Monday, 4 February 2008

I'm So Very Confused...

Hi dear readers, yes I am very confused at the moment. I feel as though I am not sure of anything anymore, I feel as though everything I have ever believed is now very uncertain. I feel as though I want to write and write and write until I have put every single thought down on paper and then maybe I will get some clarity. However, I do not have the time to write down every thought I have so I will just record those things that seem important to me when I get a chance to sit down quietly at my computer and type. I get up every night at approximately 2am and then I use this time for thinking, researching, writing, reading, just knowing I probably won't be interrupted makes this time of the night perfect for my need for quiet and space for me to think. I keep fluctuating between believing the cancer is just a random disease which no-one has any control over whatsoever and the fact that little children get it really backs up that belief. However, there is another side of me that says, yes, you have created this illness in your body. Don't get me wrong I am not always blaming myself for this but I truly do wonder whether the fact that I have had quite a lot of 'challenges' throughout my life thus far, has any bearing on the fact that I seem to keep getting cancer. I think perhaps deep down inside I know that my life up to now has had a hand in me having this illness. I think that I haven't really wanted to admit to this, as in doing so I have to admit that it is up to me to cure myself, this is terrifying, because what if I can't, does this make me a failure? Does this say to everyone I wasn't strong enough or tuned in enough or I didn't try hard enough, or I didn't really want to keep living, or I am still not living my authentic life?

I guess if it is something I am creating in my body myself there is something good about that and by that I mean perhaps then I can cure myself by working on what is out of order (so to speak). Perhaps I should go and work with a good pyschiatrist and dredge up all the very painful memories that lie pretty well buried. Perhaps I could meditate a LOT more often, I have read that women with cancer should ideally meditate at least 3 times per day for half an hour at a time to really feel any benefit. Perhaps remedial massage should be employed at least once per week to help me relax and to benefit from human touch. Perhaps I should only fill my body with organic fruit, vegetables, grains and a small amount of protein such as fish, drink a LOT of water, no coffee, no preservatives, colors, additives, meat products, sweets, junk food, just put into my body only that which grows. Perhaps I need to invest in Yoga classes once per week at least, in acupuncture regularly, Reiki or some sort of positive imagery, healing, guidance work weekly, walking every day rain, hail or shine, or perhaps more aptly for me - vomiting, exhausted, miserable, sore or not. Now this is a very sad fact but the main reason I haven't embraced all of this before now is the fact that I have been unable to work since I got diagnosed with this back in 2003, I am on my own raising my son/sons, I have used up almost every penny of my savings just to survive this far. The facts are that it is expensive to take all these classes and treatments. I know, you cannot put a price on saving a life but when you just don't have it, what do you do? Anyway it has taken me to get this close to death to actually ask my family to help and support me financially so as I can do all these things that may help me fight this. At the very least I do believe (and it has been proven) that these therapies can certainly lessen the effects of chemotherapy and radiation treatments, so that alone is a good reason to do these things. I am not sure whether I have mentioned in previous posts that my Mum has been living a long way away for the past 12 months and has now moved back closer to home. She also got another well paying job which she starts tomorrow (Good luck Mum) so she is giving me money every week, so I will be able to afford to do extra things to help myself. She will also be working only 3 days per week most weeks so she is available to help me and get Jack to and from school if I can't manage when I am in the thick of treatment. Even when she is working she can take Jack to school as she has to go right past my home to get to work, also her hours are very flexible so if I need her she can make herself available to me 9 times out of 10 as she discussed with her employer my condition and asked whether she could work around that and he was agreeable. This was meant to be I think as without her working I would not be able to afford to do what I need to do to help myself. I am very grateful to her, it is a wonderful gift and it will certainly help ease the pressure and the financial burden.

I have been doing a lot of research since my results came back and there are many compelling stories out there about people managing to cure themselves, sometimes without chemo but more often by using alternative therapies alongside traditional treatments, so this has definitely sparked my interest. I have been given a book written by Ian Gawlers' (people call him the cancer guru) ex-wife, Grace Adamson. It is a wonderful resource. She has worked with thousands of women with cancer and in doing so has retained so much valuable information. She strongly believes in meditation, in healing our past grievances/issues, in practicing alternative therapies, in eating only organic vegetables, fruit, grains etc. She also had cancer and managed to get rid of it, so she also has the benefit of personal experience, not to mention she helped the guru Ian Gawler do all that he did to cure himself because he was far to ill to do it himself, so she has hands on experience too. Anyway, my point is about a poem she has in her book, I read this poem and blogged about it a long time ago because the poem struck a chord in me back then and I remember crying as I read it and saying to Mum, it is as though she knows me inside and out and has written this for me. Here it is again:


Women of Silence, gentle and strong,
Tell me your path, where it first went wrong.
Tell me your story, how you've coped with your life.
Tell me about all the trouble and the strife.

I see how you've coped, withholding the pain,
I feel your soul weeping and yet you refrain
From sharing your losses, your grief and your fears
But you know, they multiply over the years.

Until one day your inner wisdom says "no more".
And you awake with an illness, a fiery core
That's fuelled by a lifestyle out of control,
Too much held too often has taken its toll.

It's time to rethink, reassess how it's been
And develop a strategy previously unseen.
There is a way to heal with heart and great passion.
Let go of withholding that was always your fashion.

Nurture yourself and make yourself whole.
Live your life fully and realise your goals.
Women of Silence, gentle and strong,
Find the courage to heal, and to sing your heart's song. - Grace Adamson.


  1. Hello dearest-
    I do not think YOU created this cancer in your body but I DO think that all those things you mentioned will help. So many of the things like drinking water and meditating are cost effective and we can think of create ways to help pay for the rest of it. Stay strong sister girl. Love you

  2. You did not cause this. Be kind to yourself - let people help by telling them what you need. Meditation is good for the soul.
    You are a strong woman - even when you don't feel that way - I admire your courage.

  3. Hi Jen,
    I don't believe bad things only happen to bad people. They happen to good things all the time. I believe the difference is in how you handle it. Looks like you are moving in the right direction. Take care of your soul. It's the most important thing you can do.
    Thinking of you every day :)

  4. Sorry, I meant bad things happen to good PEOPLE all the time.

  5. Sorry, I meant bad things happen to good PEOPLE all the time.

  6. Dear Jen,

    Do not believe that you created this in you yourself. Meditation is very good for your soul. During meditation let the thoughts that you have created this slip out of your body and leave you. Your courage and strength is amazing. I honor your bravery!