Monday, 7 January 2008


I am in a reflective mood today. It is finally Monday, I feel I have been waiting for Monday for a long time, in reality it has only been a week. Today is the day that I am supposed to get in to see the surgeon and to discuss with him what has been going on with me and the amount of pain I have been in. I don't know whether I will actually get in to see him today or just get to make the appointment. I feel a bit strange now that it is here. I thought I could barely wait and no matter what it took I needed to get this fixed. Now that the day has arrived, or at least the week for I know I will get to see him this week at the very least, I am nervous. I really DON'T want another operation and yet that is what I think it will take to fix this problem. Perhaps the fact that I have had some relief from the pain the past two days has weakened my desperate state so that now the thought of surgery sits where it should, in a place that is a little uncomfortable. No one should want surgery, it has risks involved, there is recovery time involved, there is time without my son involved, there is just more downtime involved and I am so over downtime. Well, no matter, it is here and I must face the music so to speak, I will allow myself to be poked and prodded and tested and tested again and try to do it all with good grace because there is not really a choice, not a choice that is viable. I know that and yet I still don't want surgery again. I am going to have to spend some time 'reflecting' on this one. I will tell myself that I am lucky there is surgery to be had, I am lucky that we have now found the problem (we think), I am lucky that this may work and I will be a lot more comfortable in the future. I just have too much going on at the moment to focus on thinking about the future in terms of this pain. My 3 monthly scan is overdue, I must have it done to see whether the cancer is back in my body. This is big enough on it's own, I am concerned deep down in my secret self, I am not ready for more chemo or more of any of the things that at the same time as keeping me alive have also wreaked havoc upon my body so I find myself in situations like this recent one. I cannot quite get my head around it all, I am going to see whether I can have surgery to stop the agonizing pain that surgery caused, for a future I am not sure I am having. What if I do all that, then I have my CT scan and they show the cancer is back, what if...what if....what if.....that's where my head is stuck at the moment. I am not ready...


  1. I'm not sure we're ever really ready for such things.
    The what-ifs are scary. The pain is not so great either.
    Sending you peace and courage.

  2. At this moment all anyone can expect of you is to just be. Good luck with your appointments dear one...whatever they bring. Our hearts are with you

  3. Oh Jen, what you need is answers, but it's so scary to face the what ifs.
    I feel like to tell you to be brave is so inadequate, you are the strongest and most courageous person I know, but do be brave. You have already faced so much.
    Take care, I hope everything went well.

  4. You will walk through each moment in that moment. The reflecting image is beautiful. Hold yourself in a loving embrace.

    xo Jena