Wednesday, 27 February 2008

First Chemo and Feeling through Jack's Eyes...

Hi everyone, I know it's been a while but I just haven't felt I've had my thoughts clarified enough to write a post. However, I am ashamed to admit that when I don't post for a while I get scared that my supporters will drop off and I need you all so much that I start to worry and think gosh I better write something or they'll get sick of coming over to me. That's not a good way to think and I hope you won't be offended and think that I believe you all to be that shallow, I don't, I do actually realize this is just a typical Jen low self esteem moment or four!

However, I need to post today anyway, I have some things to get down in writing. Firstly and least important is that I started my first chemo session On Monday (it's Wednesday morning here)it went better than I had anticipated, I knew most all the staff from last time and they were quick and efficient and also caring. So before I knew it I was lying on a big old chair that kicks back so you can pretty much lie down, the IV went in without much trouble and all the toxic chemicals went in too without any vomiting or cramps, which can happen. I took along a fantastic book I've been wanting to read, so I hooked into that and then before I knew it I was sound asleep and as I woke up the nurse was disconnecting me from my IV and I was free to go. YAY!!! Nevertheless I still raced out of there to get home to my boy, his Aunt had picked him up from school for me and they were waiting here at home for me. I was pretty good that night too, Mum came and started dinner for us then went and got some groceries for me, she came back and we all ate together which was lovely, then she washed up while I got Jack into the bath and then we did reader and homework, Mum left and Jack went to bed. So all in all everything ran like clockwork. The next day I was well enough to do some housework, so I vacuumed and got washing done and out on the line, by afternoon I was exhausted though so Mum went and picked up Jack from school so I could sleep in the afternoon without worrying about not waking up to get him in time, so that was a huge help too. So that part, easy peasy. The part that is so far from easy is the part I am going to attempt to write about now, it's not so easy for me as with all things emotional.

I have been seeing things through Jack's eyes so very much lately. I had started accepting that I would not be here for a lot of his childhood whether I die in the six to seven months (if chemo does not work) or 2-3 years, even if I make it to the 2-3 year mark that still makes him only 8 or 9 years old. Still terribly young to lose your Mum. Anyway the things that are breaking me are things that I am somehow feeling for him. Feelings that he is going to feel to a much larger degree, probably some huge degree more than I can even anticipate. For instance, I went to climb into my bed the other night and as I lifted back my bedding to hop in, a waft of my own perfume floated out at me, one of my favorites that I wear all the time, which is Lancombe's Miracle. I immediately imagined him climbing into bed some of the nights after I had passed and having to smell that perfume and I felt this incredible pain for him. It is the many myriad of small details, they're the things I can't get my head around for him. I can picture him growing up without me a little bit now, well no where near completely, not without heartbreak but a little better than I could before. I had started thinking as positively as someone who is leaving her child can, I would remind myself that there are people left behind whom I love dearly and who love Jack dearly, surprisingly not all of them family, but my dear friend Lee for instance. I confide in her, I always have and she knows me so very well, since we were 13 years old she has somehow known me, known how I feel, she also has 3 daughters of her own who are teenagers now but she knows what it is like to love your children more than words can truly express, so she truly feels my pain. She also has a wonderful connection with Jack and he adores her, so I would start remembering that Lee will be here for Jack when I'm gone and that made me feel better, then there is my sister Caz (although I have not heard from her since I got this news which is very strange) however, she is very good with Jack when she is with him so I am hoping she will make herself available to him further down the track as I am getting near to the end. He will need her and he loves her, she is also similar to me in a lot of ways, a lot of ways we are not similar at all, but some of the things that may bring comfort to Jack are that we tend to look enough alike that it may be an odd type of comfort, we have a similar sense of humor, she remembers a lot about me growing up as a child which she could share with him, she would be a comfort to him if she can get past her own pain. I am hoping that it is her pain which is keeping her away from us at the moment, I am choosing to believe it is because any other reason is just to horrid to contemplate. Anyway, you get the picture, I had started realizing that there would be others to not in any way be able to take my place, but who would nurture him and help him and comfort him as much as possible, I assume it will mostly be Lee but I could be wrong, who knows, sometimes things like this bring out people you would never have expected to be there for you, and others that you assume would be, are in fact unable to be.

Anyway, so I started getting my head around that stuff. The things I cannot get my head around are all the tiny, little, daily details. They are the things that are going to hurt him like I don't even know a word for how much. I just know this with my heart, I don't know how to stop it for him. Perhaps it is better if when I go he does move away with his Father and has a fresh start where there are not so very many reminders of me everywhere, that is how I am starting to think now for his sake. Of course I will get professional advice on this but for now just thoughts going through my mind. I lay there last night looking at him while he was asleep and I just couldn't bear it, I couldn't bear looking at that beautiful little boy and knowing what is coming for him, it is not fair, he's only a little child, and so very beautiful and sensitive and kind. He had sung me his goodnight love song as he usually does and kissed me ferociously and hugged me with a squeeze and with just so much emotion in his voice, says "I just LOVE you Mum", oh it nearly breaks my heart because I feel it, I feel how very much he loves me, more than anything else on this earth, he needs me, I am the only one that truly understands him and knows what his little moods are, almost before he gets in them. I know why he thinks the way he thinks, I know why he gets upset or what will make him upset before it even happens, I just know him with every fiber of my being and he feels the same, I can sense it. What is hardest is we have always had such a special bond since the moment he was born, I just knew he was special and he is, he is so smart as to be almost gifted, he is beautiful physically but more importantly he is beautiful on the inside, he can't stand to see anyone hurt or getting picked on, he suddenly becomes a ball of indignant fury to see the underdog getting bullied. He is funny, he has a humor way beyond his years almost a wry humor and even sometimes a little sarcastic which is so funny to see in a little boy his age, even thinking about it makes me giggle. He is safe in bed this morning as I write this. He isn't hurting at the moment, he is safe and innocent and doesn't know what pain is on it's way toward him like a freight train complete with all of its weight. I honestly don't know how I will stand it and I don't think I will to be honest, there is no way to is there? Is there anyway to leave your child knowing the pain you leave behind in his heart and mind and soul and not feel sick with it every day that you are still here? I don't believe there is, I will let you know if I ever find a way around it but I seriously doubt it. I was going to write a hundred other little examples like the perfume in the bed one but I guess I don't really need to do that, you will understand just by that what other things will remind him probably unbearably of me when I've gone.

Please continue to pray for me, I truly need all the support I can get. More than praying for me though, please pray for Jack, for God to take Jack into His Heart, he will need the support and comfort that only some Higher Power can give him to get through this, in fact more importantly than praying for me, just pray your hearts out for Jack if you would, please. I have been teaching Jack for many years about what happens when we die and that I believe without a doubt that we will be together again, thankfully Jack believes this with all his heart too, so that will help I think, I have also taught him many other spiritual things that I hope will help him through what is to come. Of course, I will continue to have those kind of talks with him very often, I want to build up a faith in him that it will comfort him all through his life. He is very receptive to it, of course I haven't told him that I am dying yet, but we have talked about death and losing special people and believing in seeing them again some day in a much better place, not some airy fairy place but a beautiful place filled with mountains and rivers and beaches and enough food for everyone and wonderful people and communities, just like now only all the good stuff and none of the bad. This is in fact backed up in the Bible so he will be able to look it up for himself, I will leave him information like this too so he will know how to find it.

Now I know I have been very selfish throughout this post talking all about myself and one of my readers has asked me to talk about the early symptoms of bowel cancer and what alerted me that something was wrong, so next post will be about that, I promise. I will answer in as much detail as I can so that it may help someone catch their symptoms in time, unlike I did, well I did actually, it was the Doctors that just would not believe a woman of my young age (back then) could possibly have bowel cancer. Anyway I will tackle that issue and other issues about cancer in general and continue on with educating as well on this site. So for now, thank you all once again for your continued support, it means so very much to me and I will speak again soon, take care, much love Jen B. xxx

Back To Things To Make Me Smile Today:

My Son and I are together.

I have all of you supporters out there supporting me!

It is an absolutely gorgeous morning here, the birds are singing, playing in the birdbath, and the sun is that gorgeous bright, yellowish morning sun at the beginning of a warm day.

I don't feel sick from chemo today either (yet).

My scrapbooking of memories for my boys albums, is coming along nicely, I am actually enjoying making them. I don't know if I said that I am doing one each, at least, about their childhood, our traditions, things about them that only I could know, so they will have it all their lives, in the back I will store letters and cards for them and of course the scrapbooking will be full of journaling, some hidden and some right on the page front. It is something I can do now that is positive knowing I am leaving them all the things I want them to know about and to remember.

53 comments:

  1. Jen, you are the most amazing person, and the farthest thing from selfish in any way, shape or form. I am close to tears everytime I read your blog, and I think it's an amazing gift to give Jack. Praying for you, and glad chemo went well. May it keep going well, and may it miraculously do an amazing job. I know that I am praying for way more than 2-3 years.

    Jeanine

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  2. Oh dear Jen I am so happy to see you are back. Yes, I was starting to worry about you.I don't think any of us will stop coming here or praying for you. That will never happen. I think of you everyday. I need to write you a letter, later when my little grandson goes home.I am happy to hear of your nice dinner with your mum. Until later, debi

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  3. Hi Jen, you were truly missed. I won't stop looking for you. You offer so much encouragement to all of us. You are setting a wonderful example for Jack, no wonder he is as kind, and compassionate as he is. Be strong, keep the faith.

    Anna

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  4. Hi there! I have your blog on my RSS feed service, so I'm not going anywhere. As often or seldom as you want to post, I'm reading and thinking of you often. And praying, too. I wish I could be there to be a friend in person.

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  5. Jen,
    I just know you will not lose your supporters ok? Everyone is pulling for you and while we may worry when we do not hear from you our thoughts and prayers are always there.
    Good to hear you went through chemo without any trouble. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!

    Michael

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  6. You write so beautifully, it is inspirational and everything you have written so far about your cancer and the way it affects your life both physically and emotionally is amazing. It could be a book. A book to help those going through what your are going through and a book that would also help the families and friends get a better understanding and a handle on all of cancer's affect on their loved one.
    Never fear no one will keep coming to see if you have updated or not. We will be with you through thick and thin. Blog or no blogging.

    Thinking of you always

    Leeanne x

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  7. I am sending goo thoughts your way!!

    Janet

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  8. A mixture of smiles and tears in reading this post. Or tears and smiles. My heart breaks for your little Jack too. But how well he knows and will always know that his Mum loves him. You are an amazing woman.

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  9. oh jen, i am here. i am lifting you and jack up fiercely. no worries my friend. no pressure to write when you are up to other things. we're here listening and praying.

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  10. Dear Jen,
    You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I check your site everyday and will always check it no matter what. I am so happy that your chemo session went okay and pray for it to do amazing things. You just never know what can happen, you can have some type of drug come up in a month, two months, two weeks...something that can make a bigger difference. Keep researching when you have the time and strength. I am so happy to hear you have your Mum and friends, that's so important. You have me here too~Prayers every day to you dear~Hugs, Rosemary

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  11. Praying for you both, of course... and for those around you... the whole wide circle who will be so much less without you.

    You know... you're pouring so much into your son that will help him to heal, that will lead him to wholeness. One of the most amazing gifts you've given him is that he understands (already) what it is to be known and loved. Massive gifts that will carry through his whole life.

    You are beautiful.

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  12. Dear Jen,

    I've been reading your blog for a few weeks and haven't commented before because I simply haven't known what to say and have been afraid of saying something clumsy and/ or offensive. But, through your posts, it's obvious that you enjoy and feel supported by receiving comments so here I am.
    Since I've been visiting I think of you frequently through the day, and wonder how you're feeling and hope that you're as happy and as pain-free as possible. My heart truly aches for you and for the emotional pain you must be feeling at having to leave Jack.
    I admire your courage and bravery which really shines through in your writing - and I reckon, with a mother like you, your son Jack (I have a Jack too!) must have some great strength of character and fortitude to help him get through the times ahead - whether it be in 6 months, 5 years, or 30 years!!

    Becky XXXXX

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  13. I'm just beginning to read your story (found you a day or two ago) but I want you to know that I am here to stay. I promise that I will continue to read, support and pray for you.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings so unselfishly.

    BIG HUG,
    j

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  14. Jen

    You don't need to ask...I'm praying for you sweet friend...for you and Jack. You continue to amaze me with your honesty and bravery. I think your scrapbooking is a wonderful idea.

    Hugs sweet friend!
    Kat

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  15. Dear Jeanine, thank you so much for your prayers that I live way beyond 2 or 3 years, amen to that! Thank you for your kind words and support, it means so much to me. Love and Hugs Jen xx

    Dear Debi, I am sorry you and others started to worry and thanks for the reassurance, I just didn't feel as though I had much clarity in my thoughts to write them down properly but I will always be back because it helps me so very much to write and also to be heard, so thank you for being here for me, Love to You also Jen B xx

    Dear Anna, thank you also for your beautiful words, especially in relation to my example for Jack, I never see it that way, I guess as a Mum you always think about the things you haven't done, or should be doing better and lets face it we could always be better couldn't we, however I do try and that's what counts I hope, lets just say he is turning out brilliantly inspite of me! Take care darling Jen B xx

    Dear Ellie, thank you, that is so reassuring, I know I sounded a bit needy and let's face it - I AM right...So thank you, thank you for staying with me, I need all of you so very much throughout this horrid ordeal. It is just so much help I can hardly believe it myself. Love Hugs Jen xxxx

    Dearest Michael, thank you for your confidence in believing I will not lose my supporters, you are a sweet man and bless you for coming over to me here and helping me to feel so much better. Thank you for saying so beautifully that it is that you may worry when you don't hear from me, that touched me so very much. Love and Hugs to you also xxx Jen

    Dear Leeanne, thank you darlin' for your words too, honestly I feel so blessed when you all leave comments that are so kind and supportive and thank you for saying you're there through thick and think, it means more than I can say, and we still need to do COFFEE gosh it can't be that difficult, maybe you and Wendy can come to chemo and we'll hang out there and coffee the afternoon away. Love, hugs Jen xxxxx

    Thank you Janet, appreciate it so much Love Jen

    Thank you greenishlady, beautiful words oh how I hope he remembers how loved he was and that it stays with him showing through a quiet self assurance all his days, it is also why I will leave so many words behind for him to read year after year so he has to know and remember how very deserving of such love he was and is. Love to you dear friend xxx

    Thank you, thank you Terri, we need you holding us up fiercely, you are so dear to me, thank you just doesn't cut it to any of you but I don't know how else to say how much I appreciate you, I just hope you know it somewhere deep inside. Love, hugs Jen xxx

    Dear Rosemary, your words are so touching too, I am overwhelmed today by all the sweet comments and here I was worrying that perhaps I had been away too long and folks would have moved on, well I am sorry for that I am ashamed I even thought it you are all obviously so much bigger than that, please just know that it was my own insecurities making me feel that way, not anything to do with any of you wonderful and beautiful people. I agree with you Rosemary, the longer I can hang in the more research is being done, apparantly there is a trial drug coming soon (about 3 months) so if I am still alive, I may have a chance at that, nothing sure though but possible. Oh please God something like that could happen, I am just so not ready to leave my sons and when I think there's even a tiny chance I feel like I can breathe again. Love to you dear Rosemary, xxx.

    Okay Wilsonian, you take the badge for making me cry today, such beautiful words and you are beautiful too! Thank you so very much, oh how I wish I could have you all in my life popping in and out and caring for Jack and I, you are though in reality even though it is through words, words are so powerful and always have been. Love to you my dear one xxx

    Dear Rebecca, I am so glad you decided to stop by, thank you and please continue to do so. Jack is a great name isn't it and thank you for your sweet comments about him. I do indeed feel supported by comments, how could I not, they are all so kind and beautiful, it really lifts me up to see so many caring people in the world, people who don't know each other, reaching out in kindness and love, it really is something to see, isn't it, gives you back some faith in humanity. Thank you for thinking of me throughout your day and wishing the best for me regarding my pain, I am actually getting a handle on it now, touch wood, so I do feel a lot better on that front (or back lol) Take care my new friend hugs to you Jen xxx

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  16. Jen, please don't worry about all of us. We're here to give YOU strength! You're little Jack sounds so sweet and so strong, too. You know, when you were telling us about the scent of your perfume, I wondered....perhaps the scent of your perfume would be a source of comfort to Jack. Similar to a blanket or teddy bear?

    Anyway, I'm so glad that chemo went well and that it was a pretty day. (Send some nice weather to the midwest USA! so cold and snowy!)

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  17. Jen, Jack - you are so blessed to be together. You will always be together.

    I am still here and will keep being here, whether you post nothing or write your heart out.

    xo Jena

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  18. Ditto on everything said. We're here for you; you just write whenever you want (or not) and live every moment as you think serves its best purpose. As we are all learning from you.

    Jack's spirit is so strong, it comes through, and he will always have you making him stronger, in 3 years and in 30. I'm praying for him, and all of you, and I also believe you/we will all be together again (and even before then).

    Sending so many good thoughts for chemo to WORK and miracles to abound... Peace and love from California, Megan

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  19. Jen,

    I have not wriiten to you in awhile - I guess not sure what to say but I have been reading and praying for you. At the meeting that I spoke of before that is for the kids of parents with cancer, we discussed things that people could do or have done for their kids before they pass. There was the usual writing letters for their special occassions, birthdays, graduations, wedding day, etc. Scrapbooks - like you are doing. One of the women whose husband passed away 10 years ago when their son was 3 said that she wished that they would have taken more videos. Videos of them together doing the things that they liked to do together.Even singing the bedtime song or stories in your voice of your childhood or special memories etc.You may already be taking videos, but I just wanted to pass that on to you. I will keep checking in and I pray that chemo will work.

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  20. Jen
    I came across you blog through Meg Casey's blog, and every day I check in on you, and of course like everyone else, was worried and was hoping you were ok over the weekend. I'm just amazed at how strong of a woman you are, and that writing your thoughts down is obviously a help for you.

    You are everything anyone could wish for as a Mum...just know that. You have so much love for your son and he will never forget you, but along with everyone else I am now praying for you, for your health, strength and faith.

    Rest and keep smiling and staying strong.
    love Deb

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  21. Jen-
    The greatest gift any mother can give their child is a foundation of deep deep love. Jack knows what it is like to be adored, cherished, treasured, held in the embrace of true true love. Whether he needs to separate from you in a few years or many (and Lord knows I am praying for longer) he will be strong strong man for all that you have given him. So many people are not loved so much in a lifetime! He is truly lucky and won the "mummy lottery" he did!
    Prayers of course for both of you--prayers of hope but also of thanksgiving for you, your beautiful story, your strong and loving voice and your son who sustains you.
    Thinking of you and sending my deep love my sweet soul sister
    xo
    m

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  22. Oh Jen. I am a mum too and my daughter is Jack's age, and I so totally understand everything you are saying - this post made me cry. But you know what, I can tell how much you love him, just reading this - and how blessed he is to have such a fabulous fabulous FABULOUS Mum. And I am sure he knows that too, and whatever happens, having that unconditional love from you, he will be okay. I feel that, I do.

    It's funny you mentioned the perfume thing. I will tell you something about a bottle of perfume I have on my dressing table that belonged to my Nanna, who passed away in 1994. It is empty, but the smell is still inside. And sometimes, just occasionally, I open that bottle and close my eyes, and the smell of that perfume is like having her standing next to me, it is so wonderful. To me, it is better than a photograph, it actually feels like she is there, if that makes sense. I may be wrong, but if you wanted to do something for Jack, maybe buy him a bottle of your favourite perfume. It may sound strange, I don't know, but having my Nanna's perfume closeby has been a great comfort to me. (It's a very obscure perfume btw, they don't make it anymore, so I am lucky to have it). I hope what I am trying to say here makes sense!

    And I am so glad to hear your chemo went so well. We are all praying for you, and for Jack. You are an amazing lady!!

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  23. I have been wondering how you were getting on and praying that your were coping with those "curve balls". I think the smell of your perfume will be comforting rather than upsetting for Jack - and the sort of thing thing that through the years he could be out anywhere and smell it - and think of you.
    I am pleased that you coped well with your chemo - a nice positive start - and a bonus that you could have dinner with your mum.
    We are all still here - as if we would let you go anywhere without us!!!!!!
    K x

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  24. We wouldn't go anywhere..we are all still here praying for you and Jack.
    You write with such inspiration and love and determination...it just amazes me, that ability of yours.
    And Jack will always know that his mum loved him more than anything else in her world...that's one thing you won't have to worry about.
    Your courage and bravery continue to be so strong....prayers and thoughts to you my dear !

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  25. Please do not feel guilty for not writing here; it is such a treat when you do that I am sure all your readers will keep on coming daily to see if there is something.

    I am so happy to hear your first chemo went well. The section about you leaving Jack brings tears to my eyes and breaks my heart; however I truly believe he is a very lucky young boy to have you as a mother.

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  26. Dear Meredith, thank you, you know a few people have suggested that the perfume may be a comfort to Jack, I didn't think of it that way, I guess down the track it would possibly be but at first I think it would just create longing in a little boy, a longing that cannot be fulfilled, that is what I feel so sad about. It's hard to explain I guess, I think I am fixing on the first few weeks in my mind. Thanks for your support sweetie, take care Love Jen xxx

    Canknitian, I am so glad you have joined in supporting me, thank you so very much, I can use as much as I can get right now, I am hurting so much so thanks I appreciate your time and your care. Love to you Jen xxx

    Thank you again too dear Kat, you are a strong support to me and I appreciate every word you write to me, my heart is softened by your words. Love Jen xxx

    Thank you Jena, I know we are so lucky indeed, so very, very lucky, I have known it every day since he was born. If it was not so it wouldn't be so hard to leave. Thanks Jena Love Jen xxx

    Oh thank you so much Megan, I hope your words prove to be true, I do believe we will meet again one day, I just hope it is sooner rather than later, which sounds terrible I guess but I don't mean it that way. Take care my friend and thanks again Love Jen xxx

    Dear MB I have decided to do videos, a dear friend of mine was explaining to me how much they mean to children, even those who haven't lost a parent but all the more so as sometimes they need to put a face to all the memories as they get older. I totally understand this and will do, I have access to two and of course someone to follow Jack and I (and sometimes Jamie/when he's here) around with the camera documenting every day things, which I agree will be so important to the boys one day. Take care my dear friend Love and Hugs to you Jen xxx

    Thank you Deb, I am glad you came over to visit from Meg's blog, she has become such a very dear friend to me, we are soul sisters in fact. I thank you for your kind words and appreciate you taking the time to visit me, take good care Hugs Jen B xxx

    Oh my Meg, what can I say except thank God for you, thank everything that is Holy for you, you have come to mean so much to me, your support knows no bounds and I thank you with all my heart for your invaluable friendship, I truly love and appreciate you in every way. Love and Hugs Jen yoursoulsisterontheothersideoftheworld. xxx

    Dear girlabouttown, thank you, that is such a sweet story about your Nana's perfume bottle, I understand exactly what you mean! I also want to thank you for voicing how you believe Jack will be okay because of the love he has had, I just don't know that he will have had it for long enough, he needs it more, he needs me around to love him at least until he meets his soul mate in life and marries and has kids, if that is what he chooses to do. That is the only time I believe I could leave him feeling like he would be okay. Anyway thanks darling girl Love and hugs Jen xxx

    Dear Karen, you are just a sweetie pie, thank you so much for your support, I am so glad you wouldn't let me go anywhere without you. Take care my friend Love Jen xxx

    Dear Beth, so nice to see you back, thank you for your lovely words and your continued support, Love and Hugs to you, take care Jen xxx

    Thank you (anonymous) I appreciate it, I always kind of though Jack was lucky too, until I got this illness and sometimes I wish I hadn't had him so as not to inflict this kind of pain on him. I honestly never thought I would ever wish for a moment that I didn't have Jack and I wouldn't for anything less that the fact if he hadn't been born, he wouldn't have to go through what is going to be so horrific for him I don't know that it is possible to understand. I almost can and it just about breaks me with the weight of it and I am not 6 and I have had struggles to build up strength, he has not. I am so worried for him. Still this is all the more reason I need the love and support I am receiving from you all out there, thank you so very much for staying with me, it truly does mean so much. Love to you my dear Jen xx.

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  27. Ah Jen. Of course we are all here thinking about you and about Jack. He has a special gift you know - the absolute and complete love of his mother. Some children go through life without the love you've given him. In that way he is so very lucky. Just take it one day at a time. I'm so very glad to see your happy list.
    Thinking of you! --Shalet

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  28. Oh my goodness, I am so glad to read what is going on in your heart and mind. Unbelieveably painful, yes -- but so true and beautiful. My heart goes out to you and your sweet son, all these miles away. Know that so many people are carrying you both in our hearts.

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  29. Jen---I found you through Missy's blog. I will be praying for you and for Jack. This is such a hard road for you to walk, but I guess you can see that you do not walk it alone. The Internet is an amazing thing...

    I agree with the posters who said that memories of your smell may be very comforting to Jack. I know that the smell of Old Spice always makes me think of my beloved grandfather and smile.

    And I also agree that your love for Jack has laid a foundation that will see him through what lies ahead. Thank God that both of you have so many loving people in your (real) life!

    May God bless you, keep you, and give you peace about the future.

    Pax,
    Doxy

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  30. Blessings to you from Israel. I came to your blog from "cool people I know." One of my closest friends died of colon cancer after a strong battle she and her team fought three years. She made sure she did all she could to work with her twin boys, then age 16, to throw themselves into arts programs, counseling, and a healthy social circle. She talked openly with all her family and friends and was positive to her last breath, pursing her lips in a kiss to her devoted husband. Her positive light shines everywhere. You would have been a real team, and it feels that you are carrying on her stance of boldness, openness, hope, and love. Thank you! love, tamar

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  31. I think it's rather fitting that even your perfume calls for a miracle. Dare to hope, dear, and know that friends, family and strangers alike are lifting you up in prayer.

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  32. Praying for you & your boys. Hoping every day brings laughter and smiles among the tears.

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  33. Chère Jen,

    I'll stop the french there. I'm swedish living in France since 20 years now. So please excuse my faults....

    I just wanted to say that I think a lot about you and I think that you are a marvellous person.

    Your son must be so proud of you !

    Sincères et chaleureuses pensées
    Johanna

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  34. beautiful, amazing, lovely Jen...

    do not ever doubt that for one moment...your sisters out here are going anywhere. i can tell you without a whince, that i am here for you. in spirit. in prayer. i am here. i am going nowhere my new and lovely friend. i can only imagine....sigh....the heartbreak you face when these thoughts come. you must remember to have 'trust'. trust that your sweet Jack will be ok. the answers will come in their time. trust in that as well. do not waste one minute on these fears...although it is natural, do not let them rob you of the joy and strength that rises up to meet you today, in the here and now. trust that Jack will come to understanding of all of this one day...he will find his way, and not a day will go by that his sweet beautiful mother will be far from his thoughts, his heart. whether you are here in body or here in spirit....a boys life is forever molded and shaped by his mothers love. it is your love that lives on in him....forever. it is your love, as his mother that shapes his heart and will be his guiding force thru all of life's journeys.

    trust that your work with him is 'enough' even if it is cut short by this hiccup in time....because life is fleeting...but there is an eternity out there, and without sounding 'preachy'...and with all respect to your private beliefs, i do know in my heart and soul that we will all be reunited with our loved ones...this life is temporary...but heaven is very real and that is where all sights and eyes should stay focused, on what is eternal.

    i send you love, healing and a big girlfriend giggle from across the pond...

    embracingly,
    shelbi

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  35. Dear Jen,
    Thanks for your comment back. You will be here in three months and you will be receiving more treatments to help. Stay positive and strong. You are here and in charge of you and your body. If I can do anything to help you, please let me know. I can check to see if there are any treatments available that you would be qualified for here in New York. Please let me know if you want me to research. Hugs and more hugs, Rosemary~

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  36. I don't think we can stop the world from hurting our children. It seems worse somehow though to know that it will be your own death that will cause him this pain. You can't change it, can't stop it and maybe that's what Jack needs to know. That life isn't about things being perfect before you can be happy, that you can choose to be happy and appreciate what it around you, despite your circumstances.

    Does that make any sense?

    Sending a hug from the beach and take care sweetie. All of us only have today.

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  37. Still here.

    Wishing I could do something, but hoping that being along is solace of some sort.

    Thinking of you and wishing strength for you and all who are on this journey with you. I think the process so far with jack sounds as organic and promising as could be conceived.

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  38. So pleased to read that your chemo session went so well. It will be lovely if it keeps up so that you can devote your time to your more important thoughts.
    I am praying for you and will pray for Jack. He is such a treasure, he really is so special and everyone can see it. My heart aches for you as I can't imagine I would cope with such dignity if I was in your situation.
    I'm happy to see that the scrapbooking is bringing you joy. I hope you are printing a copy of all your blog posts too. If you compiled them into a journal it would be a precious insight into your thoughts for your boys in the future. If you printed out a copy of the comments too, what a positive statement that would be! I'm sure it would be a comfort for your family to see how people have opened their hearts to you.
    Much love to you
    Wxx

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  39. Dear Jenni,
    Your friends will never leave you! Be sure. You're always in my daily prayers.
    Sending love
    Bete

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  40. What you write of is true and heart breaking.
    The love you have for each other is profound.
    And the love you give him to him now, it will never leave. Which does not make it any less painful for you, as you grieve what you know awaits him.
    Write as little or as often as you want. I will be here.
    thinking of you today.

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  41. Dear Jen...you know what amazed me about this post? Your absolute unselfishness. You don't talk about being scared for you, or the things you will miss out on, you talk about your very special little boy, and your concern for him.

    Even though your time together may not be as long as either of you want it to be, he is getting such an amazing foundation from you.

    He will always know how deeply he was loved, and what an incredible Momma he had.

    Hugs to you from many miles away.

    xoxo
    Tara-Lynn

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  42. Jen, I am a new reader of your blog. First of all, I want you to know, both you and your little boy and really all of your family, are in my prayers.
    But I also wanted to tell you a few other things. I am a recent cancer survivor. And although I did not have to face what you are going thru I did have to contemplate it. I am a mom and older than you, but I have no doubt in my mind that your son will hurt like crazy over the loss of his mom. BUT, I also was thinking that maybe there will come a time when the smell of your perfume will bring back sweet memories for your child. Maybe those reminders of you that you think will bring pain to your son, will actually give him comfort, they will give him the gift of your memory. That is what you are leaving him, beautiful, loving memories, And I hope he will have them triggered often.
    I have experienced loss and there is a great deal of pain in it but as the pain begins to ease the memories of love sustain you. I know your family and friends will love your little boy, and I don't think that pulling him away from your memory is in his best interest. I think he will always need his mommy, and with the smell of your perfume (by him a bottle to someday have) and seeing your smile on your sister's face, your Jack, will still have his mommy close by.
    I am praying really hard for you and yours right now, Jen. And sending you a huge hug, can you feel it.
    reenim@hotmail.com

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  43. Jen,
    I am glad the chemo went well and that you are not feeling too badly.
    I think of you all the time and was a little worried too when you did not post for awhile. I am here always no matter how often you post....I will keep checking back. You are an inspiration!

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  44. This world is blessed beyond words to have you in it. And Jack is, and will forever be, the person he is because of the sweet and sensitive love you've given him, and because of the way you live your life.

    All my love to you, Jen.

    Jill

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  45. Jen, I have been thinking about you and your son alot lately. I keep you both in my prayers. Your blog makes me appreciate the time i have with my boys even more...if that is possible:)

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  46. I just found your blog, and I don't know what to say other than you and your little boy are in my prayers.

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  47. Jen, you remain in my thoughts and prayers. You are a wise and thoughtful woman and mother. It is impossible for anyone to calculate the benefit of your scrapbooking and journaling for your son. The blessing it is for you now to put it all together and the blessing it will be for him in the future to have your words and blessings and thoughts and prayers for him. You and Jack will be loved and prayed for forever. Peace to you, dear Jen.

    Gail in Charlotte, NC

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  48. You are facing what many of us parents fear the most, your child being without you. It scares most of us just thinking about it so I admire your strength and grace though sometimes you don't feel particularly strong you know you have to be for Jack. I'm sorry you all have to go through this no words from this stranger can truly help. I will remember you and Jack in my prayers and will ask for strength for you and yers.

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  49. Jen, I replied to this blog on Minti already... However I remembered to read your profile today.

    We have nothing in common... Except for a love of Narnia, LIFE, and most importantly our son/s.

    I am so glad that you have graced my life... Lui X

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  50. Jen, I am praying for you and I just want to tell you to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!! Miracles do happen!
    Ruthie

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  51. Still here, and committed to checking your site daily for an update! We won't give up on you....don't give up on yourself, either!!!!

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  52. Hi Jen,
    So glad you're back! I admit that I was a little worried about you but I'm so relieved that you were just taking some time for yourself.

    Wow, "wilsonian" described the love and effect you have on Jack so eloquently and perfectly ---

    "You know... you're pouring so much into your son that will help him to heal, that will lead him to wholeness. One of the most amazing gifts you've given him is that he understands (already) what it is to be known and loved. Massive gifts that will carry through his whole life.

    You are beautiful."

    So well spoken that it bears repeating!

    In thinking about your sister, I thought exactly what you typed about her not being around is likely because of the pain she must have of possibly losing her sister. I know she'll come to realize that you need her now and she'll know that being honest and open is the best way to heal and connect.

    We're not going away - always here praying and cheering you on!

    Love,
    Cate

    ps - thank you for remembering about posting the symptoms of bowel cancer. Seems sort of silly but I can relate to people's descriptions better than a medical site's version - they seem to miss the "I felt odd and here was my first clue" descriptions!

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  53. I have a smarty pants friend who knows the author-of
    "My crazy sexy cancer" - and I would love to send it to you! Live today, breathe in today, and know that you have touched lives of so many with your post, written from the heart.
    We must find a cure for cancer for our friends and more importantly for our children.
    This is my first visit to your place, but please know that I will pray for you and for Jack. Keep us inspired!

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