiration! Many, many prayers for you and sending much love.