Hi again friends, I thought I'd just give you an update on what happens next with me in regards to treating my cancer. I went to see my oncologist last week and we talked about how in the operation (see earlier post) I had tumours removed from my liver but unfortunately they found cancer in the surrounding lymph nodes and removed them. However, though they removed them, my oncologist says that there will definitely be others in my body with cancer in them. Soooooo, I now have to have a PET and CT scan next week, hopefully that will show something (huh!!!), so that I can qualify for a new trial that will hopefully (just realised I use that word a lot!) kill off the rest. I am, as you can imagine, very concerned about this on several levels. 1) that they actually want to see something and are willing to wait until they do, meaning give it time to grow 2)that I need a trial, can't be good that he is not confident our ordinary, everyday chemo won't do the trick 3)trials are at best a lot of work, you have to document everything you do and eat and noone really knows the outcome (which is why they need to trial these drugs). I have been on a trial before with good results, so that helps me to feel a bit more positive, but still it didn't stop it spreading to my liver (which is really bad). I had so hoped, and so did my surgeons and doctors that this liver operation would put paid to this disease for me. In fact one of the only reasons they did it was because when I had an earlier PET scan, it showed no cancer anywhere else in my body, except for the liver, so they decided it was definitely worth a shot. I woke up from surgery with this feeling of euphoria thinking that I was finished with all this now. But, no, the surgeons came to see me to explain that it had in fact gone through the liver to the lymph nodes. Needless to say, that euphoria was very short lived, and oh how I want that feeling back. It made me realise just how very much this illness gets me down. Although I try, I really, really try not to let it, but it does, of course, deep down. Anyway as I say scans next week and then I suppose I should say 'hopefully' I will qualify for the trial. Sometimes I just wish all this would end, but as they say, 'be careful what you wish for' and believe me, I am being very careful. I just need to stay alive till my Jack is grown up at least till he is old enough to care for himself and have someone to love him (a partner). Is that too much to ask??? I guess, I have lasted nearly 5 years since it all began, but I wouldn't say I have had a heap of quality. Not all bad either and certainly better than not being here at all. Anyway enough sad stuff, back later with uplifting things I promise. Just think it doesn't hurt to share the tough, sad stuff sometimes. We all have things, they are just different. Take care of yourselves and each other.