Gosh life has really turned tough the last few days I have to admit. I sort of went from someone who was feeling a little bit on top of things (Ha, I should have known) to - ah, the whole world turned on it's axis! I don't even know which it is, no, that's not quite correct, I do know it's the chemo, but what I am not certain of is how much the pain medications are playing a part in making me feel like I've been tipped upside down and shaken. I woke up the other morning with the glands in my neck hugely swollen, ulcers throughout my mouth that were so tender I couldn't speak clearly through them. My body felt so battled and bruised and careworn, honestly, I was a mess. I had been coming to a place with the pain medications where I thought everything was going to work out ok. I seemed to be tolerating the high doses, the pain was being held at bay most of the time, I was on the up and up, or so I thought. Anyway, I woke up like I just explained and was rather taken aback to say the least, still I thought to myself "well, a bit of chemo side effect stuff going on, you can handle that, hell , you expected that!" So I tried to get on with my day. Trouble was I felt really light headed and actually dizzy. I felt as though the floor was undulating beneath me, not all the time but a lot of it. Anyway the further the day went on the more tired I got until the stage where I started falling asleep whilst on the computer, or whilst sitting talking to Jack, or really anytime. I thought it was falling asleep and I have had it happen before a couple of times, I think I wrote about the time I lunged forward into my computer and woke up to find myself there hours later. Well, I actually think it is more like blacking out because I was doing it standing up, just anywhere really and I can't remember things. I know I was here alone with Jack and I know I was really trying to stay focused and stay awake but I can't remember things. I can remember bits of things like him yelling at me to wake up, or him saying things like "You're doing it again", or nudging me, pushing and shoving at me. Anyway to cut a long story short, I woke up in the early hours of the morning feeling a little more like myself, I wandered up into the hallway, into the lounge and their was Jack, sprawled out across the couch, with a sheet tangled around him, the full, bright lights shining down on him, the DVD player still on. Oh I felt sick, I couldn't remember enough about last night to be sure about what had happened. It was like I had been drinking heavily or something and had no idea of what I was doing. Such a horrid and scary feeling. Anyway, I turned the lights off, covered him properly, turned off the DVD player, kissed him and walked out into the messy kitchen. It looked like I'd thrown together some sort of concoction for a meal and just left every dish in the place out on show. Oh this was so bad, I was really in a bad way. As I was looking around at everything I was remembering more and more bits of me blacking out, trying to stay focused and losing the battle. I was now too afraid to take my morning pain medications in case that was what was doing it, or was it the chemo, or was it the combination of all of them? Curiously I was not in agony, I could feel the familiar dull ache as if it was far away and trying to come home, so I was nervous and wary that it could show up soon if I didn't do something. So I phoned my Mother, told her the story and took some of my pain medications, took all of my chemo and my other medications as well and felt just a bit better that someone else knew how I was feeling!
Finally, Jack woke up, way to late for school, which I kind of thought he would and as I had no idea what time he went to sleep, I wasn't about to take him to school and make him work hard in this heat all day. I greeted him and then surreptitiously started questioning him. Yes, I had kept 'falling asleep when Jack was trying to talk to me', 'yes, it was annoying', 'no he wasn't scared but cross'. It seems no permanent damage was done, he was a little annoyed but he said to me "I know it's because you're on the chemo again mum." Anyway by now I was starting to put a plan into action, I also phoned Jamie who I had given the weekend off as I really felt alright, I phoned him and asked him to come back home which he promptly did. I already said I phoned Mum, I just let her know where I was at and what had happened. You see my sister had popped in yesterday afternoon and I had been feeling quite woozy then and a bit dizzy which I made known to her mainly because I couldn't hide it. Anyway she stayed about an hour and then had to go so apparently she was going home when Mum phoned her and happened to be in the area shopping so could she pop in and visit with Caz, yes, yes that's fine so they got together and Caz did tell Mum that I hadn't seemed to good and that I was dizzy and a bit strange etc. Anyway, I just phoned this morning in case Mum had been concerned about me and to let her know that I wasn't in a good way. Jamie got home late this afternoon so I felt a little more secure, I still had to take my pain medication but I sat down a lot more and tried to rest when I needed too which seems to have helped. I think a lot of the trouble for me has been this heat wave we've been having here in my area. It is soooooo hot. My air con has been running non-stop and I still feel hot, the nights are just so sticky, Jack has trouble sleeping. We have just had to many hot days in a row so nothing gets a chance to cool down. Yuk, not good when you're on chemo. I definitely qualify for the worst mother in the world trophythough, as I said I couldn't get Jack to school today, I won't get him there tomorrow as he can't sleep tonight and it's already1am, he's in bed but just laying there awake. I can't wake him at 8am and make him go to school in this heat, I just can't, maybe I'm a wuss but that's me. Anyway it's end of second term this Thursday so they have two weeks off for Easter break and then back to start 3rd term (where is the year going). So today, was a bit better, I didn't blackout, but I did rest a bit more which is what I will have to do I guess. I don't mind doing that but a bit of warning would be nice.
Perhaps I took on a bit too much over the long weekend. I did send Jamie off to do his own thing, he had some nice things he could do this weekend and although he was so very willing to spend it with me, I didn't want him to have to. I really was feeling quite good when I said he could go do his own thing. Also, I didn't see my Mum all weekend or anyone else for that matter, oh actually Lee did pop in Friday night, bless her and she stayed with me for quite a long time and gave Jack heaps of attention. Caz (my sister) popped in on Sunday for an hour, she brought me some tomatoes out of her garden, so that was nice and that was it. The rest of the time it was just Jack and I and I was trying to make it a nice weekend for Jack too so I probably overdid it in the heat. Also the chemo would be building up in my system so that wouldn't have helped matters either. Anyway, I am sick of whining, just needed to vent as I was feeling a bit scared and a bit alone. All is well again though, Jamie is back in the nest and has already made a huge difference to me, thank goodness for that boy, I tell you he is just wonderful to me and I love him so much. Hopefully, I'll have something nice and positive to post about soon, I have to have my bloods done on Thursday for chemo on Tuesday so we'll make sure everything is alright there which it should be. I know my oncologist put my chemo up to a much stronger level as I was handling it quite well so perhaps that was what did it too. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, I know it's not an interesting or exciting post but just needed to talk and I know you're all there for me which just makes me feel so special, as I type these words it's as though I am talking to you. Take care, Love Jen xxxx