Friday, 25 April 2008

Auction is Up and a Heavy Heart...

Hello my friends, I haven't been well enough to post in quite a while but I just wanted to check in with you, I have just received an email from Bella to say that the EBay Auction to raise money for me is up at the following link
thank you so much Bella, Meg Jena Strong and Jen Lemen and also to everyone else who so kindly donated goods for this. Words fail me in trying to express your kindness and generosity, my heart is full and no matter what happens the fact that this was even attempted means so very much to me. I love you and I most humbly thank you. I believe there are some most lovely things to be purchased so hopefully, as well as helping me, you will also get yourselves something wonderful.

In other news I am sad to say I have been so very unwell that it has frightened me. I have not been in Hospice the entire time that I haven't posted but I have been at home almost in a coma. I cannot stop sleeping, I am awake approximately 4 hours out of 24 and even when I am awake I am as weak as a kitten. I am not sure why, whether I am just so very exhausted from the pain, the cancer, the worry and stress, I am on large amounts of anti bio tics which I am too scared to go off as I believe they have helped eliminate the terrible pain I have been in. Yes, I say was as in some very good news the horrific nerve pain seems to have cleared up suddenly. It happened on Wednesday, I was so terribly groggy and out of it but one thing was clear and that was that the awful pain was missing. I do still suffer from it for a couple hours per day but that is nothing compared to what it was. So after a visit to Hospice they removed the Ketamine pump and I haven't required it now since Wednesday morning. I still have to take some methadone for the bit of pain I do still have now and then but I guess that's got to be an improvement on my poor liver and kidneys. So a mixed message I guess, I am very relieved and happy about that however I have this pervasive sense of sadness inside my heart that I can't shake. My Jack is with his Father tonight and perhaps tomorrow night also, which is the best place for him I guess as I am simply incapable of taking any kind of care of him right now. I simply can't stay awake and even when I am awake for a couple hours I am just so very weak. I guess because I have been like this for almost a week now I am frightened that I am not getting any stronger, even afraid I may be dying, it is a very frightening feeling when you can't wake yourself up, even to call out for a drink. However, through the Grace of God, we got through the past few days, I even had Jack at home with me as he had a nasty cold, then a teachers strike, then Anzac Day Holiday and somehow he managed to let me sleep. He amused himself largely until Jamie came home of an evening and took over until I could put Jack to bed with me. Far from ideal but we made it. Of course Mum was popping in and out when she could and helping with meals.

I had chemo the other day (I can't remember when, the days blend in together at the moment) and I slept the entire 6 hours in the chair. Jacks Dad had taken the day off to be here with Jack so I slept again when I got home, then after David did dinner (dried up, shrivelled steak, lol) put Jack into bed with me and I slept all night again. The good thing is that I have had the chemo, I had to be taken in Mum's car in my pajamas and slippers as I was too unwell even to get dressed. I had managed to stumble into a warm bath in the wee hours of the morning somehow, I honestly don't know how I did it actually. I know that every time I sleep (all the time) I am drenched in sweat (gross I know, sorry too much information)so I recall waking that morning just feeling revoltingly grotty and somehow ran a bath and got in it, washed my hair and myself and got out and back to sleep. I am sure my chemo nurses were grateful! Anyway, so I made a bit of a stir coming to chemo in my PJ's and I also had to have a bed too but at least I got there and I have had the 'good' chemo, the expensive Avastin so maybe this tumor will be shrinking right now as I type this to you good folk. Pray for me please because this is my only chance at the moment. Nothing else can be done, I cannot have it removed as there is no room left for surgery. The only thing that may help me, (at least here in Australia anyway) is Avastin. It's not a long term fix, however, I need it to get me well enough to have more energy to fight this thing.

Some more possible good news has come from my beautiful friend and soul mate Meg who has been madly researching over in the States about Clinical Trials that I may be suitable for, they may be more advanced over there than we are here. Well I do know for a fact that Avastin over here in Oz is not available on our PBS which means we have to pay through the nose for it in spite of many tests having been done and yet every other country in Europe and in the States have it available for free, so that tells me something. They are at least a little further down the line and usually when there is a drug like that that is now available free it means they are further down the line on testing a newer one so that is something I am keeping in mind. Anyway my Meg is situated to at least 4 big Cancer Institutes over in America and has just this past 24 hours found out about at least 24 trials that would be offered to me for free even though I am Australian. Some of them desperate for patients. She just needs me to now supply her with as much information as possible on my type of cancer and my story and then we will research what can be done from over there. She has, in what is the kindest most generous thing I have ever heard, opened her home up to me and Jack for as long as we need. Not only open her home to us, but to drive me about and Jack too, offered help and care for Jack whilst I am out of action and also will also ask her friends and community to do what they can too. Proof as far as I can see, that Angels are here on earth. You will recall I haven't ever met Meg in person, we have become soul mates purely through our blogs and emails and now phone calls. I believe I have been given Meg to help me through all of this, otherwise it would truly be to much for me to bare, it truly has almost been to much for me to bare as it is but God promises he will not give us more than we can bare, doesn't he? My biggest prayer would be (after being able to live till Jack was grown) that I can give back to this wonderful person and yet I know that that would not even cross her mind. I do know without a single doubt in my mind and heart that I want to be able to live a life of service to others that are in serious need when I get well, I believe there is nothing else that matters in life other than love, kindness, and trying to never ever judge another person. There Is Nothing Else but LOVE, KINDNESS, CARE. I know this as surely as I know I need air to breathe. We must all strive to live this way. It can start in such small ways, just a smile, an offer of an ear to someone who needs to talk, so many little ways but also moving into bigger ways, really putting ourselves out there to help people in need. Go to a hospital and offer to read to ill people, or just talk, or even just hold a hand, open your home up to folk in need. We in these Western countries sometimes forget how 'rich' we are, we often have more than enough to share and we should, we must. These things are priceless when you are not well. People that are unwell are so very vulnerable, this world could be such a better place if we all really tried to make it a priority to help others, not just our children and families but all human beings as much as possible. You would be blessed tenfold. I think sometimes all it takes is a bit of an adjustment in our thinking, even a note stuck on your computer or coffee machine in the morning asking "How can I help someone today, how can I improve someones lot in life today?" Ask the question and then do it, breathe, think, keep your eyes and ears and heart open and you will have your answer.

Anyway my friends I will finish up for now as my energy has definitely been used up. I, once again, feel a little better for having had you to 'talk' to. I will rest a little easier tonight even though I am missing my little boy so much, I know I am not up to caring for him right now but boy I wish I could have him near me always. Anyway I must use this time to rest as much as possible so as to get well for him. Take care, I wish you all love and peace, Jen. xxx


  1. Jen,

    You truly are an an amazing woman. Your faith and determination is an encouragement to so many people. I'm sure you have no idea. Be well. Prayers are offered up for you.

  2. Dear Jen,
    Let your body rest. You have been fighting so hard and you poor body has been so full of medication that it must be exhausted. Sleep is probably the best thing right now to regain some strength. If there is anything I can do for you let me know.
    love and prayers as always

  3. Jen, thank you for continuing to reach out to all of us out here who are Praying for you, Jack and Jamie. May you find peace in your saddened heart. The world is indeed full of angels; obvious to those of us here who have been inspired by your words and the kindness and love which has been bestowed upon you by this amazing blogging world. We LOVE YOU! Anne

  4. Hi Jen,
    we've missed you. Glad to hear the pain is almost gone. I am praying for you. And crying at the same time. It is a lovely post that embodies everything I have always believed, love, compassion, kindness. when we are weak, we need people to take the time to help us. I am not one to ask for help. so it is nice when people just do it.
    May God make you better.

  5. You are such an amazing, strong woman! I heard about your story through Shutter Sisters and I have donated some of my pictures for the auction.
    I am praying for you and your family!


  6. I'm so glad to hear the pain has decreased. Maybe that's why, now that your body can rest for a while, you're sleeping so much. Gather your strength. I really appreciate you taking so much time to let us know what's happening, and keeping us in touch. I know it must be hard that Jack can't be with you all the time, so hopefully you'll get to spend some good times with him soon. I hear your fears, and your hopes, and send you prayers.

  7. Where you find the strength to blog I'll never is amazing.
    You are an inspiration. I am here via Bella. ;)
    I hope you get well, that the cancer shrinks back to nothing within you and you find a wellspring of healing inside that will see you through to Jack's adulthood and then some. You will continually be in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. I think of you daily and send you my heartfelt wishes of good health and healing.

  9. Jen, thanks for writing this post, which is thought provoking (as usual) and encouraging us to change or improve the way we live (something I could not agree more with).
    I am so happy that the pain is almost gone, and hoping that your energy will be back soon.
    Hugs all the way from Toronto.

  10. God Bless You, Jen! I am praying very hard for you and your beautiful boy.

  11. Take it easy.

    Praying and sending you love,

  12. Thinking of you every day Jen and praying for you aswell.
    I agree that sleep sounds like your bodies way to regain strength and I so hope you are feeling well soon.
    Take care my friend,
    with warmest wishes,
    Tabitha XX

  13. Hang in there Jen! I'm going over to the shop now. Stay positive and I will be praying for you. HUGS

  14. Dear Linda, thank you so much for your kind words, I don't feel very 'amazing' but thanks, I truly hope that I do inspire someone as I feel truly useless lately! Your prayers are so needed and appreciated. Love to you my dear. xxx

    Dear Karen, lets hope you are spot on, I am just exhausted from medication and fighting. That is not as terrifying as the alternatives that my spooked mind keeps coming up with, see I am not so very brave at all. Thank you for your kind offer you are one sweet person, love to you xx

    Dear Anne, oh it's the least I can do and you know it helps me by reaching out to you all, thank you so much for continuing to pray for me, it truly helps. Thank you for loving me from afar and my love goes straight back to all of you xx

    Dear Karen, thank you my friend. x

    Dear she she, thank you too my friend xx

    Dear Muneera, I totally understand being not one to ask for help and it is so lovely when people just do it, thank heaven for them huh? And thank Heaven for you too xx

    Green Eyed Girl, thank you so very much for your donation that is amazing of you and thank you for your kind words. Love to you xx

    Greenish Lady, thank you darling for your wonderful kindness. Love to you xxx

    Dear Gillian, thank you too honey, isn't Bella wonderful? I so appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness. Love to you xx

    Dear Igirl, thank you so much, take care, love to you xx

    My dear friend from Toronto, thank you for your words and support. Love to you xx

    momof3, thank you too sweetheart, take care, love to you xx

    Canknitian, thank you once again for your love and support. Love to you xx

    Dear Tabitha, thank you, I hope you are right about my body just needing sleep to heal. Thank you darling, love to you xx

    Dear Tammy, thank you, I hope you find something lovely at the shop, thanks for your much needed support. Love to you xx

  15. Blessings to you Jen, I hope the antibiotics continue to work their magic and that the chemo does it's work too. You are thought of often.

  16. I'm so amazed by you Jen, that you bring what energy you have to light up our days with your reflections and heart.

    I'm sorry about the damned pain and the tiredness... so sleep sweet Jen, give your body what it needs so that you can recharge for Jack.

    Sending you a fresh, bracing, salty breeze from Nova Scotia. xo

  17. Hi Jen

    I've been thinking about you and sending up prayers. I'm so happy and thankful the pain is better. What a blessing. Rest as much as you can...your body needs rest to "fight the good fight".

    Hugs sweet friend!

  18. Jen,
    You are in my thoughts so much these days...hoping you are healing, resting, coping.
    You ARE amazing, as everyone here says, a true inspiration to me. You're exactly and kindness is all that matters. I will take your words and do what I can to make a difference to honor you and you're loving heart.
    Take care and rest, rest, rest. Your Jack will be back soon.

  19. feel so inadequate to even know what to say....but just want to say you are daily in my thoughts and prayers,

  20. You are my guru, my inspiration and I hope to be as amazing as you someday! I think of you and Jack each day.

    My prayers and energy to you in hoping you will feel less pain, be enrgized by rest and know how many people you touch with your words of love.

  21. Dear Jen,
    As always, healing thoughts and prayers sent from Iowa. I hope you are able to manage your pain. Your voice sounds strong.xo

  22. Jen,
    I feel as if I must acknowledge the fact that I am here...after reading about you and your cancer for impressed with your courage and faith. I have been keeping up with you and praying for you and your wonderful boys. You are such an inspiration. You have amazed me with your faith,strength and determination. I came across your blog through my friend Stephanie's blog(coolpeopleiknow). I find myself checking your site several times a day for an update. I cannot express the emotion I feel for you, not even knowing you. You truly are an amazing human being and I am truly jealous of those who can actually see and speak to you. I am amazed at how many people that are out there in the blogosphere who are there for you. I have never seen so many prayers and heartfelt emotions expressed for one person...may God bless you and your precious boys. Please know that you are constantly thought of and prayed for. Thank you for being you and sharing your life with all of us. I pray that you will soon beat this horrible pain and disease that has taken over your existence for the time being. Love to you and your beautiful and precious boys.
    Lisa G

  23. take care jen. i have the auction information up on my site. sending you lots and lots of love...praying that you wake up more and more with less pain.

  24. hi jen,

    you don't know me, but you give me hope and strength.

    take care and God bless you.


  25. Jen, The Avastin trials do look promising. If you need other help or referrals here in the states, it turns out that I live very close to Meg, and I would be happy to help in any way that I can. I have wonderful, beyond fabulous, doctors who I would recommend in a heartbeat. I don't know anything about funding for international visitors, but would happily pass along all the local resources I know.

    Hang in there, babe. You're doing great.

  26. I continue to hear echoes of your "I have this pervasive sense of sadness inside my heart that I can't shake," and all that is in me reaches out to throw protective arms of comfort and sheltering care around you. You are the focus of all of my Heart's most fervent prayers and concern. My love for you grows with my respectful appreciation of the wonder of who You are. You bless and delight!

  27. Jen
    You are doing amazing. Know that there are many angels saying their prayers for you and sending you angel kisses.
    God Bless
    Nicky from Canada

  28. Oh, your words go right to my heart. Sending you so many prayers and thoughts and thinking of you and Jack so much. Off to the auction, and hoping you are feeling peaceful tonight. Much love, Megan from California

  29. Jen,
    Words escape me at the moment...your post touched a chord deep in my heart. I will pray for you and Jack. Courage and peace to you Jen. Strength to fight and determination, too. Know that someone in Virginia cares and will be praying for you daily.

  30. You are such a fighter !
    With much love, I send another round of prayers your way !

  31. Dear Jen, The body heals when we are sleeping and when we sweat the body releases toxins. I am trusting it is all good. Many prayers and good wishes for beautiful, amazing you always. Cathy

  32. Jen, I believe you are already living a life of service. By sharing your words, thoughts and insights ~ you are doing us all a service that read. You are reminding us how important it is to be kind and love one another. Truly an important service.

    I think of you and Jack daily. You are an amazing woman and mother.