One of the hardest things for me about having cancer is feeling it is my own fault somehow, that perhaps I keep creating this in my body for some reason I am missing and if I could only figure out why then perhaps I could stop getting it. Am I being punished? Logic tells me no but some secret space inside of me keeps whispering 'you must deserve this' and 'well, come on, where is your wisdom - heal yourself', and 'oh the first 3 lots weren't enough for you to learn whatever it is you need to learn so here we are with it back in your body, only now you are running out of options, now it is looking very like this will actually kill you - soon'. Things along this vein keep coming up for me and I do struggle with it. I have often wondered about the way people that go into remission call themselves 'survivors', as do others around them, even their Doctors, as though they deserve a huge pat on the back, as though they have done something so wonderful and wise, if this is indeed the case then it indicates that there is control involved, a choice whether to have cancer or get rid of it and not what must be the more likely truth that cancer is rife in our Western world, it is on the increase too, some research indicates that it is connected to our way of living, fast food, pollution, stress, food additives, flavor enhancers, preservatives, colors, numbers, hormones, the way our fruit and vegetables are not ripened on the vine or tree anymore - they are picked green and gas ripened and in doing this we lose vital nutrients that only appear during the natural ripening process (this has been proven by the way), the vitamins and minerals we used to get from eating one peach would now require us to eat about 50 to get similar levels and even then not quite as good, and on and on the list grows. Logic tells us that it is these kinds of things that cause cancer as it is not nearly as common in third world countries. Oh I wish I was better at clarifying my thoughts - it has always just kind of bothered me that people label themselves 'survivors' in the context of they did something, they are more evolved or have more wisdom or are just better than all the millions of people that don't survive in spite of all that they try. How about a little humility, a way of saying that the cancer has left your body thanks to modern medicine and all the support of friends and loved ones, perhaps thanks to God, a way of acknowledging how lucky you are instead of implying that you beat cancer due to some special strength or power that you have and yet others don't. This cannot be true, it is not fair, some people that do not survive fight just as hard if not harder than those that do survive. I believe this attitude fosters low self esteem in people that are not 'surviving' or 'beating' the cancer, I know this because it happens to me, even though I do know logically that it is not that I am less than anyone else. I am courageous, I am aware of not letting my stress levels get to high by using relaxing techniques, I try to think positive thoughts, I focus on things I am grateful for and happy thoughts - there is probably more I could do and I will no doubt try some new things this time but I just want to make very clear that if I survive this or go into remission again, it is not because I am so wonderful, it is because I am lucky. I also need to acknowledge to myself that if I don't go into remission again, which is likely as I have had to many cancers in to short a time according to stats, that this is not my fault, it is not necessarily anything I did or didn't do, it is certainly not because I am more or less deserving than anyone else on this journey. I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head at the moment, clamoring for space, I am so glad I have this space to write my thoughts and feelings and also to share how I feel. Thank you to my dear friends that encourage me and lift me each time they leave me a comment. It is like a hug from across the Universe, really quite powerful. More soon.