Saturday, 2 February 2008

Adjusting and 'Surviving'...

Dear readers, thank you for reaching out to me during this really tough time I am going through, I appreciate you all far more than I can aptly describe. I think I am coming to terms with the latest news (see previous posts) I am finding that my thoughts skip around in my head too quickly sometimes though. I am often confused, the issue of 'survivor/surviving' has been one example of this, there are other thoughts I have too that seem to conflict with each other and yet - perhaps they can sit well together...My dear Meg summed it up very well for me by saying this:
I wanted to tell you though that I think it is both completely possible to both do all the things you want to do to prepare for the fact that you may die sooner than you hope, all the while holding hope and keeping open the possibility that you can and will beat this thing. I know you know this but I feel I have to say it too--out loud and remind you. All of us, regardless of whether we are struggling with a fatal disease should live our lives with no regrets. And I think preparing to do things like letters to your sons for the future is a wonderful idea. Even if you should live to see them celebrate these birthdays how special it will be to have a time capsule to open--a letter from their mother written when they were so young. Doing these things is not an admission that you are going to die soon. They are just a wonderful thing to do. I guess what I am saying is that it is not an either or kind of thing. You can do all these things all the while being hopeful or doing what you need to do to fight this disease and live as well as you can for as long as you can. We all should do that--live as well as we can for as long as we can
That my friends is one hell of a wise woman! This helped me immeasurably as I said before, my thoughts seemed to conflict with one another but this really helped me to get some clarity. Thank you dear Meg!

One of the worst things about this for me so far is the fact that I do see so much beauty and so much to be grateful for in this world, no I am not Pollyanna, believe me when I say I have seen some terrible things and I often despair over the damage and wars and bloodshed and cruelty that exists on our planet! However, I still see around me so much to be grateful for and so much that just makes me feel happy. The problem with this is, whenever I feel that happiness and joy it now makes me so very sad as it reminds me of what I have to lose. I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!! I AM NOT READY! I LOVE MY LIFE WITH MY BOYS! I LOVE WATCHING JACK GROW UP! Nope, not ready to leave this earth yet, not at all, I have so much to live for, I am angry, I feel shortchanged, I am devastated for my little boy when I think that I will have to leave him, I feel physically nauseas and panic stricken - this is my worst thing, my test, my ...I don't know words fail me...I am going to see a grief counsellor for Jack before I die, in the hope that she/he will be able to help me to put things in place to make it as easy on Jack as humanly possible before I have to leave him. I guess by this post you think I have 'given up'. I haven't 'given up' anything, there is this part of me that has always been thus, I need to accept the worst case scenario, I need to picture it, feel it and somehow learn to accept it. Of course, I will continue to fight, in fact this time will make the rest seem like childs play...This time my body is already so damaged, this time they are going to hit me as hard as I can possibly take it as this cancer is tenacious, this time I am at the end of the road for options. Not to say there aren't any options but they are getting less and less optimistic due to many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that the cancer has metastasized, it has come back again and again no matter what we have thrown at it - including a Clinical Trial last time with the 'wonder drug' Avastin. Still I am going to fight again, I don't know when I will get to the stage where I say 'enough', quality of life has to come into consideration and to be honest when I have my meeting with my Oncologist next week after he has consulted with his colleagues on the best course of action, if he tells me that I have so little time left even with the chemo etc, then I will have to make a decision as to whether I want to be ill for any of the time I have left. That sounds crazy, of course I will get ill as the cancer progresses but what I mean is do I have chemo which makes me ill from the minute I have it or forgo the chemo and stay well a while longer till the cancer progresses to the stage where I don't have much quality of life left, and do things, like take Jack and Jamie away on trips and spend quality time with them while I still can. You know, these are the tough questions, it's not just a matter of turning up for chemo, 'here I am guys, let's go' I have to weigh up very carefully what is best for my kids and for me and when a life is involved it is difficult. I hope that when the time comes for me to be informed and I am required to make my decision that I will have clarity and peace of mind and trust myself and my feelings enough to know what I need to do. I know that no matter what it is most likely I only have a fairly short time left, unless a miracle occurs, so I need to make use of that time wisely, there is so much to put in place before I am too ill to do so.

Jack and his Dad need their relationship built up so much because if/when I go Jack will be going to his Dad, at the moment as things are, this would be absolutely traumatic for him. His Dad lives 1 1/2 hours away and has told me in no uncertain terms that he will not be moving down here if I die, Jack will have to move up there, leave his school and friends and close contact with my side of his family so my poor little boy not only loses me, he loses everything familiar to him, his very security. I hate this for him so much, this is the worst thing of anything else about this journey. If I have any power at all in staying alive to stop this happening to Jack, then I will do it - I just don't think there is much of a choice involved. I will do everything I possibly can to survive for as long a possible but cancer is a formidable opponent and I am not at all convinced that it can be beaten at this late stage in the game. If sheer love and willpower can make it go away then I could win but it doesn't work that way. I do believe love can help though, it can do great things, I can employ a heap of adjunctive therapies that may keep me going just from the pure love and energy that they give me. I respond very well to guided imagery, to healing visualization, I believe I would respond well to Reiki and accupuncture - which I am to start very soon. I also respond to positive input as in a healing group that works on people's thoughts and feelings, I do believe the body responds to these things, the body communicates with it's cells and perhaps if I am tenacious enough, perhaps I can at least slow it down by sheer effort and love and visualizing the cancer cells dying. One thing is for sure, it can't hurt and it will help me to focus on something positive, I will feel empowered to be doing something which in itself could be beneficial.

Anyway dear ones, enough, I am so glad I can come here and post and share my journey and know that people are listening and caring, it is wonderful and I do believe writing about it and receiving a response is healing too. Take care of yourselves and each other and I will post again very soon. Hugs and Peace to everyone.

Things That Make Me Smile Today

My new lounge suite gets delivered today at noon. Yay!!!

I have a new skirt and top to wear today that I feel good in.

It is the weekend and Jack is home with me today and tomorrow he has a friend over.


  1. Jack's a lucky boy to be so loved. My heart goes out to you and is softened by your words.

    xo Jena

  2. I just found your blog today. I feel like I have no words that will be right for you. I just wanted you to know that when I was a little girl my grandmother died. Before she did she wrote me a letter to open on my 21st birthday. I used to hold that envelope every year and the wait seemed to take forever. It was such a special thing when I finally turned 21 to open it. I'm 27 now, and I am almost a little sad that the anticipation of the letter is over now. But that letter is such a cherished thing to me. It is such a special thing to do for someone. I could feel her love with me that day.

    My thoughts are with you. You are so brave. I am in awe of how strong you are. Your sons must be so proud of you. I know I am. And I don't even know you.