Monday, 18 February 2008

My Strength is Fading....

Hi my dear readers, yes I am feeling so very fragile lately, I guess that's normal, I am so tired of being in pain and being so exhausted. It is stopping me doing so much and I am feeling it. I keep falling asleep so easily, too easily, poor Jack has to keep waking me up and I'm not very responsive either. I really hope and pray that having treatment can buy me some quality of life as well as a bit more time. I am seeing my Oncologist on Wednesday afternoon so I will ask him all of my questions, including this very important one. I honestly can understand how people with cancer or any other debilitating disease that is terminal, get to a point in their journey where they just want to go, they have quite simply had enough and feel completely useless. I am not saying I am there yet, but gosh I can see it on the horizon when I feel like this, I just feel so damn helpless and I hate it, I really do. Every now and then a spark of the old me comes back and I grasp and grab at her wanting to make her stay, but she never can, this new me is so very different to the old me. This morning I had to get dressed to go out for my CT Scan and I decided to nick up the local shop to get some milk which I was a little short of, anyway I did and as I got out of my car I noticed a whole bunch of young (ish) workman sitting outside the shop obviously having smoko, they all smiled at me and I heard one of them say, 'that's nice' as I walked by, they were laughing and making comments you know how guys when they are all together often do. Anyway my point is, it made me firstly very nervous and kind of annoyed at their brashness, a part of me said to myself 'if only you knew' and just for a fleeting moment I imagined turning around and flashing them my scars and my bag, luckily for them I didn't! Later on it made me a bit sad as I realized I would never be loved by a man that way again, never be courted and have a guy chase me, all hot and bothered with desire, it is a thing of my past and therefore the memories of those days seem all the more precious. Yet at the time I used to roll my eyes, toss my head and be oh so cool and calm as if to say, 'oh please, you'll have to do better than that' or some such thing, you know what I mean - that kind of boy girl thing that goes on before any words are spoken when you want to seem as though it means nothing and you are not at all flustered or bothered by that kind of attention (when really I'd be trying not to break out in a sweat, if the guy was cute that is). So today I was reminded of those days and then of course how those days are not going to happen again. It was a weird feeling, just something else that I am losing, it reminded me that I am only 39 and I don't feel ready to give life up yet and flirting is part of life, especially as I am not with a partner. Anyway I just felt kind of sad even though it's not the worst thing about this disease by any means, it's just another thing that occurred to me that's all. It' probably just because I am feeling fragile, I keep thinking about all the things I can't do, it's difficult not to because it's right there in my face, however, it is the pain stopping me so if the doctors can just get that under control I will be able to do a lot more for myself but at the moment I can't even do my shopping, I struggle with the most basic things and it is taking me away from Jack already and I HATE it so much. I have almost cried today but stopped myself and the same yesterday, I stopped myself then too but both times Jack was home with me and I don't want him to be worried or frightened that Mummy is upset. Anyway I read today that crying builds up your immune system so when I get some time alone, I will try and get it out and have a cry because I know I need to. Well at least I have had my CT today, so that is another one out of the way with, for some reason I hate having so very much, they're never that bad once I get there, it's just the build up for some reason. Now I just have to wait till Wednesday 4pm to find out any information.

Anyway my dear supporters thank you for being out there and reading my posts, it does make me feel better some how, I'm sorry this one has been quite depressing but I just have to be real and this is where I'm at right now, hopefully I'll have something a little more cheerful to write soon. Actually there is something that is quite wonderful and exciting that looks like it will be happening soon so I will share that with you next time perhaps. Okay that's it for now, take good care and please know how much I appreciate you all even if I haven't got back to everyone yet, I'm working on it. xx

14 comments:

  1. Oh Jen, I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy and not like your usual self. You do know that it's fine to not be all cheery, right?
    That was really insightful about the flirting... something we take for granted until it's on it's way out. I do say, you still have "it" as they were making comments... and boy, to see there faces IF you'd flashed them. That's YouTube stuff!!
    I hope you're just getting over a cold or something minor and that this lack of strength is just a phase.
    Wishing you much love and healing thoughts!
    ps - omg, that is such a great pic of Jack (#95) on your photo site... love the monster that he drew!

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  2. You are a very wise woman. I don't know you, but I think that all who do are very lucky people to have you in their lives.

    Positive vibes being sent your way...

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  3. I so hope the doctors can do something for your current pain.

    And you are right about the crying....it is good for you. So take time every day just for you....and if it means tears, let them flow !

    hugs and healing thoughts to you my dear !

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  4. Jen: I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. You continue to amaze me with your strength. But it's ok to be down and feel emotionally crappy. Let it out. And the picture of Lee and Jack is awesome. I relly liked it. Here's some vibes for feeling a bit of peace and comfort today...

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  5. Please know that you have people praying for you here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

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  6. The puffiness may have made you look a little heavier, but it sure hasn't made you ugly!

    Make sure you carve out that time to cry... it's as important as today's appointment.

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  7. I hope you get some answers. I work in CT and you would be amazed at how many people come to us, terrified, overwhelmed, not wanting to be there.

    I hope the doctors are able to get the pain under control without you being tired all the time. I can't remember if you had said it had spread to your bones, or if the doctor was looking for that.

    I wish I was closer, I'd be happy to take Jack out or cook you a meal. Take care sweetie.

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  8. Sending you calming hugs and wishing I could do more.
    Daphne

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  9. Oh but of course you feel this way. Don't spend another second worrying how your readers might feel, we're here to support, cajole, and ease your burden in whatever way we can. Lean, wallow, rage, whatever you want. We'll listen and nod, and while I cannot promise we won't weep, I can promise we won't leave.

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  10. Sending love and holding you in my heart. I am here--not going anywhere. xo love
    m

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  11. I'm sending you hugs and love. I hope you feel all the love out here in "The Land of Blog" and I hope it gives you strength. There's lots of us praying for you!

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  12. Pain changes us. And it is hard, scary.
    As you continue to open to these losses, each one worth grieving, know I am here, honoring you, sending you love.
    It is ok to be down. Not fun. But it does not mean you are weak. It is just human.
    I hope you have space to cry soon.
    I am crying for you, with you.

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  13. i have no words of wisdom, but i am here...arms outstretched and ready to listen...always ready to listen:)

    xoxo
    shelbi

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  14. Hi Jen. Sending you lots of love, hugs and support from Des Moines, Iowa/USA. You're posts are so beautifuly written.

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