Lee & Jack
Hi dear readers and supporters, well it is the big day, today I am off to have my scan and see where the cancer has spread too, I am feeling very nervous about it and very sick in my stomach. I have been feeling worse the past few days which makes me inclined to believe that the cancer is spreading or that it is sucking up all my reserves. I am just so exhausted all the time, no matter how much I seem to sleep I still wake up tired and could easily sleep longer. I am so terribly sad for Jack because already I am struggling to be a good Mum to him. We have just finished the weekend here where I just could not do anything, he was stuck at home with me just watching his movies, playing his playstation games and amusing himself mostly while I struggled to stay awake, not always succeeding either I might add. The pain specialist came to see me on Friday night, I know, it's amazing he actually came to me which was so wonderful of him as I find it difficult to sit in a car for long due to the pain I'm in. Anyway he prescribed something to me I can't think of the name right now but it hasn't worked, I believe it is in the bone or pushing on the bone which is what my first surgeon was afraid of but it is that kind of pain where it is so deep and aching, just revolting. I have also been dizzy, not all the time but probably once per day and I sway to the left before righting myself. Lee was here on Saturday night and she saw me do it twice, I only noticed it once but she was worried sick when she saw it, the poor thing. Oh and she was such a darling, I have to tell you how beautiful this girl is, she came to visit me, she usually comes on a Friday night and we have a catch up chat but this week she couldn't due to a meeting or some such thing so she came Saturday night instead. Anyway we sat outside to chat as it was a lovely evening, then Jack came outside with us and well lets just say that Lee and I could barely get a word in, he had been so deprived all day (and the day before that as he had been home from school with a nasty cough) that he just couldn't stop talking to Lee, (he adores Lee) so rather than get annoyed at him like some certain people would she suddenly says to me on the sly 'would he like to go for a swim in Debbie's pool?' Debbie is Lee's sister in law who lives only just around the corner from me and has a beautiful inground pool. Of course I said that I thought he would love to. So she asked Jack and he was thrilled. Anyway we got his swimming gear organized and as they were leaving which must have been about 6pm I guess, I got strict instructions from Lee to go and have a sleep. So I did a few things when they left and then I was so exhausted I thought I would just go and have a lie down. I fell asleep and didn't wake up till 9pm when they walked through the door. It was dark and Jack had a big bag of McDonalds and he was full of excitement and had had a wonderful time which I heard all about with such joy in his voice. Honestly there was nothing Lee could have done for me that would have made me more happy, because more than the ironing, the cooking, the state of the house, I worry sick over Jack and she knew that, she also knew I was exhausted just by looking at me and she just knew what to do. That is a friend. Honestly there is nobody like her, she just has this sweet heart and nature, she is always there in a crisis and she is just so caring and genuine no wonder I love her so..and always have. So Jack had a wonderful night and I didn't feel nearly so desperate about him, not to mention the very valuable sleep I was able to have and the fact that I didn't have to cook dinner that night either.
Anyway Lee and I did manage to talk for a while after they got back when Jack was so tired he just flopped on the couch with a movie and didn't speak a word until he went to bed soon after. Lee told me she is very concerned for me too and can tell I don't look well, I am all swollen and puffy, I just have trouble doing the most simple things due to exhaustion and I hate it, it makes me cry just writing about it, I hate it so much because I still need to do things with Jack, I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet and become bedridden, I don't really look that sick, I do look puffy but unless you knew me you'd just think I was overweight and ugly! When I was told I had 12 to 18 months left I thought that I would at least have 6 of those months coping reasonably well and being able to do things with Jack and create more memories but I am struggling with the most simple of tasks. Perhaps it is just stress, stress can do terrible things to people and make them exhausted, also the pain I've been in and continue to be in could make me exhausted also and stress also can make a person dizzy. So I truly pray that this is what it is and once I deal with what is happening to me I will feel better for a while at least.
Anyway this CT Scan today will tell a lot I hope, then on Thursday I see my Oncologist who will then give me a more accurate description of what is going on apart from the tumor I already have. Perhaps having some chemo will help me to feel better, although I very much doubt it, any experience I've had with chemo is that it makes you feel worse. The naturopath is what I am pinning a lot of my hopes on, I think that once I get started on a special diet and herbs etc, I will start to have some more energy.
Anyway dear ones, I just wanted to touch base and keep you all informed as to where I'm at, so off to my scan this morning, I don't quite know how I'm going to manage it yet as I feel revolting and Jack is home unwell again and oh I don't know, all I do know is that I MUST go to this appointment no matter what, so I will have to figure something out. Anyway I will post again just as soon as I have any results to share with you and again I thank you all so very, very much for all your wonderful comments, I feel so supported throughout this and there are no words to use to show you how much I appreciate you. Take good care all of you and please keep praying for me as it can't hurt and it may just help. More soon xx
PS: That is a photo of Lee with Jack. I have others but I don't think she'd be to happy if I shared them as she is a bit shy with things like that so this one will do, at least you have an idea of her in your mind then.
Monday, 18 February 2008
Lee & Jack