Hello dear readers and dear friends, I know it looks as though I have given up the ghost, left the building, gone MIA. Well, I have more likely gone missing in inaction! This pain reached a pinnacle for me last week, it turned into much more than just physical pain, it turned and evolved into emotional pain, psychological pain. A very threatening place to be in, unless you have been there before. When you have been there before you don't ever want to go back but if you do go back, you know you can survive. You already have! When you know it, somehow it's a bit easier. I knew what I had to do, I had to ride it out, I had to be very gentle with myself, I had to stop meeting it head on and bow my head and heart down for a while. I succumbed to my bed when I had to, I stopped taking calls, I stopped trying to get things done that were costing me precious healing energy. I felt the sadness, I felt the fear, I felt myself be vulnerable. Sometimes this is what has to be done. Hitting something head on, although often my preferred method of surviving is not always the most efficient way to get through it. First thing I had to do was to go off the pain medications I was on. They were messing with me at a rate I couldn't cope with any longer. I was falling asleep any time that I stopped and sat for a moment. I literally could not keep my eyes open which is not very helpful when you are the sole carer for a certain 6 year old boy during school holidays! Not only was I dealing with this awful, heavy fatigue but I felt the tablets were changing who I was and how I thought. They had to go, sometimes emotional pain is worse than any other kind. So I stopped taking them. I realized I was going to need some help with this though as the pain was going to have me ending up in hospital on strong meds, so I started researching. I found a wonderful forum based in the US for women that suffer from the same or similar situation that I find myself in. These folk are brave, wonderful, positive, real and warm. There is nothing that they don't discuss openly and with dignity. I am blessed to have found them and it was through them that I have managed to source out some things that can hold the pain for me until it is fixed and still keep my functioning at a reasonable level. However, I am getting ahead of myself. Before I found strength to do any kind of research at all, I needed support and love, I had reached a place that was so sad and lost that I needed to retreat for a while. I reached out for help from where I needed it most, with the last piece of me that I had left, a tiny bit of strength that I could use outside of myself. I had been feeling betrayed, alone, rejected but I reached out again anyway, I let my feelings out, this part was tough as I have been terribly let down in the past when I have been at my neediest and most vulnerable. It paid off and I began to receive some of what I needed. Then I slowly began to be able to source out some information, I did all that I could do as gently as I could do it and slowly I began to revive. Today, I am almost smiling, I still have a way to go, CT Scan tomorrow which is for the Surgeon to look at before he performs exploratory surgery on me on Thursday. Also, more importantly, to see whether the cancer is back. It has been too long since my last one, it's almost 41/2 months, I'm supposed to have them 3 monthly. Anyway, I will take a deep breath and I will go and face the music...again. Then Thursday I must be at the hospital at 7am, too early by far, however, I will be there as this is so important in the search for what else is causing this pain in my body. I am only in there for the day, so that is pretty sedate for me, then I can be welcomed back to the heart of my home. I can't tell you how much I love my home. Particularly lately. It is my haven, my security, all things I love, it represents comfort, safety, protection, it pulses with love and I can feel it as though it is a living thing. I am so very lucky to feel love so strongly. I can lay in my bed and feel surrounded by love and light, so strongly that it's like someone has put a big, warm blanket over me and somehow I know I will be alright. I can gaze out my windows at a tree and feel such serenity pour down me, such energy rise up in me, such peace and stillness all at the same time. I stay there in the feelings and heal, I am always a little annoyed when I am invariably pulled away by some distraction or another.
I dawdled down to the mailbox today and found a parcel from Jen Lemen (see above) had arrived. Just what I needed right now. Some lovely art that sits on a small easel and says:
"Your soul has been through
a great storm, but all is not lost.
a kind light is coming soon
to bring you hope and Life.
You can rest now and wait." and this
"Someone greater is holding you now,
and her name is Peace.
You can trust her like an
Old friend, showing you
Very timely...isn't everything? Thank you Jen they are just beautiful. I will leave this post here for now and I thank you if you have been checking in patiently waiting for the next installment. I am working on part 2 of my discussion on cancer and body image and all the very many issues that are important to me and to others. I have found some wonderful resources in the USA which I believe could be of great service to women over here in OZ. I will share as soon as I get my thoughts in order. Please take care of yourselves and each other and I will post as soon as I get home from Hospital with any news. Peace.
Reasons to Smile Today:
The soft, golden glow of early morning Summer sun is kissing the tangled top of lush, green, full trees outside my window as I type.
My little boy is sleeping soundly, breathing softly, warm with sleep in his bed as I quietly make coffee and gaze out the window and type.
I can think of more than 5 people that will be thinking of me with love this morning.
The joy I will feel when my little guy gets up this morning, he is always cheerful when he awakens and always delights me with the first words out of his mouth which are invariably funny, sweet and delightful. Oh this makes me smile. I guess this 'reason to smile' is 'anticipation'. I like that word.
Hot, strong, sweet, coffee, so accessible, so simple, so savoured.