Hello dear friends, I know I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. I think that will change soon though. This week has been the start of some good things. I don't know how to link to an older post but for those of you that read my blog consistently (thank you) you will know that Jack was miserable at school, had issues with bullying, etc, etc. Anyway this week we have gone back to his old school, which was a fantastic school, it was just the class he was in and the teacher he had that were the problem. This time he is in another class. He is HAPPY!!! Thankfully his teacher is a lovely, nurturing soul, carefully chosen by the Principle for Jack. Also his good friend Elijah is in his class too. The other children seem lovely, I spent some time doing an art class with them in order to get to know them. The other Mum's seem very nice and genuine and the kid that was the instigator of the bullying has been spoken to severely by the Principle and also by me and has not picked on Jack since. In fact he walked by Jack the other day and simply said "hello" and kept going. Much better. So this has been a huge achievement and problem solved, needless to say I am very happy too.
The second change that has been implemented is Jack sleeping in his own bed (finally), for the entire night through. I changed bedroom set ups around, I have put my two boys together in spite of the age gap and it is working very well. I only have two bedrooms here you see, so it was a case of needs must, however, with my older son not at home as often as he used to be, I thought that it wouldn't be such an invasion of his space to share with Jack on the occasions when he was here. I have set up Playstation, Nintendo, etc in the bedroom so they do have that in common and by the time Jamie goes to bed, Jack is well and truly asleep anyway. It is a nice big bedroom so they both have their own section of space and their own cupboards, shelves, etc so it works fairly well. At least Jack is now sleeping on his own instead of in my bed with me which is better all round. It gives him confidence in himself to know that he can sleep without me and he won't have to worry about being teased at school if he has friends over and it is nice for me to have my own space. Although I do miss his warm little body next to mine in the night.....but I must do what is best for him. That's not to say that on weekend mornings we can't hop in together and have a snuggle though!
So, all in all it has been a very constructive week and I am feeling very optimistic for the short term future at least. It is sinking in slowly that I am in Remission. I don't think I really believed it for the first little while. I am certainly making hay while the sun shines as I am still terrified of a time when the cancer may be back. Anyway, I really try not to think about it. I am on a bit of a holiday from cancer for now, and most of the time I don't think about it, just every once in a while something triggers a thought and then I feel my stomach flip and churn and I feel something very close to terror. I am seeing just how much cancer stole from me in terms of being the Mother my sons need and deserve. I am just so much more productive when I'm well, it has highlighted to me just how low it brought me and how even the simplest of tasks were incredibly hard for me. I think this is at the core of the fear, fear that what if I need to give my youngest son up for his own well being? I know I would do this for him if it was the right thing but the thought makes me feel as though I could vomit! This is terror! This is a real fear. This is something that could happen. For now, though, I am safe, so I smile, I take a deep breath and I move forward, quickly and intensely. Take care my dear ones, of yourselves and each other and if you feel you could say a prayer for me now and then to keep this cancer at bay, I would be most grateful. Thank you, more soon.