Monday, 7 January 2008

Reflecting...

I am in a reflective mood today. It is finally Monday, I feel I have been waiting for Monday for a long time, in reality it has only been a week. Today is the day that I am supposed to get in to see the surgeon and to discuss with him what has been going on with me and the amount of pain I have been in. I don't know whether I will actually get in to see him today or just get to make the appointment. I feel a bit strange now that it is here. I thought I could barely wait and no matter what it took I needed to get this fixed. Now that the day has arrived, or at least the week for I know I will get to see him this week at the very least, I am nervous. I really DON'T want another operation and yet that is what I think it will take to fix this problem. Perhaps the fact that I have had some relief from the pain the past two days has weakened my desperate state so that now the thought of surgery sits where it should, in a place that is a little uncomfortable. No one should want surgery, it has risks involved, there is recovery time involved, there is time without my son involved, there is just more downtime involved and I am so over downtime. Well, no matter, it is here and I must face the music so to speak, I will allow myself to be poked and prodded and tested and tested again and try to do it all with good grace because there is not really a choice, not a choice that is viable. I know that and yet I still don't want surgery again. I am going to have to spend some time 'reflecting' on this one. I will tell myself that I am lucky there is surgery to be had, I am lucky that we have now found the problem (we think), I am lucky that this may work and I will be a lot more comfortable in the future. I just have too much going on at the moment to focus on thinking about the future in terms of this pain. My 3 monthly scan is overdue, I must have it done to see whether the cancer is back in my body. This is big enough on it's own, I am concerned deep down in my secret self, I am not ready for more chemo or more of any of the things that at the same time as keeping me alive have also wreaked havoc upon my body so I find myself in situations like this recent one. I cannot quite get my head around it all, I am going to see whether I can have surgery to stop the agonizing pain that surgery caused, for a future I am not sure I am having. What if I do all that, then I have my CT scan and they show the cancer is back, what if...what if....what if.....that's where my head is stuck at the moment. I am not ready...

4 comments:

  1. I'm not sure we're ever really ready for such things.
    The what-ifs are scary. The pain is not so great either.
    Sending you peace and courage.

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  2. At this moment all anyone can expect of you is to just be. Good luck with your appointments dear one...whatever they bring. Our hearts are with you

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  3. Oh Jen, what you need is answers, but it's so scary to face the what ifs.
    I feel like to tell you to be brave is so inadequate, you are the strongest and most courageous person I know, but do be brave. You have already faced so much.
    Take care, I hope everything went well.
    Wx

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  4. You will walk through each moment in that moment. The reflecting image is beautiful. Hold yourself in a loving embrace.

    xo Jena

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